My Mom is primary caregiver for my Dad who has mid stage dementia. She has been struggling being responsible for managing house, groceries, cleaning. And may not be entirely kind to my father as she is angry with his symptoms: ( forgetful, mood stabilizers are causing to eat all the time and driving up his bloodsugar, sleeping all the time and not washing) My siblings and I all work so we are unable to help as much as she would like, which has caused some tension. She will lay on guilt if we don't drop everything and go over there..or if we schedule a time to do something, she will talk about it incessantly until we do it. They are eligible for services, he's a veteran and they also have money to pay for in-home help..We were working with her to set up those services...but she has found multiple reasons why it doesn't work: The person isn't right, my dad would be bothered by a stranger in house, I don't want anyone running errands, they didn't clean to my standards..the list goes on. We've tried to talk to her about this but she is stubborn. Unfortunately, Trying to do everything, resulted in her having a heart attack. We all jumped in to help, took care of my Dad and her. My sister and her husband moved in with them for a bit while they were selling a home... Thinking it was a win-win, it actually caused ton of tension, lack of control of her environment, resulting in a blow up between my BIL and Mom..and now she's refuses to speak to any of us after trying to reason with her that her control over everything is not sustainable. She viewed as everyone attacking her and now she is refusing calls, and visits.
I'm at my wits end..and as the medical proxy worried about my Dad's care, What to do?
Back off and let her fail.
Work around mom. You're actually lucky that she's shunning you. You're supposed to all grovel, and when you've groveled enough, she'll honor you by letting you back in. But you're going to surprise her by drawing a line this time. YOU don't talk to HER. You disengage from all the helping, honor thy parents barrages, etc.
Since you are medical proxy, you call the county VA offices. Bypass mom. Don't even hint that you're doing it. The less Mrs. Nasty Pants knows, the better off dad is. You talk to a case officer. They will come to the house, or you can take dad to meet the officer at the VA offices, which in my town are in the county courthouse. The officer will fill out forms, submit them, and you take their advice.
No mom needed. Don't reason with her. It's impossible and she is probably unable to reason anymore. She may have dementia, and the heart attack didn't help. Her cognition will probably never be as good as it was.
I'm so sorry, but sometimes you just have to let go of what was and move on to what needs to be. This is one of those times.
Best of luck with a difficult situation.
It's really hard facing end of life decisions and issues. Nobody is going to be happy about it, especially the spouse. Nobody wants to go through it, but we all do not live forever. Why plans should be made earlier to prevent these problems.
It's got to be devastating to watch the negative changes in your spouse, get stuck with all the work and worry, and know the end is near. Parents always expect the adult kids to jump in and help, even if they have their own families. Mom sounds like a controller, so may never give in. They see anyone trying to take their control away as a personal attack or vendetta.
I hope Mom has a chance to get help herself, and accept it gracefully. Easier said than done. Best of luck to your family in getting this resolved.