Why does society think we owe our elderly parents?

Whoa DEH 369, I'm not sure who all that was aimed at, but I'll say as a person who is struggling with what I owe my mentally ill parent, I DO support and respect your right to take care of yours. To have parents who were able to truly give you love and a healthy start in life and be able to care for them at the end of life is a blessed thing. No one should say boo to you over using your FMLA, perhaps HR in your company can help? I remember the crap women in one of my old jobs had to take over maternity leave of all things, so yeah this country has a long way to go in supporting the rights we supposedly have.

Because we do...

WE certainly do not owe our parents one little thing as we did not ask to be brought into this world. It is a depressing thing living with your mother who is negative about everything, and mostly inappreciative. Trust me, there is no honor in this, just a parent who believes she is owed. Funny thing, I never got half the nice treatment she gets!

I think to each their own on whether or not they want to take of their aging parents. Personall, I CANNOT imgaine NOT taking care of my parents. They did everything they could to take care of me and I am adopted. They were the best parents they could be and I have moved back in to care for them. What I DETEST, however, is people at work judging me for CHOOSING WITH LOVE to take care of my parents and judging ME for that when I need to take LEGAL Family Medical Leave Act time off to care for my mother. These co-workers could care less about their parents and don't even live in the same state. If you choose not to take care of your parents, DON'T JUDGE those of us who do! Caregiving is not for the weak of heart or mind, and it's hard for me every day to see the changes taking place in my mother. It's emotionally hard and I cry when she's asleep. But I love her and always will and I will see to it that both my parents are fine until the day they pass. For those of you who don't think much of me taking care of my parents since you don't give a damn about yours, I hope you don't expect YOUR children to help you either!! Take care of yourself in your old age - even if you can't move, pee or eat on your own!

My mom is financially stable and lives with me. She has mild to moderate dementia. I will continue to care for her until I know in my heart I can no longer handle it both mentally and physically. If this means that she must spend all of her nest egg on nursing home expenses, so be it. I hope my siblings don't think I will continue to care for mom to the point of unhappiness, feeling exhausted, etc. just so there's inheritance for them at the end because that will probably not happen. My husband and I have saved and planned out our future retirement and I'm not relying on mom's money to save me. My own health and happiness are far more important than worrying about "getting my share." And my mom has always said she doesn't want to be a burden....I will know when the time has come to make the decision to move mom to a nursing home. Do I feel I owe my mom? I want her to enjoy her golden years and have welcomed her into our home and she likes it here. Will I give up my life for who knows how many years when she can no longer do anything for herself? Probably not.....and I don't want that to come across as unloving and selfish.....it's going to be a lot to handle and I just don't think I'll be able to do it....but who knows? Only time will tell.

Alwaysmyduty~As you and others have said and I have this to be true as well...people who have not experienced the abuse we have, refuse to believe it happens. The subject came up some years ago with a group I was talking with, when I said I had been abused...their reaction was that I had an issue being spanked. They just don't get it, nor do they want to get it. I learned I have to be careful who I talk to about the subject because it really angers me when someone says...Get over it. When you add caregiving to the very people who abused you, everything comes back in our memories and the abuse throughout our adult years, (PTSD).

A mom can take care of 6 kids but 6 kids can't take care of one Mom why.I seen this happen over and over.The fact is kids are small and more easy to care for by a young Mother and as they have a lot of engery and ready for the task.In fact it take more to care an older person.Because they have a adult mine,and kids don't think the same. A a lot easy to care for!!

madge1, they may not know, may not want to know but they could keep their judgmental comments to themselves. If we haven't been through enough then we have to read their holier than thou garbage. Some of us have been in counseling or therapy to deal with dysfunctional families, finally make some inroads and then have to face caring for our parent who caused all this heartache. People who judge because we don't want to relive the torment are cruel and ignorant.

Whirlpool, I am not that big of a saint and don't want to be. I will have little to no guilt. I truly understand you. People who don't experience dysfunctional parents just don't understand. How can they?

Those who judge cannot imagine what it is to have had a parent fail you in fundamental ways that have had lifelong negative consequences for your mental and physical health and then be expected to give on a level you were never given to. Am I that big of a saint?...I don't know, guess I'll find out.

Sorry , busy, I didn't mean to come down hard on you. I think you are a kind person and take it to heart when you see others hurting. And it sounds like you made a lot of elders very happy. Maybe after a break you can do it another year. And I will try to extend my own helping hand as well.

So, yeah, just really crabby, here. I apologise.

So , busy, it would seem you do understand why these kids do not see their parents as you walked away from them as well. You saw the tears and the need for love but still walked away. Their kids can at least pretend their parents are happy--make up lies for themselves -yet you saw the truth and walked away. Judge not....
Perhaps we should take care of each other as a society. See a person in need--lend a hand, see your elder neighbor alone- sit with him, see a resident without a visitor-visit them. We do not know the stories of their children. Our own hearts can we but follow.

Also---I love my daughter no less knowing she cannot take care of me in my elder years.

I guess we have two situations. The first
Is home care. This can be difficult. There
May not be time, needed resources, ability or
Skill, money...etc. I think we can all
Appreciate that..
But the second is when they re in a nursing
Home. Here there is no responsibility to
The family
You can always walk away.

It is here where I get upset. As I mentioned
Earlier in a post. Oh these people have
Family.....

Why if you live far away, you can't make
it back.....but not even send a card.

I was Santa helper for two years...all I could
Stand to do.
First year I had a couple of delivered to make.
One was a lady with a organic brain problem
...I give her the box, and she asked if
All her kids were dead.

Another lady opened hers...and started crying

She them said....at least you remembered
Me santy


The last year there was a fellow in
Overalls, one leg was missing
Due to amputation due diabetes...
When I got up to him his eyes were
Wet...we talk and he said he just couldn't figure
Out what he did wrong that his kids hater
Him.

The last was a very frail lady. You could
See she was not long for this world.
The girls pick out a top and sweater in
Her favorite color...the girls made
The ticket out that it was from her children.
She cried, they remembered me...she passed
Away about a week later....
the other was a lady who had organic
Brain disease....we had a gift...come
To find out the kids could not stand
To see her that way.....which I guess
I could understand.....but not send
Anything.



I could not do it a third year.....it bothered
Me too much.

I forgot to say that I could not stop visiting under these circumstances but can see how hard it would be to do so.

I want to share with all of you that I have an aunt in PA, my mom's sister who has Alzheimer's. She is 92, lives in a NH and has been on a feeding tube for 12 years now. I wonder how often my cousins visit her since she is non-resposive to sound or touch. I would think it is very difficult to visit a loved one under those circumstances. I am so glad my parents both made it clear they did not want to live that way. My cousin (the daughter of my aunt had a stroke, she is in her 70's) it must be very hard for her putting her health first but knowing her mother is in this condition. I do not know my cousin or the circumstances as to why my aunt was put on a feeding tube. I can tell you that my aunt and two uncles on mom's side, all developed Alzheimer's. Half of my mom's sibs have had Alzheimer's...all these sibs live into their 80's the other 4 died earlier from other illnesses. Very sad!!

There are probably 10 or 20 different stories to explain why someone in the nursing home gets no visitors. All her relatives and friends may be dead! His kids may be total selfish bastards. Or maybe he was a total bastard to his kids! It's still very sad to end your life alone, whether you deserved it or not.

Simply giving your genes to someone, or even simply carrying someone for 9 months, doesn't give you the right to expect 10 or 40 years of care from your offspring. I had wonderful parents, and feel cheated that my mother passed so quickly that I never got to care for her. During the short time I was caring for my father, he was sometimes very verbally abusive, but I could ignore that because of the previous 50 years of love. On the other hand, my BFF's mother was monstrous in her "mothering." My BFF made sure she got the care she needed, and visited at least monthly. She really disliked going, but she did it. I admired her for doing it, but would have understood if she had done much less.

I think that people have a responsibility to take care of their parents, unless the parents were pretty awful. I think that "taking care of" doesn't have to mean giving your parents everything they demand, or destroying your own family, health and finances. I think that children who abandon their parents without a darn good reason, who foist their care off onto siblings, are not to be respected or admired. I think that some, not all, parents who get abandoned, made their own bed and now have to lie in it.

I personally regard this time in my life as an honor. Even though it is extremely hard, both physically and emotionally, it is so worth it. Every day is a gift. Sometimes the gift is in a smile...and sometimes in a diaper, but non the less a gift. I would give anything to spend a few years taking care of my Dad that passed so young. I would give everything to be taking care of my child that died at 20. Being available and able to make Moms last years longer and more pleasurable is the greatest gift I have ever been given. (besides my grand-children, of course.) ;)

in america we are mostly the only country who does NOT see taking care of our elderly parents as an obligation. I for one do not concider it my obligation to care for my mother in law . She gave birth to my husband and fought an uphill battle to keep him alive as an infant. It is my privialge and my duty as her daughter in law to take care of her when she can not take care of herself. Same goes for my own parents. well , mom now . Dad just passed away . Our parent riased us and provided for us and took care that we had every possiblitly to grow up strong independant adults. Why would you think its not your place to take care of them in return ? when you were learning to walk didnt your mother support you ? when you were growing up didnt your parents support you ? well sister let me be the first to tell you . IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILTY to care for your parents or husbands parents now. Stop being selfish and passing the buck. they were there for you when you needed them . Who is going to take care of YOU when you need it ? do you want your children to turn thier backs on YOU ?

What has become of us if we can't send
A 99 cent Christmas card....it requires no
Further contact from one.

Many old people when it comes close to
Their time, reflect on their lives...this
Can be happy and can be painful, the

Thing ask for the most is forgiveness.
The second is regret.

If you were told you were going to die,

? qua like the last one for the sheer nuttiness of it. copy ad paste post!

Really depends on the situation, so do some don't some want care in family some don't some people see it as a moral, religious, ethical, financial, personal, guilt induced decision. Some came from abusive homes, and choose to look after aged parents and some came from loving homes and choose to stay as far away as possible from an older relative, it really has so many factors no one answer is possible across the board, money, culture, family of origin, health care systems, and an aging population with greater numbers of older people with increasing health care needs and costs will make this a paramount issue in society world wide soon I imagine.

My mom worked for many years in
The long term care unit....more than
Half had nobody for the holidays.
At Christmas the girls would pool
Their money to buy slippers pants
Shirts, dresses, last tops, sweaters and
Candy and socks for those who
Received nothing.
My mom hated the party, she would
Always cry.

How could kids not even send a card
Or a gift....it isn't due to the money
They fly to the verious places the
Kids are at.

Ok I'll stop and let you give me a good
Reason as to why

Madge,I really do love my mum,and want her here.What I do not like is the insistance that I do everything for her.She tries to make trouble between my husband and I too,which must be frustrating as heck for her,because he and I are very tight and I just laugh her comments off.Then she will say,"i know I know,you have to be on your husbands side over mine'.Which really isnt true.I just got back from spending ALL day w/her.Movie,dinner and a ride up to the top of a mountain near here.Tomorrow? She will act like its been weeks since she has been anywhere,and that she is a prisoner here...I appreciate all of the replys tho folks! This is a great place to vent!!Thanks a million times!

I'm part of this society and I don't think I owed my parents. My dad told me I didn't owe him anything that everything he did for me was out of love. He just told me to pass it on to my kids, the grandchildren he loved so much. My mother, on the other hand, told me every day I owed her for breathing. She was a real piece of work. I took care of her, like she demanded, but it was a real struggle. What exactly did I owe her when she was verbally abusive, hyper critical, treated everybody on the planet better than she treated me, tried to turn my kids against me, continuously threatened to turn me in for elder abuse if I didn't give in to her demands, disowned me, wrote me and my kids out her will and caused me to hire a lawyer twice to defend myself against her false accusations. And some people judge me because I don't feel I owed her. You didn't live my life. Keep your judgement to yourself, thank you very much.

Wow, my mother wants to go into a nursing home. She told me when I was a teenager that all of her money was for her nursing care. And she has saved quite a bit. Never spent a penny on her kids and was never "there" for us.

So, personally I would love to have a loving mother I could take care of for several years. But I don't. So she will go into a nursing home. And I really don't think I should be judged when she goes. It is her wish and she has made no effort to build a close relationship with either of her children. In fact she has some sort of personality disorder and of course refuses to seek treatment. So no, my mother will not live with me. She doesn't want to.

Guilt.I just have been made to feel so guilty for everything they had to give up for us kids,that I .being the youngest,just assumed the role.Of course my 2 siblings are VERY interested in the imaginary"pot of gold'..I think my dad told all of them about a huge fortune,so we would take care of them when they were old.I never heard about it,and when my dad died a couple of years ago,my sister's son demanded to see the "drawer full of cash and precious metals",I just laughed.They are inthe process of taking me to court over this thing that never existed.Of course they will lose,but what a P.I.T.A...

I have to add I do it out of love n respect for them tho, and will do it long as I possibly can physically n emotionally (as doing 1000% alone is taking a toll) I may have no choice but to surrender care for her comfort....I just don't like the "cold system" of it!

What I meant to say above is that my parents did not raise me to go out and earn a living to take care of them. I don't think that in the majority of cases it is because adult children do want to take care of their parents. How many of you have siblings who still in the same city as your parents? Most grow up and move away for different reasons. It's not like it was back in the day when you grew up on a farm, a son gets married and brings his bride to live in the family home with his parents, sister gets married and moves to husband's family home.
Princess~You said it well, my parents had lower income jobs, dad worked in a family run hardware store, mom was a bank teller. Dad's employer invested a portion of the employees earnings in profit sharings. Not everyone has the opportunity to save for retirement especially if their employer has no program available. Today, we have many people working 2-3 part time jobs to support themselves and their family....these are jobs that were once full time positions that offered benefits. Where I work, I see many older people, I say older because they are not 20 something...people in their 40's, and 50's who are getting food stamps because of the recession that started in 2008, many lost their jobs and have not recovered. My point is that when my parents started working as young adults, they were able to stay with the same company until retirement so it was easier to build a nest egg for retirement than it is today. Many people did not put money away because they probably thought they would just die without a slow decline from a illness. It is a difficult situation we are all facing with our aging parents since they are living longer.

NOt reading thru the thread just commenting on the title....I can say straight from the social workers mouth the state told me their view was "it is a child duty to care for their parent and that is why system is way it is".....not everyone's parents were able to secure the future financially, and it is the child's responsibility to deal with that aftermath!It irked me to hear that tho.....the way I look at it, if they could throw me some healthcare and a tiny salary (without taking all of moms monthly income to do it) I wud still save the state 3-6K per month by doing this X 8.7ys of months...egad I should be a star, in their opinion!!!!....I don't see the logic in it!!! I wanna just say fine she is your problem then.... F#$%^D up "system" I tell ya!!!

Americans have a different way of looking at eldercare than Europeans and Asian cultures---it is almost expected to have Grandma and Grandpa as part of the family , so for these families, your cards are already dealt.
Here in the US, unless you emigrated here, we are rather conditioned to the idea that nursing homes and assisted living places are acceptable ways to deal with your aging parents. Of course, not every one is well heeled and the cost associated with these places is out of reach for many as in our own family. My in-law had lower class jobs, never had investments or bought a home, and really had no concepts at all regarding investments or how to save money. So, with my widowed mother in law, who basically lives on SS and virtually no savings of any kind, we have found a townhome with affordable rent and have in-home hourly care for her that is paid for out her own monies. When her monies are totally exhausted, she will go to a Medicaid facility.
I have no guilt nor do I have any intentions of depleting the retirement savings I and my husband so diligently worked for over the last 30 years. I knew this was on the horizon when I first met my in-laws years ago and saw how they lived with no care other than to see what winning lottery numbers came up daily. I think of a fable about the ant and the grasshopper ---I am sure all of you have heard of it. I have made provisions to never be a burden to my son or daughter and already told each of them that I don't expect them to be saddled with our care. When I read the stories on this site of the heart wrenching frustrations , illness , depression and exhaustion of you caregivers, you are truly a remarkable bunch of people and my utmost respect and admiration goes out to you. Please don't think me cold and indifferent either---we take Mom out every Friday for dinner, have her over the house and take her to the doctors when necessary. In our hearts and minds, she is getting the care and attention she needs at this stage of her life.