Has anyone put their parent into assisted living even though they didn’t want to go, and then they never adjusted and just declined?

Didgens, people with alzheimer's/dementia will decline. That is the nature of the disease. Some people never adjust to a move that they didn't want - they decline (my grandmother fell and broke her hip and had to go to NH, died with 8 weeks raving with rapid onset full blown dementia). Some people adjust fine to assisted living (my husband's grandmother loved it - activities, food, etc-lived AL then NH side for 15 years) but she eventually declined, too. The rate of decline will vary. How unhappy they are will vary. But at this point of needing care, we have to be the adults. My husband has his head in the sand about his mother's care. She is in late stage Parkinson's and is homebound. His late stage COPD father is providing 24 hour care with minimal PT,OT, home health visits. Husband and FIL keep saying they are worried a move to facility will cause MIL to decline if she doesn't want it. Guess what? The move is needed because she IS declining. In home care will not be sustainable long term but it will take a crisis to change the situation. Please don't let your fears of a more rapid decline mean that you and your parent don't get them the care they need without you being completely burnt out in the process.

your statements

"Husband and FIL keep saying they are worried a move to facility will cause MIL to decline if she doesn't want it. Guess what? The move is needed because she IS declining"

really hit the nail on the head ,,, he is declining ,, we are going to add more caregiver hours ,, but so much is needed in the house now air conditioning,, ramps new shower,, the costs to make the house safer don't make sense when AL IS safer and healthier for him

I suppose it depends on the level of the dementia, but, when it's significant, the priorities may have to become safety and health. The dementia may cloud the judgment and understanding and you may not be able to make a person who has dementia happy. Even with heroic efforts of keeping them at home, they may not even realize that they are in their home. Dementia patients often repeatedly ask to go home, no matter where they are living. I'd read a lot about how making a person with dementia happy, may not be possible.And they may decline, regardless of where they are living.  There are many factors to consider.  My LO improved in Memory Care.  She looked happier and healthier after being there for 6 months, than she had in years.  Of course, she had no idea where she was. 

I think the sooner they are moved the easier for them to adjust. If you wait to late it may be harder. Or if you wait to late, it may be memory care not AL that is needed. Also for your own mental health to say nothing of your home being remodeled. The socialization offered, activities and care when required by the resident is very important to their mental and physical well being. If you haven't done so already, go and visit some places where you live during the day and close to meal time. Often they will let you have lunch on them so you can try the food. See how the staff treats the residents and how it actually can be a nice place to live.

When you move your Dad there will be an adjustment period. May be days or weeks. Mom's social worker at the Nursing home after the first few days that it might help if I didn't visit so much until Mom settled into the routine. Rather than visit twice a day I visited once a week. Mom did finally adjust but it took a few weeks then sister and I visited often but never on a set schedule. That way no one never really knew when we might pop in and we had a better idea what was going on at any given time.

I had to plan on moving Mom into I nursing home. I knew she did not want this, but it was for safety. So, I chose 3 nursing homes I thought would work. I took her to each one, and we took a little tour. I told her SHE should choose the one she where she wanted to live. And she did. What sold her was the one that had a little ice cream parlor, where the residents had a "social" a few afternoons a week.

Gratefulmouse's story (a common arc on this forum) is the counterpoint to Smithsilver's "keep them at home as long as possible." It's a puzzle with no easy answer.

Frequently, keeping the elder at home compromises the physical and mental health of his/her immediate family.

Some say that extreme family caregiving sends a good message to the younger generations in that family.

Others say that 5 to 15 years of not being able to help kids/grandkids with homework, attend their sporting events, etc -- because of overseeing an elder -- is an unacceptable trade-off.

"Quality of life" is valid for everyone. Not just the oldest person in the mix.

It's one of the hardest decisions a family needs to make. Sometimes the decision needs to be made again and again -- as the elders needs change. Or the caregivers' resources and physical/mental limitations fluctuate.

A tough journey for everyone.

i was dealing with the same kind of home repair remodel issues you are and my husband's doctor said if we were going to make a move, sooner was better than later. It took almost a year, but my husband has adjusted.

Yes, they get very depressed in nursing homes. They feel like they're being lonely and left out. It happened to my mom and died after 9 months after she went in the facility  Depression increased their dementia.

Part 2. Without writing a whole book on this matter already written about in AgingCare: Mother was injured by the facility. I was nursing her back to health in IL. She was forced into Personal Care by a scam documented by a Dr. in the Emergency room. She stated that there was no reason Mother could not go back to IL.
The Nurses in Personal Care were not advised that she could not get in or out of her wheel chair or walk around in her PC unit. She had several bad falls. She was injured time again to the point she had no balance and was confused. I was not permitted with her overnights. We had Nurses Aids stay with her 8 hrs a night for several months. I stayed with her 16 hours a day. They were a mess. It was worse than I thought. They were not giving her Glaucoma meds as directed. She suffered from "Charles Bonnet Syndrom," Her eyesight went to severe with visual hallucinations, I witnessed the wrong eye med being given in the AM.. I complained about that and the dining room staff attitude and food, the maintenance man being inappropriate (sexual harassment -- Mother had nightmares of a man hiding in her closet), the Nurses made up lies to me regarding when constipation meds were given, I was banned from the Caregiver Support meeting when I spilled out what all was going on, etc. My hours were cut to 10 am to 2 pm 5 days a week. My Mother was very unhappy there and that I could not be with her. My son took over as many hours as he could. We found a place with a better reputation in Assisted Living and got her moved with my brother on our side. THE POINT IS: LISTEN TO YOU LOVED ONE. IF YOU THINK THEY DO NOT KNOW WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT -- PERSONALLY INVESTIGATE. I GO A STEP FURTHER. LOVED ONES SHOULD NOT BE FALLING, BREAKING A SHOULDER OR HIP AND PREMATURELY DYING IN A FACILITY OR A HOME. A LO'S FAMILY HAS THE OPPORTUNITY TO STEP UP AND GIVE ROUND THE CLOCK COMPANY TO THEIR LO. BLESSINGS.