Outside email and phone contact with aging parent. Thoughts?

This is a tough one.

Who has POA?

What was your mother's reply to the email? Did she acknowledge it at all? I am wondering if Mum has LBD can she fully comprehend what the "friend" is saying?

The one thing you cannot control is the behaviour of the person who sent the email. If they have been a Negative Nelly all their live, they are not going to change now. If you tell them you read the email, it is in their twisted mind confirm that you are controlling Mum as opposed to caring for her. So I don ot feel a direct approach is the way to go. Screen Mum's emails and is you get more nasty ones, send them to spam.

If Mum comments that she has not heard from Negative Nelly for awhile you can ask you hubby to take his time checking for them.

I would not do a big email to all her friends, unless there is a significant change, Mum is moved again etc. But it is worth you while to regularly check the content of incoming and outgoing email.

Thank you!!! I so appreciate you responding. She hasn't answered it...and maybe she will have the presence of mind to not answer. We hope she just disengages on her own, but nudging things in that direction is probably a good idea.

My mom is 91 and in memory care. She never learned to use a computer and cannot learn anything new now. We were advised to remove the phone from her MC apartment by the MC staff. She was upset by all the spam calls, had a hard time remembering how to use the phone; called my brother at work a lot via a preprogrammed button, looking for my dad (deceased.)

I see no positive reason why someone in memory care needs a computer or a phone. The staff can help that person make calls or Zoom or Facetime visits if needed. Every time you get a communication from a person in memory care, it will disturb you or cause you to jump to for some imagined issue. None of it is real and it will cause you no end of grief.

Since your mother didn't mention this friend's email and her comments I doubt that it really registered with your mom. Either her memory is gone and it didn't make much sense to her or she still knows enough of what's going on that she knows you and your sister did your best for her so she ignored it. You are really upset because of the wrong-headed and hurtful stuff that the friend wrote but it didn't upset your mother.

I wouldn't worry so much about the privacy invasion of screening your mom's emails. You seem to have it set up now so that this 'friend's' emails get prescreened before your mom gets them and I like that idea and if you want to prescreen your mom's response I'd have no problem with that either. It is actually one way you have of evaluating your mom's current mental/memory status. And I'd also occasionally scan a few of the other emails to see what is happening but wouldn't do it routinely.

I wouldn't send anything out as a blast to all of her email friends just because of one or two who are out of line. That's a pretty big over-reaction and more of an invasion of privacy than just a quick email review. Your mom will continue to require more and more oversight as her dementia continues and seeing how she answers the emails will provide you clues.

It's quite possible this woman has always been a negative nelly and your mother has learned to take the positive from the friendship and ignore the rest - my mom had a friend who periodically berated her for "making" me do so much for her 🙄.

It often doesn't have a good outcome when we read other people's mail or diaries at ANY age. I would pretend you didn't read that and put it in the past. If things are correct in diagnosis and you are looking at Assisted Living where there is a memory care component there often isn't any calls and so on made by resident, but only by staff taking the phone to residents when there are calls. This woman, as Cwillie says has probably ALWAYS been this way with the "you should this" and "you should that". I would just back away from this. You have plenty on your plate.

If this was happening to an innocent child, you would step in immediately. Your mom has the same trusting nature with her dementia. Please take steps to protect her.

Can you move that email to a subfolder, kind of out of sight, out of mind, so perhaps mom doesn't open it again? Since you have it set up to screen this person's incoming email, perhaps let it go for now. IF another is sent, I think what I would likely do is fib a little and say that mom told me about the email and was very upset. Then tell the person what was written is hurtful, hateful and totally false. I would also, at that point, tell the person that their email is not appreciated or welcome and will be blocked.

I don't know what phone service your mom has, but is it possible to block that person's phone number too, so the person doesn't call and upset your mother?

When we moved mom to MC, my YB was all set to sign her up for TV and phone service. I suggested we wait. I didn't want her to sit in her own room watching TV. I also suspect she was beyond being able to use the controller. As for the phone, about the only time she would call me before the move is when she needed a ride to an appt, or needed food/supplies, esp after we took the car away. I didn't think the phone would be useful for outgoing calls, and if she isn't in the room, she would miss calls, but get all those junk call messages or calls when she was in her room. Given also her hearing is fairly well gone, no point, so I never set her up with TV or phone.

As for email, and internet, she long ago bought a small computer, table and printer, which I set up with the dial up (yup, long time ago!) service I had, but she never used it! After we moved her, I checked on it - it wouldn't even boot up! So no email, no internet access needed. Saves some money anyway!

If your mother does end up moving to MC, perhaps try leaving out the phone and internet connections - maybe leave the service available for a month or so, but don't give her the phone and PC. If she doesn't miss them, cancel the service. Staff can always call you if she needs you, and often you can prearrange a call to her with their phone system or perhaps get them to set up some kind of video connection.

Since your mom brought it up and you know the person now, I would definitely talk to the friend-but also be VERY careful in what you say-it could get twisted and used by the friend to drive a wedge. She may call your mom and say “well your daughter is up to something because she just called and yelled at me, and told me to mind my own business.” 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️ My MIL and FIL has a “friend” like that at the IL apartments they were in who talked them out of signing the POA’s because “we were trying to rob them and take all their money and “throw them away.” They said they had gotten “legal advice” that told them that POA’s were ways to manipulate your parents. They had enough mild Cognitive impairment that they were persuaded and flat out refused go to the lawyers office. It took another year and we were on the borderline of them being cognitive enough for them to sign. So just beware.

Lots going on here. It's fantastic that you have your mother's POAs, because it's time to step in. There's a difference between taking someone's dignity away and protecting them. You need to protect your mother, but for whatever reason, you're letting outside people control the situation. That needs to stop.

We often think our LO is in better shape cognitively because they're "doing pretty well" physically. The phone issue almost always comes up with dementia. And most people end up removing the phone from the living quarters because their LO gradually loses the ability to use it appropriately. So what you end up with is excessive phone calls from them because they forgot they just spoke with you, or are anxious, or just fiddling with the phone. Often times, when the phone rings, the person doesn't even know what the sound means. Please note that I said remove the phone from the living quarters vs. taking the phone away from your mother. There's a difference.

Someone recommended some screening of her in-coming/out-going emails. You should be screening them all if she continues to use email. You stated that your mom has already gotten into some "pickles," so she's already demonstrated that she has some difficulty using the computer appropriately. Don't allow a situation that results in her buying a whole jar of pickles instead of just a few.

You know your mother has some type of dementia (hopefully to be definitively diagnosed asap), she has difficulty communicating and she is being manipulated. Because the friend has already created some issues, you may want to speak to an Elder Attorney to determine how best to handle that situation.

It sounds like your mom needs much more supervision. At the least, I would recommend that she be moved to the Assisted Living section of her community where they can monitor her on some level. As POAs, these are some of the hardest decisions we face because we think we're taking something away. As dementia and PD progress, a LO's living environment and required level of assistance has to be modified, sometimes fairly often. There are two ways to look at it: The negative way, which is that things are being taken away from them. Or the positive way, which is that we modify the environment to allow our LO to be as successful and safe as possible with the current skills they have.

If your Mom has LB and Parkinson's please read this article about Robin Williams. Seems there are Parkinson medications that cannot be given to people suffering from LB.

https://m.activebeat.com/your-health/women/robin-williams-death-9-things-to-know-about-lewy-body-dementia/?utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=AB_GGL_US_MOBI-SearchMarketing_TR&utm_content=g_t_303659477023&cus_widget=&utm_term=lewy%20body%20dementia&cus_teaser=kwd-35132660&utm_acid=3040947159&utm_caid=1599827680&utm_agid=62022144433&utm_os=&utm_pagetype=multi&gclid=CjwKCAiA7t3yBRADEiwA4GFlIwXNqttVn7Uds_rHQseE0Lf2rFXNN0wDvS4RrIV-lP80ott8wAXsuRoClvoQAvD_BwE

I see no problem in checking her emails. But I would not do an email to friends concerning her health. This I feel is private. As her representative you need to look at her health as how she would handle it. Is she a private person? Or one who is very open? I would only bring up the Dementia when it needs to be because of the situation. And I would not go into detail. But then I am a private person.

Not sure if Mom is ready for MC maybe an AL. I am big on phones being "lost" if they cause more problems than good. Mom needs it in IL. Does it have child controls? If so use them. Then she can only call who has been programmed in. You can block others. But in an AL, she really won't need it. You will be made aware of anything that happens. If she needs to call u it can be done from the desk. Maybe you can set up one of those video chat things. There are alot of members where parents kept calling them for everything even at work. It keeps them from relying on staff to help them. Something they are paying big bucks for.

In this day and age we need to protect our parents. There really needs to be a law protecting them from scammers. There is such a fine line but with Mom having Dementia she can no longer reason or be reasoned with. I would write a nice letter informing Moms friend that she has caused a problem. I would tell her that Mom has gone to the best Drs. After many tests it has been found she has Parkinson's and LB. Since you and sister are involved in Moms care and you trust her doctor's to give her the best care, you would appreciate her emails not include anything negative concerning her care. Living across Country she has no idea what you and sister go thru daily on concerning Moms health and happiness.

When considering the emails of friends, sometimes it helps to think of their concerns as having more to do with their own fears than the situation of your parent. My MIL lived in a condo with nine sets of neighbors for nearly 30 years. When we were forced (another story) to place her in assisted living, we did the “all in one day” approach often recommended here, I.e. we took her out to visit her grandchildren, moved all her things to her new apartment, and took her home to the new location. We explained to the neighbors what we were doing and most understood, except for one woman who broke down completely, crying and chewing us out for not giving MIL a choice, etc. We learned later, that as a third wife, she wasn’t going to have any say over what happened to her husband should he become ill (his daughter was in charge) and she was deathly afraid of what would become of her, should he need care.

Take away the email and leave her the phone but have all calls go through the facility's switch board and get them to keep a record of who calls.

I feel for you. A friend had to put her husband into an ALF and their former pastor was causing problems. The virus has actually been a blessing in the fact that the pastor does not go see him any more.

If you or sister are not not her guardian it seems to me you have no right to invade her privacy. At her age she has the right to have friends without being monitored. Would you want her doing this to you and would you think it would be ok if you were her age? Everybody has a right to their own opinion and everybody has a right to disagree with that opinion unless of course you are being under undue influence then that is another story.

If your mom is not of sound mind, you and your sister owe it to her to protect her. As she protected you and your sister as children, it is now time for you to take care of her. I have read posts from others that advise you to not intervene into her private emails, etc. As a daughter who cared for my mom until she passed at age 94 in December, I can tell you I don't regret stepping in when a woman approached my mom (who lived alone) and offered to be her friend and "help" her around her house. I was firm with mom that it was unusual for a 30 year old to take such an avid interest in her and want to be her friend. Mom was mad at first, stating that she thought the lady was nice, and she (mom) was lonely and enjoyed the new attention. It worked out that the woman was so pesky, and mom thought about my words, so she finally ignored the calls. Have a talk with your mom that you are trying to protect her and ask for her permission to "audit" her incoming email, etc. After giving it some thought, if her mental capacity is able, she may welcome the extra attention and love from her daughters. I would not want to be in a position whereby I had let others hurt mom or make her sad, in her last years. If you can help make her happy, go for it - it's a moral issue not a legal issue at this point.
Good luck and God Bless!!

My Mom had lewy body, and I know know she wasn't capable of making rational decisions and people could easily take advantage of her. So, I think you are well within your rights to do whatever it takes to look after her and keep her safe.

With POA I check my sisters incoming email several times a day. If there is any inappropriate info in her personal emails I delete them. I would also suggest blocking all emails and phone calls from this “friend”. You and your mom don’t need friends like this!

My mom with Alzheimer's didn't use a computer, (she didn't use one without Alzheimer's either), but I have a related story. Before I realized her mental decline, (she had just started living with us), she had written a check for a wrong amount, I think for her taxes. Luckily, I found the mistake before she mailed it. She was an accountant, and I never thought to check her bookkeeping skills, but from then on, I handled her financial issues. My husband and I check the legitimacy of our emails too, these days. If we get an email, supposedly from a bank, let's say, we call the bank directly, without using any link or number in the email, just in case it's fake. It's a strange world we live in these days, and so a little bit of caution goes a long way. You're looking out for your mom's best interest. Mothers did that for us when we were younger, I imagine. A mom wouldn't let a kid touch a hot stove. So many things with Alzheimer's and related diseases can become a "hot button" issue, so I think heading things off at the pass is a good idea. I also think getting/having Durable Power of Attorney is a good idea as well. My parents, at their suggestion, assigned that responsibility to me, "just in case" it was ever needed. As my case shows, it can be needed when you least expect it. Best of luck. I even wrote a book about our experiences taking care of my mom called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." I wrote it as a cathartic experience for me, and to help others. I'm happy to say, it has done both.

I forgot to say in my post that LB and Parkinson's are close in symptoms. Its not that Mom has both, it maybe she has one or the other. You really need to find out which. I think its that Parkinson's meds cannot be given to someone suffering from LB. It can cause death.

I monitor my mom's email but she doesn't even know she has one. Wish I could monitor her phone messages too. She gets frazzled by the numerous bogus telemarketers. If I were you I would just delete the negative emails that would confuse and upset her. Do not confront the friend because most likely she would tell mom she is being monitored.

Does anyone know a way to eliminate unwanted calls to a landline? I have entered her number to the " do not call" list many times.

How about blocking both yours and Mom's phone access from this negative friend? This abuse and manipulation are like poisons not to be longer tolerated. And, nope, if blocked, no apologies to explain why blocked. Your decision tells what this friend should figure out for herself.

Stop feeling horrible. Yes, you should send a general email to all her friends describing her situation. Yes, you should block the emails of the person who is making negative suggestions. That person might also be suffering from dementia. In fact, even some of the friends who send nice emails might be suffering from dementia, or maybe they are forwarding her spam and dangerous links. You should intercept ALL of her email first. As these diseases progress, she will have not have one shred of privacy left anyway, on any level. Consider a programmable phone that allows only your chosen callers in, and allows only your chosen calls out. TeleCalm phone is the brand I found. Tricky tho, if you can't get into her room. But do you really want your mother calling her bank, or calling a lawyer that the bad friend suggested?

First of all, make sure that you have all of her paperwork in place to have Power of Attorney and be able to take over if she gets to the point where she is not able to care for herself (POA for financial and medical issues). She also should have a will and living will with her medical directives. Some banks have their own POA forms. Dementia is likely to get worse over time. It sounds like a good idea to monitor her email and voice mail. Is she still able to answer the phone and have a conversation? There are an exceptionally large number of scams going around, and even sophisticated people can be fooled by some of them. The scams are designed to provoke anxiety. If she is suffering with dementia, she may lose the ability to make good judgements about these things. At some point, you may have to take over her financial affairs, and when that happens it's best to have her financial mail and bills sent to your address. (With my mother, I eventually had to remove her checks and credit card. She wasn't writing the checks properly.) I also asked many organizations sending junk mail to remove her from their mailing list, when she was no longer able to read catalogs and other mail. I personally think it's better not to tell her friends or her that you are reading/listening to her messages. Regarding the friend who is criticizing, has your mother followed up on any of her suggestions? It may be that your mother may not be reading the messages and may not be understanding everything she reads. If this is the case, it may not be a problem to ignore them. It's better not to create conflict if you can avoid it. I personally would not send an email to all of her friends. They probably can figure things out for themselves. You might help you mother send cards to all her friends during the holidays, just to let them know she is alive. Again, with dementia, eventually she may no longer be able to write emails, send mail, answer the phone or have a conversation.

GrandPad! It will give Mom a new email address. You will set it up and can put in those people she wants and needs to maintain contact with. Then you can forward her other email as needed. She can also videochat with friends and family easily. She will be able to use this long affer she loses the ability to put in a password, open her regular email or attachments. And NO SPAM!

As a resident of AL with NO dementia, and many friends both in AL and IL as well as the outside world, I can tell you that blocking your moms friend IS abuse. Your mom needs socializing more than anything else during this pandemic, and no one, not even family, has the right to cut her off from her friends. Shame on you for eves-dropping. I witness both verbal and physical abuse on a regular basis both in the facility where I live and by a friend’s daughter who still lives with her mom in her MOM’s house. Two other friends and I have had to call adult protective services to intervene. The daughter cut her moms phone off, and since the mom is totally computer illiterate, she was left with no access even to 911. The state employee told us that an adult child has no authority or right to interfere in the moms phone Or computer usage. While I’m sure you are trying to keep your mom safe, she is living in independent living which is essentially like any other apartment complex. If you are not her guardian, you have no legal authority. If your mom wants to talk to her “negative friend”, she has the right to do so. And if her friends find out what you have done, you can be reported to the state and prosecuted. If I were you, I would reverse that block and stay quiet. I live with several friends who have Parkinson’s and all types of dementia. Their most enjoyable times of the day are when we all get to sit around after dinner at night and talk about whatever we like. We talk about the horrible food we are served, who was in the hospital recently, Covid-19, politics, the caregivers and other staff who work here, our children, and even sex. We are not children and do not want to be treated as if we were. We can still even tell a few dirty jokes and die laughing. We cherish what little independence we have left, especially those of us who still drive. When the time comes that you think your mom needs to be in assisted living, be sure you get HER opinion. These facilities are run by corporate
vultures who will tell you anything to get you to move into a more expensive room/plan. It’s all about the money. If you do move her, be sure to get a camera in her room, even if you have to sneak it. I have caught some horrific things with mine. Unless you live in one of these hell holes, you really have no idea what goes on. I have pictures and videos with times and dates. My children all know that if I have a stroke or anything that causes me to lose my cognitive ability, they are to get me out and NEVER to put me in memory care. My will stipulates that any of my children who try to stick me in memory care will
get nothing when I die. They are all fine with that because they have seen my pictures.
Please do not take away your moms dignity, privacy, and possible safety by continuing down your current path. Don’t tell her what you have already done. Just undo it. And her independent facility should be allowing visitors with social distancing and masks, especially outside. Visit her as much as possible and let her know you love her.

I fully understand the email thing, and have viewed similar on an IMAP server before it gets downloaded via POP and deleted from the server. I don't read the actual emails, just un-spam erroneously blocked ones, etc. It doesn't help that her ISP has an over-aggressive spam filter and she might never normally see some important emails.

You're helping her with vital things she just can't do herself, so as long as you're honest, I see glancing at email as ethical. I haven't taken it as far as actually reading emails (beyond headers) but understand why you would in that situation.

The friend dilemma may be something only you can work out, since subtle details are hard to know here. From the basic info, my approach would be brainstorming to come up with another way you might have learned of the complaints. It would be a (white?) lie, but if it's critical for safety it could be worth it. You could just ask her firmly if she's OK with the whole situation and not have to bring anyone else up.

While I do not disagree that you need to protect your mother by monitoring her emails. You need to ensure that her trust in you will not become violated; otherwise she could become hurt and resentful about your monitoring, and unforgiving about it. Maybe you should tell her (to some extent) about how you are helping her, so there will be no surprises. Without talking about this friend of hers, I would in an indirect way ask her if she has any concerns that she would like to discuss with you, and make her aware not to hesitate to talk or call you anytime.

You are doing the right thing by monitoring her email and, as possible, her phone calls. My 91 year-old father now lives with me, still has his mobile and is continually called by "telemarketers" and scammers throughout the day. Because I have overheard these calls, I knew to take his social security card, Medicare card and all credit cards out of his wallet. I substituted a cash card that he can use when he needs a credit card but he can only be scammed out of $150. because I control the amount on the card.

As for your mom's friend, her comments are disturbing and damaging. She either has her own set of issues, does not understand the depths of your mom's issues (many outsiders don't) or is malicious. Not knowing your mom's email client, I cannot say you can block her friends' emails but it may be worth looking into.

Good luck and best regards,

There's only so much you can or should try to control, and by letting things happen as they will, you will have a lot less agida. (Agida = anxiety, if you haven't heard that term before. I try not to assume what you know.)
I suggest casually getting in touch with your mother's negative friend and just saying hello, and letting her know what's going on with your family. We have all sort of discussions with our friends when we are teenagers and our parents are none the wiser and don't need to be. Imagine your parents putting the kibosh on your friendships. You wouldn't like it and you don't need to put any energy into it. Let it be.
And, if your mother really is on the road towards dementia, she's not going to remember those warnings and admonitions coming from her friend. I'm sorry to be direct but that is the truth. Our parents with dementia live in the moment so I'm not so sure that gossip is really much of an issue.
If your mother is still able to use email and the phone, let her continue. There's no reason to make her world any smaller any sooner than you need to. If your husband has the IT skills to keep her safe from harm, then of course avail yourself.
I assume she doesn't have control of (much) money so that no one can scam her out of any of it.
Mostly, please know that you don't need to feel guilty about the steps you have taken. You are keeping your mother safe, and that's the most you can do.