Hi. I’m an only child having to help both elderly aging parents. I’ve had to come to realization as an adult that my mom is not capable of loving and emotional support. She is very selfish manipulative but in a sweet way, most people would say she’s a great person, but she uses passive aggressive tactics to control her family or offhandedly comments. My father tries to appease her and do everything to make her happy but also has a dominating side a lot of times they want to put me in the middle of their arguments or disagreements and want me to decide with one of them. Has anyone else dealt with this type of issue?
There's a lot of literature on this and how to cope with it. Sometimes it requires that you change your own behavior in hopes of changing theirs. Try some of the techniques, and please let us know how it works for you. Don't expect it to go smoothly, because they assigned you this role long ago! Probably when you were a young child and didn't know what was really going on. Now you do.
Good luck!
My father died 3 years ago and my mother just moved in with me about a month ago, but I feel your pain. As an only child (and adopted at that) I have the guilt and appreciation that has caused me to have her live with me.
She has cancer and is getting sicker, but I am here, helping her as much as I can for now.
After 24 years of living by myself in a house, I can honestly say all of this has been rough.
Please get in touch with me. We have a lot in common.
Patricia
Look into Medicaid funding mother's stay in Skilled Nursing care now. I'm sorry you're going through this and hope she passes w/o pain with hospice care.
Best of luck to you.
I had them in Assisted Living to minimize my dealing with the histrionics, but it was STILL 10 years of a ton of work and management on my part. Disengage with them as much as humanly possible and refuse to referee their fights. You will become the Bad Guy too otherwise, giving mom more ammunition to use against you. Tell them you love them equally and will not take sides or be a pawn in their games.
Never, ever take them into your home or move in with them as they age. Always choose managed care and be their advocate instead. I know from where I speak.
Best of luck to you.
Also, make sure your parents know, in no uncertain terms, that you are not their solution for care as they age. At least, not their hands-on caregiving solution. As an old child who basically had 3 Mothers, I can guarantee that even if you were willing to do it, you can't. It's unsustainable from a mental, emotional and physical standpoint (and maybe even financial).
Ask them what their long-term plan is. If they point to you, or give you a blank stare -- then you need to begin "informing" them that you are not an option. Ever. Even being PoA for 2 people and just managing their affairs will be strenuous enough.
Start talking to them now: do they have assigned PoAs? Do they have Advance Healthcare Directives filled out? A trust formed? A Last Will? Do they have all their paperwork updated and collected in one spot?
If the answer to the above is no, kindly inform them that they are destined to become wards of a court-assigned 3rd party legal guardian and their affairs will be out of your hands, legally.
I wish you success!
I don't want to do those things. Period.
I have asked my mother what will happen when things get bad and she can't get up, etc. (because we both know it's going to happen). And she tells me she'll go into the hospital.
I really hope that's true. But I guess I have the power when that time comes.
I can't take care of her, even 1/4 of the time (6 hours). Yes, I've calculated.
I know mentally and emotionally it's not something I want to do.
I've thought about her staying in the house but I know for certain that won't be a "home" anymore to know your mother is dying two rooms away. How will it be a sanctuary then? How can I sleep? It won't be possible.
Sorry for the ramble but when you said in your post, and basically said put your foot down, it hit home. So thank you.
You don’t need to subject yourself to nastiness. Keep your distance.
There is no accounting for the personalities of others. The simple truth is that family members are merely "people", and they are more or less kind, more or less manipulative, more or less on the charming side of things, etc. They are people.
You are a grownup and I assume and hope you are not living still with parents, and assume you don't intend to. Therefore you manage your own life. You won't change others. You simply have to decide how much time to invest in them and in their behavior.
As to "is anyone else dealing with" this situation?
Family situations are like thumb prints. Each is unique. But yes, you can bet if we have family, we are "dealing". That's just life!