I wrote before about my issue. My 89 year old Mom and I just had an argument. They never mentioned or asked me that they were going to rent their apartment for 3 months and stay with us in order to make money. Mom and Dad (91) have rented before and I guess they just assumed it would be ok. I said I know you need to do it, but you never mentioned it to me and asked me if it was ok even though the answer would be yes. My husband and I support them and my brother. My Mom said we don't want to come up to your place during the hurricane because we know that you get nervous when we visit. I told her I get nervous because you end up staying for 4 months when 2 weeks would be a good visit. So she became insulted and hurt and hung up the phone. I tried to smooth things out by saying I would never visit anyone for that length of time and I think you do it because you are bored. The 3 month renting issue is over money but when they stayed for a hurricane it ended up a few weeks then a trip to Europe they came 1 month before departure. She said I love being with you for the 3 months. I responded Oh come on tell the truth - Dad hates Virginia and feels cooped up and you sleep all day and can't go out because it's the winter. Just tell the truth. She said how can you hurt your parents like that. Well then she said I put words in her mouth and hung up. Do I feel guilty for not wanting them for an extended period visiting? How do I apologize or don't I apologize? Thanks

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If you haven't, members need to read her prior postings.

Your situation is so enabling. Your parents support a 60 yr old son so that straps them for money and YOU pay their mortgage. Now they want to rent it so they can have money on a condo YOU pay for. You should be getting the rent money if you pay the Mortgage for that 3 months.

I really see your point, Mom is all nicey nicey when she is trying to get her way.

Tell her not this time. Her and Dad have to live within their means. If brother is a threat, he needs to be removed. Its their fault they allowed it to go as far as it has with him. Whats going to happen when ur parents are gone? I hope u have told ur brother and ur parents that u aren't caring for brother.

Maybe its time for all to sit down and look at finances. It looks like Mom and Dad can't afford where they are. Maybe time to sell the condo and get into a low income retirement community. Its not fair to you to support 3 people who just need to make changes. You need to look at your retirement future.
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Reply to JoAnn29
AlvaDeer Aug 30, 2019
Wow.I had no idea. I agree with you absolutely.
The change starts with how you're viewing things. They don't "need" to do this - they "want" to do this. You have no responsibility in becoming their innkeeper, maid, cook etc. for three months so they can make money to spend on non-essentials (because you have the essentials covered). I'd say they have a large case of chutzpah here asking, and will continue to take and take and expect more. You're not the one who needs to apologize here.
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Reply to Linda22

It is your home and your parents should ask well ahead of time if it is ok to visit and you have the right to limit the visit.

Your parents can afford to go to Europe, if they are doing that because you are letting them stay for free while they rent their condo, you are basically funding their trip.

I cannot imagine anyone staying in my home for more than a week. And it would be because I invited them.
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Reply to Tothill

I find it's rare that family can live with several generations under one roof without there being some anger and frustration, either spoken or shoved under the carpet.

My daughter and her hubby and 2 kids lived with us for 3 months between Med School and residency. It was absolutely awful....we didn't fight, but it was a constant struggle for 'power' and in the end, this is MY home and we were financially helping them so much.....They were messy, unorganized and took advantage of the free babysitting---which was such a mixed blessing, as we knew we wouldn't see our babies every week----

NO WAY WOULD I EVER, EVER house any of our parents.

Your parents sound like classic users----and don't let them. Yes, a visit of a week or possibly two is fine if you all agree beforehand....but 3 months?

Don't let them guilt you into doing this!! My MIL is making 'sounds' about hw=ow hard it is to live alone and have so many worries about her house and car and such...she's 90. My poor SIL is dying inside b/c she knows her mom wants to move in with HER and she already has her daughter and kids living there. She's going to have to be mean and say no and it's already eating at her.

I said NO to that one years and years ago. Whenever DH brings it up--I say "You can certainly have your mom live here, but I won't be here." He knows I mean it.

You have to be tough and mean (it feels like it) but you'll thank yourself.
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Reply to Midkid58
AlvaDeer Aug 30, 2019
AMEN on the two generations, but it's more than that. It's family. And there is so much history packed in so much luggage coming through that door. So much of expectation, failed expectations, old grievance, old memory. So much luggage that one house cannot conceivably handle it for long, even when there is tremendous love. It starts out with wonderful thoughts of we will do this and we will do that and I will cook this and we will see that. And then.................well, we all know.
Your parents are using you to support their lifestyle. You have no obligation to let them stay for extended visits.
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Reply to anonymous901498

Why are you arguing with her and tellling her what she really feels when she says what she feels. Accept that she really DOES love it.
What is important here is that YOU DO NOT LOVE IT.
Please. Just stick with what YOU feel. Tell her that you may be lacking in many ways, but that you do not like visits from ANYONE for more than two weeks. That is what you can provide. You are on for a two week visit. More is out of the question. THEN SHE CAN HANG UP. Because her hanging up now is just to bully you into her getting her way. THIS hangup will at least be for real, because you will have set a boundary, and she won't like that.
She'll get over it. Or not.
The financial situation is NOT your problem. You do not have to fix it for them. You have to fix your own family, your own problems.
And you did put words in her mouth. She is absolutely right. Now use your own words and just tell her "NO. That isn't happening".
Hugs. This will be a fight any way you look at it. And it might just as well be one YOU win, not her.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
maximus1 Aug 31, 2019
Hi AlvaDeer, thank you so much for responding. I just want you to know I do appreciate your comments and they make sense, but I need to tell you a little more history behind this. First of all, I just finished chemotherapy for breast cancer just 2 1/2 months ago, so if my writing is all mixed up it's because I have some chemo-brain which is actually a side effect. I will write to you on Monday and tell you from the beginning what went on our lives. My parents are so wonderful and I know they wouldn't do this but for the fact m;y 60 year old brother screwed up his life. They admit that they were the cause of all of this problems, but they make it sound that "Oh, we love to be in Virginia in the Winter". Just admit that you hate it and that if it wasn't for him you would never visit up here. I will write to you how my brother ruined his and our lives; if you don't mind me doing so. Thanks for listening, Maximus1
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Actually I am sure the parents love being with you to make money and have a break. Your Mom is honest if not perceptive about effect on you. I’m big on direct. I like to be the one to extend invite. Even my brother who thought he could move into my spare room on a temp assignment found that out. No one likes to feel used. Couple options: hey mom great idea. It’s 1/3 of the house expenses while you are here. Appreciate the assist. Or sorry we are regrouting bathroom that month. Or tenting for mites, or painting. You can’t be a doormat if you don’t lie down. Read about Fear Obligation and Guilt. The narcissist weapon of choice. And it takes a narc to decide that your home is theirs for however long for $$ and convenience. And what if they decided to just stay because they need....,boundaries now my friend
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Reply to Guestshopadmin

Your parents are taking advantage of you, it is all there, right in front of you. They have shown you who they are...believe them. No apologies are needed, they use this money to go to Europe...right? What is wrong with this picture?

They will continue this behavior IF you do not stick to your boundaries. Say what you mean.....and mean what you say.
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Reply to DollyMe

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