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I have a parent who has been placed in assisted living against their will by the other parent. There is disagreement on what level of care (how much) is necessary. The person is lucid but can be confused about some things. The other parent has complete control of the finances, and the last I knew, there was sufficient funds for home care. Parent feels abandoned and frustrated. Whom do I call? Adult protective services?

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Home care is not just about money.

We are having discussions right now about Palliative Care (similar to Hospice in the US) for step dad, whether it will be in the home or hospital.

It would not cost $$, but the other costs are far too high for Mum. Caregivers would come 3X a day, Mum at 84 would have to provide all care the rest of the time. Mum could only leave the house when care givers were there and only for as long as they were there. She would have to give up her fitness classes, Dragon Boating, dog walking, volunteering, Church, dinners with friends, all her social life. Her house would have to be modified and she would lose her dining room and the ability to have friends over for meals (currently once a week)

Does StepDad want to come home? Yes, he does.

Now I know your situation is different in that end of life is not near, but do you really now how hard it may be for your other parent to manage with a 'confused' spouse at home? How much time did you spend with your parents minding the 'confused' parent while the other one had a break?
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Yes, we need more specifics. Is this your father?

Lets say its ur father. So Mom has put Dad in an AL. You say "decline" but is it really Dementia/ALZ? With all his other problems, Mom cannot care for him. Caregiving in our sixties is hard enough but 80! Mom had to have had POA over Dad. The AL would have evaluated him for the facility. Hiring caregivers is not easy either. Not all can be depended on. It also is not cheap. Maybe Mom doesn't want to have strangers in her house. Maybe the house needs to be made accessable and Mom doesn't want it torn all up, when the enevitable is Dad is only going to get worse. You know she has to think of her future too. Caregiving longterm can age you faster. Even with help, the responsibility is still there. Maybe Mom is just not a caregiver.

You have no idea what the other parent put up with on a daily basis. APS will look at it as he is safe, clean and fed. There is no abuse. If parent is lucid then no one could have forced them into an AL. There has to be documentation saying that ur parent can no longer care for themselves and a POA in place. I think you need to be supportive. When you visit ur parent don't say you are working trying to get him out. When he complains, make him look at the good side of it. Make it easier for him and the staff. The AL will contact the other parent if its found that parent needs more care than they are getting. At an AL there are levels of care and each level costs more than the last.
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Assisted Living is not jail.

Would you be able to have parent live with you, if funds for caregivers at home were provided by other parent?
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I visit my mother EVERY day and she still thinks I have abandoned her if I do not spend ALL day with her. I take care of literally EVERYTHING she needs and wants, but it is never enough. How does that saying go, “A mother can take care of her 10 children, but her 10 children cannot take care of their mother.” Maybe nothing you do will please your loved one, like my own mother. I have bent over backwards, done SO much to hopefully please her, but it has all proven futile and frustrating. I have decided to resume my career, visit when I can, but I refuse to self sacrifice any longer. My own health and home life have suffered enough for her and I no longer feel guilty. Hope you can make peace with your loved one, too. “Take care of yourself first” finally hit home with me and I hope it does the same for you very soon. I Just FYI.
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Shell38314 Nov 12, 2018
Good for you! I feel the same way about my mother. I will take care of her until I get were I can't. But I refuse to give up on my life and my dreams.
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I agree with the other writers above. We do need more information.

When it comes to dementia, the parents who has said illness can be cheerful and lucid around you or on the telephone.... this is called "show-timing".... it something science just cannot understand.

As for the parent who is doing the caregiving, it can be very laboring work.... very easy to crash and burn from all the stress involved. Believe, me those of us who have been down this road know, especially those who had a parent living with them who had dementia. My late parents still lived in their own house, but they were stressing me to no end. I am still trying to recover two years later.

As was mentioned earlier, a facility will not take a person unless that person meets the criteria. It's not like a hotel where everyone can sign in.

Is the parent with dementia wandering outside? That is very scary to the parent who is caregiving. Is the parent with dementia being violent? That can happen in some cases, and many parents do not want to tell their grown children what is happening. Is the parent with dementia becoming a fall risk? Not unusual.
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Who is disagreeing over level of care, you and the custodial parent or the parents themselves? If it’s you, how involved were you in the day to day care? Occasional phone calls or texts to ask “how’s it going”, don’t count. If the parent needs 24/7 supervision or care, sufficient funds would be hundreds a day, more than a thousand a week.

No person looks forward to leaving their long-time home and moving in with strangers who tell them what to do and when. But those same people, when they were st their highest functioning level, would probably not be happy having daughters, sons or sometimes even spouses wiping, feeding and washing them.

As was said, APS only intercedes in cases of abuse or neglect. They don’t moderate family arguments. Perhaps have a care conference with the staff at the facility with all parties involved, including neutral observers and find out what’s going on.
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I don't want to be obtuse, but why would you not call the fund-holding parent and get his/her side of the story?

It sounds as if you are based too far away to go and see both parties face to face, are you?

Meanwhile I should sympathise warmly but noncommittally with the parent in the ALF to soothe his/her feelings.

H'm - also, *is* it an ALF, or is it a secure memory care facility?

The thing is. One partner in a marriage can have complete control of the finances even in our progressive times. But even so, he or she doesn't have the legal power to force his/her spouse to live anywhere she/he doesn't agree to; so that I can't see how your parent could have got your other parent admitted without valid consent unless that parent was legally incompetent. In which case, you want to be taking a grain of salt with his/her account of events.

Do you feel like describing the history a little more? Have you been involved enough to know what day to day life was like in the family home recently?
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G, it would be useful for you to find out from the administrative staff a)what sort of facility this is ( IL, AL, Memory Care) and b) what the circumstances of admission were.

You say this parent has no dementia. My mother could convince family members of that, but neurological and cognitive evaluations told a different story.

If your parent is okay with part time supervision, why does s/he not sue for divorce and division of assets and find a senior apartment? And hire part time help?

Would that be "enough"? If not, then your parent is appropriately placed.

Are you sure that medication management isn't an option? Again, talk to administration. Please don't just take the patient's word for what is available.

In rehab, my mom told me ( with the nurse who had just administered her pills sitting right there) that she was required to manage her own medications. It would have been funny if it hadn't been so sad.
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I believe that to get admitted to AL a doctor's note has to agree. I don't think we are seeing the full picture. Your profile states that you are caring for your father but you are not. If the wife has full faculties then her being the spouse who he lives with can trump your status as a caregiver.
As far as medications, you are not sure if nurses are giving medications. Again it shows that you are not really involved because all you have to do is ask. Generally ALs are not nursing homes but staff have competencies to supervise medications and are backed up by state laws. It is really simple to dump pills from a container and hand a glass of water. ALs are not usually set up for complex medications.
Last, some people with dementia or cognitive impairment can cover it up to outsiders. If you truely want to be the caregiver then you need to step up. You can seek legal channels and provide reasons why you need to remove the spouse plus a care plan on how to manage dad, but then you will have to take him home to you
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Gtenref Nov 14, 2018
i think you need to rethink you statement that it’s “pretty simple to dump pills” and hand a glass of water. Many medications are controlled substances and can’t be dispensed by just anybody who can count pills. Plus not all medications are pill form. Ever hear on insulin!
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I'm finding it a bit pointless to keep skirting politely around the issues.

Right. Your mother is a somewhat domineering person, with whom you had a significant breach fifteen years ago. She has full control of finances, which implies that your father is no longer able to make such decisions. She has placed your father in a facility. Presumably she has not moved in with him but remains in the family home. You speak to your father - regularly? - and enjoy affectionate conversations with him, but you are saddened and angry when you get the impression that he feels he has been dumped in this place and is anxious to return to his home. You have not discussed any of this with your mother, either because you're not in touch with her at all or because relations between you are too strained.

Please amend the points I've got wrong. Then we'll all know where we are.

And meanwhile I wonder... what living arrangements do you think would suit your father best, things being as they are?
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