Hi, new here. I am an RN, single and lived in a beautiful mountain area. I have moved to suburbia (don't like it as I am a big outdoor person) to care for my elderly mother. I still have my home in the mtns. which needs major repairs and I am caring for mom 24/7. She has always been critical of me and made me feel bad in many ways thru the years. As much as I miss my home, I am OK being here as she needs the care. But, when I mentioned that I would need financial help for my mortgage, etc. and just money for things like my car fuel, upkeep, etc. never mind just some extra for me, she balked at $500/wk. My mom can easily afford this but thinks it is WAY too much.
Is the amount I asked for too much?? She'd pay a lot more for an aide or companion. I don't want to be rich (evidently) but be able to have a little spending money for me. I feel hurt. I have already saved her life by holding some of the meds the MDs discharged her on which would have dropped her BP to 0 if given as prescribed. I don't want an award, just for her to appreciate my value and that I care for her enough to give up my life and she should care for me in this way.
But these red flags jumped out at me:
"She has always been critical of me and made me feel bad in many ways thru the years."
"I don't want an award, just for her to appreciate my value and that I care for her enough to give up my life and she should care for me in this way."
We read so many posts like yours on this forum: adult children of abusive or difficult parents giving up their own lives to, I assume, try to finally earn the love they deserve.
Please rethink this situation.
As for your Mom thinking $500 per week is too much, and if she needs around the clock care, that would come to $3.32 per hour. Ok, if Mom sleeps through the night, then it would be $4.47 per hour for 16 hours per day. Maybe using in terms of "per hour", Mom might then feel that is too low.
If you were working at a hospital or at a doctor's office, you would have your salary... probably health insurance which in itself is quite expensive for the hospital/doctor to give as a benefit... payroll taxes for your Social Security and Medicare.... paid vacation/sick days.... possible life insurance, and other benefits. If your Mom never worked outside of the house, she may not understand all that is involved in today's world of employment.
And yes, my Mom gets up a few times a night at least (and of course, so do I) so I guess I would be earning $3.32 per hour …. with no vacations, time off, sick days (geesh! I must be insane!!)
You say that your mother “has always been critical of me and made me feel bad in many ways thru the years”. People usually get meaner, not nicer, as they age. It is probably unlikely that your mother will change now to give you the love, respect and gratitude that has never been there before. So don’t take on her care in hopes of that.
If you are willing to do the care for other reasons, hold out for what you think is a fair rate of pay. If mother won’t pay it (and you say she can easily afford it), just STOP. Let her work out what to do – or if you are really kind, help her to find alternatives. But don’t work underpaid for love, when the love isn’t there. You will end up bitter, as well as poor.
In contrast, my mom is elderly, feeble and requires physical care, gets up multiple times a night for trips to the bathroom or into the kitchen for a 3 a.m. ice cream. I am up assisting her for all these things. I walk around like a zombie all day. She has always focused on the negatives in every situation and now focuses on feeling sorry for herself and crying about it. She has traveled the world, had a wonderful husband (my Dad) and after he passed she had 25 yrs. of being doted on by her gentleman friend. She has always been healthy and never had financial worries, but now all she focuses on is her idea that no one suffers as she does. I try to get her remembering the wonderful trips she has taken w/ Dad or her friend, but she always goes back to feeling upset about her present state. It is so draining for me (and anyone who spends even a brief time with her).
As for love, my mother 'loves' me but sadly she doesn't really understand what love is about.
IF you were to stay, you should set up a caregiver contract through a lawyer (lawyer gets paid with Mom's funds).
$20 per hour would be a bargain. Let's say 5 hours per day=$700 per week. If she need 24/7 care and supervision, then that's more.
It's not that you need help with your mortgage. It's that you should be paid a wage for doing a job. And mom should be allowed the dignity of paying her own way, shouldn't she?
Take it or leave it, Mom.
Lets see, 24 hours X 7 = 168 hours
$500 / 168 hours = $2.98/hour
Where can I go to find a RN to help me day and night 24/7 for less than $3/hour.
Remember, even when you're sleeping, you're still on call.
The only way for her to see your value is for her to pay someone else at the standard rate of $20 -$25/ hour 24/7. Then she will beg you to come back.
Did you have to quit your job to come and care for your mother? If so, she's costing you your earnings and your future financial security.
You may be okay with being there for her, but can you afford it? Your mother needs to be realistic about her life and limitations. You probably do, too.
Hugs to you as you (hopefully) take a realistic look at your likely future if you stay with your mom. I hope you find an alternative that will honor her need for care and your need to make your own life.
Cost out three of them:
#1 in-home care as is - caregiver contract with you @$2K per month PLUS allow for respite care and the additional support that you are *bound* to need at some point;
#2 in-home care without you, care supplied by agencies or employees;
#3 continuing care facility.
I don't think she'll still think it's too much, but it's up to her.
It would be nice to be appreciated, and it's true that appreciation, love, mutual regard do form most of the real compensation for the sacrifice that family caregivers make (that's why we're so cheap!). But meanwhile, we are still living in the real world, you can't appeal to the loving heart of your utilities suppliers, and she needs to offset what you would be earning if your time was not devoted to her care.
I am amazed at the number of stories of offspring caring for parents who are downright abusive. I know aging is difficult but it needn't be downright abusive. I think some of these parents should be given an ultimatum. Otherwise accept the abuse and tolerate it which seems like a waste of a life.
When my mother suggested the possibility of going to live with her niece who accused me of forcing her from her home after a fall,head trauma and numerous other signs of self neglect not to mention being told at the hospital that she should not be living alone due to many conditions, I told her fine but that would be the end of my involvement with her. That was the end of a conversation that was never brought up again.
We as caregivers are worth every penny. Most of us don’t get a cent. Some are even paying to support the person that they care for.
Only, of course, she'd need to employ at least two, and more like three; so call it 2.5 x $85K (mean figure) = $212.5K per annum = $4,087 per month. Not including taxes, benefits, insurance...
"Mother I love you very much. Here are the figures."
$330 per day for 24 hour care.
$46 for 1 hour
$106 for 4 hours
these are the charges for IN HOME CARE, NOT HOME “HEALTH” CARE. If medical help is necessary it’s way more expensive. Even putting pills in the weekly divider is considered HEALTH.
If you aren’t working and she’s not paying you then you’re supposed to lose your home? The American dream, entire career, Plus Your Serenity?? In my opinion that’s not ok and no matter how much you love her that’s not realistic to expect of a child. In reality you’re paying to care for her. AgingCare.com can have people come out for whatever level of care is needed and give you their figures so she can see them on paper. She is older and I understand that sounds like a lot but she’s lived through to these times and she’s quite aware milk is $3.99 a gallon and it’s not delivered by the milkman so I apologize for sounding callous but gas was .36 cents a gallon and it’s damn near 4 dollars now ( I’m 46) so she’s not getting sicker shock! I found several great companies with the help on here and this forum has been invaluable. I suppose the choice is up to her, pay you so you keep your home or pay a stranger $2,310.00 per week so you can go home, it’s that simple.
Oh dear I will go and sit underneath the desk for a little while until I stop blushing.
I live to far to check on her in person on a regular basis, plus I need to be home to watch my 74 year old husband making sure he is taken care of. He's beginning to become a fall risk, and has a few other issues cropping up now. My priority is MY husband/home/business and MY sanity.
Your Mom should be grateful that you asked for $500/wk and she gets to have YOU around! And remind her that wages are at where they are NOW so you can buy food and shelterTODAY, NOT 60 years ago.
$500/wk to pay your own daughter not only seems reasonable, affordable and a bargain, but you'd think your own mom would give with a warm hand rather than a cold one. I shake my head when I hear elderly parents won't compensate for their adult children that sacrifice their productive lives for a parent who is selfish and difficult - expecting you to slave over them. And don't give me that "they took care of you when YOU were a child" crap. For me, I don't buy into it. And, besides, my mom paid a live-in to take care of me until I was 13. So there. And my mom also, didn't do any care for HER mom (her uncle did - because my mom was a career woman with a husband, child and mortgage) So there again.!
$500 a week comes down to $2.98 an hour.
Be mindful IF you come to a dollar amount she will LEGALLY become YOUR employer and you need to prepare taxes unless she plans to pay under the table BUT in the event she needs to go on Medicaid for nursing home placement--the government will consider this "gifting". Without paying filing taxes there is no proof this was not gifting. Believe me they will find out. The government has access to all bank account information instantly.
loathe the prospect of moving, of change, of loss of independence but her body simply has 100-year old parts and cannot function safely like before.
Negotiating anything with my mother is out of the question as her abilities to reason have long ago left - she fired 5 different people/care companies that were hired to help prior to the AFC...so it just got to the point after a hospitalization where she could no longer live alone at home...
Think of the long term and try to find an alternative situation for her care - nothing you do will ever be the thing she wants or likes ... I wish you the best of luck with this!
I realize your question is about wages and that your request has been validated to you on this forum in spades.
There is some really deep deep seated need to be needed by your mother to prove you are good enough. Therefore you’ve subjugated her needs over your own. At 100 she has lived long enough. She has plenty of money for her care. My question to you is do you have enough for your own retirement? And possible care in the future?
Personally I think you should not be living with her but you didn’t ask that. Plenty of us on here have suggested that. But at least get someone hired to be there during the night so you can sleep. Unless you want your lack of sleep to cause your hippocampus to shrink so you can possibly have dementia later.
Do you feel you have value? Is your life more important than mom who has had by your account a fantastic, easy and LONG life? Shes 100 and has lived her life. Yes, aging is hard but it’s not your fault is it. Get a thicker skin, some self respect and decide how to proceed forward. Hope you will let us know what ends up happening.
Lots for me to figure out here, but I feel better knowing I am not being a 'bad daughter' if I tell her she needs to find another option for her care. I really appreciate everyone's insight and support