My parents want to live close to me, I can't think of anything worse. Any advice?

If you really feel that strongly about living close to your parents, tell them you're pretty sure you'll be moving in the spring. Come up with a reason...job, climate, friends, your boyfriend's family, your boyfriend's job, something...be a little vague on where.

Five children and no relationship with any of them, She must be a real piece of work.

I wholeheartedly agree - you could tell her that you're contemplating a change of school/environment for your son and that he is your priority - he needs you and frankly, your parents can take care of themselves - do not be controlled - and at the next phone call make it clear that your life is both organised and yet fluid and you can't accommodate any interruptions to it.

I am sorry you have this problem with your mother. It sounds very similar to mine. It is very difficult, but you need to stay resolute for your own family, and do not let her ruin either your marriage or your life. My theory is that most people who are miserable and unhappy want to make others feel the same way. Your only recourse is to stay as far away as possible.

Sigh. Familyof3, this is yet another situation where I would LOVE to take a leaf out of my sister's Book of B1tch, but know that, like you, I would find this a really hard one to duck.

Mother: …so we want to move closer to be near you and our grandson…
Sister: Well you're not coming here! If you move here, I'm moving away.

(followed by Never Apologise, Never Explain)

She doesn't believe in beating about the bush, you see. Forms her suspicions early on, then gets her retaliation in first.

Yes, I do kind of admire it. No, I don't think it's the greatest way to be towards other people, especially not our nearest and dearest hem-hem.

But. Now, then. The thing is, that is actually the truth of what we need your parents to understand. That quite frankly you would rather live in a tent on a mud flat than have them living within regular eyeshot of you. And so, it becomes a matter mainly of phrasing. Now you can make excuses, with more or less credibility to it, but unless you're awfully good at that it will wear you down over time. And your mother doesn't sound like the type to give up easily.

So, what about the short sharp shock? Not cruel, but very clear about what YOU want. Mother, my little boy is my priority and I will not accept responsibility for your or Dad's long term care. For that reason, I don't want to be living too close to you.

You could try writing down a few different versions of it, but what you need to deliver is that key Home Truth. You WILL not have them landing on you.

But that's only half of the story. Wow! - your Dad attempted suicide? Was that attributed to post-retirement depression, and he's supposed to be all better now? I hesitate to ask, but what was and is your mother's take on this?

I wouldn't be totally astonished if she viewed it as attempted betrayal of her, for which he is now - quite rightly. she thinks - very sorry and has promised Never To Do That Again.

Um. What about researching good supported living options for the two of them in their current neighbourhood? If you concentrate on your Dad's welfare, making him the principal client, you don't need your mother's permission to discuss possibilities with professional advisers. Have a good look, and be imaginative, at what's available to them where they are.

Really hard. What you'd be trying to accomplish is support for your father while dodging your mother. Hard to get at him while she's in the way.

What does she say about him in general? Does she believe that she is a loving and devoted wife who gives him his whole sense of purpose? Since she's retired from housekeeping, what does she do with her time?

As someone whose mother has ALLOWED 1 hour of sleep in 3 nights......my answer is NO, NEVER. Not if you value your life. Because I have none and you won't either. They will rob you of your life and suck all the sanity out of you. Don't do it.

It occurs to me that your mom could move nearby but if she isn't very mobile, she won't see you if YOU don't show up. Perhaps make it clear to mom (a gentler page out of CM ' S sister's book?, that no matter where she lives, it's not going to be you doing hands on care giving. "I couldn't possibly do THAT", is the phrase I'm told you use. "Let's nook into what resources are available in your neck of the woods" and stick to your guns! The family I was married into for 20 plus years was ruled by my controlling mil. It wasn't until I got divorced that I started being able to say no to her (ex still kowtows). And you know what? The world didn't end. I allowed myself to be controlled.

i would say if they insist on moving, let them. But the only help that I would offer is to find them an asisted living facility to go right into. That way, their needs are taken care of and they are provided opportuntities for socializtion and activity. Your only responsiblity would be to visit once in a while. Sounds like your dad deserves a better life.

You can't stop people moving wherever they want, they are adults. Talk to them and tell them the pros and cons of making a big move to another town, how it would impact on their lives and at this stage of their life its not easy. They would have to make a lot of adjustments and there will be challenges no doubt that come with shifting home. There will be added stress on them and on you when they come to rely on you. Tell your mum the truth that she is controlling and it would disturb your peace. As they say the truth hurts, it will hurt her and it will hurt you to speak to her, but its the truth and who knows she may start thinking about her behaviour and change her attitude.

Hi - this is very much what happened with me in 2004 - Mom wanted to move 6 hours to be nearer to me, and plopped IN my neighborhood, less than a mile away. That was a shocker, and made me furious. I went to lots of counseling. She's like your mother in personality, only she's single and I'm the only child. Anyway, it's been a nightmare on one hand, including fights a few times of year; it's also been an opportunity to do things together we'd never done (she's not always awful). Do your parents not have any friends where they are now? If several have died, they may feel 'there's nothing left' there. My mother left for that reason, and to get away from the colder weather. But I think if you asked her now she should've stayed, she feels like a stranger here still after 10 years, and your folks may end up too. Find studies, articles, whatever that changing locations later in life is disorienting and there's no time to get used to it. Just a thought. It sounds like you see them sometimes anyway, if they insist on moving angle them to 2-3 hours away at least. That's enough to prevent old people from driving very often. In my situation, the parent didn't move for hopes of long-term care, she moved bc she fantasized 'we should hang out,' which is much more socially delicate. I'm sorry and good luck. 🍀

Hi Familyof3,
Wonderful advice here from everyone. Zdarov - your point about finding studies that moving later in life is disorienting, etc. is brilliant. Saying that you aren't sure where you'll be in a year let alone ten is the truth. None of us knows the future.

You must think of your son and that means taking care of yourself. Some parent/child relationships are so toxic that the adult children must step back and let the "system" work, even if that means trips to the ER or 9-1-1 calls.

Please keep in touch and let us know how you are handling this difficult situation.
Carol

I'm willing to bet, as a mother of five, she wanted to bail many times while you were all growing up. I'm willing to bet, as a mother of five, that she sacrificed a lot even though there is no relationship with the children now.

It saddens me to hear adult children talk so horribly about their parents. I am the youngest of five and I can't say that I got a whole lot of attention growing up nor can I say that we had much of anything. But as I look back (both of my parents are long gone), I realize "Wow. They must have been tired. No wonder Dad didn't smile so much. No wonder Mom didn't have friends."

I would suggest at least one night of sincere prayer to ask the Lord to guide you in making the right decision. I would suggest that you put yourself in both of their situations and ask your self what would you have your child do for you when you are 70 years old and not happy with your circumstances.

Just sayin ...

Your parents sound like they both need psychiatric help, at this age, forget therapy, but maybe pills would help. Unfortunately, I think people like this do not change.

More importantly, mom wont get her own cup of tea, you suspect she will not pay her bills, if dad does pre-decease her, why would she be able to find a new home and move? She will look to you to take over. When/if this happens, you need to stay strong, and only do what you are willing. After the funeral, you can stay a few days, but not bring her home. Help her hire a caregiver or agency, Set her up for meals on wheels. Maybe take over her finances LONG DISTANCE. Bills can be routed to you and payments made online. Or if she has funds, perhaps you can get her into assisted lived. You said she would not walk or catch a bus, I did not understand that to be that she is immobile, I assume she could get around the house.

She does not sound like she has the wherewithall to show up at your front door, you will need to take charge.

I see there are many telling you to tell a wee lie, but why? I would just tell her the truth. 1 since they are old it would not be wise to make such a big move. 2 You like your life just as it is. Offer to visit your parents more, even if its once a year. Be stern but polite.

Assisted Living takes care of meals, cleaning, laundry etc. Also provides social activities and gatheting rooms so they're not alone together all the time...dad could get away and talk to other people. If they qualify (they wouls be tested for mobility etc) it's a great option.

Haveseenalot, Yes parents get tired. But they are young. They are not seniors or about to be, still working, still saving for retirement, and due to the success economy, often dealing with the stress of un- or underemployment of spouses. Caring for a parent doesn't mean having them living in your home. it means helping them find the best care for them. My grandma lived with us; she so often complained of being lonely for folks her own age. It would have been a blessing had there been senior centers, assisted living when she was alive.

How about telling her the truth? Straight out?
I am guessing she is classic bully and does not hear the truth very often, could be good for her to hear.

I feel sorry for your poor father though. Do you not think it would do him good to be near you?

(Can't quite believe some of the responses I am seeing on here, supposed to be a site for 'carers', not 'I don't care-ers'... sounds like you are trying to dump unwanted pets!)

Grandkids do mellow people, she clearly responded to your request to to tone it down around him, so you do seem to have the balls to tell her off.
Maybe you son is the one to tame her? (Mine has melted my dad's pretty frigid heart. Total surprise)

You are not the kid anymore, you don't have to take any of her crap. Always say what is on your mind, don't let it simmer.
(First time I told my dad to shut up was an epiphany! He actually rang me to apologise for him being rude! Who knew that's what it took?)
They are not Gods, they are just people, with flaws. Talk to her like you are equals, she'll get the hang of it.
'Don't be such a b*tch, mum' would possibly work a treat!

If they do move closer (maybe agree on it being about a 30 mins commute maybe so close enough for regular visits, but far enough to avoid unplanned popovers)

My historically strained relationship with my domineering and previously cold father has totally evolved since I had my son, and since my dad hit 80. We still have our moments, but I would not swap the last 10 years.

Grow a backbone and stand up to her.
See what happens.
You hold the cards.

It sounds like your parents need to be in an assisted living community. They will be around people their own age, not to mention your father needs some serious help.

I'd say 'fight fire with fire'. Do your own musing aloud about making a move. Talking about maybe being somewhere else in ten years' time won't scare off a skilled manipulator. Her first thought would be "once I move near, I can keep her from moving." You need to sound as committed as she does. Send her links to properties you're 'considering'. Talk about school systems in other towns...
Don't engage in talk of what your parents' moving plans might be. You can't control that and that's your mom's weapon. Take it away from her by making yourself a moving target. Never mention that you don't want her moving near you, just periodically bring up in conversation the move you're planning. Vary the destination and keep the timing vague but imminent - "we would want to move before school starts" or something similar.
It could be a little bit of fun, dabbling in searching out locations. And, hey, you might even accidentally find a place you actually want to move to : )

RUN! It is a very difficult situation you are facing, one that seems there is no perfect solution. Put your child first and stay strong!

HaveSeenALot
I am totally with you on this on...I'm youngest of six, and a single (working) parent of one, and it is exhausting... ONE! - how my mother coped with 6 is beyond me!

After raising 5 kids, I think she was probably entitled to a bit of a break when your dad retired.
So what if he made her cups of tea? Why the h*ll shouldn't he?
Men don't attempt suicide because they have to make cups of tea or look after their wives. (My 89 yr old dad has been fulltime 'carer' for my invalud 85 year old mum for 4 years, refused any external professional help (is lucky to have have 3 daughters on tap who want to help!! 3 sons do bog-all, totally selfish - I am not looking forward to my old age with only one son to look after me, I'm booking myself into a warden assisted place as soon as I hit 70 after seeing how hard it is for kids to look after parents !!!)

Your parents both sound deeply unhappily married?
With the kids all gone, and him retired, they have no more distractions from the fact that they probably should never have married in the first place? Maybe you mum's bitterness stems from feeling trapped in a loveless marriage with 5 kids?
Have you asked her?

Sounds to me like they need marriage guidance/ a divorce? May make both of them happier in their twilight years? Sure as hell doesn't sound like they make each other happy.

It's very telling that four of your siblings haven't spoken to your mother in twenty years. That's an indication that something is very, very wrong. This isn't an example of a busy mom who was worn out by caring for five children, and who deserves your stepping up to the plate and caring for her in her old age. This sounds like a toxic person who will pull everyone around her down with her.

If your gut reaction is horror and dread at the thought of her living close to you, then you should listen to your gut and protect yourself and your son from being drawn int her web of negativity and entitlement.
If they want to move nearby you can't stop them, but you can limit contact with her. Help your dad, if you want. Look into assisted living for them. But don't, I repeat, DON'T think you're obligated to become an unpaid servant and general dogsbody for your mother because "society" expects you to.

You can pray all you want, but remember what the Bible says about reaping what you sow. Your mom is now reaping what she sowed throughout her life. I expect that when you are her age, your son will be willing to help you out of love and not out of some idea that he owes it to you, because you treated people much better than your mother did.

Well this family you describe to put it bluntly has issues. The relationship of your parents (where dad caters completely to mom) did not start last week, so it is what it is. If he were unhappy about it enough he would have left her years ago.

That you are the only sibling who talks to the parents is telling as well.

However, if they move they move. You can ignore them living in the same town --plenty of adult children do.

At 45 years old, if is a same to not at least have some relationship with them that isn't toxic. Regarding the son, I am not sold telling him to ignore the elderly
grandparents is really a good role model either. Otherwise expect the same lack of concern for you when you are 65+ years old.

Finally, your parents are not that old as senior citizens go. My father retired at 65 years but died at 93 years (so a 28 year retirement). I would suggest purchasing long term care policies for one or both of them. If you don't want or can't care for them if the need help in the home, the long term care policy will allow you to hire home health aides to be with them. If the other 4 siblings agreed to chip in on the long term care policy, it would be a real advantage as they are not cheap---but well worth the money when the chips are down. Over 80 most companies will not write the policy and rates are lower the younger you are when it starts.

Good luck. Like some earlier responders, your post awakens me to how fortunate I was to have the parents I did. Sorry your luck with parents was not
what it should have been---but sometimes we have to move beyond our childhood and act in a way we would want to be treated in old age. I recognize this could be a tall order.

I agree with HaveSeenaLot. The name of this site is AgingCARE and this is a careGIVER's forum. I would hesitate to say your concerns are not warranted. But from your post it sounds like you don't really want to deal with it at all. Just that your mother is bitter and you don't want her around. If that is the extent of it, tell them so, if the move close ignore them, and if they harrass you get a restraing order or equivalent. I would stand with the Have seenalot post and suggest what goes around comes around. There was mention of your mum's bitterness, but your post had a rather bitter flavor. Do you want to be a link in the chain?

YoungestOfSix and HaveSeenAlot...

How about if we all agree to take people at their word when they come seeking affirmation and advice?! Sorry, but comments condemning adult children for not being grateful enough for their parents' sacrifices really get my blood boiling.
You have NO way of judging the dynamics of someone else's family. All you know is what they say and that they came here for help.
It's one thing to try to offer objective insight, but it's quite another to try to shame them into martyrdom for being honest about their feelings towards their parents.

Here's a truth that can't be argued (every little kid has shouted it at their mom at some point) "I didn't ask to be born." Whether our parents are loving and doting or neglectful and destructive, we didn't ask them to take on the job and didn't get to dictate how they performed it.

How much or how little we decide to help them when they're helpless is way too personal an equation for an outsider to judge.

I feel chastened. Yes indeedy, perhaps I ought to have followed my mother's sterling example, and taken her treatment of her own elderly mother as my guide.

It would most certainly have got me off the hook…

HaveSeenAlot, it is perfectly true that when we look back on our parents' parenting skills, we need to cut them considerable slack. I now understand much better that my parents had a lot on their plates, and a lot on their minds, and a great many other factors at play. But when one of those factors, as in Family's case, is a woman who has either alienated or cowed every one of her close family except for this one, hanging on grimly for who knows what reason (I suspect it's anxiety about her father, as much as filial duty); in that case then to understand all, while it might still be to forgive all, cannot mean to continue to accept all. Change is overdue. Expectations are in urgent need of correction.

Family of3's mother might as well have put up a banner saying Coming Ready Or Not. What most of us are trying to help her figure out is a fair and humane way of telling her mother - and giving ample notice, mark you - that she won't play this game.

Sorry, I don't get how you can be like that toward your mother and father. My mom lives with me and now that she has Alzhiemers I have to make sacrifices but that is what you have to do in life. I am an only child so it is my responsibility to care for her. The fact that you mother raised 5 kids, 4 of whom won't talk to her would make anyone bitter. Unless she was an abusive mother, it sounds like a pretty ungreatful bunch. At the very least you should want them to move closer to help out your father. He sounds like a decent guy. Some of you may think I am off base but I think our parents deserve to be treated with respect and compassion. I hope you child doesn't feel that way about you when you get old. Just a thought.

Has mom always been so bitter? If not maybe there is a medical reason she is the way she is or maybe she is depressed. If they move closer you can allow for some 'distance' between. Living closer doesn't mean your parents will always be at your home. I know it's difficult when a family member is so negative and it is hard to overlook, but sometimes we have to make allowances for some behaviors. Sounds as if your father is overwhelmed, he could benefit from a caregiver support group. If he passes, there are ways for your mom to pay bills, such as auto withdraw from her bank to pay utilities. Does your mom have outside interests? If so she can attend a senior center to meet others her age and participate in the many activities they offer. Your dad may enjoy that as well. If they do move, set ground rules so there are no surprises. Do they need to live in a senior community, you could check out the info in your area; this may be a good idea as there are others to assist and various activities for them to participate in. While negative behavior is a turn off, your mom is lucky that you are still speaking with her. Maybe they need to see a therapist, if not together then separate. We all have family members that have odd behaviors, negative attitudes or very different viewpoints.

My good friend told me to use this response when someone suggests something crazy to me, "Oh, no. That is impossible." "No. I cannot help you do that."

Raising children is in no way equal to caring for a bitter old woman. She is still quite capable of fixing whatever is wrong. My mother is great with others and is a Jeckle and Hyde with family.

Sorry but I have been reading and commenting on this site for some time and I can tell you, there are severely dysfunctional parents and families. Just because someone had 6 kids and raised them "the best they could" does not mean it was healthy or adequate. There are many people out their who abuse their children, kill their children, starve their children and yes, emotionally abuse their children as well.

I have yet know a Wonderful, loving mother who all of her children abandoned. Just the opposite. So cut Familyof3 some slack. Just because you are old and raised a House full of kids doesn't mean you did a good job of it.

And I really hate the "pray about it" comments. Maybe Familyof3 has prayed about it.

No easy answers here, but I get your despair. If they do move, keep contact limited and neutral. I'm curious about your mom's take on your dad's attempted suicide. If they were to move, would you at least be happy to see your dad more often? Maybe it's a chance to spend more time with him?