Hi! My sister and I are carefully managing our 85 y/o mom's care as she progresses with Parkinson's and probably Lewy Bodies dementia, though we are in the middle of getting a fuller picture of that. She is currently in an independent living apartment in a place with graduated care. We think she's not too far off from needing some memory care help. She is currently struggling with language, most of all. Physically, she's actually doing pretty well. Part of our management is helping her with email and phone, but now that we cannot be with her physically with her we have encountered some limitations. My husband who is very computer savvy has managed to get her set up with remote assistance and she calls all the time to get help with various things that "happen" to her computer. We also monitor her email so she doesn't get spam, because she is unable to distinguish between friend and foe any more, and I won't even get into describing all the little pickles we've had to rescue her from. I rarely read emails from family or friends, for privacy reasons, but she has one friend who has been negative in the past so I thought I should check in on their recent correspondence, and I discovered that this friend is telling our mother that we, her children, are abusing her by making her stay in senior living during the pandemic, AND that she should get a second opinion from a qualified person regarding the Parkinson's diagnosis (btw, we took her to a top physician at a top medical school hospital)! I cannot even begin to describe to you the pain this has caused my sister and me. We are not sure how to handle it. Do we write to this person and let them know we saw this email (my mom hasn't mentioned it to us though we can see she has read it) and risk having that "friend" call her (we can't control the phone situation at all) to tell her we are monitoring her email? I mean we already feel HORRIBLE about invading her privacy but we know it's important right now in order to keep her safe, and everything else she gets is so lovely!!! We don't want to cut her off! I already blocked these people from being able to email her any more with out it going to a review place for me first, but should we block anything my mom sends out to them? And most importantly, do we need to address these people directly for THEIR abuse? Finally, would it be a terrible invasion of her privacy and would it harm her dignity for my sister and I to send a generic email to ALL her friends sensitively describing her situation, and take care of things that way? ANY guidance is appreciated. Thank you so much!!!
I wouldn't worry so much about the privacy invasion of screening your mom's emails. You seem to have it set up now so that this 'friend's' emails get prescreened before your mom gets them and I like that idea and if you want to prescreen your mom's response I'd have no problem with that either. It is actually one way you have of evaluating your mom's current mental/memory status. And I'd also occasionally scan a few of the other emails to see what is happening but wouldn't do it routinely.
I wouldn't send anything out as a blast to all of her email friends just because of one or two who are out of line. That's a pretty big over-reaction and more of an invasion of privacy than just a quick email review. Your mom will continue to require more and more oversight as her dementia continues and seeing how she answers the emails will provide you clues.
I see no positive reason why someone in memory care needs a computer or a phone. The staff can help that person make calls or Zoom or Facetime visits if needed. Every time you get a communication from a person in memory care, it will disturb you or cause you to jump to for some imagined issue. None of it is real and it will cause you no end of grief.
Who has POA?
What was your mother's reply to the email? Did she acknowledge it at all? I am wondering if Mum has LBD can she fully comprehend what the "friend" is saying?
The one thing you cannot control is the behaviour of the person who sent the email. If they have been a Negative Nelly all their live, they are not going to change now. If you tell them you read the email, it is in their twisted mind confirm that you are controlling Mum as opposed to caring for her. So I don ot feel a direct approach is the way to go. Screen Mum's emails and is you get more nasty ones, send them to spam.
If Mum comments that she has not heard from Negative Nelly for awhile you can ask you hubby to take his time checking for them.
I would not do a big email to all her friends, unless there is a significant change, Mum is moved again etc. But it is worth you while to regularly check the content of incoming and outgoing email.