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So, my daughter who has a 2 year old, husband is an hourly worker, calls tonight.


Backstory, her DH'S grandfather, with dementia, lives alone. Refuses care. Goes to senior center. Son moved recently out of state, offered to move his father with him. Elder refused, stated he was going to move his girlfriend from Cuba to NY.


So, GF falls, hurts shoulder Doc says just bruised. GF goes home. Neighbor calls my SIL, says GF can't care for self. SIL goes over, helps him undress for bed.


My daughter gets a call tonight from her FIL. States that his father has broken arm, someone needs to go to ER to care for his father.


My take is that if no one shows up at ER, hospital will determine if GF is safe to return home with no care. And will hopefully set in place a care plan/home healthcare. He is clearly NOT okay on own.


I have advised daughter and SIL to be in touch with hospital by phone, but to refuse to show up, as they have obligations that supercede care of GF.


ANY advice?

Further update! GF admitted to hospital and they've agreed to send him to a NH. SIL worked with SW to find one with a Spanish-speaking population (they are Cubano) and that is relatively easy to visit for SIL. Let's see how this goes.

Grandaughter's psych evaluation is today. I'm a retired school psychologist and spent the last 5 year dealing exclusively with children on the spectrum. It's hard to tell with really young children if its "only" a speech delay or ASD. Her play skills look pretty typical for a nearly 22 month old, but she doesn't "call joint attention" (seek to share her excitement or enjoyment). That's what's concerning.

Again, thanks for listening!
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Update; GF admitted ( DD thinks) to hospital. Son in law went to hospital to see how things are going and to get in touch with gf's
case manager.

I can't imagine my DD putting up with this for long. SIL is an hourly worker and will get fired if he misses shifts. DD and Sil's child, my granddaughter, who is almost 2, is not yet talking and is in the midst of an evaluation that I suspect will result in a dx of Autism.

They don't need anything else on their plate right now.

Thanks for listening.
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JoAnn29 Jan 26, 2019
My daughter didn't say much before two, then she hit two...
TG they are aware of autism now. So much that can be done, the younger the better. I suggest though, that ur DD read up on the laws in her state regarding Autism and what the responsibilities of the school are. A couple in our district are having a problem with their autistic child being allowed a Service dog in the school. A dog that cost 20k to train. The schools here try to get out of doing what they should so the parents need to know their rights.
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Thanks to you all!
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". . .peed in his own wheaties" Ha! Funny and so true in this situation. This FIL sounds like he will be a doozy in his old age, as well.
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You are spot on. Tell DD that next time FIL takes liberty to yell at her to hang up and block his number.

He is absolutely trying to manipulate them into caring for his dad.

He made his real feelings very clear by using breast feeding as an excuse for not inviting them to his wedding, he made his bed with those kids and he is about to find out he peed in his own wheaties.

I can't believe anyone could actually ask for help when they have done what this yahoo did, sheesh.

Let us know and give her our encouragement to say no and hang up if he yells 1 word.
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JoAnn29 Jan 26, 2019
Love it "peed on his wheaties"
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It is FIL's responsibility to care or plan the care of his dad, grandkids are not responsible here. And what's this about your daughter being responsible if grand dad dies?  If grand dad is in the hospital, then what more can anyone expect in terms of care?  No, this is morally FIL's responsibility, and probably legally as well.  Don't give him some kind of out to dump on your daughter and son-in-law. They have responsibilities of their own. Sorry, FIL, but if your dad belongs in some kind of facility, then you need to do something about it, not pass the buck. And if there is some kind of cultural expectation - well the way to deal with that is to turn a resolutely deaf ear.
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I know it'd be dicey, but it does make me think SIL needs to discuss with FIL what the plan is going forward when (not if) GFIL needs help and care. This scenario makes me think FIL threw up his hands when GFIL wouldn't move with him, and figured "there's family there if Pa needs it". Sounds like he figures SIL and DD are Team GFIL.
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BarbBrooklyn Jan 25, 2019
Yes, that sounds about like what happened. SIL is a very responsible and caring person, and I need to protect him from getting sucked into taking on a fulltime " taking care of GF" gig.
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I am sitting here laughing. TG you have comma between "old, husband". Without it it reads "2yr old husband". Ok if u don't think that's funny, just got to me.🤣

Are you asking what do we think or just saying how you handled a situation? Really I agree, if daughter and SIL get involved then they may be held responsible for his care. But, who has POA? If the SILs Dad then maybe he needs to deal with it by phone. Not much your SIL can do if Gpa puts up a fight.

On the other hand though, the man has Dementia and shouldn't be making decisions for himself. Catch 22. Damned if you do damned if you don't.
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BarbBrooklyn Jan 25, 2019
I just needed consensual validation that I'm telling my DD the right thing. She and her husband were disinvited to her FILs recent wedding because she "immodestly" nurses her daughter. Mucho issues, so needed some confirmation.
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Looking ahead, this should serve as a caution to DD and SIL about setting boundaries and dealing with expectations where FIL is concerned.
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Mid, I just needed some confirmation, thankfully provided by you, dear friend!.

Because my daughter's Fil is screaming at her over the phone that if his dad dies, it's on her head. Lots of cultural and religious issues here, but we've got a stubborn elder, an adult child who offered his dad a place in his new home ( turned down) and two young adults with a toddler and one income No wiggle room.

I've told my daughter to stand firm and to encourage her DH to do the same.

Thanks!
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Oh, Barb, if YOU don't have the answer--we're all lost!

I guess just refuse to bring him home and let the "system" take over.

Your SIL needs to work, it sounds like, and taking time off will not be tolerated--as he needs the income, right?

Is this girlfriend "real"? I mean, who was there for him when he fell? The gf from Cuba?

Oh, the FIL should be on board and not dragging the "kids" into this. Sounds like there are some people involved--primarily, FIL. He should be in the forefront managing this--your advice for daughter and DH to step away is good. They'd be dragged into this in a hot minute.
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