Why does society think we owe our elderly parents?

I agree with the original poster that our society does feel it's the duty of grown children to take of their elderly parents. The first thing you hear if an elderly person is left alone or is not being cared for properly is: "Bu where are her children?" And I think there are lots of reasons for that, from simple to very complicated.

The most basic reason is that, after a point, the children are generally the only ones left for the parent to rely on. The spouse is deceased or too impaired to provide care, friends have died or are also elderly, kids are younger and generally healthier, and it's possible to make a case that they are obligated because in most cases they received some care and support from their parents in the past. So basically somebody has to take care of the elderly, and most of the time there are no decent candidates except their kids.

Now some of the more complicated reasons. Society doesn't want to bear the expense of taking care of the elderly, so "family care" is touted as the ideal because it's seen as free. The actual costs are being borne silently by individuals who are giving up their plans, goals, income, leisure, health and sanity to do the caregiving that saves the larger society from having to think about it (or pay for it or provide for it). The lack of resources other than the family pretty much forces adult children to shoulder the burden whether they want to or not.

Then there's the perspective of the elders themselves. Why do they believe their children are obligated to take care of them? I think it's because they won't accept that they either need to be responsible and provide for their own old age or they need to accept the consequences of failing to do so. My mother wants and wanted to have it both ways: retire early on a meager income, spend every cent that came through her hands from her parents' inheritance and my father's life insurance, but still live on her own in a nice house in the suburbs, with cleaning and maintenance and transportation provided by...well, it has to be her kids since she can't afford to pay anyone.

I personally don't agree that grown children are obligated to rescue their parents from their own failure to take responsibility for themselves, but the system is set up in such a way that it's almost impossible to avoid it (and yes, most people will denounce you if you walk away no matter how justified you are).

I think if adult children live in the area of their elderly folks and do not visit, offer to at least do something every once in a while, etc., the adult children should do the honorable thing and ask the parents to be taken out of the will. Some adult children have strong feelings about NOT helping out, yet these same adult children paradoxically have strong feelings about getting their share of the inheritance.

Ooooh Whitney I wouldnt go that far at all. The will of the the individual is just what it says on the tin - it is their will not necessarily based upon the service given by the children. I wouldnt want my son to visit or support me nor my daughter for that matter. I would prefer, if it was ever made legal, to determine that now is my time to go so please let me go. I dont want to be reliant on others but sadly live in a society where this is not possible ....perhaps I should have been an ancient eskimo. As I have posted before a parent "signs up" to care - offspring don't get given the choice if there is going to be an expectation that they will care. Right now I resent not having the right to determine what will happen to me. before anyone says it I am not depressed at all it's just my philosophy on my life, and always has been xxx

JudeAH53, you're not alone w/your philosophy. I don't have children, and wouldn't want to rely on them anyway. I hope that whatever financial resources I have left when I get to be too old/infirm to care for myself can be put to good use for others, helping people thrive -- NOT propping me up when it's obvious to everyone that I've "stayed long enough at the party," if you know what I'm saying. I try to have a very healthy attitude about life, death, the meaning of it all -- this isn't me being morbid.

It's interesting that some people think I'm crazy for taking care of mom. One person said 'well, eventually you will have to put her in a home'. Maybe, but I am not sure that she would get better care. She is pretty easy. We talk about that when she thinks it's terrible that someone has to take care of her. I am NOT a saint. If she was mean & ornery & demanding she would be in a NH but we get along fine & she spent many years caring for other people. I guess I can do it for her. The way I look at it is this. God has given me many many great things in my life & He hasn't given me a lot of bad things. If this is the payment for the life I've been blessed with, well, I got a deal.

I am so angry about having to care for my mother.. I know she worked hard as a single mom.. but she had a decent job and home of her own..her funds have
run out..
I went thru a divorce never saw a dime of child support, then lost my full time job, used up my 401k thought 2 years ago after filing bankruptcy Id be able to start a new life...HA!!!!!!!!!!!
. Now I have no income ( I know I should be thankful that I have a roof over my head even if its all in need of serious fixing. ( its moms house) but im resentful.. I have no income.. a kid in college. I will have no SS when I get old.. I have sworn I will never put my daughter in the situation !!!!
by the time mom passes.. I wont be able to keep the house. or get an apartment. ( no $$$ no credit no job ) lack of work skills now and Im going to be 53 in week,, Whats to be come of me????????
I yell at mother that im just fading away,, I have no life of my own and im scared as h*ll......

All ancient religious texts tell us to honor the elderly. Of course when they were written, being old was a rare treasure. Social Security was invented to take the financial burden off of children so they could keep grandma without starving their children during the Great Depression.
Nowhere have I seen it written that you must work yourself to death taking care of them, yet 30% of caregivers do. Society does not expect you to kill yourself for ANY reason. Don't confuse "society" with what you see on TV. They are not the same thing.

It's a very hard thing to be angry also. It makes one feel like a bad person. But when a person spends 18-25 years or so raising children, thinking ah yes, now I get to have a little my time, then 5-10 years later, t find themselves taking care of folks. & that scary statistic that a third of us will die before they do. Any way. It's a very good thing to be able to put stuff down here with less guilt feelings anyway.

Nobody says you have to look after your parent especially at the cost of your own welfare. I worked until I was 73 to be able to provide well for myself in old age. I do what I can for my mother, largely at arm's length as she is mentally ill. She is well cared for in an ALF. No way could or would I do hands on caregiving at any point.

sanity - could you look for a part time job to bring in some income for yourself and get you out of the house or can your mum not be left alone?

What ever happened to save for a rainy day that our parents who were raised during the Great Depression kept trying to instill in us?. Believe me, I listened and so did my sig other. We are ready for old age.

I had a co-worker who was in her mid-70's that I use to pick up and drive her to work. She had wished she could go back in time and saved money instead of spending like there was no tomorrow. She was terrified that she would lose her job and not be able to afford secondary health insurance.

Now a days I read how the younger generation isn't saving money, they are so busy buying stuff, which is good for the economy but what is going to happen to them once they become elderly?

I have taken care of both of my parents for over 5 years. It is exhausting and
I am at the point of a complete breakdown. I have been at every emergency room and hospital in the city. My mom is now in hospice - and I am glad that I have some help in dealing with her health issues - but I am the one responsible for all of the decisions. My father is 91 - completely deaf and a completely self- centered. After I sat with with my mom for hours after her latest stroke last night, he wanted to make sure that I had his tax information together and to make sure I would get his ice cream and a then a long list of things he needed. I think that I would feel better about giving up close to 6 years of my life - if I felt it was appreciated. It is usually a long list of things that I have not done. There is something wrong with 60 and 70 year old people taking care of 80 and 90 year old people. It is no wonder a third of the caregivers die before the people they are taking care of. Their parents just wear them out and it is the only way to get a break. I don't feel guilty - I've done all I can possibly do and then some.
When I opted to move them here and into my home it wasn't because I owed them. I loved my mom and was worried about her. I felt it was the right thing to do. I just didn't realize what I was getting into. Now, I know. Unfortunately it is 6 years too late to make a plan that would have helped my parents and left me with some semblance of a life.

Ive been reading and gritting my teeth here so I do have to put forward an argument.
I raised 2 children alone after my husband and I divorced and had to work damned hard just to put food on the table. one went to university so again more costs. I was jsut getting onmy feet and bought my own house when 6 months later I was made redundnant and ended up in a negative equity situation. I worked 3 jobs and saved enough for a deposit and was made redundant again. Finally I got a management position again redundancy and again a loss. I had to move to the capital with all the associated higher costs and struggled to make ends meet. E£ventually I got a really good job and could afford to buy a flat. 3 years later the house market slumped and then my daughter had a nervous breakdown from staying in the same house as my incredibly demanding mother - we didnt know then it was dementia but I suspected as much. Mum had a serious fall, my work wouldn't let me have the time off to care for her. Ended up selling the flat at a serious loss (about $50 000 loss to be exact) to come and care for her. She wouldnt support me in fact charged me what is in your money $350 a month plus food to live there. Our government didnt pay me that much and I stilll needed a car to get Mum around (which again she wouldnt pay for). Eventually having spent my savings I went back to work but couldnt manage 32.5 hours part time work plus a furthe 60 ish hours with her. At 62 I have hardly any pension and am stuck in the rut BUT would I do it again? Yep she is my Mum at the end of the day . If I put her into a care facility they will sell the house from under me so I do understand how you could feel angry. I don't feel angry - mad as a March hare maybe but not angry - it serves no purpose and just increases your stress levels. I suppose I need to look for a rich husband .pppffff not a chance I would rather be allowed to die when I choose - not being given that right...now that makes me angry

I have looked after my Mom with absolutely no regrets. I have been looking out for her since my father died when I was four. This might sound stupid but I've often thought that was my purpose here on earth (to look after my mom).

I have six siblings and yet have always been the one. Now my Mom is in a nursing home and although I don't have control over her care anymore I still feel a responsibility to her. Its never even crossed my mind that this is not the way it was supposed to be. Although I sometimes resent my siblings lack of involvement I guess it never crossed their minds that they should help since its been my job for so long.

But I love my Mother dearly and she has never been demanding or selfish which is another reason why I never resent the small sacrifices I have had to make.

I agree with you southerngirl, but as my mom gets older and sicker, I am grieving because she is not the mom she used to be and because she is suffering so. She wants to go and be with the Lord and he is not taking her is what she says. I tell her it's not your time yet he will when it is your time, mom. But this is sososososo hard. I keep thinking about my own kids that I do not want to burden them after going through this with my mom. They say I don't have a choice but I pray I don't get to the point where I am so totally dependent on my kids. I want to be there for them to help them in any way I can as their kids grow up. Growing old is hard I don't care what anyone says.

I do think society has expectations for familes to help care for their elders but I think it's a complicated subject. Sometimes I think we have a warped view of what care is and people get pressured into thinking they are obligated to do far more than they might choose to do without this outside pressure. Yes there are those who freely and willingly sacrifice above and beyond to provide care but I think there are many who feel pressured into it and that is unhealthy.

I was at a meeting last night and a woman spoke about her years caring for her Mom who had AD. She said her focus on her mother was all consuming and caused her to neglect her own daughter and husband which took a heavy toll on her daughter. She said she now realizes her devotion to her mothers care went far beyond what was needed and she wished she could have seen that at the time. Hearing her story was such a blessing to me. I always admired her and was touched by her honesty. I have been struggling with "doing the right thing" by my parents and looking to others to tell me what that is. Between reading all the stories on this forum and finally hearing this woman speak I think I finally understand that HOW we care for our elderly parents is a personal decision and we should not hold ourselves to outside standards when we make those choices. If I let others judge me then I will feel free to judge others. That's just a vicious cycle that makes everything harder.

Oops I hit a wrong button

HOW we care for our elderly parents is a personal decision and we should not hold ourselves to outside standards when we make those choices.

Amen -Trying

burnedout13, I agree with you that seniors shouldn't be taking care of older seniors. Good heavens, who is going to pick ME up when I fall? I know my parents who are in their 90's couldn't. That is why I told my parents when the time comes when they need hands-on physical care, that I am too old to do that.... I have my own age related decline, and I also fall asleep in front of the TV. My parents still reside in their 3 level single family home, which is NOT elder proof... scared me silly... no wonder I have mini-breakdowns :(

My Dad is also clueless about my Mom's health... out of curiously I asked him what pills does Mom take... he had no clue.... asked him how are Mom's eyes doing with her macular degeneration... he didn't know she had that.... [sigh]. But my Mom knows exactly what pills Dad takes, the dosage and what time he should take them... she can even tell you the exact date of when Dad had his flu shot... all his doctor's names and the last time Dad saw those doctors.

My dad is also clueless about my mom's health. He is deaf so he can't hear
the late stage dementia utterances. She started taking all her clothes off in
the living room and he had no idea that she was almost completely undressed.
He always says he thinks she is looking better and as long as she is eating and does not have a temperature, she is probably healthy. Two nights ago I sat with her after her latest stroke and all he could talk about was his tax forms. I tried to explain to him how ill his wife of 70 years is and that she might have to be moved and he said she had some Ensure today and she no longer has a temperature so all is good. After that all about the taxes. Last night when I sat with her - he came in 5 times to tell me to come in there and look for a statement for his taxes. Perhaps he is in denial - but as well as I know my dad, his money is the most important thing in his life. He will tell everyone - just get her anything she needs and then tells me - I am not paying for that. I need to have him evaluated and take over their finances - but I don't have the energy for the fight. I am always amazed that he wants me to handle all of the medical decisions for him and for my mom and to track all of the medical expenses and
hospital bills but refuses to allow me to make any decisions about their finances. So again, he trusts me with life and death situations but not with anything that might cost him some money. I know that he won't ever change - I mean heck he has been this way his whole adult life. I always thought that in crisis situations, people might have an epiphany and become better people - now I realize that some people just become more of who they are. I guess my life lesson continues to be that nothing that you do can change someone. At my age, I should have learned that a long time ago. But hope does spring eternal.

burnedout13, your Dad should meet my Dad, they could talk for hours about their income taxes,1099's, and how gasoline use to cost 25 cents, etc. In the mean time, Mom doesn't have Rx insurance because Dad has been too busy with income taxes to sign her up with the new company his retirement group has in place. He should have done that months ago.... [sigh].

I know some people will say why don't I help out with the calling and get my Mom signed up.... sorry, I just can't do that.... it was my parents decision to continue to live in their 3 level home, thus with that decision comes THEIR responsibility to live with that decision. Now, if they had moved to a retirement community, I would have been more than happy to help out with situations such as this.

Well than the same argument could be made for adult children who for some reason job loss, bad choices in life, etc....need help from their parents.

I know of a few situations(I'm sure we all do) where you have an adult child who gets divoreced, laid off, made poor financial decisions and is now reliant on elderly parents.

Or how about grandparents who are raising their grandchildren because their child is incapable of doing so. How about that?

Should the parents say "well once you turned 18 you're on your own".

Everyone's situation is different, IMO if you have good parents who took care of you, you step up to the plate.

I thought a bit more seriously on this subject and realize that even we caregivers have the expectation that family cares for family. Sometimes we see on here about how a neighbor is caring for an elder and we ask where the children are. I do the same thing myself. The big question is that, with people living to an older age, if children don't care for their elders, then who will. We are all new to dealing with longer lives coupled with mobile families and working women. I checked old life expectancy records and saw that early last century life expectancy was only 50. The main concerns seem to be the widows of men that died. Apparently men were generally working up until the time of death and the women didn't have support after they were gone. That was interesting.

It is a different world now, with the children of a marriage scattered about. Women work, so aren't available all day long. Couples have retirement dreams that include traveling, instead of gardening and picket fences. And elders are living 10-40 years longer than they used to, many times with health problems.

A main problem I see in the US is that end-of-life care costs so much. Even with a good LTC policy, who can afford 10 years of care? From what I've seen, most LTC policies are very expensive and only help cover 2-3 years. If the children don't help, then who will? Maybe if all the children helped, it would be easier. But it is usually just one that does the lion's share.

So I don't really know if society thinks children owe the parents, I think that they know the elders need someone and family is the only logical answer.

What is going to be difficult is that today you see couples who have just one child compared to back in my parents generation where families were having 4 or more children.

And couples who never were blessed with children, my gosh I know quite a few couples with no children, including myself. Now what? Those of us with no children have to save like crazy and be very fugal to have money to pay for that help. No shopping until we drop.

I don't have any kids, so maybe I'll have to go to Alaska and walk out on the ice. Did you know it was legal up until the 1980s for people to walk out onto the ice? I started thinking about our distaste for offing ourselves these days, then thought of how natives of North America had a custom of leaving their tribes when they had become a burden to them. For myself, maybe it's not such a bad idea. Maybe I'll wander out into the woods when I'm old and enjoy the birds and animals until my spirit is called home. I love the romanticism of that so much more than the thought of dying with dirty britches in a NH bed.

But I guess one could have dirty britches sitting out in the forest, too. Ah, well. I still like the romanticism.

i seriously aint gonna take any crap from aps or crack hars turned home health aids / snitches . when im done carrying a brick hammer on my side i plan to replace it with a laser pointer ice pick . if the red dot falls on you its time to leave the old guy the hell alone .
i think i could survive in my bunker with a total of 0 brain cells . im doing it now with only three ..

I don't know that we " owe" it to our parents, but more that as family, we are the logical folks to see to their care. The big sticking point is the subjective interpretation of " taking care." I can't personally provide my mom with the 24/7 care she needs, and even if I could work out a way with caregivers, it would prevent me from providing needed care to help my husband and to help my FIL. When I hear the noble concept of " they took care of you so now it's your turn to take care of them", I think people miss that many are not able to focus all their caregiving energy on one person when they have others to care for as well.

And let's not forget that for many of us, the person that others try to guilt us into personally caring for is the very person who is most toxic to our physical and emotional health.

Jessie, one business associate that I know said what she is going to do is during hunting season is dress up as a deer and run through the woods.

With people living so much longer, imagine someone in their early 60's having to take care of her own mother and father, plus her husband's mother and father, plus two sets of grandparents under the same roof.... YIKES.... mission impossible.

"When I hear the noble concept of " they took care of you so now it's your turn to take care of them", I think people miss that many are not able to focus all their caregiving energy on one person when they have others to care for as well."

I think people who say that are missing a lot of stuff. Like the fact that when we were young, we were given no choice about the amount and kind of care we were given, or where or when or how it was given. Many of our parents seem to have set up situations where they want a certain lifestyle and amenities and they need us to step in and maintain it for them. They insist on living someplace where you need a car to get anywhere, then set up a schedule of when they want to go out to stores, hairdresser, library, etc. and expect us to be available to drive them. We NEVER would have gotten away with such antics when we were kids. As kids, we also hadn't had a lifetime to earn money and plan for our own dependent years. We were brand new and without resources. Whereas many of our parents failed to save and wasted resources and are now looking to us to be some sort of captive unpaid workforce to maintain their lifestyle. Stepping up in an emergency is one thing. Being made responsible for a parent's poor habits, poor choices, or unrealistic expectations of life, is another thing altogether.