Parents live in squalor and kids need advice on where to start to, I don't know, make last days better? Cleanlier?

How much more willing are you to orbit around them? 5x more than now? This is an unsustainable arrangement. Of course they like it -- they have their kids to clean up after them. Please note they don't seem to care about the impact it is having on you guys.

You and your siblings should all back away from helping and then report them to APS. Don't clean up that house. Don't give them any money to support the cat (or any other) expense. You are not morally or ethically obligated to exhaust yourselves -- stop lighting yourselves on fire in order to keep them warm.

Their county's social services has options and solutions. Please contact them.

Unfortunately there is not much you can do unless you or another concerned family member are POA for them and the POA is in effect.
In a situation like this the family waits....
and waits....
For some event that will land one or the other, or both in the hospital.
At that point you can tell anyone and everyone that will listen that they are:
Not safe at home
They can not manage their own care
To discharge them to home would be unsafe.

If no one is POA and it is determined that one or the other, or both are not competent to appoint a POA then someone will have to become their Guardian. That could be a family member IF family wishes to take on this role OR the court will appoint a Guardian.

This is a difficult situation and often it does not end well if you have to wait for that catastrophic event that will force action of some type.

You could report the animal situation to the animal welfare association in their town. You don’t have to take any animals and could report it anonymously. They’ll know what to do.

Then see if that kicks off help for your parents from another agency. Stand back, don’t participate, and don’t share what you did with anyone else, even family. You don’t need the hassle.

Call APS to report vulnerable elders living alone with animals and feces in the home. If mother doesn't speak to you again, so be it. Who's willing to stay closed mouthed while her parents are living in such squalor, with dementia a likelihood, and do nothing? Thats not to say you kids should go clean up such filth, or take her animals......you shouldn't....but reporting this unlivable situation to the authorities will get your parents on their radar and hopefully placed in managed care and safe. And the animals cleared out of there and rehomed as well.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.

This is a very unsanitary situation and is harmful to their health. She may very well have toxoplasmosis from the cats.

You need to report them to adult protective services for an evaluation.

Back away. The more you take on ANY responsibility, the more you are likely to be blamed for the state they are in. Cleaning up for them is clearly an endless task and a waste of time. There are no ‘wins’ in this, for you and ‘the kids’, or even for them – they want things the way they are, complete with squalor and 50 cats. Just back away. Call APS, put the responsibility onto ‘the system’. Don't volunteer for anything.

Who cares if your mom never talks to you again if you take her animals away???
You and your siblings should NOT be propping up your parents in this very unhealthy and unsafe environment they call home.
Call Adult Protective Services ASAP and report the very unhealthy living conditions that your parents and the 50 cats are living in. They will come out and do an assessment and things will proceed from there. And guaranteed the majority of the cats will be gone if not all.
Your parents are mentally ill to have allowed this to go on and they need help. So please call APS tomorrow and get the ball rolling.

APS would likely help in getting house condemned as unlivable and unsafe and getting your parents diagnosed and placed if that is your wish. I would not take on POA. That is difficult enough to do for someone cooperative, clean and organized; I KNOW. I would allow the state to intervene here. I doubt there is anything you can do about this and the STATE can. That allow you to remain a daughter, them to get care, and the state to manage it all.

Good luck. Because the other answer is to leave things as they are. Again, you cannot change this. That's not within your power, control or expertise. Not everything can be fixed. Most of us die as we have lived. Unless dementia takes over and the state takes over from there.

Your story is heartbreaking. Your parents need to be removed from this house as this is a health hazard for them. If the city/township finds out that your parents are living in filth and squalor, they are going to do an inspection and they will condemn the home. You need to seek the help of a professional cleaner to come in with hazmat clothing to clean out this home.

Best of luck.

Your parents no longer have a marriage. They are living together separately.

As far as the housekeeping goes, would you work for them? Of course, everyone is going to quit.

Quite frankly, I am surprised that no one has reported them to APS and reported the cats to the animal control department.

It’s really disturbing to read a story like yours. I am terribly sorry that you are witnessing such a heartbreaking situation.

Why don’t you call APS and see if they can do anything about this issue?

This really pains me to write as I am a HUGE animal lover, but those cats need to go to the humane society. This is animal hoarding and it's bad for all involved. The cats will keep breeding producing kittens and feral cat colonies can be huge. This means not only pee and urine but also fleas and worms (cats get tapeworms). The cats most likely are malnourished have breathing issues or more. The kindest thing would to be to report it but do not give your name. You can say you are a concerned neighbor. The cats need to be removed. No one individual can care for 50 cats. This would require a professional team of hundreds to keep the cats spayed/neutered, vaccinated, fed, etc.

I would not try to clean up the mess as this seems like a good case for APS to get involved. Is she a hoarder? This is a mental disorder and she would need to be in a place where she could be supervised at all times. Usually a nursing home or assisted living can give her a one bedroom place with a bathroom and they can keep an eye on living conditions so they cannot hoard. Your father would do best in a retirement home so his basic needs can be met daily. If he cannot make it to the toilet he could use a bedside toilet or wear adult diapers, but it is a lose-lose situation for all if something is not done.

Maybe an enrollment in VA retirement home maybe your answer. He can continue to benefit and at the same time talk about his time with other comrades of his era . That may help . They love that crap . A regular nursing home he can’t mentally associate. He won’t be comfortable. Then you can work on cleaning one side of the home . While he is at a cognitive level, try and get yourself on the deed, and his POA if you aren’t already. Things will decline and it will be harder .

This is sad, sorry you are having to deal with this. I've seen people who live like this in the past and I've known very mean people who don't want help. Please let us know how everthing turns out. Good luck!

So very sorry your parents and you are in this situation.

IMHO it is time to contact both Adult Protective Services (APS) for your parents. A person can call annonmously and say, "they are living in squalor; and it is NOT SAFE, they are a danger to themselves and the animals living there, report feces all over." Feel free to call 911 too if you cannot easily locate your local APS number and explain APS needs to go. Then also call your local "animal control" agency, ASPCA or the local humane society to report again the situation for the animals.

If you do NOT want to step in to pursue "guardianship," your local Circuit Courts can handle that after APS steps in. Sadly, this is a crisis situation that will not get better with any attempts to explain or otherwise reason with them, do not waste your time on that approach. Get the local legal folks involved to intercede moving forward.

If there are others who can call APS and the animal services too -- other family members and/or neighbors -- have them call to.

So sorry the be so direct, but this is not a situation you realistically resolve w/out legal intervention at this point.

Good luck, seeking guardianship or having the State take over is not for the faint of heart but they are NOT safe NOR are those animals safe.

Dad should Be in a Veterans Home .

Good Morning,

You need to step in and make decisions for them whether they like it or not. I, too, agree with another comment about not being surprised that they were not reported to the Dept. of Elderly Affairs, or similar.

When a stroke hits, or early on-set dementia your loved one may thinks "everything is fine" but not really. They are unable to make decisions for themselves.

I would contact a Social Worker, your parents' primary care doc for an assessment. Call a cleaning company and throw everything out and the animals will have to go to home of some sought.

It sounds like they need a SWAT Team to show up on the scene. Keep in mind, you can't let the next dwelling turn into the same scenario. This is unhealthy for all parties involved.

An Elderly Attorney and a Geriatric Neuro Psy doc will come in handy too. Their brain is broken, they can't help it. They need your assistance. Your loved one's need to be protected and from harm for themself and others.

I know its hard but you are not going to get their blessing. May I ask, are you "the one" who does everything for your parents? You mentioned six kids, where are the other five.

Start with a bag of heavy duty trash bags, some cleaning gloves, masks and some large trash cans and start cleaning out. Sell the house, meet with a financial planner and find a place with different tiers where your parents can go to an Assisted Living with services, meals, safety, medications dispensed. Check their banking statements to make sure no scams, etc.

Can you bring them to the ER for an assessment and upon discharge tell them it's an "unsafe discharge" for them to return to their old digs and bring them to a new place in the neighborhood. A place where there is safety rails, a pull cord and security just in case they start to wander.

Contact the primary care doc. Go on the portal and blood work can tell a lot too.
Basically, it sounds like they cannot remain in the present situation. What usually happens is an "emergency" at 2AM and then the decision will be made for them.

If able, hire a geriatric care manager (now called senior life care managers) or get state Medicaid care manager to make recommendations. Also . sounds like you should talk to elder care attorney about your options on what you legally can do! So sorry you have to go through this like so many other people. Is they able to make decisions for themselves there’s very little you can do. Lifecare managers have success in helping to make changes.

Well, if she’s mean, it’s better for her not to speak to you. Not trying to be flippant, but it’s time to call Adult Protective Services. The house sounds like it’s very much unfit to live in.

APS will see the conditions and they will help you get both your parents in facilities that will care for them or if the house can be cleaned, perhaps home care. How ever it’s sounds like home care will be a losing battle of your mother collects cats and runs people off. She may have dementia. They both should see a Dr and hopefully you can accompany them so you know what’s being said.

Go ahead and call APS. It will be brutal at first, but something should be done for your parents own health and safety. APS will probably call Animal Control or at least you can make that request.

Good luck and keep us posted. So many people write in and we never know what’s happened. It really helps others to read success stories or even what didn’t work

Have you also contacted the animal control department. You can remain anonymous

You can make an anonymous complaint to adult services or ask the town to issue a citation.

Dear Kids,

Please call APS. They are not safe. They do not understand any longer that they are not safe. You see the need. I believe that if they are placed, they (or at least one of them, my bet is your dad) will tell you he is ok with living in a nursing home.

My parents were resistant, my mom had dementia and my dad was blind. My sister and I struggled to get them help which my mom was completely against. I think my mom took needing help personal. Anyway last May they both ended up in a nursing home. He had fallen and gone to the emergency room and I happened to be in NY state trying to help them. When I told the nurses that my dad could not be returned home under my mom's care (which the nurses had already discovered), they sent him to a nursing home. She followed 1 week later. She not only could not live alone, she did not want to live alone.

My dad is completely ok with where he is now. I believe he was really scared last year living with my mom. My mom has since diminished. Her dementia has gotten worse. I do not know how they would be functioning now if they had not gone into the nursing home. The nursing home is not perfect, but they are safe. They are warm, they have three meals a day and people around them to look after them. Is this what I thought would happen to them in their later years of life? NO. Is this the best thing for them, YES. Can I sleep at night now, YES.

Please call APS and the police. If your mom has any form of dementia, call the Alzheimers Association and they can send someone out to evaluate her/them. It's free. People care and no one should live like that. So, try to help them, even if they appear to not want your help. Asking questions here is so very helpful, at least it was for me.

I so wish you luck. It is hard getting older and it is hard watching people you love or care for struggle.

It sounds like Father is the main issue here. According to your post, he is unable to care for himself and his dog and they are both incontinent.

Your mother takes care of feral cats and she only has a few cats in the house and they are well cared for. But it sounds like she may have dementia and she has become mean (or is meaner than she used to be).

As others have mentioned APS is the call to make. They should get your Father placed where he can get appropriate care. That will let you take care of the dog.

Either family or APS needs to get Mother assessed medically to see what is going on there. It may not be dementia at all. Other things mimic it.

Then you can figure out what to do with the house. I wish you infinite patience and peace.

Would you be willing to take the dog? She could just think it escaped. Try talking to her about using vet benefits to care for caregiver in home. He has problems with pottying and has dementia from strokes and incontinence. Talk to her about getting him help in home and if that doesn't work, then facility. Sounds like cats are feral that she feeds and are outside. Neighborhood cats. All over. People throw them out when they move and are homeless and their too cheap to fix them. Could contact alley cat allies for feral cat Fixers and n your area. You could tackle 1 problem at a time. If you want nothing to do with them just leave. I emptied and cleaned parents house myself. Depends on what you're willing to do. Dad needs help. If he doesn't allow, get meds from psychiatrist.

Five years ago my friend was in a very similar situation. Her in-laws lived in squalor and filth. One of their sons was a very well-known personality in the area and yet he allowed his parents to live like that. One day, after she visited and saw the floor had collapsed in one area because of so much cat urine rotting the wood, she called APS herself. The house was condemned and they were moved by the state to a more suitable environment. They both died within months. But she never felt guilty for having spoken up, and the bil himself died a few months later. Whether he ever knew she was the one that called is something she'll never know.

kidsneedadvice: Contact APS to report the issue. The house needs to be reported as unlivable/uninhabitable!

Call the police in their town and request a welfare check. (It can be done anonymously.)

That'll get the ball rolling and put them on their radar as at-risk adults. The police/Social Services will likely call their children, but then you'll have the "the law says you have to move/clean up/get rid of cats" (or all of the above) on your side.

If it was up to you, what would you prefer? Your folks to live out their days THEIR way, in their home, with their pets, despite the filth?
Or be forced into a nursing home? Without their pets but be cleaner & have meals provided?

Are your siblings in agreement or disagreement with you?

What are your folks wishes? 'Independance' at all cost?
Or are they ready to accept help or be moved into a nursing home? Have you asked them? Has anyone laid out what their future options look like?

You don't HAVE to do anything. You can allow them to continue to live as they choose.
But, you obviously seem to care about their well being, so as others have said, you can report to Adult Protective Services, or a police welfare check, or whatever social services are available in their community to inspect the conditions they are living in and will force them into a healthier living situation. It takes the burden off of you, to have someone else make the assessment and give guidance as to the options available to your parents.
Whatever you do, DO NOT volunteer to accept them moving in to your home!
They will bring their lifestyle with them!
Social services can help to find a suitable placement or living arrangement.