What do I do when the person taking care of my mom no longer wants to? - AgingCare.com

What do I do when the person taking care of my mom no longer wants to?

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I am 29, I have autism and social anxiety, and from the time I was about 19, until just last year I took care of my mother. She is currently 78. She is diabetic, takes several medications, and had a stroke about 3 years ago but still walks/speaks fairly well there were no long term effects. My aunt has been taking care of her for the past year. My aunt has now decided she is not capable of caring for my mother. I am not capable. We cannot afford a nursing home. What can I do?

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tcrash21, you've been amazing. Your aunt has stepped in, too, which makes her pretty special, but likely she's not young and can't do it forever.

I agree with the other posters that we'd need more information about why your mom needs help. However, eventually, she will. As Jeannegibbs suggested, have social services come out and do an evaluation. Be up front about your own situation since the stress of caring for your mom could set you back to where you can barely care for yourself. I believe that your whole family needs to be on record as needing services.

Please check back with us when you can. I'm worried about how you are doing with so much stress.
Carol
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Hi TCrash,
I'm reading your post a couple of times and wondering why your mom needs someone to take care of her? Does she live with you or you with her? Does she own her home? At 78 with no assets she would qualify for Medicaid and Medicaid would pay for the NH if her dr agrees that she needs to go to a NH. Does she have dementia? What services does she need to have provided? Give a little more information for a more detailed answer.
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Your mom has needed care for the last ten years.Why? That is, what happened that she needed in her late sixties, and still needs care? Millions of diabetics in their 70s take a lot of pills and don't need care so there must be something else going on here. More information would help.

If your mom needs care, someone needs to arrange it. My first step would be to call suman services in Mom's county and ask for a needs assessment. Someone will come out to Mom's home and interview her. Be sure you or Aunt are there at that time. Elders often are not very realistic in these interviews. They claim they can make dinner, for example, when they can no longer even use the microwave.

Once you have such an assessment done, Social Services will be able to help you determine the next step. It will probably be to apply for Medicaid.
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Call '211' and tell them you need help in figuring out how to get the appropriate care for your mother. There is a wealth of services and information in each county that can direct you where you need to go for these issues.
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Depending on your mom's capabilities, you may be able to get her into an assisted living apartment. Assisted-living means she'll have help regularly coming in but she'll still have her independence. If she can't live independently, you'll probably have to make arrangements for her to go into a nursing home, they'll take her Social Security check and she'll qualify for Medicaid as long as there are no liquidatable assets. If there are, they all need to be sold unless they're covered by certain legal protections such as a legal will or a transfer on death. I know before my bio dad entered a nursing home, he already filled out a transfer on death of his home, so it was protected.
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I read your suggestions. I am in real need for help with my mom. I live in California. She is on medicare and medicaid. How do I get a social services evaluation? She really needs more help than i can provide
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You sound like a wonderful daughter, best of luck to you and your family.
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Sadinca, as I wrote above start first with calling 211. They can help route you where you need to go for those resources.
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I wish you nothing but the best. Our medical services and our social services system in this nation are an abomination. You will get such a run around, you won't know which end is up by the time you go the full circle and end up right back here you started. I know because I ran the full gamut with my husband, who has dementia. Thankfully, my daughter and son-in-law sold their home and moved into our apartment upstairs, with their two teenage sons, so that now I have a lot of help. I don't mean to discourage you, but I feel I need to warn you that you will get nowhere fast. "God bless America."
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Go to or contact Elder affairs she should be able to get longterm care your lucky your in California.
Elder Affairs should be part of children and families.
CAL-MED SHOULD HELP YOU
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