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My dad retired 5 years ago & told me that the day he did mum told him it's now his turn to look after her. He does everything for her. Cook, clean, shop, cups of tea. 4 years ago dad attempted suicide & I see now that mum has attributed to this. He won't leave her because he loves her. She wants them to move 14 hours away to live in my town so they can be close to my son & me. My mum is so so bitter. I am the only child out of 5 who has talked to her in 20 years. Mum hates everyone, is so negative but sugar costs it or talks in codes around my 8 year old son - because I told her to stop. If dad dies there is no way mum could go out & pay bills or but food as she doesn't drive or walk or catch a bus - she's very anti social. I don't want this kind of life for my son & I. We are happy & having them living close would change our lives for the worse. I have told them that I don't know where I'll be in 10 years when my son leaves home. But by the next phone call she talks about moving up here again. She is very controlling & has been my whole life. Please help me. I don't know what to do. I'm only 45 and they're 67 & 70.

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Hi Familyof3,
Wonderful advice here from everyone. Zdarov - your point about finding studies that moving later in life is disorienting, etc. is brilliant. Saying that you aren't sure where you'll be in a year let alone ten is the truth. None of us knows the future.

You must think of your son and that means taking care of yourself. Some parent/child relationships are so toxic that the adult children must step back and let the "system" work, even if that means trips to the ER or 9-1-1 calls.

Please keep in touch and let us know how you are handling this difficult situation.
Carol
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If you really feel that strongly about living close to your parents, tell them you're pretty sure you'll be moving in the spring. Come up with a reason...job, climate, friends, your boyfriend's family, your boyfriend's job, something...be a little vague on where.

Five children and no relationship with any of them, She must be a real piece of work.
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As someone whose mother has ALLOWED 1 hour of sleep in 3 nights......my answer is NO, NEVER. Not if you value your life. Because I have none and you won't either. They will rob you of your life and suck all the sanity out of you. Don't do it.
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It's very telling that four of your siblings haven't spoken to your mother in twenty years. That's an indication that something is very, very wrong. This isn't an example of a busy mom who was worn out by caring for five children, and who deserves your stepping up to the plate and caring for her in her old age. This sounds like a toxic person who will pull everyone around her down with her.

If your gut reaction is horror and dread at the thought of her living close to you, then you should listen to your gut and protect yourself and your son from being drawn int her web of negativity and entitlement.
If they want to move nearby you can't stop them, but you can limit contact with her. Help your dad, if you want. Look into assisted living for them. But don't, I repeat, DON'T think you're obligated to become an unpaid servant and general dogsbody for your mother because "society" expects you to.

You can pray all you want, but remember what the Bible says about reaping what you sow. Your mom is now reaping what she sowed throughout her life. I expect that when you are her age, your son will be willing to help you out of love and not out of some idea that he owes it to you, because you treated people much better than your mother did.
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I am sorry you have this problem with your mother. It sounds very similar to mine. It is very difficult, but you need to stay resolute for your own family, and do not let her ruin either your marriage or your life. My theory is that most people who are miserable and unhappy want to make others feel the same way. Your only recourse is to stay as far away as possible.
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It occurs to me that your mom could move nearby but if she isn't very mobile, she won't see you if YOU don't show up. Perhaps make it clear to mom (a gentler page out of CM ' S sister's book?, that no matter where she lives, it's not going to be you doing hands on care giving. "I couldn't possibly do THAT", is the phrase I'm told you use. "Let's nook into what resources are available in your neck of the woods" and stick to your guns! The family I was married into for 20 plus years was ruled by my controlling mil. It wasn't until I got divorced that I started being able to say no to her (ex still kowtows). And you know what? The world didn't end. I allowed myself to be controlled.
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i would say if they insist on moving, let them. But the only help that I would offer is to find them an asisted living facility to go right into. That way, their needs are taken care of and they are provided opportuntities for socializtion and activity. Your only responsiblity would be to visit once in a while. Sounds like your dad deserves a better life.
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I'm willing to bet, as a mother of five, she wanted to bail many times while you were all growing up. I'm willing to bet, as a mother of five, that she sacrificed a lot even though there is no relationship with the children now.

It saddens me to hear adult children talk so horribly about their parents. I am the youngest of five and I can't say that I got a whole lot of attention growing up nor can I say that we had much of anything. But as I look back (both of my parents are long gone), I realize "Wow. They must have been tired. No wonder Dad didn't smile so much. No wonder Mom didn't have friends."

I would suggest at least one night of sincere prayer to ask the Lord to guide you in making the right decision. I would suggest that you put yourself in both of their situations and ask your self what would you have your child do for you when you are 70 years old and not happy with your circumstances.

Just sayin ...
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YoungestOfSix and HaveSeenAlot...

How about if we all agree to take people at their word when they come seeking affirmation and advice?! Sorry, but comments condemning adult children for not being grateful enough for their parents' sacrifices really get my blood boiling.
You have NO way of judging the dynamics of someone else's family. All you know is what they say and that they came here for help.
It's one thing to try to offer objective insight, but it's quite another to try to shame them into martyrdom for being honest about their feelings towards their parents.

Here's a truth that can't be argued (every little kid has shouted it at their mom at some point) "I didn't ask to be born." Whether our parents are loving and doting or neglectful and destructive, we didn't ask them to take on the job and didn't get to dictate how they performed it.

How much or how little we decide to help them when they're helpless is way too personal an equation for an outsider to judge.
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Hi - this is very much what happened with me in 2004 - Mom wanted to move 6 hours to be nearer to me, and plopped IN my neighborhood, less than a mile away. That was a shocker, and made me furious. I went to lots of counseling. She's like your mother in personality, only she's single and I'm the only child. Anyway, it's been a nightmare on one hand, including fights a few times of year; it's also been an opportunity to do things together we'd never done (she's not always awful). Do your parents not have any friends where they are now? If several have died, they may feel 'there's nothing left' there. My mother left for that reason, and to get away from the colder weather. But I think if you asked her now she should've stayed, she feels like a stranger here still after 10 years, and your folks may end up too. Find studies, articles, whatever that changing locations later in life is disorienting and there's no time to get used to it. Just a thought. It sounds like you see them sometimes anyway, if they insist on moving angle them to 2-3 hours away at least. That's enough to prevent old people from driving very often. In my situation, the parent didn't move for hopes of long-term care, she moved bc she fantasized 'we should hang out,' which is much more socially delicate. I'm sorry and good luck. 🍀
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