Has anyone experienced "passive aggressive behavior" in a parent with dementia?

Oh, also forgot to add that she will not join any group, day care center, meet with friends (old or new) she insists that "I" make the excuses for her to them. She uses her mental state as her excuse why she does not wish to communicate with anyone because she is embarrassed. She definately has always has to be "Miss Perfect" to the outside world hence why she will get in full make up, dressed up, jewelry and all just to go to shopping. She can communicate, she just doesn't want to admit to anyone she is less than perfect and uses me as her shield. This means I am her whole world and she has shut anyone else out because I am the only one she chooses to talk to and be with. So, if she is bored, it's her own fault! I told her when she said she wanted to get a place with me that I would not be able to spend all my time with her and entertain her and even suggested she move into a senior living place. She wouldn't have it. I have tried everything including finding a group that had people with dementia so she would not feel embarrassed. She only agreed to go if I went with her. Same with anywhere, she will only go if I hold her hand. The whole point is to get her to socialize with other people without her human shield (me) but she flatly refuses all of it.

It goes hand in hand with "I don't want to be a burden", while they reject every suggestion to bring in outside help. I suppose that she really doesn't want to bother you, but her dementia causes her to obsess. Set your boundaries, it isn't good for either of you if she makes you her whole world.

Ohhhhh if only I had a dime for everytime I hear and have heard that phrase, "I don't want to be a burden." She actually started that one waaaay before she started getting dementia. I remember rolling my eyes everytime she would go down that road. I always chalked it up to the typical "Irish Catholic Guilt" I grew up with. Now she say's things like, " I try not to bother you......you can just ignore me....etc. etc. My husband is convinced she is knowingly manipulating me but I just don't want to believe that she would do that to me. It would mean she would knowingly be making me miserable.

Ohhhhh if only I had a dime for everytime I hear and have heard that phrase, "I don't want to be a burden." She actually started that one waaaay before she started getting dementia. I remember rolling my eyes everytime she would go down that road. I always chalked it up to the typical "Irish Catholic Guilt" I grew up with. Now she say's things like, " I try not to bother you......you can just ignore me....etc. etc. My husband is convinced she is knowingly manipulating me but I just don't want to believe that she would do that to me. It would mean she would knowingly be making me miserable.

Sorry, not sure why that posted twice!

Well of course I deal with this! I was just talking with my husband about how passive aggressive mom is. She "gets" me enough that I just don't want to talk to her and give her an opening. She plays the oh I am so helpless so that we do everything for except get her dressed. I just found out she snuck cash to my brother via my holiday company. Odd she can't figure out the simplistic of things but can plot to give him money after she promised me he wouldn't. Yep I'm mad he gets money and I do not.Call me jealous, dealing with sibling rivalry ... just don't care. She has money because she isn't paying for a nursing home.

There is a LOT of passive aggressive out there, at all ages. My MIL would actually take herself to the ER if we went on vacation. Her chart said "somatoform disorder" (pain or illness with no apparent cause). My sister has mysterious aches and pains that appear when she misbehaves at the group home.

Rainey, my mother does everything you talked about. She won't be around people without me. Even if my brother is coming over to visit I have to be there. Sometimes I have to sneak out after he gets here to get things done. She also will keep on about things until I do them. My mother is not as nice as yours, though. Mine is outright bossy. I don't do things right away anymore, though I have to admit that her nagging makes me do them faster than I normally would.

My mother sees me now like her arm or her leg. From what you said, your mother sees you the same way. Wouldn't it be nice if they realized that they could still do things on their own, like visit with other people? And wouldn't it be nice if they realized that they actually didn't need the box of rice until the next planned shopping trip? Mine always wants what she wants right now, like it's a national emergency and the world will stop turning if I don't go get it. I know it is a major control issue, but it can wear a caregiver out after a while.

Jessiebelle & Patti,
You both are my saving grace because I don't feel so alone or that I am going nuts with these issues. I wish I could turn off my emotions sometimes and not let this behavior get to me but as you both know and understand, there is past history that makes it hard to be "Little Miss Sunshine" when it just feels like you are being passively manipulated into their every whim. Jessie, the world will cease to turn if she runs out of Haagen Daz gelato! She say's she has a little EVERY DAY! Who has to have ice cream everyday? Patti, I absolutely get the "helpless thing" but when she is determined, I have seen her pull off things I was just as surprised about. I have a brother who is a manipulative greedy jerk so I took away her checkbook and CC's. Now he get zilch because he never offered to help her in anyway, just wants to see what he can get out of her. Because I have full POA, I can do this. I also decided to give the group thing a try in my area just to see if it could help. After having a minor meltdown the other day, I felt I had nothing to lose. They have a meeting specifically for adult children caring for their parent/s with dementia. I'll let you know how it goes. I need better coping skills to keep my sanity in check and maybe I can gleen some insight into coping with these things that trigger my irritation. I am tired of feeling guilty everytime I lose my cool. Thank you both!

This sounds exactly like my household! My 83 year-old mother Lives with me and it sounds like she and your mother were made out of the same mold! I'm having a really hard time coping with all the passive aggressive behavior as well. She will ask me to do something and when I am ready to do it she says oh no I don't want to be a bother...it can wait.... and then if I don't do it I pay for it! It seems like a lose lose for me. I'm finding myself wanting to isolate away from her. She will say something passive aggressive and just retreat to her room as well. It hurts so much because my mom and I used to be so close . Don't even get me started about that "I don't want to be a burden thing!" I hear that all the time too. I'm starting to find myself becoming very depressed about the situation and having a hard time coping. I don't want her to have to go to a nursing home, I want to be able to take care of her. But some days it does sound kind of good. She also says "I'm just living too long that's all." The other day she informed me that she wanted to move to Oregon, when I asked her why? She replied because Oregon has an assisted suicide law! This was very hurtful to me because my brother committed suicide, and my daughter attempted suicide last year! It is definitely a hot button for me. She said the world is becoming like Sodom and Gamora and she hates the way our country is going down. She watches the news all the time and becomes very upset by it. My emotions are so raw, I don't want to go off on her but sometimes I do too. I always feel sad and guilty when I do, and she's give me the silent treatment for a while, or will act like nothing ever happened. I'm glad I'm not the only one going through this… she has gone to church by herself a couple of times and seems to like it. Also One of my piano students brings her grandmother over during lessons, so they can chat. The downside of that was when my 11-year-old piano student told me that my mom told her grandmother how much I hurt her feelings all the time . It made me want to put a stop to the whole thing. But I guess we all need to vent to someone? I'm not really sure how to handle the situation? Because I don't like her talking negatively about me especially to a student's grandmother. I haven't said haven't said anything to her about it.
I'm really not sure how to handle it, any suggestions? My mom has not officially been diagnosed with dementia. I'm not sure how to go about getting help from a medical professional? It is comforting to know there is someone out there who is going through exactly what I am too. I hope this is helpful? I would love to hear any feedback from you guys. Thank you Kali

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. My mom was just here for two hellish weeks (i did my duty) and pulls the passive - aggressive stuff. The wanting to go to a store - we agree Thursday after lunch but then she obsesses over it or reminds me about it all the time. I told her "i have it in my diary, you don't have to bring it up". then she acts pouty "I'm sorry, i'm being a burden" so i tell her "i don't mind taking you to the store, but i do mind being nagged about it" - then i let her pout. I tend to, as politely as i can, call her out on her behavior and if needed, leave the room. She can't get to me if she can't talk to me or see me. After a day or two - she gets the drill and behaves. I don't blow up, i don't engage if she gets emotional - i leave "i'll let you have a few minutes to yourself" because she wants to pick a fight and i won't. She comes around eventually.

Kali & Kimber,
Thanks for your stories about going through identical behavioral problems with Mom. I do everything for her because I have to, her dementia has moved on to a new phase since I wrote this post. Now her memory has become significantly and consistently shorter. I get upset too at times because I have more things I am dealing with in life besides her, and they aren't all rosey. Sometimes it just begins to feel like "What in the world was I thinking agreeing to this?" Life stinks now. I get depressed, filled with anxiety when pressures start to mount and the hits just keep coming. Where is my break? Nowhere in sight. She refuses any outside help. Kali, my oldest brother ODed, that really sent Mom into a tailspin mentally, never the same woman since. I won't deny sometimes I am envious hoping he is at peace, wishing I could just get a taste of that word. Mom still keeps saying at least once a day, I wish I could help you, I try not to bother you, I keep trying to explain to her I don't think your bothering me unless you constantly nag me to go to the store or whatever else she decides to fixate on. Yes, I feel bad when I lose it and tell her these things are not a matter of emergency. Being out of Hagen Daaz does not constitute an emergency to me. Being out of Altoids, dry cereal, whatever the new thing De Jour will be. Meantime, I am just trying to get a moments peace to get myself calmed down and clear my head from the laundry list of things I need to do. I don't have the will or energy because I am wiped out. I get 10 things done, then another 15 get added on. Then the salt in the wound, my brothers accuse me of having ulterior motives to Mom's money. You gotta be kidding! I had to quit my career, have no health insurance, I can't get a break because husband makes too much money so they think he should be paying the fortune that it would cost for me to be insured. So, I just pay as I go. My life and freedom is gone, what on earth would possess them I purposely signed up for this?

I'm sorry you are having this trouble, but I do thank you for sharing. I had thought that my mother's behavior was simply due to her f'd up brain, but she's pretty much always been this way, so what did I expect? Some of it, yes, is due to her disease process. But this pouting and downright manipulative behavior is beyond maddening! It's like having a teenage drama queen in the house again, only this time there's no growing out of it! Arghhhh!

The latest is that any time she doesn't get what she wants or has to do something she doesn't want to do (ie, go to the doctor, and today it was I had a handyman coming to the house to give an estimate for doing some work), she gets a "sick stomach" and has to lay down. And the moans and groans and dramatic (pause for effect) sighs.

This morning she decided she had to get up at 5:30am and when I wasn't bright and chipper she got her nose out of joint and proceeded to sniff her nose and go back to bed. (at 7am, after I was already awake ...grrrrr....) When she got back up at 7:30am I asked her if she wanted breakfast and she sneers and says "fine"... she sure showed me!

I decided to just ignore the behavior all day and that just made her more incensed and resulted in bigger loader moans and sighs and even a stint out in the back hard fake bawling so all the neighbors could hear. She proceeded to sigh and moan all day and complain about her "sick stomach". Now, mind you the "sick stomach" is fine when it's time to eat or go out or whatever, but around the house that's my punishment for not jumping up and down with glee at 5:30 in the freaking morning! And there's no talking to her, no setting limits or boundaries because she moans and cries if you say anything other than happy, happy joy joy. So she slept all day off and on and she'll go to bed at 8pm and then be up at 5am again.

And the best/worst part? She's only been living with me for not quite 2 weeks!!!!! OMG!!! I'm in h*ll. And like you Rainey, I stupidly signed up for this! I need to have MY head examined!

Now thanks for letting me rant and get that out of my system. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. The pattern so far has been a good day and a bad day and a good day and a bad day, so please let tomorrow be a good day! :-)

Kimber and Rainey. Thank you both so much. Definitely going to say I don't mind going to store I do mind the nagging. And ya we don't need a dozen cookies every day. nomad se. 530 a m is way too early. Living this life we live takes the joy of living out of ours. Sounds harsh but true. Some one earlier posted about feeling like a slave and I know I do. Plus I have a 21 yr old daughter who is starting to show some signs of mild depression because she hates being here. Well at least she has her own apartment and only comes here on the weekends.

Hi Kali. I think maybe some 80 plus year olds are just miserable. Period. No matter what is done for them, they aren't capable of doing it for themselves. Not everything but a lot of things. They may miss being who they were. I don't know. I mean I wish my face had less wrinkles. Wouldn't mind having a 30 year old no wrinkled face . So multiply that times 50. My mom has dementia. 79 years old. Been diagnosed for a year. But has progressed rapidly last few months . She's been here for 2 decades but it wasn't horrible until the last few years. I think of nursing home/ assisted living every day , because I'm trapped. No one likes being trapped. But I am. I think with in a year her disease will progress to the point she will go to assisted living and I won't feel guilty because i think at that point , it will be a matter of safety and necessity. In regards to getting an initial assessment for dementia, I just went with her ( first time) last year to her drs appointment. But called a head of time and privately told office staff I was concerned about her memory loss. , so I didn't have to bring it up in front of her. Hope this helps

Jessibelle Patti and Rainey you also Malik, OMG thank you all for writing. It sounds a lot like what goes on with my mother as well. She then becomes very aggressive when she feels she can't manipulate the situation. She often had something negative to say about everyone . 9 times out of 10 its always someone else's fault for her short comings and if I try to get her to see others points of views she claims I'm just being argumentative just to upset her on purpose. Its exhausting just trying to argue the fact that it is not a crime to see things from a positive point off view and I am entitled to express my opinion given the fact that I have been asked to do so.
I am trying to deal with things as they are getting harder as each day goes by. I owe a lot to all the people who have written in questions and answers. I know I am not alone Thank. You from the bottom of my heart. There is so much more to my story. I feel like even a physicist would write in his notes OMG if I sat down and went into detail at all or if he would even believe that I'm not just making this stuff up.

Eastapple,
Bet I would believe you and we could both write novels because there is just so much, it's pretty overwhelming. BTW, I spent years in therapy, what a waste, got me nowhere but them whipping out the prescip pad, or worthless impossible advice that was just not realistic, such as, "Your family is just toxic, you need to completely walk away from all of them." Ohhhhhh, alrighty then, I will just get right on that. NEXT! Keep writing here, that actually does help!

Um. I went eyeball to eyeball with my mother once over her infuriating obsession with always having her car fully fuelled. The fuel gauge has six markers, and if it ever went to three or below she would panic about running out of fuel. For goodness' sake, there's even an indicator on the dash telling you how many miles' worth you've got - around about two hundred in that case, roughly.

It didn't happen to suit me to stop at a filling station, I wanted to get straight home, and there were ten miles to go and absolutely no need to refuel. She became more and more anxious and upset, and I became sterner and more logical, until Daughter 2 in the back snapped "mother could we just get the f**king petrol please."

We did. It wasn't quicker but it was less upsetting and stressful, I had to agree.

What I've come to think since, and obviously this is with the benefit of masses of hindsight, is that elders' - especially demented elders' - naggy obsessions have much do with their dwindling world view, plus or minus existing personality traits. If you had a stone in your shoe you'd be a lot less interested in international carbon treaties than you would in getting the dam' stone out; the difference being that once you'd done that you'd go straight back to the bigger picture. But our elders can't cope with big picture stuff any more, it's *all* about their immediate context.

Well said, Countrymouse.

Amen to that Countrymouse, an excellent analogy!

NomadSE,
Oh you have got to get out of it, NOW! Start looking for an ALF if possible and if financially feasable because if this is how it is only two weeks in, you have only gotten a small taste of what you are in for! I tell you if I had a crystal ball that could have shown me what I was in for, I would have made other choices. Just now, today, I am on my monthly nightmare (I have dysmenorrhea) and take hard meds just to get through the first couple days of excruciating pain. I go over to Mom, (to do my duty and take care of her lymphatic leg) and she starts in about how the birdbath/fountain needs to be cleaned out for the birds. She knows I am on my period, she knows I am in pain, but those birdies gotta be taken care of!!!! So, as usual, just to shut her the heck up, I go out there and scrub it out and fill it with fresh water so she will hopefully let me be, just for today, please, I pray she will leave me alone with my pain. Oh, then she comes out while I am cleaning it out for her and say's her usual, "Is there anything I can do to help?" Yeah Mom, with your dementia ridden mind and your bad leg, come scrub out the fountain with me. I did not say that but what I DID want to say was, "Yes, you can help by shutting the ______ up and quit nagging me to death, especially when I am the one who is cramping & not feeling well!" Of course, I just replied, "No Mom," just like a good daughter should. 😁 *Gritting teeth* 

understanding the other side..My daughter just married. It is a new and often times confusing place. I don't want to bother her yet she is distant and doesn't keep in contact the way she did only a few weeks ago before she married. Iam not a clingy mom, have lots of friends and her father! It is a strange place to be...and one I can now commiserate and even dread. I would act the way all of you speak of...I would know I needed help. I would ask for help or maybe ask in a round about way, not wanting to be demanding...wanting you to want to help me knowing all I was doing was irritating you...I dread the future. I am only mid 50's in good health, but reading all the posts makes me realize I MUST arrange my future fragility without depending on my daughters!

Thanks for posting these. I feel like we are in the same leaky boat.
I just moved my Mom across the country to a brand new trailer in my backyard. So far it's been a bit of a nightmare. Delays on delivery, problems with the installation. In short, she is living on my couch and holding the whole house hostage. She expects to be waited on hand and foot and when we go shopping (God forbid she just give me the friggin' list) it's a 3-4 hour ordeal. Anything that goes wrong and it "I should just kill myself". WTH?
I haven't even seen my daughter in days. She's hiding upstairs because my Mom can't do the stairs. My husband is threatening to move to a hotel until she moves into her trailer. Even my sweet dog hates her and growls at her. Now, he has to be in a kennel when I go to work because of her.
OMG. What was I thinking???

Would a good old fashioned heart to heart where boundaries are laid out even work with her? I understand what you are going through and most of us on here get it as well. What is it about some elderly, when they come to stay with you, they will not go with the flow and respect that it IS your home.

Keep in close contact with that trailer moving company. And maybe get a quote on changing your door locks when this experiment is over!! Smiles!

I first noticed when I was about ten years old, that if I asked my father a question I would never get a straight answer. I think it’s a part of maintaining control. He won’t answer, I have to guess and so, I’m always wrong. That makes HIM ALWAYS RIGHT! And I’m forever an idiot, am selfish and horrible.

For father it’s a game that keeps on giving.

yes, the in home nurse who evaluated mom stated that mom was definitely passive aggressive.