Parents don't like their ALF and want to move back into a condo. What to do?

Thank you for the update, but Lol

Meeting new people, eventually run out of things to talk about that does not pertain to tv shows and/or the news. Not getting out and about much, "new material" would be in short supply.

So here's an update on my parents. They've been in that facility for almost a year. My father still hates it and my mother follows his lead. He does not like the food. He does not like the people who live or work there. I must say it's a very nice and a fairly new facility. In a very nice neighborhood. With professional and helpful people. Now my father found some facility almost 2 hours North by car and it's going to be double the price. He accused me and my children of not offering help because they're so "uncomfortable" in this facility. I am very angry at him. I understand that it's a hard thing to go through. It's a big change for them to move to ALF. But I also know that they've never been happy living anywhere in their life and now they're projecting this misery on me.

So sorry you are going through this. I think I would be honest and tell them the cold hard truth that they will have to make the adjustments because they are declining and need to be safe. Tell them their situation will not be getting better, it will only get worse because they are old and are at the end of their lives.

Tell them you are unable to provide the help they are going to need and that their demands will increase over time because they are declining. You need to work so that you are not living in a refrigerator box under a bridge when you are their age. While they are important to you, you have other people in your life who matter too.

If they insist on moving out, they will have to handle it all, you won't lift a finger. They are on their own.

It's hard. I had to do this with my mother when I told her she was going to have to stay in the nursing home. Horrible, sad conversation but it all needed to be said.

Do they have a social worker or a therapist that works with the residents? Your dad may feel uncomfortable there because he is unfamiliar with the layout and knew the condo by heart. He may be scared. Maybe if he has someone to talk to it will help him.

I was reading your story and besides it not being my parent I’m almost in identical situation. I have an aunt that I am POA for she had a health issue that I got POA just to help pay her bills and now it’s ended up being a nightmare, she also has a dementia diagnosis That she doesn’t agree with. She wants to go home as well. I’m following your story in hopes that I hear some good advice from others. the level that this takes over your own life is horrible. I’m a Christian and I know we are called to die to self. I just don’t know what that looks like or how to navigate this I’m in a constant state of anxiety. In a nutshell, what we’re being asked to do is to control someone else’s life and I guess none of us really feel confident in navigating this. I try always to look at how would I feel if this were me. Certainly we would all want to go home. But if I could not manage my medicines and I could not care for myself, I think I would want to be where someone could help me and when you look at someone even being in a totally different city and trying manage this with the daily phone calls and frustrations. I cringe when my phone rings and I see that it is her. She will, of course have fixated on something new.

The hard reality is that they will not be 'happy,' content, or appreciative.
The first fact you need to address / realize is that you can NEVER 'convince' them of anything (they will resist and have a 'yes, but' answer for everything. It is a futile, frustrating 'no win' situation. Discuss w the social worker (no convincing) so you understand how you need to be: assertive, clear, focused, boundaries you need to set and stick with them. It is a steep learning curve-it is for the good of all.

It is a very difficult adjustment, both having been in their own home for decades and losing their independence due to aging w brain changes.

The issue here is that YOU need to set limits and boundaries and you haven't done this 'enough.' Until you do, you will continue to be emotionally, physically and psychologically drained - warn out. Coupled with your own health issues, you are not going to be able to continue as you have been - and you need to make some very hard decisions - first changing your thinking, then behavior.

Your parents will not 'like' being 'told' that you are setting limits; that you are making decisions for them (if you are). If they are of sound mind and can move out on their own, that is their decision. You cannot stop them and you do not need to be a part of it.

If, on the other hand, they are in an Assisted Living Facility 'because' they need assistance, and 'if' you have any legal rights to make decisions on their behalf, then how you proceed is up to you to a degree.

You need to part of the mtg w social worker / administrator. They can help - support you / guide the discussion. This is your opportunity to explore / explain:

* This is what I am able / willing to do xxx.
* My health is xxx and I need to xxx (take care of myself) so I am stepping back (what does this mean-be clear).
* I need to re-focus on 'me' ... my health and my family.
* I understand you feel xxx (active listening, compassionate support)
* This situation is hard / challenging for all of us. "We" want you both to be content - and this is a huge adjustment for both of you.

Of course they will be upset and angry. Expect this, and do not take it personally (although that is a hard one).

They are dealing w 'aging' changes and 99.99% of elders needing to make adjustments in living arrangements (resist) do not want to to make any changes. They want what is familiar.

I encourage you to set boundaries w your dad 'driving you nuts' with texts and phone calls. Do not allow him to do this.
- Set limits (one call a day and if an emergency).
- Program your phone so his calls go directly to voice mail.
- Do not give him free range to dump on you - he is accustom to doing this as you've allowed it for however long. Although you ARE now setting some limits/boundaries.
- He sees you as one of his 'life lines,' or foot soldiers ... doing what he needs to get his needs met. This is changing and he will not be a happy camper.

I applaud you for telling him you will not be involved in his decision making to purchase another / new condo.

Obviously, you deserve a full life and need to put your own health needs first. He may not be able to extend compassion to you - for all that you have done for them nor feel compassion for you/r health issues/concerns. He may be too self-absorbed to 'care' - enough to stop asking or expecting you to be there 100% for him / them.

Yes, it is a very difficult adjustment for him losing his eye site and needing to depend on others to be driven now. That is very hard. He will adjust as he needs to - enlist the staff as much as you need to - sounds like they have stepped up a lot to accommodate them.

Lastly, give YOURSELF a lot of CREDIT and a pat on the back for all that you have done and doing. I, an outsider, appreciate you for all that you have done - equalled to feeling that you need to take care of yourself, first. They are in 'good hands.' Step back.

Gena / Touch Matters

My dad (vascular dementia and COPD) had a medical emergency and we had to "force" him into AL with my mom (Alzheimers). He had to go to rehab and while there insisted he was going home. The Dr. agreed that he should go to AL, but also told us that we cannot take away a person's right to choose, even if we know they are making bad choices. My sister and I had to enlist the help of the social worker to convince him to go to AL. Fast forward, he was so angry with us and the verbal abuse we took was almost unbearable. I never visited him alone, I always brought a cousin or a friend with me on visits because he didn't dare act out in front of "outsiders". On the rare occasion that he did start with his verbal abuse, I kissed my mom, told her I love her, told my dad that I was not going to allow him to abuse me and if he wanted to have a rational conversation, to call me and I left. For 3 months, he told us he was going to hire a lawyer and sue us for moving him against his will. My answer always was - OK, here's the phone, call a lawyer. And we told him it's AL, not prison, if he could figure out how to get himself home, then good luck. Of course, he could not figure out any of those things without our help, so in AL he stayed. Unfortunately, he passed after only 3 months (end stage COPD), I don't know if he ever forgave us, but he did admit to his grandson that "it's easier for us here", but he would deny it if he knew his grandson told us about that admission.
My advice is - if your dad wants to move out, then tell him, he's a free man, go ahead, but that you are unavailable to help. I can pretty much guarantee that he won't be able to make it happen without your help, so in AL he will stay. And perhaps bring a friend or outsider with you when you visit. Maybe he's like my dad and won't act up in front of outsiders.
Shortly after my dad passed, my mom was moved into the memory care unit and she still looks for my dad. He's been gone 1.5 years now. We just tell her he's at work and that appeases her. It's very difficult and sad for everyone.

I saw your later post - I'm in the same position as my mom - we moved her to ALF almost two months ago. We sold her condo. Fortunately she's accepted there's no going back. I'm sure if my dad were still alive, he'd be screaming about it.
So similar - she isn't social, doesn't make or want friends, complains about everything - calls the ALF the zoo. She's 95 and I'm done with all of the manipulation and complaining.
I'm letting the ALF folks handle her now and I visit, take her minimal groceries, make sure the bills are paid and I'm dumping the guilt complex into the nearest bin.

If your childhood and later life is like mine, it's been forever scarred by two parents who didn't even love each other and took their frustrations out on you! Just hang in there, do what needs to be done and do not give in to their manipulation.

Best of luck!

2 months is far too early in the move to AL facility to get properly adjusted, even if they wanted to be there. But since your father has needs that cannot be met without assistance, it is NOT prudent for you to help them move out to a condo. Since he sold his condo, he consented to move to the AL facility. Tell your father if he wants to move out, he can do it totally on his own, without any help from you, during or after. Good luck.

Try to push his heart-strings button: tell him YOU feel safer with both of them in a place where they can get help much quicker, can visit with other people, and others would check on them quickly with a single phone call. That you wish you could provide all the care they need, but your role in life is to do what they did at your age - work hard, manage home life and what you are able to do to help both of them. It scared you when they were living in the condo before because you worried about xxx (falls, health problems, etc)

If that doesn't work, just lay it out: You wish you could manage their care in a private home, but working for a living (just as they did) is very tiring. You have to share your non-work hours with children, grandchildren and parents. Having the peace of mind that there are people who could help them immediately should be of as much importance to them as it is to you. Leaving a safe (and very nice) apartment where they have access to care needs makes no sense at this point in their life. He might be right with his reasons to move out - being right just means he doesn't want to be there and that's his opinion. Your opinion is to stay put....Stay for a year and we'll see how health issues are going. AND if they leave, does he know what the going rate is for in-home caregiving???? Check it out and let him know that dollar amount.

You might go there when there will be some activity (especially now with holidays) and take them to the festivities. All of you go out to meet some people and might get them to partake on their own a little.

Block your parents’ calls and texts so they cannot bother you. They require the ALF where you placed them. Contact a social worker or ombudsman to handle their problems since you cannot do it any longer.

I just keep telling my mom she cannot purchase a new place to live and this is the safest option for her. She has been there almost 11 months and now she knows quite a few people and goes to events. She won several prizes at a game last month that she was very proud of. She will miss one tonight because she still has a cold, but I hope when she is better she returns to the group activities. It's important to remember people who want to be miserable want to have company along for the ride. You don't have to be a part of that. You can set boundaries and seek counsel from people who deal with this all the time. For me it was my SIL and a friend who deal with such issues a lot and are doing that well. I visited mom today and she did not mention moving out, but did mention some of the activities. It's the little things that make days brighter even if they won't admit it. I have durable POA, but not guardianship, but have threatened to get guardianship if I have to. If you don't have guardianship you might want to look into it.

Let your father know that you are no longer able to manage their care and if he is unable to work this out on his own and requires someone else to do the work involved, then he is right where he needs to be like it or not.

You don't need to convince your parents of anything.

If being miserable is their default state, let them be miserable. There is probably nothing you can do to change that.

What you can do is protect your own health and well-being with boundaries.
Limit the amount of attention you are giving to this issue. If your father is so bored and in need of attention, he can try meeting people in his new home community to socialize with. I'm sure he is only calling you to have someone to talk to. (Like my dad, who can't spend 10 minutes alone without someone to talk to - even when he's driving. He picks up his phone and starts calling anyone he knows, until someone answers)

Let your father know that you are in no position - that you don't have the time or the energy, or whatever other resources are required to help him move, or to help him assimilate to his new environment. He can find a realtor to help him buy a condo, if that is what he wants to do. He can phone a friend if he needs someone to talk to. He can complain to your mother. She's lived with him this long, I'm sure she's used to it.

Lastly, keep in mind that this is a big change for them, and will take some time to get comfortable with a new situation. Try and have a little more patience and understanding with them while they figure it out, but know your own boundaries and limits, so you don't burn out dealing with their issues.

Stay strong! From one only child to another. You did the right thing! My dad passed away, but he wanted to go home, but realized I couldn't take care of him. I visit my mom daily at her PCH, but she hates living there. It's unfortunate to have Dementia, but we cannot always take care of our parents at their house. When they fall or almost burn down the house, you realize it's best for their own safety to have 24 hour monitoring. I am sorry for your ordeal. Your parents are going to be angry, cry and plead. Just say no.

SeriousinFl: That'll be on them if they desire, plan and EXECUTE leaving the wonderful ALF and purchase a condo as you'll have washed your hands of it.

I hear the complaint frequently from my mother after two years in AL, and I’m sure many on this board do as well. It will never be home, and I fully understand and appreciate that. But it is absolutely necessary in the majority of cases, and they don’t (want to) understand that. We don’t have to discuss how it is also very necessary for the caregiver, who loves them dearly, but is risking their own peace and health in the process. We all need to think we have options, even if we have no intent on doing something. I even wonder, if push came to shove, whether they would have the emotional and intellectual fortitude to go through with it if they could. Most of the AL residents I know are overwhelmed by the vast responsibilities of life. You didn’t say whether your father had the capacity to do all this on his own, or whether he would need your help. If the latter is the case, you could empathize with him but take no action. He might just want to be heard. If he is capable of pulling the trigger himself, it might help to do as I have with my mother and walk through all the details with him, making it clear you work and won’t be able to help at all. There will be the house shopping, the insurances and taxes, the packing, the move, the unpacking, the address changes, hiring help, hiring more help because the first help was awful…you get the point. Hopefully he will too.

Going through this right now with my mom, in AL. She has been there a year. When I picked it out, it met the necessary criteria for her needs at the time, and I had hoped she would like it enough to stay there permanently. She has a one bedroom with a large sitting/dining area and kitchenette and we brought as much furniture from home as we could fit. Five months later, her house was sold. She was in agreement, but very unhappy. She continues to talk about moving "somewhere else", although we know that the same issues will follow her wherever she goes, and indeed new problems might crop up. I have taken the approach of setting a deadline, say "in six months, we can reassess your situation and discuss your options". This has worked, and I am true to my word, we have discussed, but she circles back to the fact that she is now settled in and it really isn't too bad. It also keeps this discussion from happening every time I talk to her, which is almost daily. Time is your best friend in this situation.

Just a story after me and my sister were grown. My parents went in a moving spree. Sold one house and bought another all to keep up with the jones. First went to another house then a country club then a condo then a manufactured home before ending up in an assisted care location. Each one of these moves cost them financially. I guess in the end it was ok because they were just about broke when they passed away. In my opinion each move was a step down in the quality of living. Just a story.

This is simple (to start with) but hard to maintain WITHOUT HELP. I know - from experience - that one person cannot do it all, and shouldn’t have to! You must be straightforward with your parents as to how much you can manage realistically and stick to it.

My aunt refused to leave her home even after she got colon cancer and had to undertake special treatment which required daily care. After sitting for 10 years, she gained so much weight that she could no longer retain caregivers. So a son and his wife, both retired doctors, moved in with her. After a month or so, they could no longer do it either. So they told her she would have to move into a nursing home. She refused, so they walked out. After four days, she changed her mind and asked them to move her into a nursing home where she finally died two weeks later. I say "finally" because she was nearly 100 years old and had lost much of her vision and hearing. She had made the mistake of deciding to live longer instead of accepting death so everyone suffered for 10 years. My husband and I learned from this and agreed not to let the same thing happen to us. It is a selfish act to make your children go through this. So when my husband became ill, he chose death. He was 84.

First, let me say...you did the right thing by putting them in AL. However, many AL's are big con jobs. The salespeople make it sound like it's a cruise ship on land. There are calendars full of things to do, outings, good food, etc. Then after all the trouble and money of moving them in, the residents find that the activities get canceled, the food is bad, it's hard to get a ride to Walmart because the driver is out sick, etc, etc. IF you have the energy, find out if there is a Resident Council and/or a Family Council at the place. If so, have your dad attend. They do have the power to make the place a better place. If they have a Family Council...attend once or twice to see what's going on. If they don't have either Council, you and your dad have the legal power to start one and help make the AL place a better place. It could give him a sense of purpose to get involved.

Stay strong! You did the right thing. My Mom did the same thing, and I took her out. Big mistake on my part. She has been a big struggle ever since.

Your parents are getting the help they need.

If you dad can do all of those things on his own … great! “have at it dad. Let me know what you find for your new condo. And how you hire the movers .. and hire the helper … all of it.” You are not their assistant. You are not obligated to jump at their every whim … just like you wouldn’t jump at the every whim of your children.

(Grandchildren are a different matter - they are the boss we are all too happy to jump up and serve, aren’t they?!).

Your dad thinks he’ll wear you down, clearly - or he would have moved on to a new plan already.

It has only been 2 months? That’s not enough time to have settled in.

One idea is that you decide how often you’re willing to take these calls. Is it 2 times a week you’ll come by and have a meal with them in their cafeteria? Or do an activity / attend whatever the weekly social is over there? If you are able to drag them out to an event or activity or meal … they may get to talking to somebody else (you can start the conversation - engaging another resident. The other residents are my parents place are all too happy to talk to me, the young person in the room. I pour on the positivity. “I love listening to live music” (or whatever comment is appropriate for whats going on). “I can’t tell you how nice it is to have somebody else have cooked the meal - and decided what to make.” It’s exhausting pouring all this out of myself, but it’s all I can do.

“isn’t the Christmas tree they’ve put up in the lobby beautiful? So much work putting up a big tree like that. And then taking it down and storing everything. We are pretty lucky somebody else makes that happen for us. Should I bring in one of my childhood ornaments we can sneak on a branch somewhere?”

whatever you decide regarding how often works for you to visit or talk … stick to it. None of this is your job. You can’t make miserable people happy … no matter what you do. Show up, spread some sunshine (NOT EASY) and leave until the next time.

I am in a similar situation. My mom is in an ALF. Hates it and wants to return to her apartment. I agree with the other posters who said “Do Nothing”. It’s very difficult to do, and the demands will keep coming. You need to stop all of it for your own sanity.

Tell Dad that you will not be able to assist with a move or anything afterwards , as you have your own health problems . Then tell him you will not discuss it anymore. Start ignoring the texts regarding moving out . Let phone calls go to message . Speak when it’s convenient for you , refuse to discuss it and say you have to hang up ( or leave ) .

Dear friends, thank you for all your advice suggestions, comments. Truly is a tough road, for my parents and for our entire family. Your encouragement means the world to me, we are like colleagues performing the same role. Caregiving is not a new phenomenon, children have been taking care of parents for eons,  in other countries, it is cultural.  Unfortunately we do not live in a society where kids have conditions or resources to take care of their parents with various chronic and age related ailments, dementia and Alzheimer's. And our generation is not far behind.

I took action, some of your advice is excellent. I am hoping for the best but not very optimistic. I looked up the gray rock method I actually started using some of the principles this method offers. I do feel tons of guilt over sticking to my guns, it's hard. I don't intend to give up though.

Agree with Alva......If Dad wants to move out and hire full time caregivers for Mom then Dad does everything.

We had an only child in our neighborhood, a guy. His parents were dairy farmers in Iowa. He moved them down to an apartment and got them a golf cart so they could ride to the grocery store.

In their high 90's he moved them to the nicest AL around. Neither liked the AL. They mostly didn't like the food as they were used to a lot of butter and cream on everything being dairy farmers.

At this point they were both legally blind.

The couple (around 100 years old at this point) ending up renting an apartment and moving to an apartment.

I'd back way off and understand sometimes seniors are going to do what they are going to do.

Straight answer? Too bad, so sad, Mom and Dad. Don't answer the calls. Don't do what they demand, and if you do something, you do it on your own time. Stand TALL.

There is no way to convince them because they know best. But you can not enable. Do not assist in any way. Treat the demands from your parents as you would a child, Ignore and divert the conversaion, leave if needed. Do not give in to the demands. A lot of times you need to use the Grey Rock Methods when your senior parents are trying to coherse their child. Look it up and practice the strategies. It truly works.

The only way to become entangled in the situation is if you allow it. Empowerment is essential in this situation