Why does society think we owe our elderly parents?

I personally regard this time in my life as an honor. Even though it is extremely hard, both physically and emotionally, it is so worth it. Every day is a gift. Sometimes the gift is in a smile...and sometimes in a diaper, but non the less a gift. I would give anything to spend a few years taking care of my Dad that passed so young. I would give everything to be taking care of my child that died at 20. Being available and able to make Moms last years longer and more pleasurable is the greatest gift I have ever been given. (besides my grand-children, of course.) ;)

There are probably 10 or 20 different stories to explain why someone in the nursing home gets no visitors. All her relatives and friends may be dead! His kids may be total selfish bastards. Or maybe he was a total bastard to his kids! It's still very sad to end your life alone, whether you deserved it or not.

Simply giving your genes to someone, or even simply carrying someone for 9 months, doesn't give you the right to expect 10 or 40 years of care from your offspring. I had wonderful parents, and feel cheated that my mother passed so quickly that I never got to care for her. During the short time I was caring for my father, he was sometimes very verbally abusive, but I could ignore that because of the previous 50 years of love. On the other hand, my BFF's mother was monstrous in her "mothering." My BFF made sure she got the care she needed, and visited at least monthly. She really disliked going, but she did it. I admired her for doing it, but would have understood if she had done much less.

I think that people have a responsibility to take care of their parents, unless the parents were pretty awful. I think that "taking care of" doesn't have to mean giving your parents everything they demand, or destroying your own family, health and finances. I think that children who abandon their parents without a darn good reason, who foist their care off onto siblings, are not to be respected or admired. I think that some, not all, parents who get abandoned, made their own bed and now have to lie in it.

I want to share with all of you that I have an aunt in PA, my mom's sister who has Alzheimer's. She is 92, lives in a NH and has been on a feeding tube for 12 years now. I wonder how often my cousins visit her since she is non-resposive to sound or touch. I would think it is very difficult to visit a loved one under those circumstances. I am so glad my parents both made it clear they did not want to live that way. My cousin (the daughter of my aunt had a stroke, she is in her 70's) it must be very hard for her putting her health first but knowing her mother is in this condition. I do not know my cousin or the circumstances as to why my aunt was put on a feeding tube. I can tell you that my aunt and two uncles on mom's side, all developed Alzheimer's. Half of my mom's sibs have had Alzheimer's...all these sibs live into their 80's the other 4 died earlier from other illnesses. Very sad!!

I forgot to say that I could not stop visiting under these circumstances but can see how hard it would be to do so.

I guess we have two situations. The first
Is home care. This can be difficult. There
May not be time, needed resources, ability or
Skill, money...etc. I think we can all
Appreciate that..
But the second is when they re in a nursing
Home. Here there is no responsibility to
The family
You can always walk away.

It is here where I get upset. As I mentioned
Earlier in a post. Oh these people have
Family.....

Why if you live far away, you can't make
it back.....but not even send a card.

I was Santa helper for two years...all I could
Stand to do.
First year I had a couple of delivered to make.
One was a lady with a organic brain problem
...I give her the box, and she asked if
All her kids were dead.

Another lady opened hers...and started crying

She them said....at least you remembered
Me santy


The last year there was a fellow in
Overalls, one leg was missing
Due to amputation due diabetes...
When I got up to him his eyes were
Wet...we talk and he said he just couldn't figure
Out what he did wrong that his kids hater
Him.

The last was a very frail lady. You could
See she was not long for this world.
The girls pick out a top and sweater in
Her favorite color...the girls made
The ticket out that it was from her children.
She cried, they remembered me...she passed
Away about a week later....
the other was a lady who had organic
Brain disease....we had a gift...come
To find out the kids could not stand
To see her that way.....which I guess
I could understand.....but not send
Anything.



I could not do it a third year.....it bothered
Me too much.

So , busy, it would seem you do understand why these kids do not see their parents as you walked away from them as well. You saw the tears and the need for love but still walked away. Their kids can at least pretend their parents are happy--make up lies for themselves -yet you saw the truth and walked away. Judge not....
Perhaps we should take care of each other as a society. See a person in need--lend a hand, see your elder neighbor alone- sit with him, see a resident without a visitor-visit them. We do not know the stories of their children. Our own hearts can we but follow.

Also---I love my daughter no less knowing she cannot take care of me in my elder years.

Sorry , busy, I didn't mean to come down hard on you. I think you are a kind person and take it to heart when you see others hurting. And it sounds like you made a lot of elders very happy. Maybe after a break you can do it another year. And I will try to extend my own helping hand as well.

So, yeah, just really crabby, here. I apologise.

Those who judge cannot imagine what it is to have had a parent fail you in fundamental ways that have had lifelong negative consequences for your mental and physical health and then be expected to give on a level you were never given to. Am I that big of a saint?...I don't know, guess I'll find out.

Whirlpool, I am not that big of a saint and don't want to be. I will have little to no guilt. I truly understand you. People who don't experience dysfunctional parents just don't understand. How can they?

madge1, they may not know, may not want to know but they could keep their judgmental comments to themselves. If we haven't been through enough then we have to read their holier than thou garbage. Some of us have been in counseling or therapy to deal with dysfunctional families, finally make some inroads and then have to face caring for our parent who caused all this heartache. People who judge because we don't want to relive the torment are cruel and ignorant.

A mom can take care of 6 kids but 6 kids can't take care of one Mom why.I seen this happen over and over.The fact is kids are small and more easy to care for by a young Mother and as they have a lot of engery and ready for the task.In fact it take more to care an older person.Because they have a adult mine,and kids don't think the same. A a lot easy to care for!!

Alwaysmyduty~As you and others have said and I have this to be true as well...people who have not experienced the abuse we have, refuse to believe it happens. The subject came up some years ago with a group I was talking with, when I said I had been abused...their reaction was that I had an issue being spanked. They just don't get it, nor do they want to get it. I learned I have to be careful who I talk to about the subject because it really angers me when someone says...Get over it. When you add caregiving to the very people who abused you, everything comes back in our memories and the abuse throughout our adult years, (PTSD).

My mom is financially stable and lives with me. She has mild to moderate dementia. I will continue to care for her until I know in my heart I can no longer handle it both mentally and physically. If this means that she must spend all of her nest egg on nursing home expenses, so be it. I hope my siblings don't think I will continue to care for mom to the point of unhappiness, feeling exhausted, etc. just so there's inheritance for them at the end because that will probably not happen. My husband and I have saved and planned out our future retirement and I'm not relying on mom's money to save me. My own health and happiness are far more important than worrying about "getting my share." And my mom has always said she doesn't want to be a burden....I will know when the time has come to make the decision to move mom to a nursing home. Do I feel I owe my mom? I want her to enjoy her golden years and have welcomed her into our home and she likes it here. Will I give up my life for who knows how many years when she can no longer do anything for herself? Probably not.....and I don't want that to come across as unloving and selfish.....it's going to be a lot to handle and I just don't think I'll be able to do it....but who knows? Only time will tell.

I think to each their own on whether or not they want to take of their aging parents. Personall, I CANNOT imgaine NOT taking care of my parents. They did everything they could to take care of me and I am adopted. They were the best parents they could be and I have moved back in to care for them. What I DETEST, however, is people at work judging me for CHOOSING WITH LOVE to take care of my parents and judging ME for that when I need to take LEGAL Family Medical Leave Act time off to care for my mother. These co-workers could care less about their parents and don't even live in the same state. If you choose not to take care of your parents, DON'T JUDGE those of us who do! Caregiving is not for the weak of heart or mind, and it's hard for me every day to see the changes taking place in my mother. It's emotionally hard and I cry when she's asleep. But I love her and always will and I will see to it that both my parents are fine until the day they pass. For those of you who don't think much of me taking care of my parents since you don't give a damn about yours, I hope you don't expect YOUR children to help you either!! Take care of yourself in your old age - even if you can't move, pee or eat on your own!

WE certainly do not owe our parents one little thing as we did not ask to be brought into this world. It is a depressing thing living with your mother who is negative about everything, and mostly inappreciative. Trust me, there is no honor in this, just a parent who believes she is owed. Funny thing, I never got half the nice treatment she gets!

Because we do...

Whoa DEH 369, I'm not sure who all that was aimed at, but I'll say as a person who is struggling with what I owe my mentally ill parent, I DO support and respect your right to take care of yours. To have parents who were able to truly give you love and a healthy start in life and be able to care for them at the end of life is a blessed thing. No one should say boo to you over using your FMLA, perhaps HR in your company can help? I remember the crap women in one of my old jobs had to take over maternity leave of all things, so yeah this country has a long way to go in supporting the rights we supposedly have.

DEH369, I am glad you have the relationship with your parent to be able to care for them with love. But please realize all families are not the same. Those of us who have come from dysfuctional families have a very different situation. And to accuse us of being selfish is just more insult to the injury. Try to be a little compassionate please.

Besides as I said before, my mother WANTS to go to a nursing home. Yes, I know that sounds crazy and she is not doing this out of love and concern for her children. She thinks we want her money and this is her way of saying to us, "F You". Neither my brother nor I have ever asked for and taken one red cent from this woman. We cost her nothing except food and shelter, and I mean nothing. She has no friends, treated my father terribly and triangulates her children. So please don't preach to me or those who have a different opinion.

DEH369, I haven't seen one post on here that criticizes you for taking care of your mother with love. Maybe you have us on AC mixed up with the people you work with. If you are entitled to take leave, take it and quit worrying about your coworkers. If they are harassing you, talk to your manager or someone who can help. You have enough stress, why add this to it.
I have never seen it written that just because someone doesn't live in the same state as their parents, they automatically don't care about them. So if they live in the same town, the love meter registers ultimate caring and love? Sounds like YOU are judging, something you say you do not want done to you. You don't know their family dynamics any more than they know yours.
The last two sentences in your post were very unkind and judgmental. You either didn't read every post on this thread or you chose to ignore the fact there are others who were not as fortunate as you are to have a loving mother. It would have been wonderful to have a sweet mom like you have. Unfortunately I, and many others on here, did not.

The post I posted was ENDEMIC TO MY SITUATION AT MY JOB. I thought this was a forum for us to vent, to find respite NOT retaliation. Some of you posting to my post, try to understand this isn't about YOU it's about being able to vent. I don't appreciate your preaching to me either. So please, don't assume what I have to say has anything to do with anyone here on this forum I don't know any of you or your situations which is why my post was JUST for me to get stuff of my back. And for the person above, I actually DO know their family dynamics - they don't give a damn so again, don't judge me - when you do that you are only judging yourself. Now, I need to get back to the hospital room in cardiac care unit where we just admitted my mother yesterday.

It would have been wonderful to have a sweet mom like you have. Unfortunately I, and many others on here, did not.

And P.S. - to that sentence - you don't know my family dynamics as you put it - that wasn't always the case. It's taken years to get over some of her abuse but I've forgiven her and I don't mind the care giving. She always had a good heart - she wasn't always mentally stable until she got on meds.

I'm sorry DEH369 for you feeling so bad. My Mom is currently not hospitalized, but when she goes to the hospital it is very stressful indeed for so many reasons. I enjoy that this is the place to vent and keep doing that and I'm sure you will find people that will have their warranted opinions as well, but all in all, we are basically in the same boat trying to help parents and sometimes it does feel like we are walking backwards. Keep the faith and good things shall come to you.

DEH369~I had the opposite experience with my former dept. manager, she kept telling me family comes first, which it does! But for me, I can't help my family without an income. I made the mistake of telling her the dr. said my mom can't live alone anymore, (we as a family covered mom 24/7 while we waited to get a diagnosis from a neurologist),after I told my manager this, she started scheduling me to work 5 days a week, calling me in on my days off and it was suspicious to me that she started doing that to my schedule as prior to that conversation, I never was called to come in on my days off. I really think she took personal issue with me based on what she would do which is wrong for a manager to do. I commend you for being able to take care of your mother 24/7, I however cannot. Mom is now in assisted living and participates in memory care daily. I am still very responsible towards her care, I visit 2-3 times a week 3 or more hours at a time, we have lunch together, I make sure she gets a shower and washes her hair 2 x a week, mom has her dog living with her so we walk the dog, I do her laundry, take her to all her dr. appts., take the dog to the vet, take the dog in for grooming (a poodle),plus I am going thru mom's house sorting her belongings, getting things ready for an estate sale and we will be selling her house. I was abused by both my parents, dad an alcoholic...mom has a personality disorder that Alzheimer's made worse for a while but now mom is easier to handle as she has progressed. Guess what...if I could reverse time, I would rather have my mom being the abusive nasty person she was a year ago even though it meant I limited my time with her, than the person she is today. I will always be involved in my mom's care...not because I owe her, because I choice to follow what I believe is right for me and my life. I only wish I had more hours and energy to give my loving supportive husband more time. Without my husband's support, I don't know what I would do. I am sorry your mother is in the cardiac unit and I hope it is not too serious...hugs and prayers to you!!

Sharynmarie -

I made the mistake of telling her the dr. said my mom can't live alone anymore, (we as a family covered mom 24/7 while we waited to get a diagnosis from a neurologist),after I told my manager this, she started scheduling me to work 5 days a week, calling me in on my days off and it was suspicious to me that she started doing that to my schedule as prior to that conversation, I never was called to come in on my days off.

WOW - this happened to me too! I wasn't even told we had 12 weeks for FMLA and not just 4 weeks. My boss said he didn't know. Bull!! Then when I realized what was actually covered by my colleagues - it wasn't crap! Then I get the talk I have to be really focused on my job and not screw up now that I've been out a few weeks - are you kidding me? I'm tired, over stressed and none of these co-workers are caregivers, nor would they be. Amazing. I just pray daily that god doesn't give me more than I can handle. Mother is back in hospital and more testing etc...I just wish we could turn back time sometimes. I pray for all caregivers to have strength and call out to angels if you need them. I have to when I wake up crying in a panic. Hope folks have a good day.

DEH~I am concerned too about when I come back. My leave starts monday for 4 weeks, I can't afford to be off more than that. Bosses really can use their power for good or bad and I don't know why they would want to go out of their way to make things difficult for an employee but they can. This is why I chose to use the FMLA instead of going out on disability with pay. FMLA protects my job and my former manager has been transferred to another store. Bosses and managers need to be fair and my former manager even told me that the situation with my mom was not interferring with work but yet she couldn't understand why I worked instead of being a 24/7 caregiver. The least you say to your co-workers and boss about your mother, the better. It really is none of their business and if they ask, just say the issue has been resolved.

Yep - I ain't saying BULL any more except that I need the time off. You try to be open and honest and you get kicked in the gut. I can't afford to lose my job because of obvious reasons plus I pay for me and my husband's health insurance with it. People who don't caregive AND who work have no clue. Hang in there!!

This is such a personal decision. When my mom came to live with us a little over a year ago, she was in fairly good shape. I thought having the family around to chat with and spend time with would be good for her. And to some degree it has. However, in the last few months her physical and mental state has deteriorated dramatically. We're in the process of either hiring a home companion (first resort) or placing my mom in a NH (last resort). She cannot be left home alone while we work (and we have to work) and needs to take her meds and have a TENS unit applied throughout the day. Unfortunately on top of dementia, she has nerve pain from compression fractures, and the pain is becoming almost too difficult to manage here at home anymore. Holy cow - I never knew any one with this condition, and it's a truly miserable condition to have. She wants to stay in bed most of the time, which is understandable but isn't good for her. Plus she balks at eating and drinking, even foods that used to be her favorites; the stress in the situation is becoming a real factor in her care.

So even if you begin to care for your parent with the best of intentions, remember that life causes the best of plans to be re-assessed and adjusted. Just be sure to take care of yourself in the process!

Ooooh so many conflicting views here. I certainly don't deem it an honour to look after my Mum - sorry people but I don't. I am adopted yet she never showed me, or anyone else for that matter, love the way my Dad could show love. She was always critical and he was always supportive and that was unconditional on his part - my mother was a different kettle of fish entirely. They both may have wanted to adopt me but only he loved me as was proved time and time again. She had a child of her own who died and I think she never grieved for him and blamed me for living. However when it came to needs or decision making in later life it was me she turned to. I would never ever turn my back on her however vile she is or has been....I do recognize it is NOW only the illness of Alzheimers, Vascular dementia AND Lewy body dementia that exaggerate her previous behavior beyond all recognition but an honour to do it? Nope not in a million - not for me. I promised my Dad, when he was on his death bed, that I wouldn't put her in a care home and that's a promise TO HIM that I will keep. However had it been the other way round Mum wouldn't have asked and I wouldn't have needed to promise because caring for him WAS an honour and something I was more than happy to do, so much so that I was the only one with him when he gave his last breath god bless him.

I don't think it's about honour or duty it's about how you feel inside about the person you care for, how you were treated by them and a myriad of other things we don't even understand or perhaps recognize. I think that your feelings do change somewhat as the your parent's illnesses deteriorate into something you could never have envisaged when you first agreed to care. For me I don't see her so much as my mother anymore more an elderly person whose needs I meet...sad I know but that is me being honest. If that's bad then I am bad, if it's normal then hell yes I am normal for once!

I think it's very simple. Our parents raised us, fed and clothed us but we did not ruin their lives. (At least in most cases). I think we have an essential obligation to see that are elders are cared for either by us or paid caregivers/facilities. We cannot become consumed with sorrow and guilt as elders age and become mean,selfish and difficult. This is what happens, get over it and deal with it. While cruising around this site I'm always amazed at the abuse people suffered at the hands of their parents as children, and the guilt they feel as caregivers when their parents are still horrible.

I don't see it as an honor nor a debt to be paid to care for my Mom. It's just something that has to be done, and to be done the best I can. I often wish Mom and Dad had discussed with my brother and I how they wanted to be cared for in their old age. Did they want to go into a caregiving facility or did they expect my brother or me to take care of them when they could no longer care for themselves?
I think this is a discussion we should all have with our kids. I know I absolutely DO NOT want my son or his family taking me into their home when I can no longer live on my own. I want to be put in an appropriate care facility and if I'm on any meds I want them stopped. I have an obligation to let my family know what I want done. To me this is as important as filling out that advanced directive!
As far as what society thinks I don't really care. But, I would suggest they not judge too harshly until they've walked a mile in a caregivers shoes.