Parent placed in assisted living against their will. Who do I call?

Assisted Living is not jail.

Would you be able to have parent live with you, if funds for caregivers at home were provided by other parent?

I don't want to be obtuse, but why would you not call the fund-holding parent and get his/her side of the story?

It sounds as if you are based too far away to go and see both parties face to face, are you?

Meanwhile I should sympathise warmly but noncommittally with the parent in the ALF to soothe his/her feelings.

H'm - also, *is* it an ALF, or is it a secure memory care facility?

The thing is. One partner in a marriage can have complete control of the finances even in our progressive times. But even so, he or she doesn't have the legal power to force his/her spouse to live anywhere she/he doesn't agree to; so that I can't see how your parent could have got your other parent admitted without valid consent unless that parent was legally incompetent. In which case, you want to be taking a grain of salt with his/her account of events.

Do you feel like describing the history a little more? Have you been involved enough to know what day to day life was like in the family home recently?

Yes, we need more specifics. Is this your father?

Lets say its ur father. So Mom has put Dad in an AL. You say "decline" but is it really Dementia/ALZ? With all his other problems, Mom cannot care for him. Caregiving in our sixties is hard enough but 80! Mom had to have had POA over Dad. The AL would have evaluated him for the facility. Hiring caregivers is not easy either. Not all can be depended on. It also is not cheap. Maybe Mom doesn't want to have strangers in her house. Maybe the house needs to be made accessable and Mom doesn't want it torn all up, when the enevitable is Dad is only going to get worse. You know she has to think of her future too. Caregiving longterm can age you faster. Even with help, the responsibility is still there. Maybe Mom is just not a caregiver.

You have no idea what the other parent put up with on a daily basis. APS will look at it as he is safe, clean and fed. There is no abuse. If parent is lucid then no one could have forced them into an AL. There has to be documentation saying that ur parent can no longer care for themselves and a POA in place. I think you need to be supportive. When you visit ur parent don't say you are working trying to get him out. When he complains, make him look at the good side of it. Make it easier for him and the staff. The AL will contact the other parent if its found that parent needs more care than they are getting. At an AL there are levels of care and each level costs more than the last.

Home care is not just about money.

We are having discussions right now about Palliative Care (similar to Hospice in the US) for step dad, whether it will be in the home or hospital.

It would not cost $$, but the other costs are far too high for Mum. Caregivers would come 3X a day, Mum at 84 would have to provide all care the rest of the time. Mum could only leave the house when care givers were there and only for as long as they were there. She would have to give up her fitness classes, Dragon Boating, dog walking, volunteering, Church, dinners with friends, all her social life. Her house would have to be modified and she would lose her dining room and the ability to have friends over for meals (currently once a week)

Does StepDad want to come home? Yes, he does.

Now I know your situation is different in that end of life is not near, but do you really now how hard it may be for your other parent to manage with a 'confused' spouse at home? How much time did you spend with your parents minding the 'confused' parent while the other one had a break?

I visit my mother EVERY day and she still thinks I have abandoned her if I do not spend ALL day with her. I take care of literally EVERYTHING she needs and wants, but it is never enough. How does that saying go, “A mother can take care of her 10 children, but her 10 children cannot take care of their mother.” Maybe nothing you do will please your loved one, like my own mother. I have bent over backwards, done SO much to hopefully please her, but it has all proven futile and frustrating. I have decided to resume my career, visit when I can, but I refuse to self sacrifice any longer. My own health and home life have suffered enough for her and I no longer feel guilty. Hope you can make peace with your loved one, too. “Take care of yourself first” finally hit home with me and I hope it does the same for you very soon. I Just FYI.

I agree with the other writers above. We do need more information.

When it comes to dementia, the parents who has said illness can be cheerful and lucid around you or on the telephone.... this is called "show-timing".... it something science just cannot understand.

As for the parent who is doing the caregiving, it can be very laboring work.... very easy to crash and burn from all the stress involved. Believe, me those of us who have been down this road know, especially those who had a parent living with them who had dementia. My late parents still lived in their own house, but they were stressing me to no end. I am still trying to recover two years later.

As was mentioned earlier, a facility will not take a person unless that person meets the criteria. It's not like a hotel where everyone can sign in.

Is the parent with dementia wandering outside? That is very scary to the parent who is caregiving. Is the parent with dementia being violent? That can happen in some cases, and many parents do not want to tell their grown children what is happening. Is the parent with dementia becoming a fall risk? Not unusual.

APS is going to evaluate the safety of the placement, not the wishes of the resident to be elsewhere. I doubt they will find an Assisted Living facility to be an unsafe placement. My advice is to visit as often as you can to make your mom feel supported.

Who is disagreeing over level of care, you and the custodial parent or the parents themselves? If it’s you, how involved were you in the day to day care? Occasional phone calls or texts to ask “how’s it going”, don’t count. If the parent needs 24/7 supervision or care, sufficient funds would be hundreds a day, more than a thousand a week.

No person looks forward to leaving their long-time home and moving in with strangers who tell them what to do and when. But those same people, when they were st their highest functioning level, would probably not be happy having daughters, sons or sometimes even spouses wiping, feeding and washing them.

As was said, APS only intercedes in cases of abuse or neglect. They don’t moderate family arguments. Perhaps have a care conference with the staff at the facility with all parties involved, including neutral observers and find out what’s going on.

What's really too bad here is that the custodial parent hasn't included the family or at least the kids in the day to day of what has been happening over the last 6mos - year or whatever it's been but even more significantly what led them to make the decision to place their spouse, your other parent. It likely would have made the decision easier for them and perhaps the move easier on everyone if you were all on the same page. I'm not sure why this didn't happen or when and how you found out about the new living arrangements (did you know before the move?) and I have no doubt it's become an even more difficult situation because of that but maybe you can find the strength to try and rescue the relationship by putting some of your feelings aside, it could help the parent who's been put in AL. Do you have siblings? If so include them if you can. Approach the custodial parent in a I wan to help you sort of way, "I had no idea things had gotten that bad I wish you had shared that so we could have helped you with all of this". "Tell us about it all so we can help Mom/Dad accept this and adapt". "Did anyone tell you about AL facilities that have apartments for couples where one doesn't need assistance but the other needs more than they can give so they can stay together?" (maybe you will find that it's just too difficult for them emotionally to watch their partner decline) See if you can give them each some the support they might need and even if your angry with the one being supportive rather than negative or questioning judgment (even if it should be questioned) may get you more information now and ongoing, help put them at ease and adjust to involving you more in details and decisions so you aren't blindsided again. Besides it's very true that sharing the burden will make it easier for all of you and if and when the time comes that the custodial parent here needs their own assistance medically you will have established an avenue for being a part of those plans (not necessarily providing the care). At least some information that isn't given in an adversarial way will help you determine just how off base this arrangement may or may not be. That might at least give you a better idea of what direction to research, should they really be in AL of some sort or are they capable of living on their own and it's the other parent who may need intervention. Who are the doctors, what are they recommending? What's that saying, catch more flies with sugar than vinegar?

Do get the help and back up of siblings if you have any though, a united front is so much better for everyone and this shouldn't all fall to you if there are others. This sounds like a terrible surprise and situation that could get worse or could get better depending on what you are willing to do at least I hope that's true. Hang in there.

So rather than reply to individual posts, I’ll add more here. First I do not believe this is a case of dementia. When I have a one on one conversation with this parent, I get direct answers. I do suspect some hearing loss. For years now I would describe my parents relationship as more of a dictatorship. This goes back maybe 15 years. One parent has been unwilling to compromise on anything for as long as I can remember. I cannot recall a single instance where this parent gave in to anything... ever. I suspect the other parent just gave in because it was easier. I have intentionally been vague out of fear that the dominant parent will read this and recognize the scenario if I give too many details. The facility my parent has been put in provides a place to sleep, feeding and household care. As far as I can tell there are no medically trained people on the staff. My parent takes regular (multiple times per day) medication and needs monitoring. If this person needs to be in a facility, I at least think there should be medical staff. As far as the level of care, the parent in the facility would say they need a little help, the other parent would say 24 hours a day. My feeling is maybe 1/2 time, but I am estimating based on observation.

G, it would be useful for you to find out from the administrative staff a)what sort of facility this is ( IL, AL, Memory Care) and b) what the circumstances of admission were.

You say this parent has no dementia. My mother could convince family members of that, but neurological and cognitive evaluations told a different story.

If your parent is okay with part time supervision, why does s/he not sue for divorce and division of assets and find a senior apartment? And hire part time help?

Would that be "enough"? If not, then your parent is appropriately placed.

Are you sure that medication management isn't an option? Again, talk to administration. Please don't just take the patient's word for what is available.

In rehab, my mom told me ( with the nurse who had just administered her pills sitting right there) that she was required to manage her own medications. It would have been funny if it hadn't been so sad.

You're estimating based on observation?

How much time have you spent in your parents' company over, say, the last year or two?

To be honest. Your style of writing is so distinctive that if your 'dominant' parent does see your posts I'd be astonished if s/he didn't recognise it. Especially if s/he is also the type to investigate suspicions, and suspects you might be out there researching options.

But that's okay! You live in a free country. If you choose to consult a forum about your situation and don't indulge in defamation of character (can't see anything you've said that could be defamatory, you're allowed to have an opinion) - so what about it?

is this person really such a monster that you have reason to be so fearful?

How long have your parents been married? And what happened fifteen years ago to make that time so significant to you?

I'm finding it a bit pointless to keep skirting politely around the issues.

Right. Your mother is a somewhat domineering person, with whom you had a significant breach fifteen years ago. She has full control of finances, which implies that your father is no longer able to make such decisions. She has placed your father in a facility. Presumably she has not moved in with him but remains in the family home. You speak to your father - regularly? - and enjoy affectionate conversations with him, but you are saddened and angry when you get the impression that he feels he has been dumped in this place and is anxious to return to his home. You have not discussed any of this with your mother, either because you're not in touch with her at all or because relations between you are too strained.

Please amend the points I've got wrong. Then we'll all know where we are.

And meanwhile I wonder... what living arrangements do you think would suit your father best, things being as they are?