Why does society think we owe our elderly parents?

I say we forget our differences and have a big party. Bbq. Some burger's and hotdogs sit in the shade and enjoy each others company. Lol!

@ whitney,
people who patronize only on holidays are my pet peeve.
on the original subject, i think most parents contributed much more than just raising us. ill bet few of us took off soaring without occasional help from our parents. does that mean we owe them something? imo, yes. someone who takes and never gives back should be eliminated from your life, again, jmho.my feelings hail from the day of the barter system which incredibly we seem to be returning to. in those days a shyster would lose credibility and soon noone would deal with him / her. a financial boycott of sorts.

Can't there be a happy medium? Why can't adult children visit their folks at least once a month (preferably much more) if they live in the area? My sister lives 20 minutes from our folks and visits them about three times a year (holidays), and calls them about once every two months. Her days are wide-open, as she does not work (her husband works). There are many hours in a day, and she clearly has the time. Sometimes people have to do things they don't want to do, just so other people will think of them as a decent human being, and to show some respect for the elderly; it's called being a good person.

There's a sort of perfect storm going on concerning the elderly and the social safety net in general.

Modern medicine has allowed us to live much longer lives than in the past. When social security was started, if I have this right, half of everyone died by their 65th birthday. There just weren't that many old people.

Before good birth control, people had lots of kids to take care of them if, by chance, they lived past age 65.

In the old days women mostly didn't work outside the home, so they were available to care for the elderly, and didn't have to balance it with a paying job.

Nowadays an amazing number of people live to be 100. Because of social security and Medicare and good pensions, many elderly are wealthier than their children and grandchildren. Our parents had fewer kids than their parents. Most women now have full time jobs and therefore little time for elder care. Because of the economy, it's very hard for a young person to get started in a career, and lots of us Boomers have had our careers cut short. Young people don't get government help, can't find a job, and get called names for it. The caregiving generation is under a lot of pressure.

Then there's the sense of entitlement - on both sides. Face it, we all want what we want, when we want it. IMHO, that's a good thing because we demand and often get better treated by organizations and corporations. If my parents had treated me the way some parents do, I don't think I would be inclined to do much of anything for them.

It's a bad thing, however, when we forget that some things are beyond our wishes and demands to control. Parents have to accept that we have limits. We have to accept that our parents and siblings are not likely to change. Some parents suck. Some kids suck. Lots of families manage to struggle through with love and grace and a whole lot of effort.

If we were Eskimos in the old days, then, when our parents got too old and infirm to work, they would walk out onto the ice floes and die. Compared to that, what's wrong with a nursing home?

I agree with "busy". If it were necessary, I would take care of my parents because I love them, and honor them. I figure all the crappy diapers, and puke my mom and dad cleaned up of mine...why shouldn't I do the same for them. It's kind of a dumb question really. I thought the "me, myself, and I" attitudes went out with the 80s. I guess not.

I find that usually those who talk about how it's an honor to care for elderly parents are usually those with parents who have means to help with expenses and who are agreeable and easy to live with, for the most part. I worked many, many years to reach my retirement goal and have a decent income and travel. This was something everyone knew, especially my Mom. Still, since I am the child 'without a husband' ... I am stuck. I am angry about this but at the same time I do have so many times I feel sorry for my Mom because she is older and can't do a lot of the things she's used to doing. I have set aside funds to take care of me when I reach that stage but who knows if it will be enough, when I reach that point? I do know for sure it's written in stone that I will NEVER live with one of my children under any circumstances. Three years ago I could have passed for 45 years old and now I'm tired, worn out, no social life, no friends.

An honor to take care of my Mom? Maybe so but I'm not feeling it. Love her ... just not feeling any 'honor.'

Eyerishlass~ So very true!!! I will add that my parents did raise me to go out in the world to earn a living so I could take care of them. My parents planned for their own care and we are seeing that is being done. Do I have time to spend with my husband...very little...do I get days off to enjoy myself...NO!! Should I depend on my parents to provide for my future with an inheritance...NO!! That is their money to be used for them. I personally have no time or patience for close minded people who think I don't take care of my elders. They don't know me or my situation first, so they judge right off based on only what they do and they think that what they do is the only right thing to do. The example I leave for my children is one based on intelligent decisions made for the world we now live in.

I find this topic sick. You wonder
Why the moral fiber of this country
Is gone.....just take a look....parents
Who don't want anything to do
With their elders...or their kids,
What kind of example for the kids.


Yep, just a pack of wild dogs

It's our turn to return the favor? I don't feel that my parents were doing me a favor by raising me and feeding me. When my parents were younger they fell in love and got married. They dreamed of having a family so they planned and planned and dreamed and they ended up having 2 children.

Show me one person here who planned and planned and dreamed and dreamed of one day being able to care for their elderly, aging parents.

I think that respecting that everyone's situation is different, everyone comes from different family dynamics that each and everyone of us has to respect the circumstances that a person was raised with. I opinion is that yes, our parents should have set money aside for their golden years, either through retirement programs provided from their employers and (back then most employers had a retirement program). There are myriad of way they could have invested money. Today it is different because 1) many employers don't have a good retirement program,2) unlike our parents, we are not able to stay at the same company until we retire, there is downsizing, companies that close their doors and fold up, 3) my parents raised 4 children back in the late 50's thru the 70's and their highest earning wages was $35,000.00. They were able to buy a home contribute to retirement programs or profit sharings so basically they were set for their golden years. 4) we are not living on Walton's Mountain any longer. Woman work because they have to help provide for their immediate family, plan for their own retirement. I believe we are all responsible to provide for our own needs including living in a facility. I know I would not want my children to go bankrupt, lose their marriage or everything they have worked for to take care of me. Does this mean I accept them abandoning me...No! I expect them to advocate on my behalf when I can no longer do it for myself even if I am in an assisted living/memory care community. It means I expect them to help me to see that I am getting good care, they visit regularly and if I am of sound mind, I will see to it myself that I have activities and people I communicate with to spend my time while my children are seeing to their lives, including me in it that is reasonable. I know my daughter will do this, we have discussed it in detail. I send all my time off work helping my mother who has Alzheimer's, is living in AL with her dog. I take her to dr. appt. advocate for her care, visit her regularly,have lunch with her, grocery shop for her, take her dog to the vet, to grooming, do her laundry and myriad of other things to see that mom is comfortable. The difference between having her at home or AL is that now I peace mind she is safe and taken care of and I can spend so much more with her instead of being rushed because I have to take care of my life with my husband too. It is an individual decision, we need to learn to respect that with everyone. Hugs!!

Our parents didn't save more money for their elderly years because they spent so much supporting us, their children. It is fair to give back to them as they come into their own time of needing help. We need to find a balance between helping them and robbing our own lives. Where do we draw the line? It's an individual decision.

I think we should do what we can; however, giving up our life, marriage, job, health and personal financial security should never be part of that equation.

My Mother told everyone who would listen that she would NEVER live with her children. As she got older and had health issues, she actually had to live with us and then announced she would never live in any facility but in her own home. How happy can "they" be just sitting in front of a TV all day? Mother would have so much more interaction and activities in a NH but I have a suspicion the other siblings would rather not spend her money in that way.

It is a very touchy subject wherever I go and we talk about our elderly parents.

I don't look at taking care of my parent as a debt "owed". I look at it as an honor. She took care of me when I was young, and now I want to take care of her.

Who is it that gave you life? Who looked after you for the first 18 or so years of your life. Do you not think that you do perhaps "owe" them something?
I view it as my father will not be around forever and I am blessed and privileged to be able to help him and spend more time with him now as he has begun to have physical issues.
He drove me around, clothed and fed me for the first 18 years of my life. Now it is my time to return the favor.

I've found the expectations of people vary based on their own circumstance. For example, seniors who saved for their old age and stay flexible do not feel it is their children's responsibility to take care of them. OTOH, seniors who want to stay in their home even when they have money to move, do feel it is the children's responsibility. Sometimes I hear chat about "ain't it awful that dreadful daughter actually put her mother in a home" from people of this second group.

How society in general feels, I don't know. I don't think the general population thinks much about it.

I agree. Many people agree with us. Some do not. In some cases there is a religious factor in the attitudes of those who think we "owe" our parents.

I don't really think that our "society" has a uniform attitude about this. Individuals have their own opinions. The fact that we have set up Medicaid to help elders who have used up their own money and need help is an indication that one social institution sees it as the responsibility of all of us (taxpayers) to help elders.

I really don't worry about what "society" thinks about this issue. You may get pressure from your parents, from other relatives, from your church, etc. etc. but you need to make your own decisions.

From my perspective it is just the opposite. The children of their parents don't give a rip about their own parents, and I would be willing to bet the majority of the members of this website would agree with me!