My parents have the money for in-home care but refuse to pay for it....any help?

Personally, I would keep APS out of it. I would take a trip and see what is what in person, you can't assess this from 1,000 miles away, then take it from there.

If I were you, I'd be very concerned and have to either call Adult Protective Services or the police right away if I could not get decent answers from my parents on the telephone. Why won't they let the nurses in? Is it something the nurses have done? If so, explain to them you will get new nurses out, but that they (your parents) and you NEED the help - if anything - just to see that they are doing okay. Good luck!!

They are in home surveilance camera systems. Its like a nanny cam/grannycam. I have seen them on amazon and there is no monthly fee. If however you get it thru verizon and have them do it all, its $29.99 a month as the commercial says I guess.You can get cameras that are obvious, or not. I used to watch my caretakers from my work computer when I could and one time I saw her fall down the stairs with the caretaker. I got help there before she even called me. Mom was fine, just 3 front stairs but scary because 2 years before that she had a broken hip. Unless you're rich, I would just set it up yourself and not pay a monthly fee like we do.
You can get ones you can watch from elsewhere and also replay certain days and times when you want to see those times. We never look at it anymore unless we hire a new caretaker and after 2-3 times we know what they are like. You'ld be totally amazed how simply wonderful people are so different when you leave! Oh they are fake, lie, sleep, eat your food and tell stories of how much they sang and did this and that, yet didnt! lol As long as they are safe mainly is the reason to watch . Hope this helps.

This sounds similar to my recent situation. My rational father only allowed limited in-home help (light cleaning twice a week). The house was a mess, everything he had to do was an ordeal and difficult. He was the cook and primary caregiver to my mother. We hired people only to have them sent away with him telling them they weren't needed. They have the money but, at 93, he was saving for the future. My only sibling and I live far away and had just accepted that he was going to do things his way. I knew, eventually, something was going to happen to change that and it did. He fell and broke his hip and is now in a rehab facility for at least four weeks. We now have around the clock care at their home for mom and we intend to keep it when he comes home. It took an incident like this to force the issue. Unfortunately, that is what happens many times.

Have you asked your parents why they won't let the nurses in anymore? Will they talk to you about this? You could report your concerns to Adult Protective Services, but there might not be much that APS could do (i.e. they can't force your parents to let the nurses in if they have the legal right to make their own decisions).

Here is the answer I gave to someone else previously in a similar situation (I just copied and pasted):

It really helps to sit down with your loved one and just have a conversation. You might want to make it all about you, and how it would really help you out if he accepted just a little help. "I really worry about you and mom, and I want to make sure you have some time to do the things you enjoy..." "I'm worried you are getting burned out, dad..." "It's okay to get some help with mom. I know you love her and want what's best for her." Maybe during a conversation he'll tell you what are his "road blocks." Seniors are really good at covering up to "save face" and might not want to tell you, but here are some common fears that seniors have which may be the reason behind their resistance to getting some help:

1. Fear of losing independence: Getting some help does not mean they are feeble or less independent. This will actually make it possible for them to remain in their own home longer (you can even cite "scientist's studies have shown that seniors who get some help at home stay home longer")

2. Fear of spending all their money: You could maybe show them the math of getting in-home help now vs. the cost of moving into an assisted living or retirement community. Bonus: they can stay in their own home longer, have more independence and spend less money in the long run!

3. Fear of being abandoned by family: Assure your dad that the intention to get them help is to help them stay home as long as possible, and to give him a break, and that you will not abandon him. Getting more help is the opposite of abandonment!

4. Fear of victimization/abuse from caregiver: A new person in the home may be a threat, and seniors may feel vulnerable or cite "I had a friend once who had a caregiver who stole such and such..." You can find good caregivers through referrals from friends (trustworthy), or have someone, you or a trusted friend, drop by when the caregiver is there to make the senior feel the caregiver is "being checked up on" by someone they trust. You can also increase a feeling of safety by going through a licensed, bonded agency (which in some states require caregivers to pass 2 background checks), or run a background check on your own on a private caregiver.

5. Worry about having to supervise someone: It may help to have a job description written up so the caregiver and senior know exactly what is expected, and what the caregiver will be doing, what hours, days, etc. Also, a checklist can be put together and the senior can sit down with the worker at the beginning or end of the shift and go over it together. This gives the senior more control.

I hope this information might help!

Usually the "reason" is just plain wanting to keep their independence and my mother's generation were very private people. Go and see what they need done.

and we never knew about his meds being toxic till too late cuz he would not even share anything bout his health with us kids...he always sed you all got it ruff enuf.....enuf on your plate, just take care of yourselves! so within your family dynamic..do whatever you can to get as involved as you can!!!

As you can see, the advice you're getting depends very much upon how much you, the adult child, is able to accept your parents' decisions. Call APS, don't call APS, visit often, spy from afar.
Contradictory, because some feel that THEY are ultimately responsible for their parents' well-being and could not live with themselves if they didn't do everything they could to get their parents into a situation that they felt was best. Others feel that their parents, though they might be demented or just crotchety, still are adults and their opinions should be in charge to the degree that it doesn't harm others.
I'm always able to see the grey in any black & white situation, so I think that people should be allowed to decide to take too much or none at all of their medications, live in squalor (if they own the building they live in), refuse treatments, live in their own homes, etc, etc up to the point that they start harming their friends, neighbors and family in the process. You can argue that they will by definition be harming their family by choosing to live that way, but I think they are causing pain, not harm. It may pain me to see the way my father lives, but it only causes harm if I allow him to negatively impact my life and my children's lives by what I choose to do to enable it.

Ladygolf, I had a situation with my grandmother that needed intervention but I could not personally go because it was a six hour round trip away and I had a visually impaired and not well mom that needed me, a FIL that relied on my husband for help because of illness and a four year old. So I called social workers at the hospital, the pastor at her church and others to get a handle on the situation. Everyone said, "well, here is what is going on but you should come down and make the trip." So I weighed my options and deceided that instead of putting five people in a mess for one person, I wasn't going to do it and I stayed put. The outcome? My Grandma continued to play by her own rules and lived her life just like she wanted to all the way to the end. I found out others had addressed the situation with her and she turned a deaf ear. So sometimes you just have to let things be. Good luck and hugs.

It is well worth the time to go and see for yourself if it is paramount to you, in my opinion. Things can be worked out to make it happen. I just would not feel comfortable not knowing for myself.