As a care coordinator at an eldercare law firm, let me say that I have no answer to this dilemma. At the outset of this pandemic, I was all in favor of keeping residents where they were in the facilities--where our people were comfortable, where they have an established day-to-day, where they feel at home, where they were well cared-for. The only exception in my mind was that of a woman who had moved into assisted living with her husband at the end of January, and her husband then died two weeks later. She had not had time to make a good adjustment, and her daughter took her into her home from the beginning of Covid. I felt this was a very good decision. The daughter is very capable, and dedicated, and she has a workable living space for an older person. The other of our clients have stayed in their facilities. At this writing, there are Covid cases at every single facility we have people. We have had six client deaths accredited to Covid. Currently we have 8 whose health is very compromised, not all because of Covid. We have had five people asymptomatic with Covid, but believe me, it is hard to figure who will go down with it, and who will remain standing. There seems to be no rules. The losses has been devastating to us, to say the least. If I had a parent at a facility, I would seriously consider taking them home. That being said, this would be a massive undertaking, and for many families this is not in any way feasible (often that is why their loved ones are in a facility in the first place). As I said at the outset, I have no answer. You have to weigh all the factors, do what you discern is best at any given time, and move forward knowing you did what you could with what you had. I wish you all the best.
Wish that I had the option of getting my mom out of her nursing facility during this pandemic. She is 95, with dementia, broken hip and on hoya lift needing 2 person transfer. Until yesterday she tested negative for covid..now situation is like a runaway train..we have no control and still unable to see her....Something is remiss in these facilities across the country, it is not being properly addressed by the government or media. Family members need to unite seek the T.R.U.T.H.(together rise until they hear) now!
My biggest mistake was to put my wife whom has Lowie body she got the virus and is now dyeing and is in hospice. I will never forgive my self for putting he in the Bristol assisted living. I have been married 54 years and am heart broken. Please don't put your love ones in assisted living homes until the legislate and governors passes laws to protect these poor human being.
We must speak out now and not let more of our wife's, husband's, family member die in these homes .
So sorry for you loss. God gives us memories to bring us comfort in our time of loss. 54 years of memories and remember the memories that bring warmth to your heart and strength to go another day. I agree protecting our loved ones is paramount.
This is a very tough situation for seniors. My physically fit 91 -year- old mother lives in a retirement village in New Zealand. I moved her into our home during lockdown because I was worried about covid transmission in aged care facilities. With 20/20 hindsight she would have felt and done better In her own little unit. Our house does not have flat access and she felt caged and miserable stuck in our house. The retirement village organised supermarket deliveries for all the seniors living there - at our home we struggled to meet the needs of her specialised diet and to get online deliveries. Our lockdown has mostly lifted, she is back home and much happier in her own environment. It is a very difficult time. Big hugs to families in other countries faced with these decisions.
Very, Very tough Situations in my opinion says to leave your parents where they are. Everyone must deal with very dangerous COVID-19 without any vaccine in sight. Contact a Social Professional. Please use internet options for connection to save yours' and your loved ones' health. Yes, It's Tough Love♡♡♡♡, so sorry your parents cannot move until further notice, no exceptions. COVID-19 will attack anyone in it's path!! Health and Safety take Priority. Hope message did not duplicate.
My mom is in a rehabilitation/assisted living after coming out of the hospital for internal bleeding. She has multiple health problems CHF, COPD, and has now mostly lost her ability to walk. That's mostly due to inactivity due to pinched nerves in her back. In any case she was supposed to only be there until she could walk up the steps and come home. Physical therapy did not improve anything for her. Then this virus hit and I wasn't able to go see her anymore. She's been isolated in her room totally by herself day in and day out. She only sees the nurses when they bring her food or meds and do dressing changes for her legs. I decided to move to a downstairs apartment and am currently moving so I can bring her home. She is terribly lonely and doesn't even have another person to laugh with or talk to or watch tv with. The nurses are short staffed and very busy. They have also become stressed and moody towards my mom. I'm getting her out of there as fast as I can. I've been very careful to not be exposed to the covid-19 but cannot be tested. She understands the risks and is willing to take the chance just to come home.
My MIL’s senior living facility is under lockdown and she’s definitely getting cabin fever. Every time my MIL talks about going out etc, we remind her that we are all under government’s order to stay inside, we are all seniors so we are all in the high risk group and we have to follow the government rule. We don’t want to get arrested. That seems to work at least for a day, then she’d forget and then the same conversation all over again.
We all feel trapped to some degree with the COVID-19 pandemic. Your parents were probably placed into assisted living because it was the best way to meet their needs... and it most likely still is.
The the challenge is how to make them feel more connected and less "trapped" while they are experiencing their version of "social distancing" and "safer-at-home" measures. Please do everything you can think of to communicate and have "fun" in their assisted living facility. Window visits, video chats, phone calls and letters can help with communication while you can't do face to face visits. Send them pictures/mini scrapbooks, books, movies, puzzles, crafts to give them fun things to do and something "new" to look forward to.
In time, you will be able to visit them again. They will be able to resume more of their "normal" life. We have to all be patient and do things that are healthy and safe until a vaccine becomes widely available.
Just know IF you take them out you will most likely upon returning them have them put into quarantine for at least 14 additional days and testing. Would that be worth it? Our AL facility will allow us to remove our parents but the repercussions are too costly. Quarantine, testing, disinfecting. Plus all the additional care we would incur. This is truly a no win. I feel they " the government" needs to lighten the restrictions. They cannot stay locked in forever. We are less than 6 months from the beginning of influenza season.... cold weather for some.... no bueno....
I do believe, by law, facilities must do certain things to protect the residents and I also believe most facilities are in lock down mode - doors are locked and no one gets out or goes in. I would NOT allow them out as they are most likely safer there where there is medical help available. What if they pick up something and bring it home or you have something and give it to them? Leave them there.
You are correct generally speaking. In our AL facility we cannot go into the facility nor can the residents leave HOWEVER IF the residents choose to leave the facility then they return to quarantine protocol which is total isolation in their apartment for 14 days and testing and disinfecting. In our facility we do not know of anyone who has "chosen" to leave. Presently the AL facility is not on total isolation. No one can go in or out. They don't have social gatherings ( games or dining) yet however they are allowed to walk through the facility, they have outdoor patio exercise classes ( with social distancing). Meals are brought to their rooms in to-go containers. Facetime with family members is coordinated with the facility.
We get daily emails from the facility stating how many employees were tested. How many employees tested negative/positive. How many residents were tested. How many residents were negative/ positive.
I liked Midkid58's response. I sometimes feel like I need to fix it for my Mother. But really with anyone - a great place to start with in responding is to acknowledge their feelings to let them know you get what they are saying. To understand that what they are feeling is a valid feeling even if you can't fix it.
My question would be ...Is there enough help for them in assisted living? Many nursing homes and assisted living places are having people walk off the job because they can make more money on unemployment then working with the elderly, Which is a sad commentary on how much we pay the people to take care Of our loved ones.
Check on them every day or at least every other day. If you were at least able to look at them through a window, it can give you an indication that their physical needs are being taken care of. I’ve had to do this myself.Don’t let a week or more ago by without checking on them.
I suspect there is a certain amount of money wasted for bureaucratic reasons in NH and AL facilities. Perhaps more of this money could be used to pay the staff. It probably bears some resemblance to America's ridiculously-expensive healthcare system in general.
My dad has struggled terribly with all of this. He is 93 and needed to move to AL last fall. Before all of this started, he continually has asked to move back to his house which has now really ramped up since he is stuck inside. His needs are too great for that and COVID has exasbertated them. He wants things back to what they were and his attitude is that if he moves back home, things will be normal and he can have caregivers take him out and about as always. I have tried to explain to him this is not so. I know he doesn't understand but he is safe and he has his needs met where he is and that's where he needs to be.
Addendum to previous: I would not permit them to leave the AL and come stay with me unless they were swabbed for COVID-19, and found to be negative. The last thing you need is for to them to infect your family.
As others have pointed out, they are in assisted living because their needs are too great to live on their on or with family care.
They will feel "trapped" no matter where they are, with the sheltering-in-place restrictions that are going on everywhere.
Next time you speak with them on the phone, you might inquire as to what makes the feel especially "trapped." What they may be thinking of is a time in the past when they were more "independent" overall, could go golfing, mall-hopping, sight-seeing - or whatever suited their fancy.
None of that is possible right now - no matter if a person lives in their own apartment, in a house, or in assisted living. They may not be fully grasping that reality.
They should both be tested for the virus before they come to stay with you, if that's what you are thinking. I'm not sure who would rent to them, if that's what they are thinking. If they have a home and lot's of money for help, who should all be tested, then sure. Any place they may go could turn into another trap.
My answer won’t be popular but I’d get them out. Plain and simple. Yes it may not be optimum but I’d hope my son would do the same for me. This pandemic is particularly brutal in NHs and ALs. It’s horrible; seniors have every right to be scared. That being said, I would not give up their spot - just get them out for a visit till the state has an all clear notice which hopefully is soon.
Maybe they need more check-ins. Have you looked into some online face to face conversation tools? If they are capable of following a few written instructions ('push the white button, push the red button etc.) maybe you could set something up. Zoom, Skype, Facetime on iPhones are all used for this. When you visit, bring surprises, maybe some easy games etc. Best of luck.
Where do they plan on going? You might want to ask them this question. And talk out the logistics of the plan. Is your dad aware of the full impact of what is happening? They may not grasp the fact that no matter where they go they will feel "trapped"
If he says that they want to come stay with you..explain that that would not be possible and why. Is it possible that your dad is developing some dementia as well and he does not fully understand the why they are "trapped"?
I bet they do! Maybe just acknowledging their 'caged in ' feeling by talking to them would help. Explain that ALL of us are taking precautions and not living our lives to the fullest right now--that you understand.
My mother may be living at home with my brother's family, but she as lonely as she can be. She just wants to get out a couple days a week and play Bingo. I found that simply agreeing with her about how much this all stinks and playing along with her helps.
Shoot, I am going stir crazy and I can get in my car and drive all day long if I want. It's more the overarching knowledge that you're not 'free'. plus, the fear that keeps coming at us in waves--not mentally healthy.
I learned the hard way, we can WANT whatever we want, but in the end, we really have very little control. Esp those who are aging in facilities--they're stuck two ways--even if they wanted, they can't leave--they are in a NH for a reason.
Also, nothing to say that if you pulled them out of their current situation means when things return to our new normal--you probably couldn't get them in the same facility again. You want to deal with that?
Could your brother and his family play Bingo with your mother? There used to be a home version of it (but if there still is, it might be in a store that's not open now, but perhaps you could get it over the internet). This might not be as exciting as the "night out" but your mother might enjoy this.
Aren’t they in assisted living because their needs are too great to live on their on or with family care? There is risk where they are just as there is risk by them being out in the community, as there’s no foolproof plan in this for any of us. What’s the increased risk of other problems by leaving where they are and not having the help they currently receive?
In our case, if family were to remove the person from the Assisted Living for a visit, they don't want them back until they have quarantined for 14 days somewhere. And as you say, their needs are too great for them to live on their own or with family.
We are all trapped in this pandemic in one way or another. Wishing them only the best.
The other of our clients have stayed in their facilities. At this writing, there are Covid cases at every single facility we have people. We have had six client deaths accredited to Covid. Currently we have 8 whose health is very compromised, not all because of Covid. We have had five people asymptomatic with Covid, but believe me, it is hard to figure who will go down with it, and who will remain standing. There seems to be no rules.
The losses has been devastating to us, to say the least.
If I had a parent at a facility, I would seriously consider taking them home. That being said, this would be a massive undertaking, and for many families this is not in any way feasible (often that is why their loved ones are in a facility in the first place).
As I said at the outset, I have no answer. You have to weigh all the factors, do what you discern is best at any given time, and move forward knowing you did what you could with what you had. I wish you all the best.
We must speak out now and not let more of our wife's, husband's, family member die in these homes
.
The the challenge is how to make them feel more connected and less "trapped" while they are experiencing their version of "social distancing" and "safer-at-home" measures. Please do everything you can think of to communicate and have "fun" in their assisted living facility. Window visits, video chats, phone calls and letters can help with communication while you can't do face to face visits. Send them pictures/mini scrapbooks, books, movies, puzzles, crafts to give them fun things to do and something "new" to look forward to.
In time, you will be able to visit them again. They will be able to resume more of their "normal" life. We have to all be patient and do things that are healthy and safe until a vaccine becomes widely available.
We get daily emails from the facility stating how many employees were tested. How many employees tested negative/positive. How many residents were tested. How many residents were negative/ positive.
Check on them every day or at least every other day. If you were at least able to look at them through a window, it can give you an indication that their physical needs are being taken care of. I’ve had to do this myself.Don’t let a week or more ago by without checking on them.
They will feel "trapped" no matter where they are, with the sheltering-in-place restrictions that are going on everywhere.
Next time you speak with them on the phone, you might inquire as to what makes the feel especially "trapped." What they may be thinking of is a time in the past when they were more "independent" overall, could go golfing, mall-hopping, sight-seeing - or whatever suited their fancy.
None of that is possible right now - no matter if a person lives in their own apartment, in a house, or in assisted living. They may not be fully grasping that reality.
Hugs 🤗
You might want to ask them this question. And talk out the logistics of the plan. Is your dad aware of the full impact of what is happening?
They may not grasp the fact that no matter where they go they will feel "trapped"
If he says that they want to come stay with you..explain that that would not be possible and why.
Is it possible that your dad is developing some dementia as well and he does not fully understand the why they are "trapped"?
My mother may be living at home with my brother's family, but she as lonely as she can be. She just wants to get out a couple days a week and play Bingo. I found that simply agreeing with her about how much this all stinks and playing along with her helps.
Shoot, I am going stir crazy and I can get in my car and drive all day long if I want. It's more the overarching knowledge that you're not 'free'. plus, the fear that keeps coming at us in waves--not mentally healthy.
I learned the hard way, we can WANT whatever we want, but in the end, we really have very little control. Esp those who are aging in facilities--they're stuck two ways--even if they wanted, they can't leave--they are in a NH for a reason.
Also, nothing to say that if you pulled them out of their current situation means when things return to our new normal--you probably couldn't get them in the same facility again. You want to deal with that?