Pay for parental care; Is the amount I asked for too much?

If you are going to stay, you need to set some limits.  You can't possibly be caregiver, housekeeper extraordinaire, home maintainer, and all the other jobs mom wants you to do NOW - 24/7 and keep your health and sanity.  And she doesn't want to pay you???  You hire the help she needs to keep the house running - have mom pay for that,  And, if mom does agree to pay you in the future, keep those folks coming.  It's the only way you'll survive.

My first question to you is this - if the relationship was not kind and loving, why on earth are you taking care of her in your home. What has she done to deserve this? Don't be a fool. She has money and you are having a rough time. She needs care and you are doing all you can for her and she balks at helping YOU? That is sick and disgusting. Do not "mention" your needs, simply sit her down and tell her in no uncertain terms all that you do and that a caretaker would charge xx dollars. And since you are in need of certain things for your home, AND SHE IS LIVING WITH YOU AND YOU ARE HER CARETAKER, effective immediately she will give you xx dollars per month. Don't allow her to fight you - do it or else. Then, if you want a caretaker for her, let her deal directly with your finances and you go about your daily life. Or you tell her she will be placed. What she is doing is horrible and I would NOT allow any human to treat me this way - she will not get better, she will get worse. Don't allow her in your home much longer without resolution or you are fool.

ADK, how are you doing?

Oh man, reading all of your responses just breaks my heart.

Your entire self image is based on a woman that can't even love.

You deserve to have a home that is NOT filled with a pity party, complaining and running you into the ground. The old saying "Misery loves company." Was created by a person living with a person like this female you call mom.

You tried, it is costing you more then she could ever pay you. You say she refuses, well, you can refuse to be her scratching post and go live your life. No one has the right to abuse you, NO ONE. Please tell your family that they need to step up and take some responsibility because you have served your time and you are being released on (set date) and she either gets help from all of them or you contact APS and tell them that she is a vulnerable senior and you can no longer care safely for her. There is no guilt in laying down a load that is to heavy. Don't believe that caring for you and your future is anything but wise and correct.

You see from what you have posted that your mom doesn't appreciate anything, don't expect to be different than every other wonderful thing she has or had in her life. I could have jumped through flaming hoops for my dad and he would have complained that the heat was to hard on him, so I decided that since everything I did was wrong that I would save him the misery of dealing with my sorry, useless, unacceptable, never good enough self and put him in AL. Worked out great, I didn't have to be reminded multiple times a day how useless I was and he didn't have to see the fruit of his loins and be reminded that he helped create such a worthless person. I know this is not true about you or me, I am trying to get you to see how much power you give her by letting her treat you poorly and sticking around for more. Please refuse to let her take anymore joy and peace from you.

You can do this! Hugs!

Hire an elder care attorney who can provide you with a guideline of what your expenses are in taking care of your mother. You can have a legal agreement between the two of you written and signed. My husband and I are caring for both of his parents and that was a big help to us. I too am a RN and know that my care is superior to many other home care agencies out there, of course I would make much more if working they are my in laws and are worth the "pay cut". Best wishes to you, this is not an easy situation.