Our mother has dementia, it's just my sister and myself who are caring for her. She only wants me and is smothering me! At breaking point.

Lelaine, no one can assume or force you into providing the hands-on care for your mother. You are under no moral, ethical or any other obligation to do so. If you are approaching burnout yet your sister doesn't want to transition her into a facility, then your sister will need to provide all the care. Or, you will need to decide to up the amount of outside help you hire. The caregiving arrangement needs to work for all parties: you, your sister and your mother (and please note it is not about making your mom "happy", it's about what helps her and keeps her safe and healthy). The arrangement is not working for you. Your immediate family comes first. Can I ask what is the reason why your sister doesn't want her to get cared for elsewhere? Is it fear of poor quality experience? Financial? A promise she made to your mom? This information would be helpful for us to know. Thanks!

I doesn't sound like you can go on with Mom at home any more. I would tell your sister that you cannot go on. If you are able to afford, or get a small apartment nearby, even a room where you can get away for a while, or you and Sis spell one another it may help. But I think that help would be short lived and eventually you would have to address this with placement. I am so sorry. You sound worn out with it.

How to tell your sister? You say ‘I’ve done more than my share for a long time now. I’m done, now it’s your turn. If you can’t do it, there will have to be other arrangements.’ And then you stop. I’d suggest you look up Covid symptoms, and decide which ones you might have. Then stop visiting altogether because of the Covid risk. The real risk is in fact to your own health, your children and your sick brother. Whatever you say, just stop. You are not going to talk your sister out of this, stopping what you do is the only thing that will work.

It sounds like your mother has dementia. It sounds like her moving things and forgetting where she moved them, and accusing others of taking the items because she can't find them, are the symptoms of dementia. Paranoia and agitation are also symptoms of dementia. I suggest both you and your sister take her to the doctor to get her checked out. You and your sister need to determine who is going to be the primary who makes decisions pertaining to her health. In addition, if you are caring for your brother and your mother, I suggest you each take one or the other to care for. The other option is place your mother in a nursing home.

I feel for you! You are on the slippery slope for sure. For many that leads to your own life journey & health being erroded away.

I'm in a ruthless common sense must prevail mood today. So here goes;
1. It's not working for you.
2. Therefore the current plan no longer works. A new plan is needed.
3. A good look at Mother's needs (a current medical assessment/neuro exam may be useful).
4. Make a new plan. Base this on the medical facts & what care is required. Decide who/when/where/how this will be provided. Involve all the participants: Mother, sibling, medical team
5. Implement new plan.

Either your sister is part of a new solution, or she is the problem.

Geaton 777 thank you for your answer, my sister thinks I am being selfish for caring about my health. She doesn't want to put mom in a facility because she will die of COVID! Asked if I want to play Russian roulette with her life, because I want my own life back! Also my sister thinks all places are poor quality, no one will take care of her. But when she is with our mother, she is yelling at her for not taking pills or doing something my sister doesn't think she should! they yell at each other, mom doesn't want her around anymore! I am tired of both of them putting me in the middle. I don't live with my mom, she has been in her home for 56 yrs! Her husband just passed this past February, it is paid for. We could sell and pay for prob. two yrs, but my sister wants to go EW to start! We have different views on what or how things should be done. She thinks her way!