How did your parent react when you have to put him/her in a residential facility?

That's good. Staying positive is a plus. That's the only thing we can do at times.

Sunnygirl ~ Yes, there will be an idependant assessment of her needs at the facilities we are looking at ~ Yes, her doctor is a leading specialist in neurology/ dementia. I think I am at the end of my care giving rope at this point. I am trying to stay positive.

Ksordh ~ I am experiencing the same baiting. My mother is telling me that she will be so much happier when she is out of this house and asked me If I'll be relieved when she is gone that I dont have to care for her anymore. I don't take the bait as she then uses what I say to take another dig. I just keep responding with a positive nature and state that Im certain this will move will be much better for her and her care.

Chess, that's what some people told me about my cousin. I had some health care professionals tell me my cousin was lazy and selfish. They were wrong. She had brain damage. It was soon apparent as her cognition declined. I hope that's not the case with your mom. Does her doctor focus on dementia in his practice? It's good to keep him updated on her behavior.  I hope she does well in her transition.

I wish you and your mom all the best. I'd still ask for an independent assessment on her level of needs.  

I will be doing this within the next week and a half with my mom. She asked to move to a facility after a bout with a UTI in which she went into full blown dementia. After coming out of it she is suspicious of us "drugging her" and says she does not want to be a burden to us anymore i.e. "escaping our treatment". I feel she wants her independence back and thinks this is how she will get it. She is going into an AL Memory Care Neighborhood. It may prove to be everything she needs but I think she has a shock coming so I am trying to prepare myself for the aftermath. She excitedly told her two grandsons' families about her decision this past weekend and they now know it is the best thing after finally revealing to them what has gone on in the past. I'm not sure how often I will visit at first but I suspect we will be going to help her decorate when her gifted granddaughter-in-law comes to help her. My husband's office where I work 3 days per week is 2 blocks from the facility so I expect one of us will be running by to check on her.

She keeps commenting "Won't you be glad when you don't have to do x anymore?". I'm not sure how to comment because even though I will be glad she will be cared for it feels like she is baiting me into a testing of some kind due to her narcissistic nature. Any advice for this?
I will repost how the adjustment is going for those yet to do this for their LO.

Sunnygirl ~ thank you. I have spoken with my mothers neurologist about this ~ she is mildly (to low end moderately) impaired and he feels these are more behavioral issues than the dementia. She should still be able to handle the activities of daily living herself. She likes to be waited on and coddled. Even considering that, we are looking at ALF and ALF with MC on the same campus. She now states (pretty much daily) that she doesn't want to live where she is not wanted or is a burden ~ I will no longer engage in these conversations and change the subject. I just now convey a positive attitude about the upcoming change and that I'm certain it will be a very good move for her and she will be much happier and content.

Chess, I hope you can find a good fit for your mom. I noticed on your profile that your mother has dementia. And you state in your post that she doesn't like to be told what to do, resist hygiene care, has temper issues,etc. Have you discussed this with her doctor?With dementia, most patients aren't capable of listening to medical advice and following it. They just aren't capable. I ask, because I'd really take these things into account when trying to find a good fit for her.

When I first placed my cousin, I didn't realize that some of those traits would make her a poor candidate for a regular AL. Due to her resistance to care, confusion, not wanting to listen to the staff, she didn't fare so well in a regular AL. The staff is not inclined to tolerate that behavior anymore than you and your husband. If she acts out, they often will call you to come and deal with it. I'd work on getting an assessment and explore your options. Memory Care staff are trained to manage the kind of behavior that my cousin had. Instead of the staff calling me multiple times per day to come and address my cousin's behavior, the MC staff handled it with no problems. There was a huge difference.

I am in the process of looking at various ALF's for my mother who has been living with my husband and I for the past 9 months ( I have been caring for her for the past 3 years since my dad passed ~ she was in an apartment and I was doing the drive back and forth.) She does not like to be told what needs to be done; for example her doctors have told her she needs to move more and bath/shower regularly. Since I've been trying to enforce this we have had issues; temper tantrums ~ voices raised and lots of door slamming. When my husband yelled back that "we don't slam doors here" (yup, he lost it and knows he shouldnt have yelled). She stated that she was leaving and felt she was not treated well here....this gave me what I needed to not feel guilty and start he placement process. I pray I can get through this portion of it...the search, the packing , the move and her transition. I am hoping I have it in me to visit her....obviously, I have a strained relationship with her...praying for peace

Away from her, 2006 Canadian film.

There was a movie made over this topic-a man not visiting his wife with Alzheimers for a month, or more? I think it was called 'Away from me".

PS
I understand that sometimes the adjustment is more difficult if the person is further along in the disease

In our case, mom is very dependent on me and it was gut wrenching to leave her there and I cried for days after

In her facility the residents don't have access to phones and some are so upset and want to call a loved one - this really bothered me for a long time as put yourself in their place - you're lost scared and can't call anyone for help, but of course that call is only a temporary fix as its forgotten immediately

The other thing that really bothered me is the lies staff tells the residents - oh your loved one will be here at 10 in the morning to have breakfast with you or they'll be her soon go wait in your room

But now I chime right in with the chorus- a new resident was having a horrible time over the holidays looking for her daughter- she cried and wouldn't sit still so I tried to comfort her on New Year's Eve - she was convinced she had taken her mom to the hospital the day before so without hesitation I said the hospital called an hour ago and mom is doing fine she's asleep and they don't want you driving in the rain tonight to come see her - she was so relieved- for about a minute

So my mom is atypical- knows a lot can read do math can draw a map to get home and such but she thinks we still live together and spends a lot of time asking where I am - I try to tell her she's in a care facility because she fell and hurt her head - she cried when she realized she wasn't going home so I try to change the subject now - 3-to 4x a week I tuck her in at night and we say our prayers together - at the end I say God bless mom and she says God bless Madge

The only time I stayed away for 10 days was when I was sick in bed with the flu -

I think it depends on how well your mum adapts. The suggestion of two weeks no visiting is based in what often works best for the patient in terms of the settling in. After all, the facility is their new home. One size will never fit all, so if the patient is agitated after visits and begs to go home with family, it is probably best for everyone that family stay away for a while. If the patient adapts well, there is no reason not to visit. My experience with mother was that she adapted well, but, as I live at a distance, I am not able to be there often anyway, I keep in touch with the staff there, and when I do visit, I come unannounced, and am always pleased with the care she is getting as is she.

Thank you, everyone for your input. It gave me a lot to think about--I particularly liked the idea of limited time visits and I will talk to the administrator of the facility. I have heard pros and cons from a few of my friends who had to do this, but it was also helpful to read some of the thoughts you shared as well. I do feel this is a caring staff and the administrator and I have had several face to face meetings, and she and the site administrator came by and met with my mom. I even spoke to a Social Worker and she concurred that there have been other facilities she knew of who also asked family to stay away for a period of time. But I also agree that one size doesn't necessarily fit all, and maybe time limited visits with one family member might be an approach to take.

Your question is so timely for me as I am going through the realization that my 93 yr old mother is needing more than I can manage after 10 yrs. I have heard the 2 wks then come visit rule but not sure I can do that. I like knowing that I can drop in at anytime just to keep things on an "I'm on top of this" kind of relationship with who is caring for her. I don't have to spend the day. Maybe just bring her a sweet treat and check in for a very short visit.

There is absolutely no way I would have done that to my Mom. To me, that would be like dropping your child off at kindergarten and leaving them there for two weeks. I know some people hate the toddler/senior comparison but I use that cause they are both helpless states of being where you are counting on others to protect and nurture you.

I can't imagine an MC requiring family to delay visits for 2 weeks to allow for acclimation. It's likely a suggestion, based on their experience and training. You can follow your instinct. I suspect that sometimes caregivers are very involved in every minutia of the loved one's care and they find it difficult to relinquish control. I would encourage putting the patient first.

I understand why they may well want 2 weeks with no visits but they should NEVER make this a carte blanche policy. Every service user IS UNIQUE and deserves to be treated as such. My mother would be appalling if she didnt see anyone she knew for 2 weeks. I have to say she would be appalling full stop but more so if she actually realised that the facility was preventing access. If after a few days there is a visible trend of adverse change in behaviour following visits then OK discuss with the family.

Until you prove to me that my mother is better without any visitors then sorry she ain't going in that type of care home. What if they feed her in an order she doesn't like, what if they don't understand that she PREFERS sleep with her slippers on, what if they don't realise the significance of her cuddly toy. These are tiny tiny things to a lot of people but to my mother it is the difference between night and day almost, and it is these things that the HOME has to adjust to - it is NOT for the service user to adjust to THEM. Care homes that don't recognise person centred care and individuality of their service users don't meet the standard FOR ME. Others may disagree (and you can because it wont change my thinking) but I expect better.

It is not for the convenience of the facility. It is for the wellbeing of the resident. Even saw in my mom that after she would have lunch with L, she would start yelling and screaming, hitting people, you name it. Whether it was due to the separation, probably. But, Their job is to determine what will make mom most comfortable. If it is restricting visits, so be it. When mom gets agitated, she is a danger to herself and others, including the staff.

I agree that good facilities welcome input from family members. Balanced against that you need to use your common sense. Be careful not to get in the way, undermine routine or add to your loved one's confusion - but it shouldn't be necessary for you to vanish for a full fortnight to do that. Tell the administrator that you appreciate the purpose of what she's suggesting and will be supportive of helping your mother to settle, but will still expect to see her - I also agree that assisting at mealtimes is a good way to do that, especially helpful if you can break the ice for your mother with other residents, and get them chatting.

Send I 100% support your answer there. I don't give a damn what the care home says. IT IS MY ROLE TO MONITOR MY MOTHER'S WELFARE. It is also my role as POA to ensure that she gets the service that I am paying for out of her bank account.

The best care home I ever saw had a policy of short visits for the first two weeks and they suggested joining them for afternoon tea or breakfast - about a 30 minute stop. That meant that the relative knew they had not been dumped (if they had capacity to know of course). Their afternoon teas were for the entire local community, the churches were invited - ALL OF THEM - the ladies guilds were invited as were chess clubs and bowls clubs it was a really big affair that had grown over the years. In a home with only 20 residents afternoon teas could have 60 people there - and it was a positively joyous experience. About 2 years later it all stopped when a new manager took over. Staff became disillusioned and left and the quality of care went with them sadly. And lets face it it is the quality of the care that your LO receives that you are checking on.

Scenario - what would happen if they over medicated to keep the service user 'calm' you want to wait 2 weeks and then see a doped up Mum?? Let alone the damage that can have.

Sunny is right about due diligence in advance but I would still want to monitor from the get go.

Keep visits short, under 1/2 hour, only you or only one person.

After looking into this subject, I can understand the administrator's views that wait 2 weeks for any visitors, but personally, it is a red flag about the facility, imo.

1) Who would give up looking after a loved one's welfare for two weeks?
2) This is for the convenience of the staff, and not necessary.
3) Provides the facility too much power to transfer the patient's dependency and loyalties to strangers, the staff.

I am so against this part. Suggest you find a facility that does not ask this of you.
Instead, you should be welcomed to be dropping in any time!

Years ago I tried to get my parents to move to an retirement community that had different levels of care.   Really nice large apartments, beautiful grounds, indoor pool, bank branch, hairdresser/barber, gift shop, numerous restaurants.   Well, that went over like a lead balloon.   Mom did say "it looks like a nice place, maybe in a couple of years".   Like HELLO, my parents were already in their 90's.

Once my Mom had passed at 98, Dad decided that he was now ready to leave their house.   Took him to one retirement complex and a big smile came over his face, and as soon as he walked into the lobby he said "where do I sign up".   For me it felt like how one would feel when they send their teenager off to college... will they like their room, will they make friends, will they like the food, etc.

Dad loved his Independent Living apartment, plus he was able to keep two of his private caregivers but shorter hours.   That gave him a routine.  Then nine months later, time for Assisted Living/Memory Care.   Dad also accepted moving there.   I was real lucky with him... he was use to having my Mom tell him what to do, so he was easy going with the Staff  :)

Athena,
No one size fits all here

I moved mom (93) to memory care a year ago and she still has not adjusted and wants to go home

Some new residents have no idea where they are or why and don't care and others get so riled up they have to be heavily medicated

Depending on your mother's overall health and mobility- how do you think she will do on her own there ? Is this a nursing home or assisted living with memory care ?

I see you are in SoCal so if you want to private message me I'm happy to share more with you

It's a Great question, and one I'm interested in learning more about, thank you for posting!

When my mom was placed siblings visited daily, at different times. After a week of this the facility told them to stay away for three weeks so mom would adjust. Mom still has not adjusted a year and a half later. Still problem behaviors that no med has helped yet. Each experience is different. Best wishes to you through this transition.

With proper medications and no visits for two weeks , they acclimate well. When family is there for several hours daily, they do not do well, they whine and beg to go home. Like the first day of kindergarten.

I had two experiences. The first was when my cousin went into AL. At first it was a good fit. She thought it would help her with physical therapy, meds, etc. She was very reliant on me emotionally and I was called to the facility a lot. I was there every day, sometimes twice a day. It was too much contact. She had trouble settling in. Wanted me there 24/7. I should have stayed away, though, the AL wanted me there, since it took the pressure off of them. In retrospect, I'm not convinced it was a good fit. The other residents were more independent than she was.

After my cousin progressed, began to wander, the doctor said she had to go to a Secure Memory Care facility. She didn't question it at all, was content and happy when I left her. (She really didn't know where she was or that she had been at another facility at that point. She loved what she called "her apartment" ).

The director said that I should not visit for about 2 weeks. I called and they said she was doing fine and she was. She has been very content since day one. It was the right thing in our case.

I would explore the facility in detail beforehand, to make sure that they are trained and able to care for someone with her needs. For example. In a regular AL, if the resident is resistant to care, uncooperative, exhibits odd behavior, etc. you may get repeated phone calls to come and address it. They may not be staffed or trained to understand and work with the resident. But, in a special unit, like MC, they seem to be prepared for that. They have ways to work with the resident. That is expected in that unit and they attend to the residents needs. I think it's important to be very candid about the level of care that she may have. Everyone is different. I had a great aunt who lived in a regular AL then nursing home for many years throughout all stages of her dementia and never seemed to need a MC unit.