It's not cold but my 98 yo mother wants the heater on. Says space heater doesn't work and resists layering. It's so hot in here I'm sick to my stomach. How do others deal with this?
I have dealt with this so I feel your pain. It is very difficult to do anything when the heat is so intense. Anyone that dismisses this situation has never been in it. What I did was start to move the temp down by like 1 or 2 degrees. I had to wear shorts and a tank top in the middle of northeastern Pennsylvania in the US. The temp can go below freezing for a few days in the middle of winter and is often at freezing for several months at a time. My husband was always upset because he had to get halfway dressed to go to work on the porch and he would be covered in sweat.
I didn't tell my mom what I was doing but I turned the temp down gradually while I also aimed a space heater at her from the other room. I asked about putting a space heater in the room with her but she has always been against them and I don't know all of the reasons. It's just her house, so she wants it as is. Well, things had to be done around her as we are taking care of her and have to be comfortable as well. My mom and sister also smoked for decades and when I moved in here it was both hot as heck and full of nasty smoke. I put up with it for about 2 years before I laid down the law about the cigarettes. They both had to quit.
My mom was too short and unable to maneuver to the temp controls so she didn't know it was going down 1 or 2 degrees a month. Then we put sweaters on her when she said she was cold and I aimed a space heater at her from behind her. Trust me when I tell you we were not being mean about this. The house had the temp set at 78F which in practice meant the house temp was in the low 80s. I also disabled the radiators in the rooms where my mom doesn't go. So now the heat bills are much less and the temp is still at what I consider a crazy hot 72 but at least it's not 82. The thing is, with age and perhaps a blood thinner, the elderly loved one is NEVER going to feel warm enough. So whether it's 82 or 72 they will likely still be cold.
The idea someone posted here about the heated jacket and stuff like that sounds good, but be advised that you have to be careful if she has diabetes. They tell you not to use an electric blanket on diabetic folks and that's because they might get burned and not notice if they have neuropathy or something like that. So keep an eye on that if you choose to warm her that way. I've never been comfortable with the idea of a heated blanket but I'm even more against it now due to the fear of an accident with urine. I just fear an electrocution. Some people tell you it's nothing to worry about but it's my own personal thing fear with those blankets. Also, they are more likely to catch fire the older they are. The average blanket that causes a fire is usually about 10 years old. I have no info on the heated clothes. But stand firm. Lowering the temp is possible.
Hi! Our elders often grew up at a time when prices were very different. Here at any rate, power was cheap, oil for heaters was cheap (for a while), very few people bothered about double glazing or draft prevention, and for most people on average incomes, turning up the heating was the way to go. ‘Open Plan’ house design meant that you couldn’t even choose which rooms to heat.
It’s all changed a lot, but unfortunately not in their minds. Their own parents and grandparents didn’t have those heating options, so of course never expected an entire room or house to be at 75F degrees. Now at least we have rediscovered doors! Our parents never considered putting on a jumper and some socks, because they never felt cold. Your mother has no incentive to dress differently while the house is keep hot.
It’s far more efficient to heat the person, not the room. An electric blanket is about the most efficient heating you can use. Most 98 year olds spend most of their ‘up’ time sitting in a chair. There are now heating pads to go on the seat, heated throws to snuggle under, and heated ‘things’ to put your feet into. M’s body may not be producing enough heat, but these extras will keep her warm. She may prefer the ‘hot house’, but for most of us now it is not a matter of choice. If you get it all set up, you may even need to fake a power problem so that she has an incentive to use them.
It’s your house too. You are not the only one responsible for making some compromises.
Get a heated recliner. Add a fleece throw and she can stay nice and whole body toasty without the need for overheating the entire house. Google heated lazy boy recliner for several options.
She quite likely will not ever allow you to change that ambient home temperature and you can only adjust yourself to it. Layer your clothing when going there and strip down to prevent overheating. If she'll allow it, open a window and start a fan for some self-reprieve, explain to her that the heat is just unbearable for you and you need to air out the room due to it being 'stuffy.'
This is all too common in the elderly and up until a couple months ago, my Mom (in a MC unit), kept her room at about 85 degrees. Unbearable. Lately, she's not insisting in the long sleeves and sweater in addition to the hothouse temps. She is in renal failure as a contributing factor.
It must be very costly to keep the home so warm, but that is her choice and hopefully, her expense too. Avoid any space heaters or blankets due to safety hazards with one so elderly and go with clothing that retains heat maximally, polar fleece and such.
I have a long thin pillow filled with millet seed (DIY directions or purchase online) that I use as a hot pack on my neck and back; they retain heat for hours after 3-5 mins in a microwave, have to make sure it's not too hot. You might try one of those for her during the time you're visiting; place it on her lap and cover her so that you can breathe and are able to move about without nearly fainting.
I've gotten Mom to allow me to open the door to her room while there because I convey to her how unbearable the heat is and she sees the sweat on my face. Maybe your mom will show you some sympathy if you let her know how truly unbearable the heat is for you.
You don't say whether you live together, if so, I sympathize with you and advise keeping your room and primary spaces as ventilated as possible and maybe use a personal fan for air on your face.
Thank you. I typed the original question on my mobile late at night using two fingers, so I left out a few key points. I live with her 24/7 and have for the past 3 years (which covers the entire COVID thing). I do all the housework, yardwork, cooking, shopping and chauffeuring. That means I'm up constantly moving/working and there's only so much clothing I can take off. She is in excellent mental and physical health, and financially comfortable. At my urging and with her doctor's blessing, she walks around the house for five minutes twice a day. Otherwise, she sits in her LZBoy, watches TV and complains about being cold. The heating is central gas-powered forced air. That means hot, dry (and noisy) air blowing as the system cycles on and off to maintain the set temperature. I'm okay with 72, but 75 is unbearable, partly because it cycles on more frequently. BTW, it's a brand-new thermostat, the ducts where professionally cleaned a year ago and the filter is changed annually. We live in San Diego. It rarely gets below 65 in the winter during the day, although it can get down in the 40s in the early morning (3-6a.m.). She complains about being cold in the spring, summer and fall when the temp range is about 75-80, so we can't open the doors or windows except on the hottest days. I have bought her clothing and explained the principle of layering to trap warm air next to her body. She just says "Oh" like she's never heard it before. I've bought her good-quality fleece-lined clothes and insulating t-shirts. She complains that they're too bulky (they aren't). She won't wear long-underwear because she says it's too hard to get out of when she has to use the toilet. I've suggested an electric blanket/garment. She complains that it "wastes" electricity or it's dangerous. I've suggested hats and thin gloves. Too restrictive she says. Do you see? When she lived alone, she just cranked the heater up to 78 and let it run. Now I'm here, with my air-born allergies and winter-dry skin (I'm 73, BTW) and it's a constant fight that usually ends with my mother pouting till I turn the heater on. My only recourse is to retreat to my bedroom or my office (I still do some work), close the air registers and shut the door. Then she complains that she's lonely. I don't think there's a win-win for this situation, but I thank everyone for their suggestions.
First I need to ask how hot is this overheated home? I've encountered a lot of people on line who keep their home in the 60° - 65° F range that complain about excessive heat, unless the home is above 75° I wouldn't consider it excessive for a person nearing 100 years old. My mom's legs and feet really did feel like ice to the touch, she wasn't delusional! Do set the household thermostat at a reasonable temperature and lock it there .... programmable thermostats can be great for this because the pre-sets are nearly impossible to override 🙄🤣. If you opt for a space heater make sure to be fire safe! Get her up and moving as much as possible to increase circulation. Put a hot water bottle on her lap if you're not into electric throws or heating pads. When using electric throws and heating pads be aware the cords may be a tripping hazard. My mom loved her fleece sheets and electric blanket at night. Hot beverages can make you feel warmer - coffee, tea and herbal tea, hot chocolate
In San Diego, I'd say 72 is a reasonable temperature. My mother says 75 or up. I bought her two space heaters that automatically shut off when they tip over. She says they only keep her feet warm and waste electricity (yes, I know, so does the gas heater, but mom isn't big on logic). I've removed just about every tripping hazard since I moved in 3 years ago, but that's a good point for others to be aware of. I got her a buckwheat microwaveable heating pad and that helps but of course needs to be reheated frequently and I need to be careful about burning her thin skin. Your point about hot beverages is excellent. For some reason, she drinks ice water. That's going to end starting right now. Thanks you.
Would mom use a heated throw blanket. A bit larger than a heating pad. Use caution if she has diabetes. Some medications cause the blood to thin so one feels colder. Polar Fleece pants and top work wonders. Not only do they help keep a person warmer but they also wash and dry FAST and if there is a spill it does not absorb as well as cotton would. A cap will keep heat in the body better. so a knit cap or pull the hood up on a hoodie. A nice scarf that can be pulled up around the head and chin will make her feel warmer. Another thing to check is the humidity if the air is a bit moister the room will feel warmer. (think of HUMID days and how uncomfortable you are when the temp is higher)
If all else fails there are small fans that you can wear to make yourself more comfortable. Also dress for her place. Shorts or a skirt. Or leggings under pants with a long t-shirt and when you are with her slip off the pants so you are just in leggings and a longer t-shirt
Thanks. I'm looking into humidifiers and found a source for warm leggings and elbow-to-wrist sleeves that I'm going to buy, because long underwear or any extra layer under pants requires her to take off too much when using the toilet. BTW, I live with her 24/7, otherwise this would be a real simple solution: turn the heat off while I'm visiting and crank it up when I'm gone.
Sgcinsd, I remember those days of entering my parents house, it was like walking into a hot flash zone.
There would be Mom with thermo underwear, shirt, heavy sweater, slacks, knee socks, shoes, with a throw over her lap. Dad, bless his soul, would answer the door wearing walking shorts and sandals, nothing else. The temp was set at 82 degrees. It was hard to breath in the house.
My parents were in their 90's. I couldn't figure out what ailment Mom had that would make her feel so cold. Or if it was a side affect of whatever meds she was taking. I know if someone has low kidney function that can make someone feel chilled.
While visiting, Dad would drop the heat once he remembered how to over-ride that complex programmable thermostat.
One secret is to make sure one's shirt is tucked inside of the slacks. If not tucked, it can make one feel colder.
Thanks for the suggestions. I've been fighting the good fight to get rid of all the cheap polyester sweatshirts and sweatpants and nylon sox, and replace them with natural, insulating fibers. It's a battle. I bought her fleece-lined, velcro-adjusted ankle slippers with safe, indoor-outdoor soles. She prefers the stupid slip-on ballerina slippers.
For probably the last 4-5 years of my husbands life he was extremely cold natured while I tend to be more hot natured, and being that we live in NC where it stays pretty hot for the majority of the year, and I was his 24/7 caregiver, I refused to be hot in my own house. So my husband wore fleece pajama pants, and a hooded sweatshirt up over his head year round. And when he became bedridden in our living room I just made sure he had enough blankets to keep him warm,(while he still had his fleece pants and sweatshirt on)so I could keep the air conditioning and the heat at more normal temperatures. As folks age it does seem that they get more cold natured, but that doesn't mean that those living or caring for them have to suffer either. Hopefully you can come to a compromise, like having her wrap up in a heated throw or blanket, or even just putting a hat on her head as we lose the most heat through our head. Best wishes.
My dad, bless his heart, would subject himself to the heat being on all the time in my folks' house when my mother was always freezing. That meant the thermostat was set at 80° ...in AUGUST...in SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA.
The beauty of my childhood home was that it was one of those Spanish houses with thick walls that never got very hot in the summer, and that was the problem. It was too cold for Mom.
I'm pretty sure the cause was her heart failure. Her heart wasn't pumping enough to circulate her blood and keep her warm.
As others have suggested, get the warming jackets and such, and I'll add these slippers, too. I got them from Amazon for my husband recently, and they've been a game changer. His feet are always cold.
Heated Slippers Women Men Foot Warmer Shoes Non Slip Plush Breathable Wireless Electric Heating Shoe with 5000mAh Rechargeable Battery Winter Life Work Keep Feet Warm for Women Men https://a.co/d/3bWBgpc
I lived in Colorado for many years and as a SoCal native, it took me a few winters to acclimate to the cold. I found that if I kept my torso and/or my femoral artery warm, I'd be fine. I would get those Thermacare stick-on heat patches for muscle pain (the kind that heat up when exposed to air), and I'd stick one either low on my abdomen (like for cramps) or on the inside of my thigh. They stay warm for a good 8-10 hours, but I'd be careful using them on elderly thin skin -- they might get too hot for her. You might be able to put a cloth between the heat and her skin to damper the intensity of the heat.
Those things were a godsend when I'd have to go outside to shovel snow.
Thanks. I'll look into those. That's a great idea I haven't tried yet. She's not diabetic, but the thin skin can be an issue but I'm here 24/7 so I can monitor it. BTW, we're in San Diego (not South Dakota) and I go to a church with those thick plaster walls and vaulted nave where the heat goes to live. The place is like a freezer in the winter but it's so beautiful, we just bring our blankets and gloves.
At 98, her body probably doesn't produce sufficient heat to keep her warm. On Amazon, and probably other places too, I saw there are heated vests, heated jackets that operate much the same way heated blankets do, except with batteries. She can wear one of those heated jackets which will keep her warm for up to 8-9 hours on a fully charged battery pack. You might want to have extra batteries to keep the jacket warm all day until bed time.
For her lower extremities, a space heater should suffice, I hope.
You have to be comfortable in your own home, not just mom. Obviously you can't function if the heat is sweltering, not to mention the energy costs will be astronomical. Get mom blankets and long johns and let her know that's her option for staying warm, along with a space heater, which is reasonable. If that's not good enough and the resistance is too great, let her know she can move into Assisted Living where she can control her own thermostat for the monthly rate of $4500 or whatever the going rate is in your area. She has to be reasonable in order for both of you to continue living together. If it's not working for all involved, then it's not working. Comprise is required, sorry mom, so I'll be using the word No once in awhile now.
Remember...your comfort is important too, not just moms.....especially when it's easy enough for her to bundle up vs you feeling sick from the heat!
Thanks! I have already used a similar threat but for a different reason. Told her she either had to pony up the cash (she is financially comfortable) to remodel her 1967-era bathroom so it's safe and accessible or she could pay someone to come in 3 times a week to give her a shower because when the day comes that she needs assistance, I can't help in a shower that's the size of a phone booth. We're getting bids now for a remodel after the first of the year. :-]
I didn't tell my mom what I was doing but I turned the temp down gradually while I also aimed a space heater at her from the other room. I asked about putting a space heater in the room with her but she has always been against them and I don't know all of the reasons. It's just her house, so she wants it as is. Well, things had to be done around her as we are taking care of her and have to be comfortable as well. My mom and sister also smoked for decades and when I moved in here it was both hot as heck and full of nasty smoke. I put up with it for about 2 years before I laid down the law about the cigarettes. They both had to quit.
My mom was too short and unable to maneuver to the temp controls so she didn't know it was going down 1 or 2 degrees a month. Then we put sweaters on her when she said she was cold and I aimed a space heater at her from behind her. Trust me when I tell you we were not being mean about this. The house had the temp set at 78F which in practice meant the house temp was in the low 80s. I also disabled the radiators in the rooms where my mom doesn't go. So now the heat bills are much less and the temp is still at what I consider a crazy hot 72 but at least it's not 82. The thing is, with age and perhaps a blood thinner, the elderly loved one is NEVER going to feel warm enough. So whether it's 82 or 72 they will likely still be cold.
The idea someone posted here about the heated jacket and stuff like that sounds good, but be advised that you have to be careful if she has diabetes. They tell you not to use an electric blanket on diabetic folks and that's because they might get burned and not notice if they have neuropathy or something like that. So keep an eye on that if you choose to warm her that way. I've never been comfortable with the idea of a heated blanket but I'm even more against it now due to the fear of an accident with urine. I just fear an electrocution. Some people tell you it's nothing to worry about but it's my own personal thing fear with those blankets. Also, they are more likely to catch fire the older they are. The average blanket that causes a fire is usually about 10 years old. I have no info on the heated clothes. But stand firm. Lowering the temp is possible.
It’s all changed a lot, but unfortunately not in their minds. Their own parents and grandparents didn’t have those heating options, so of course never expected an entire room or house to be at 75F degrees. Now at least we have rediscovered doors! Our parents never considered putting on a jumper and some socks, because they never felt cold. Your mother has no incentive to dress differently while the house is keep hot.
It’s far more efficient to heat the person, not the room. An electric blanket is about the most efficient heating you can use. Most 98 year olds spend most of their ‘up’ time sitting in a chair. There are now heating pads to go on the seat, heated throws to snuggle under, and heated ‘things’ to put your feet into. M’s body may not be producing enough heat, but these extras will keep her warm. She may prefer the ‘hot house’, but for most of us now it is not a matter of choice. If you get it all set up, you may even need to fake a power problem so that she has an incentive to use them.
It’s your house too. You are not the only one responsible for making some compromises.
She quite likely will not ever allow you to change that ambient home temperature and you can only adjust yourself to it. Layer your clothing when going there and strip down to prevent overheating. If she'll allow it, open a window and start a fan for some self-reprieve, explain to her that the heat is just unbearable for you and you need to air out the room due to it being 'stuffy.'
This is all too common in the elderly and up until a couple months ago, my Mom (in a MC unit), kept her room at about 85 degrees. Unbearable. Lately, she's not insisting in the long sleeves and sweater in addition to the hothouse temps. She is in renal failure as a contributing factor.
It must be very costly to keep the home so warm, but that is her choice and hopefully, her expense too. Avoid any space heaters or blankets due to safety hazards with one so elderly and go with clothing that retains heat maximally, polar fleece and such.
I have a long thin pillow filled with millet seed (DIY directions or purchase online) that I use as a hot pack on my neck and back; they retain heat for hours after 3-5 mins in a microwave, have to make sure it's not too hot. You might try one of those for her during the time you're visiting; place it on her lap and cover her so that you can breathe and are able to move about without nearly fainting.
I've gotten Mom to allow me to open the door to her room while there because I convey to her how unbearable the heat is and she sees the sweat on my face. Maybe your mom will show you some sympathy if you let her know how truly unbearable the heat is for you.
You don't say whether you live together, if so, I sympathize with you and advise keeping your room and primary spaces as ventilated as possible and maybe use a personal fan for air on your face.
Best -
Do set the household thermostat at a reasonable temperature and lock it there .... programmable thermostats can be great for this because the pre-sets are nearly impossible to override 🙄🤣.
If you opt for a space heater make sure to be fire safe!
Get her up and moving as much as possible to increase circulation.
Put a hot water bottle on her lap if you're not into electric throws or heating pads. When using electric throws and heating pads be aware the cords may be a tripping hazard.
My mom loved her fleece sheets and electric blanket at night.
Hot beverages can make you feel warmer - coffee, tea and herbal tea, hot chocolate
Use caution if she has diabetes.
Some medications cause the blood to thin so one feels colder.
Polar Fleece pants and top work wonders. Not only do they help keep a person warmer but they also wash and dry FAST and if there is a spill it does not absorb as well as cotton would.
A cap will keep heat in the body better. so a knit cap or pull the hood up on a hoodie.
A nice scarf that can be pulled up around the head and chin will make her feel warmer.
Another thing to check is the humidity if the air is a bit moister the room will feel warmer. (think of HUMID days and how uncomfortable you are when the temp is higher)
If all else fails there are small fans that you can wear to make yourself more comfortable. Also dress for her place. Shorts or a skirt. Or leggings under pants with a long t-shirt and when you are with her slip off the pants so you are just in leggings and a longer t-shirt
There would be Mom with thermo underwear, shirt, heavy sweater, slacks, knee socks, shoes, with a throw over her lap. Dad, bless his soul, would answer the door wearing walking shorts and sandals, nothing else. The temp was set at 82 degrees. It was hard to breath in the house.
My parents were in their 90's. I couldn't figure out what ailment Mom had that would make her feel so cold. Or if it was a side affect of whatever meds she was taking. I know if someone has low kidney function that can make someone feel chilled.
While visiting, Dad would drop the heat once he remembered how to over-ride that complex programmable thermostat.
One secret is to make sure one's shirt is tucked inside of the slacks. If not tucked, it can make one feel colder.
As folks age it does seem that they get more cold natured, but that doesn't mean that those living or caring for them have to suffer either.
Hopefully you can come to a compromise, like having her wrap up in a heated throw or blanket, or even just putting a hat on her head as we lose the most heat through our head.
Best wishes.
The beauty of my childhood home was that it was one of those Spanish houses with thick walls that never got very hot in the summer, and that was the problem. It was too cold for Mom.
I'm pretty sure the cause was her heart failure. Her heart wasn't pumping enough to circulate her blood and keep her warm.
As others have suggested, get the warming jackets and such, and I'll add these slippers, too. I got them from Amazon for my husband recently, and they've been a game changer. His feet are always cold.
Heated Slippers Women Men Foot Warmer Shoes Non Slip Plush Breathable Wireless Electric Heating Shoe with 5000mAh Rechargeable Battery Winter Life Work Keep Feet Warm for Women Men https://a.co/d/3bWBgpc
I lived in Colorado for many years and as a SoCal native, it took me a few winters to acclimate to the cold. I found that if I kept my torso and/or my femoral artery warm, I'd be fine. I would get those Thermacare stick-on heat patches for muscle pain (the kind that heat up when exposed to air), and I'd stick one either low on my abdomen (like for cramps) or on the inside of my thigh. They stay warm for a good 8-10 hours, but I'd be careful using them on elderly thin skin -- they might get too hot for her. You might be able to put a cloth between the heat and her skin to damper the intensity of the heat.
Those things were a godsend when I'd have to go outside to shovel snow.
For her lower extremities, a space heater should suffice, I hope.
Here's a link to a heated jacket on Amazon.
https://www.amazon.com/Venustas-Womens-Heated-Battery-clothes/dp/B08F511NL1/ref=sr_1_2_sspa?crid=OT25A19ORK7N&keywords=venustas+heated+jacket+women&qid=1669523185&sprefix=heated+jackets+for+women%2Caps%2C165&sr=8-2-spons&psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUExUVhWV0owSDhLTENRJmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEwMjc2MTg3Mkk3RUhPNTdISDZSUCZlbmNyeXB0ZWRBZElkPUExMDEzNzQ4MjFVWlBDUzEwOEo3TCZ3aWRnZXROYW1lPXNwX2F0ZiZhY3Rpb249Y2xpY2tSZWRpcmVjdCZkb05vdExvZ0NsaWNrPXRydWU=
Remember...your comfort is important too, not just moms.....especially when it's easy enough for her to bundle up vs you feeling sick from the heat!