Should parent with dementia be told that spouse has died?

My mother is 83 w/increasing dementia, and her husband died over 4 years ago, when she still had her faculties. However, I've wondered how to handle telling her when her 91 year old sister eventually dies. If your father is at the point where he doesn't know that his wife is no longer alive, and seems to get upset each time you tell him, then I'd be inclined to tell him something as non-commital as possible. If he asks where she is, you could say "she's running late...", "she'll be here later on....", and then hope that other distractions will take his mind off the current subject. It seems kinder to me, to do that, rather than give him heartbreaking news each time.

Different views on this, but mine is distraction with my mother. She now is in the home that my dad died in. She knows this sometimes in some way, she does not know exactly the details but says she thinks he used to come up to where she is to visit someone, she is not sure of the details. I do not correct her I just move on to another topic. She always asks me what dad is doing at home when I call her, I just tell her resting. I see no point in making her upset again and again. Her sister is dying, I told her once a while back thinking she had the right to be told once, she did not remember and does not remember that she is dying now. So, I say nothing. Someone in the home told my mother that her husband was dead, I got pretty annoyed, of course they told me they didn't know who said this to her, but the point is she was a basket case for a whole day and had to be medicated to calm her down. I think it is kindest to just go along, distraction, there is nothing she can do about it, won't remember it, will be upset in short-term. So, I carry the burden and let her be.

My heart breaks for your dad, MomsPOA, having to keep reliving your mother's passing. I agree with Madea & looloo that distraction and changing the subject is the best for him... and you. Best wishes.

My mother died in 2011. I often will visit her sister who is in a nursing home. She will always ask where my mother is and I always reply. She has a cold and she didn't want to come in and get everyone sick. This always appeases her. I had another situation when my mother was a live and demented. My brother was near death. I called my mother's Geriatrician. Her reply to me was my mother had a right to day good bye to her son. She told me to give my mother a dose of 0.5 of Ativan. We waited a few days and my brother got better so we didn't have to tell her. It all dependents in the situation.

I learned that it's wise to avoid that subject. "Resting" is the best word one can say as an answer. Delirium will cause unnecessary progression of disease. Dementia residents need comfort and peace. Any upsetting thoughts and feelings will bring trouble.

Why don't you just say the parent is home ill with a cold? Make up an excuse or use the same one since your father cannot remember.

Forcing people with dementia or Alzheimer's to live in this world is cruel. Why tell your dad over and over that his wife is dead. Every time you tell him he experiences the death for the first time. I'm with the others who suggested that you tell him she's home with a cold or she had some things to do. There's no reason to keep telling him over and over. It's very hurtful.

I love all the answers. As usual, I've got something to say. It's the goldfish analogy. I find the short-term memory of Dementia like a goldfish. Once around the bowl and it's a new day. So I take my clients "once around the bowl". To the "Where's mom?" question I reply "You're looking for your mom. I can tell you love your mom. I can sure appreciate that; I'm a mom myself. What's your favorite thing about her?" and as they talk, I take a hand or arm and we start to walk. I chime in with - "Hey. I feel like a cup of tea. Let's go share one - what do you say?" And that completes the trip around the bowl.

Love the bowl analogy or I think of it as the 'rabbit hole", rabbit can run and disappear and up running again. Out of sight out of mind. I think deflection is the best way to handle deaths in general. At this point if she thinks of deceased one as alive. I just say they are doing great and they said hi! I so dislike when families try to have their loved ones remember the year they died and tell them "don't you remember?", telling them they went to heaven (which does always work, one lady got worked up and said the person should have went to hell, must admit that was a funny awkward moment) it is upsetting to try to elude to dates or years and when the visit is over they are left puzzled. I have been there on many occassions where they are left talking about it to themselves, caregivers, or to any one who listens and go into a depression because they grieve all over again. If they insist the deceased person is alive just go with it and change the subject to some pleasant place. I do and it works every time for the people in my mother's home.

If a spouse has recently died they have the right to say good bye. I had this issue with my brother. I called my mother's Geritrician who told me this. She also added at the time she would of given my mother Ativan to decrease the agitation. By brother got better after a couple of days. I have an aunt my mother's sister who lives in assisted living. Her husband died shortly after my mother in 2011. She attended my mother's funeral in July and her husbands in September. There are times she will remember he died and times she thinks he is alive and she is told one of her children are with him. This makes her happy. I will visit and she will ask me where is my mother. White lies are ok. I always tell her my mother has a cold and didn't want to make you sick. She is ok with this answer. The best think is not to agitate them. You may want to honestly tell the truth. It is not necessary for them to live the pain over again. A gentle approach is always best. Dementia they won't remember and to decrease there anxiety should be the goal. I took care of my mother for 12 years and I would do it again. A good geriatrician old person doctor could help by cleaning up her medication and can help with medication for behaviors. Regular MD do not know how to treat an older person. I can say this I worked in a geriatric facility for 32 years and I have seen how patients have been medicated it is a disgrace. Sometimes slowly cleaning up there medication slowly. You sometimes see a different person. Good luck!