Demented parents (77 and 74) banned me from visiting them yesterday?

Wow, both parents have dementia and they are only in their 70s? Have they truly been diagnosed with dementia or is this just your belief because of family dysfunction? Either way you need to learn to set reasonable boundaries around what you can and can't do for them, you may have to deal with this for another 20 years.

They both have dementia and live alone? Are they getting any caregiving our housekeeping services? This does not sound like a safe situation to me.

I know the feeling of not being able to work well because of the upset. People with vascular dementia can have quite an imagination and quite a temper. The only recommendation I have is a combination of what others said. When they're in a foul mood, just excuse yourself and walk away from it. There is no way that you are going to win an argument. I have learned that first hand. Remind yourself that it isn't you that is the problem. It is them and what has happened inside their brain. (I don't know how it was before the stroke.) Then go somewhere and let yourself cool down. Sometimes they will come to their senses later, so may give you a call.

I don't envy you. I know what you're going through and know it isn't easy. If you feel unmotivated when it comes to work, just make yourself do it, anyway. It is not personal what they do, though they think that it is. The brain is just not working right anymore.

I try to tell myself that when I walk away. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it takes a bit more to get rid of the anger. I'm lucky this evening. My mother is angry at my next-door neighbors, so her wrath is not turned toward me. I don't know why vascular dementia tends to bring out the anger in people. Wish it would bring out the nice in them.

One thing you really need to be remember it is the "dementia" doing the talking, not your parents. Their brains are no longer wired correctly thus they will say the darnedest things and come up with the strangest theories.

At the moment they are making these remarks it can be very uncomfortable for you, but weeks later you can look back and try to find some humor in what was being said, such as your Dad accusing you of stealing his Internet.... yeah, right.

Next time something like this starts up, just look at your watch and say you just remembered an appointment you had to go to and leave the house quickly.... even if they are yelling at you while you do out the door. That way, you feel more like YOU had the control. And try not to let it bother you, I know it won't be easy, but as time goes on, it will be easier.

It is very hard not to take it personally. No matter how I try to reassure myself, I usually end up feeling at fault and that I'm a bad person. Don't ask me why I feel that way. I guess we are still that little child inside that feels like if Mom or Dad is mad, then we must have done something wrong.

Hi Going Loco,
I'm going through the same thing with my mom in the dementia unit. She's mean, nasty, vindictive, accusatory and rude. I've put up with it for months and can't take it anymore. I'm bummed out the rest of the day after our visit. I'm still able to work but, come Sunday after church (our visit time), I start getting anxious, 'cause I know what's coming.

I started a question about this (Should I leave or stay?) on this forum and all 7 respondents say to either leave early, visit only twice a month (instead of every week) or don't visit at all! Everyone says I need to keep my sanity and don't need to be subjected to her wrath. I'd say the same for you too.
Can they take care of themselves? Or do they depend on you for errands, chores and house responsibilities? If you are the "glue" that holds their lives together, then that's not really going to work if you 'have' to be there. If they can still manage their lives, then, by all means, take a break and stay away. You can't change or "fix" them. You can only protect and nurture yourself. If you have any mental health insurance take advantage of it. It often helps to get a different perspective when talking things out with a professional.
I had started to type, "Please don't take what they say personally", but that's exactly what I CAN'T do. It just hits home, no matter how much you rationalize that it's their disease talking. In my case it's best to stay away for MY mental health.
You will learn not to argue or talk back or try to change ideas. It does not work.
The Alzheimer's Assoc. website has a lot of good information on it.
Good luck. We're all in the same boat.

Goingloco,
I'm impressed that you are seeking help for yourself. Getting medical care, therapy, etc. is so beneficial. Plus, getting support here is a great idea too! I hope you can find some peace. Keep in mind the dementia makes already difficult people more difficult, in the early and mid stages.

It seems you have a pretty good picture of what it is going on with your parents. Sadly, we can't always fix some problems. And sometimes we are not equipped to address it by ourselves. I think I might strive to handle my needs so that I could stay physically and mentally healthy and let others help my parents.

As their dementia progresses, they will likely need intervention into their lives as they will likely lose the ability to run their household, care for their physical needs and protect their finances. I would locate the proper agencies that investigate, intervene and oversee such situations and alert them at the proper time. It sounds like they are not prone to accept help from you.

I would keep in mind that with vascular dementia, the patient may change over time and eventually does not resist, fight or attack. My cousin stopped being impossible to be around as her vascular dementia progressed. She is now quite pleasant, grateful for all things and hardly says much at all, except how much she loves me.

I wish you all the best.

Is there a doctor/family friend/clergy who can intercede? Other than that, I would agree to simply get yourself some type of support, perhaps through a support group in your area.

goingloco--

My 86 yo mother WITHOUT dementia, kicked me out of her life last year--just before the holidays. It hurts, esp. when you haven't DONE anything to cause it! I wish I could blame mother's behavior on dementia, but I can't.

In a therapy session, my therapist said "I want to know that you can Just. Quit." Meaning, quit talking to her if she doesn't want me around, quit letting her get under my skin, etc. It was a simple question, but, wow, she was right. It was hard, but I have indeed Just. Quit.

I feel for you--both parents, guilt, no doubt, but if they aren't going to be able to be decent to you--perhaps you too, need to Just. Quit. Maybe just for a while, maybe forever. I'm sure when mother gets really bad she'll want me back, and I will go, but I will go and be very self-preserving. She made my holidays miserable, well, I allowed her to, she didn't care. I can only help how I feel, I cannot change her.

Best of luck to you. Try call-screening and don't talk to them. It it's truly important, they'll let you know. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Goingloco, how is it going?