Why does society think we owe our elderly parents?

From my perspective it is just the opposite. The children of their parents don't give a rip about their own parents, and I would be willing to bet the majority of the members of this website would agree with me!

I agree. Many people agree with us. Some do not. In some cases there is a religious factor in the attitudes of those who think we "owe" our parents.

I don't really think that our "society" has a uniform attitude about this. Individuals have their own opinions. The fact that we have set up Medicaid to help elders who have used up their own money and need help is an indication that one social institution sees it as the responsibility of all of us (taxpayers) to help elders.

I really don't worry about what "society" thinks about this issue. You may get pressure from your parents, from other relatives, from your church, etc. etc. but you need to make your own decisions.

I've found the expectations of people vary based on their own circumstance. For example, seniors who saved for their old age and stay flexible do not feel it is their children's responsibility to take care of them. OTOH, seniors who want to stay in their home even when they have money to move, do feel it is the children's responsibility. Sometimes I hear chat about "ain't it awful that dreadful daughter actually put her mother in a home" from people of this second group.

How society in general feels, I don't know. I don't think the general population thinks much about it.

Who is it that gave you life? Who looked after you for the first 18 or so years of your life. Do you not think that you do perhaps "owe" them something?
I view it as my father will not be around forever and I am blessed and privileged to be able to help him and spend more time with him now as he has begun to have physical issues.
He drove me around, clothed and fed me for the first 18 years of my life. Now it is my time to return the favor.

I don't look at taking care of my parent as a debt "owed". I look at it as an honor. She took care of me when I was young, and now I want to take care of her.

I think we should do what we can; however, giving up our life, marriage, job, health and personal financial security should never be part of that equation.

My Mother told everyone who would listen that she would NEVER live with her children. As she got older and had health issues, she actually had to live with us and then announced she would never live in any facility but in her own home. How happy can "they" be just sitting in front of a TV all day? Mother would have so much more interaction and activities in a NH but I have a suspicion the other siblings would rather not spend her money in that way.

It is a very touchy subject wherever I go and we talk about our elderly parents.

Our parents didn't save more money for their elderly years because they spent so much supporting us, their children. It is fair to give back to them as they come into their own time of needing help. We need to find a balance between helping them and robbing our own lives. Where do we draw the line? It's an individual decision.

I think that respecting that everyone's situation is different, everyone comes from different family dynamics that each and everyone of us has to respect the circumstances that a person was raised with. I opinion is that yes, our parents should have set money aside for their golden years, either through retirement programs provided from their employers and (back then most employers had a retirement program). There are myriad of way they could have invested money. Today it is different because 1) many employers don't have a good retirement program,2) unlike our parents, we are not able to stay at the same company until we retire, there is downsizing, companies that close their doors and fold up, 3) my parents raised 4 children back in the late 50's thru the 70's and their highest earning wages was $35,000.00. They were able to buy a home contribute to retirement programs or profit sharings so basically they were set for their golden years. 4) we are not living on Walton's Mountain any longer. Woman work because they have to help provide for their immediate family, plan for their own retirement. I believe we are all responsible to provide for our own needs including living in a facility. I know I would not want my children to go bankrupt, lose their marriage or everything they have worked for to take care of me. Does this mean I accept them abandoning me...No! I expect them to advocate on my behalf when I can no longer do it for myself even if I am in an assisted living/memory care community. It means I expect them to help me to see that I am getting good care, they visit regularly and if I am of sound mind, I will see to it myself that I have activities and people I communicate with to spend my time while my children are seeing to their lives, including me in it that is reasonable. I know my daughter will do this, we have discussed it in detail. I send all my time off work helping my mother who has Alzheimer's, is living in AL with her dog. I take her to dr. appt. advocate for her care, visit her regularly,have lunch with her, grocery shop for her, take her dog to the vet, to grooming, do her laundry and myriad of other things to see that mom is comfortable. The difference between having her at home or AL is that now I peace mind she is safe and taken care of and I can spend so much more with her instead of being rushed because I have to take care of my life with my husband too. It is an individual decision, we need to learn to respect that with everyone. Hugs!!

It's our turn to return the favor? I don't feel that my parents were doing me a favor by raising me and feeding me. When my parents were younger they fell in love and got married. They dreamed of having a family so they planned and planned and dreamed and they ended up having 2 children.

Show me one person here who planned and planned and dreamed and dreamed of one day being able to care for their elderly, aging parents.

I find this topic sick. You wonder
Why the moral fiber of this country
Is gone.....just take a look....parents
Who don't want anything to do
With their elders...or their kids,
What kind of example for the kids.


Yep, just a pack of wild dogs

Eyerishlass~ So very true!!! I will add that my parents did raise me to go out in the world to earn a living so I could take care of them. My parents planned for their own care and we are seeing that is being done. Do I have time to spend with my husband...very little...do I get days off to enjoy myself...NO!! Should I depend on my parents to provide for my future with an inheritance...NO!! That is their money to be used for them. I personally have no time or patience for close minded people who think I don't take care of my elders. They don't know me or my situation first, so they judge right off based on only what they do and they think that what they do is the only right thing to do. The example I leave for my children is one based on intelligent decisions made for the world we now live in.

I find that usually those who talk about how it's an honor to care for elderly parents are usually those with parents who have means to help with expenses and who are agreeable and easy to live with, for the most part. I worked many, many years to reach my retirement goal and have a decent income and travel. This was something everyone knew, especially my Mom. Still, since I am the child 'without a husband' ... I am stuck. I am angry about this but at the same time I do have so many times I feel sorry for my Mom because she is older and can't do a lot of the things she's used to doing. I have set aside funds to take care of me when I reach that stage but who knows if it will be enough, when I reach that point? I do know for sure it's written in stone that I will NEVER live with one of my children under any circumstances. Three years ago I could have passed for 45 years old and now I'm tired, worn out, no social life, no friends.

An honor to take care of my Mom? Maybe so but I'm not feeling it. Love her ... just not feeling any 'honor.'

I agree with "busy". If it were necessary, I would take care of my parents because I love them, and honor them. I figure all the crappy diapers, and puke my mom and dad cleaned up of mine...why shouldn't I do the same for them. It's kind of a dumb question really. I thought the "me, myself, and I" attitudes went out with the 80s. I guess not.

There's a sort of perfect storm going on concerning the elderly and the social safety net in general.

Modern medicine has allowed us to live much longer lives than in the past. When social security was started, if I have this right, half of everyone died by their 65th birthday. There just weren't that many old people.

Before good birth control, people had lots of kids to take care of them if, by chance, they lived past age 65.

In the old days women mostly didn't work outside the home, so they were available to care for the elderly, and didn't have to balance it with a paying job.

Nowadays an amazing number of people live to be 100. Because of social security and Medicare and good pensions, many elderly are wealthier than their children and grandchildren. Our parents had fewer kids than their parents. Most women now have full time jobs and therefore little time for elder care. Because of the economy, it's very hard for a young person to get started in a career, and lots of us Boomers have had our careers cut short. Young people don't get government help, can't find a job, and get called names for it. The caregiving generation is under a lot of pressure.

Then there's the sense of entitlement - on both sides. Face it, we all want what we want, when we want it. IMHO, that's a good thing because we demand and often get better treated by organizations and corporations. If my parents had treated me the way some parents do, I don't think I would be inclined to do much of anything for them.

It's a bad thing, however, when we forget that some things are beyond our wishes and demands to control. Parents have to accept that we have limits. We have to accept that our parents and siblings are not likely to change. Some parents suck. Some kids suck. Lots of families manage to struggle through with love and grace and a whole lot of effort.

If we were Eskimos in the old days, then, when our parents got too old and infirm to work, they would walk out onto the ice floes and die. Compared to that, what's wrong with a nursing home?

Can't there be a happy medium? Why can't adult children visit their folks at least once a month (preferably much more) if they live in the area? My sister lives 20 minutes from our folks and visits them about three times a year (holidays), and calls them about once every two months. Her days are wide-open, as she does not work (her husband works). There are many hours in a day, and she clearly has the time. Sometimes people have to do things they don't want to do, just so other people will think of them as a decent human being, and to show some respect for the elderly; it's called being a good person.

@ whitney,
people who patronize only on holidays are my pet peeve.
on the original subject, i think most parents contributed much more than just raising us. ill bet few of us took off soaring without occasional help from our parents. does that mean we owe them something? imo, yes. someone who takes and never gives back should be eliminated from your life, again, jmho.my feelings hail from the day of the barter system which incredibly we seem to be returning to. in those days a shyster would lose credibility and soon noone would deal with him / her. a financial boycott of sorts.

I say we forget our differences and have a big party. Bbq. Some burger's and hotdogs sit in the shade and enjoy each others company. Lol!

Americans have a different way of looking at eldercare than Europeans and Asian cultures---it is almost expected to have Grandma and Grandpa as part of the family , so for these families, your cards are already dealt.
Here in the US, unless you emigrated here, we are rather conditioned to the idea that nursing homes and assisted living places are acceptable ways to deal with your aging parents. Of course, not every one is well heeled and the cost associated with these places is out of reach for many as in our own family. My in-law had lower class jobs, never had investments or bought a home, and really had no concepts at all regarding investments or how to save money. So, with my widowed mother in law, who basically lives on SS and virtually no savings of any kind, we have found a townhome with affordable rent and have in-home hourly care for her that is paid for out her own monies. When her monies are totally exhausted, she will go to a Medicaid facility.
I have no guilt nor do I have any intentions of depleting the retirement savings I and my husband so diligently worked for over the last 30 years. I knew this was on the horizon when I first met my in-laws years ago and saw how they lived with no care other than to see what winning lottery numbers came up daily. I think of a fable about the ant and the grasshopper ---I am sure all of you have heard of it. I have made provisions to never be a burden to my son or daughter and already told each of them that I don't expect them to be saddled with our care. When I read the stories on this site of the heart wrenching frustrations , illness , depression and exhaustion of you caregivers, you are truly a remarkable bunch of people and my utmost respect and admiration goes out to you. Please don't think me cold and indifferent either---we take Mom out every Friday for dinner, have her over the house and take her to the doctors when necessary. In our hearts and minds, she is getting the care and attention she needs at this stage of her life.

NOt reading thru the thread just commenting on the title....I can say straight from the social workers mouth the state told me their view was "it is a child duty to care for their parent and that is why system is way it is".....not everyone's parents were able to secure the future financially, and it is the child's responsibility to deal with that aftermath!It irked me to hear that tho.....the way I look at it, if they could throw me some healthcare and a tiny salary (without taking all of moms monthly income to do it) I wud still save the state 3-6K per month by doing this X 8.7ys of months...egad I should be a star, in their opinion!!!!....I don't see the logic in it!!! I wanna just say fine she is your problem then.... F#$%^D up "system" I tell ya!!!

What I meant to say above is that my parents did not raise me to go out and earn a living to take care of them. I don't think that in the majority of cases it is because adult children do want to take care of their parents. How many of you have siblings who still in the same city as your parents? Most grow up and move away for different reasons. It's not like it was back in the day when you grew up on a farm, a son gets married and brings his bride to live in the family home with his parents, sister gets married and moves to husband's family home.
Princess~You said it well, my parents had lower income jobs, dad worked in a family run hardware store, mom was a bank teller. Dad's employer invested a portion of the employees earnings in profit sharings. Not everyone has the opportunity to save for retirement especially if their employer has no program available. Today, we have many people working 2-3 part time jobs to support themselves and their family....these are jobs that were once full time positions that offered benefits. Where I work, I see many older people, I say older because they are not 20 something...people in their 40's, and 50's who are getting food stamps because of the recession that started in 2008, many lost their jobs and have not recovered. My point is that when my parents started working as young adults, they were able to stay with the same company until retirement so it was easier to build a nest egg for retirement than it is today. Many people did not put money away because they probably thought they would just die without a slow decline from a illness. It is a difficult situation we are all facing with our aging parents since they are living longer.

I have to add I do it out of love n respect for them tho, and will do it long as I possibly can physically n emotionally (as doing 1000% alone is taking a toll) I may have no choice but to surrender care for her comfort....I just don't like the "cold system" of it!

Guilt.I just have been made to feel so guilty for everything they had to give up for us kids,that I .being the youngest,just assumed the role.Of course my 2 siblings are VERY interested in the imaginary"pot of gold'..I think my dad told all of them about a huge fortune,so we would take care of them when they were old.I never heard about it,and when my dad died a couple of years ago,my sister's son demanded to see the "drawer full of cash and precious metals",I just laughed.They are inthe process of taking me to court over this thing that never existed.Of course they will lose,but what a P.I.T.A...

Wow, my mother wants to go into a nursing home. She told me when I was a teenager that all of her money was for her nursing care. And she has saved quite a bit. Never spent a penny on her kids and was never "there" for us.

So, personally I would love to have a loving mother I could take care of for several years. But I don't. So she will go into a nursing home. And I really don't think I should be judged when she goes. It is her wish and she has made no effort to build a close relationship with either of her children. In fact she has some sort of personality disorder and of course refuses to seek treatment. So no, my mother will not live with me. She doesn't want to.

I'm part of this society and I don't think I owed my parents. My dad told me I didn't owe him anything that everything he did for me was out of love. He just told me to pass it on to my kids, the grandchildren he loved so much. My mother, on the other hand, told me every day I owed her for breathing. She was a real piece of work. I took care of her, like she demanded, but it was a real struggle. What exactly did I owe her when she was verbally abusive, hyper critical, treated everybody on the planet better than she treated me, tried to turn my kids against me, continuously threatened to turn me in for elder abuse if I didn't give in to her demands, disowned me, wrote me and my kids out her will and caused me to hire a lawyer twice to defend myself against her false accusations. And some people judge me because I don't feel I owed her. You didn't live my life. Keep your judgement to yourself, thank you very much.

Madge,I really do love my mum,and want her here.What I do not like is the insistance that I do everything for her.She tries to make trouble between my husband and I too,which must be frustrating as heck for her,because he and I are very tight and I just laugh her comments off.Then she will say,"i know I know,you have to be on your husbands side over mine'.Which really isnt true.I just got back from spending ALL day w/her.Movie,dinner and a ride up to the top of a mountain near here.Tomorrow? She will act like its been weeks since she has been anywhere,and that she is a prisoner here...I appreciate all of the replys tho folks! This is a great place to vent!!Thanks a million times!

My mom worked for many years in
The long term care unit....more than
Half had nobody for the holidays.
At Christmas the girls would pool
Their money to buy slippers pants
Shirts, dresses, last tops, sweaters and
Candy and socks for those who
Received nothing.
My mom hated the party, she would
Always cry.

How could kids not even send a card
Or a gift....it isn't due to the money
They fly to the verious places the
Kids are at.

Ok I'll stop and let you give me a good
Reason as to why

Really depends on the situation, so do some don't some want care in family some don't some people see it as a moral, religious, ethical, financial, personal, guilt induced decision. Some came from abusive homes, and choose to look after aged parents and some came from loving homes and choose to stay as far away as possible from an older relative, it really has so many factors no one answer is possible across the board, money, culture, family of origin, health care systems, and an aging population with greater numbers of older people with increasing health care needs and costs will make this a paramount issue in society world wide soon I imagine.

? qua like the last one for the sheer nuttiness of it. copy ad paste post!

What has become of us if we can't send
A 99 cent Christmas card....it requires no
Further contact from one.

Many old people when it comes close to
Their time, reflect on their lives...this
Can be happy and can be painful, the

Thing ask for the most is forgiveness.
The second is regret.

If you were told you were going to die,

in america we are mostly the only country who does NOT see taking care of our elderly parents as an obligation. I for one do not concider it my obligation to care for my mother in law . She gave birth to my husband and fought an uphill battle to keep him alive as an infant. It is my privialge and my duty as her daughter in law to take care of her when she can not take care of herself. Same goes for my own parents. well , mom now . Dad just passed away . Our parent riased us and provided for us and took care that we had every possiblitly to grow up strong independant adults. Why would you think its not your place to take care of them in return ? when you were learning to walk didnt your mother support you ? when you were growing up didnt your parents support you ? well sister let me be the first to tell you . IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILTY to care for your parents or husbands parents now. Stop being selfish and passing the buck. they were there for you when you needed them . Who is going to take care of YOU when you need it ? do you want your children to turn thier backs on YOU ?