I have not read this entire thread, but first couple pages and last couple. I am also an only. SO glad for the company and understanding on this forum! I too felt alone... no one I know has been in exactly my boat. My friends and my partner have all lost parents and done caring....but they have also all had siblings or nephews/neices of the aged, who cooperated or at least griped togetether! I even felt a little judged and disapproved of, since MY parent seemed to be such a special snowflake. ;)
I joined this forum today and got some frank and direct feedback. Thank. God. I feel hopeful again that I can find my way.
I am an only child too. My parents went downhill much earlier than I planned: in their early 70s. It's been awful. They moved me away from all family as a child and they have lived very isolated lives. They have no family, no friends, no church or such support, at all. Just me. I had to move dad into memory care last year. Now I have two miserable people living in two separate locations and somehow I have become responsible for both. My career is full-swing and frankly, at 50, I was hoping to start taking some time for vacations or a hobby at this point in my life. I turn to this site often just to remind myself I am not the only one. Most people my age are still out doing things with their kids and enjoying life. I feel like I am the only one my age with this dark cloud hanging over my head :(
I am an only child and have moved my father into an old age home. He needs assisted care as he is in a wheel chair and cannot do things for himself. I visit twice a week and fetch him every Sunday. Every second weekend he comes home for the weekend an during this time I have to balance family life as well as take care of his 24/7. He is unhappy as he wants to live at home with us. When he does not get his way he gets nasty, and threatens me all the time. He is always sulking and unhappy about being in the old age home. I feel that I am losing my mind as I cannot balance everything anymore and he keeps on telling me how I threw him away.
I am an only child also.. my frail mother (mentally pretty sharp at 84) and my 88 yr old dad with ALZ moved in with hubs and I almost 2 years ago. Lucky for us they have money, and we were able to hire a PT CG for the days I work . While it is sad about dad, I am glad we have them here. Not to say I don;t miss our couple time ( daughter had just moved out and we were looking forward to our time) but we get alot in return. They are pleasant, we work together to take care of dad ( he is going downhill mentally but pretty healthy otherwise) and they help out finacially, and around the house. I also do things now I never did before.. like take them to the casino.. kinda fun!.. And they like Costco way more than I do but it's entertaining! Try to look on any bright side you can find!
Frustration, I have cooperative siblings and my mother has financial resources, so I am much blessed. But I can't for a moment imagine caring for my mother, who is wheelchair bound and has some dementia from a stroke. Caring for someone who is generally healthy but frail may be doable, as long as the elder is cooperative. But throw dementia into the picture, loss of mobility? Those are issues so much better dealt with in a good facility. The services come to the patient.
I am 61 years old and have a mother who will be eighty in dec. she is now having issues with her heart and will know in jan/feb if she needs another angioplasty or heart surg. looking after her in my home post surg is not an option as I have health issues as well. she is also very difficult, to the point that we do not discuss important things, it always turns into a put down of myself. I was not planned and she has never let me forget it. now that she is older and I am looking at having to perhaps arrange care etc., I find myself resentful as she was never a kind or loving mother.constantly criticizing etc. How does one get past that? I try to remember that she has been a good grandmother and other positives. would love to hear from others who find themselves in a similar situation.
I have the same problem with a twist from most comments. My father didn't pay much attention to me at all when I was a child or young adult. In fact, he was cruel to my mother and indifferent to me. I feel no obligation to provide anything above minimal help. I keep my distance (3-hour drive). When he dies, well, he dies. I can't change his mind or make him any different than what he is. I have my life that needs tending. He's way down the priority list. It sounds cruel, but that's what it is.
I am also an only child caring for my 88 year old father!! These are definately some of the most difficult years. It is no easy watching the one who has always been so strong, become weaker and weaker!!
Make sure you are taking care of yourself, if you aren't healthy, you are no good to your parent. Get plenty of rest, exercise, eat healthy, have a group of friends who are a strong support for you~~you need all the support you can get!! Some days WILL be harder than others!!
OneLove-I can understand your frustration, I am only child myself. But as the others have noted, having siblings can sometimes complicate the issue- especially if you dont agree on the care and management of finances for your loved one. I was fortunate to be able to retire last year so I dont have the added stress of dealing w/work and visiting my mom daily. She is 90 and has dementia so I had to move her to LTC 8 months ago. So far she is adjusting OK. I try to take care of myself by setting aside time to visit w/her daily, but I started going to the gym more and that has given me more strength to deal w/issues. I used a geriatric care manager to help me with the process of getting her in a LTC and that was very helpful. I also have many cousins that acted as siblings,by providing input and support--even though most of them live out of state. The bottom line is you must be able to take care of your self first or your mom will not have anyone to manage her later on. I wish you the best-it can be a long and sometimes painful journey. I am just grateful that my mom is still with me and can recognize me when I visit. Good luck.
No, it is not wrong to feel bad for you too. It is a stressful time of life and you need to live your life too. I deal with this as well being an only child of aging parents and struggle with guilt as I feel like there is always more I can do. Hang in there.
I too am an only child. I received a call four weeks ago that my dad needed to move closer to me after a 16 year absence. He has so many problems that I am overwhelmed and just keep crying in my car when I leave. (I would never do so in front of him). He has fallen twice since being admitted to assisted living last week and has financial messes that need clearing up besides all of the physical issues. I spend days with him and work nights. At least this forum is helping. My family just doesn't "get it". I feel so bad for him, but is it wrong to feel bad for me too? When is it my time? My youngest is a senior in college.
It isn't all about us. It's about the love in families. If the person was outgoing and loved to meet people, then outside care can be a good thing. If they are scared and lonely and only trust you and never was social, you just look at it differently. But if no matter what they were always there for you. You then are responsible and when you call the shots, you tend to think of them first.
Suzyque – I hope these reminders will carry you through your mom’s health declines. I will like to point out to you, that raising a child is Very Different from caring for an elderly parent. A newborn child grows UP. They learn to walk on their own, to potty train so that you no longer have to change their pampers, they learn to Be Independent! Your elderly parent will be doing the opposite. Eventually, you will be spending more and more time caring for them. They will fall down (losing their sense of balance), the struggle to raise them from the ground by yourself – is very, very difficult. The not reaching to the restroom in time, and cleaning up the mess. The struggle to bathe them when they no longer want to be bathe daily. The forgetfulnesss and the anger of accusing you of “stealing”. It will continue to go downhill. Until, one person caring for that parent is no longer possible. Well, it is possible – you will just end up with damaged knees, back, etc…. I really do commend you for this attitude. But, I would like to also ask you to please plan ahead when the time comes when your mother will be needing more and more care? I’m not saying to dump her at NH, but plan ahead for having another caregiver come in to help?
My father was my mom’s maincaregiver. I took over after I got off from work. Still, with the just the 2 of us, he had a stroke last year. Now, I am the main caregiver for both of my bedridden parents. If I had the means to put one of them in NH, I would do it. But that is wishful thinking. So, I make do with what I can. I will NOT have a stroke from taking care of my bedridden parents. I’m still on the planning stage of getting my life back to me. I have 7 siblings. Before dad’s stroke – no one helped despite our pleas for help. I begged, threatened to leave the parents, and even said I will kill myself if this is the only way to get out of this. No One did anything. I found this website in June and had help from here. THEY were the ones to help me out of my suicidal mission. And they are the ones helping me to stand up and say that I Am Worth Living. That I will no longer be the only child to help with the bedridden parents. One day….that is MY goal.
For all of you, I recommend seeking outside help like several posters mention. Do Not Do It Alone!!! There are other discussions on this site. Jump around, read as much as you can and learn from what others are experiencing. Knowledge is the Key.
Another only child here..caring for a 95 year old mother with advanced dementia. It's a very lonely row to hoe, BUT, I have so many friends with stories about uncooperative siblings and family drama around money and responsibilities that I try to look at it as a blessing that I alone own the decisions around my mom's care. I try and surround myself with loving friends who will listen to my troubles and offer comfort, and always come to the forums here to remind myself that there are SO MANY of us facing this daunting challenge. I have also investigated and take advantage of every program that is available out there to help me; local elder care agencies can be a godsend and respite care is a MUST, so spend the time to find the right caregivers to help you as no one can do this singlehandedly whether you work or not. This will not go on forever and when my work is done, I will have NO REGRETS. I wish you well, onelove!! You are not alone.
Reindeer actually it is 60 % of caregivers die first-that was a lightbulb moment for me while caring for my late husband. Also as one person related having sibs does not mean you will get help-generally only grief and some may be the elders fault with complaining about one sib. to another and maybe or usually not being the truth and that alone causes hard feelings, Most caregivers with sibs get no help at all-the other sibs are too busy.
Keep laughing. Get outside. Thank some deep breaths now and again. Get enough sleep. Take good care of yourself. Get some exercise when you can. Keep good records of everything - finances, medications, doctor's visits. Try to have some fun now and again (as often as possible). Express gratitude and love when possible - try to create some good moments. Forgive yourself and your loved ones -- there will be mistakes and recriminations just make it all worse.
Onelove, Welcome to this site for your not alone in your situation. It would be nice if you could tell us a bit more about your mom like does she have Alzheimer's or any other illness. Does she have any medical insurance? Also, how u r doing while taking care of her n do you work n take care of her too? That way you can get some more response n everyone here can get to know you n your situation more clearly. Again, welcome to this site for it is educational n a great place to get some support from others that r in similar situations.
Dear Onelove, Long story short, both my parents got sick within one month of each other. I was/am the PC for two years. With Dad it was physical, with Mom it was cancer and dementia. Last year and this year has been the hardest years of my life. But through the pain and sadness, love/guilt, love/resentment/love irritation, etc... I have learned more about myself [both good and bad], more about God, more about what my parents did for me and how I took them for granted, more about FAMILY, than I ever could without all the painful things I went through. Being a caregiver for parents is the hardest job in the world and you CANNOT do it by yourself. You NEED help, be it other good siblings, hiring CGs, Social Workers, but its absolutlely impossible for you to go it alone. All great advice before mine and I would try to put them into action. It was so hard on me that when the hospice doctor first came to assess Mom, he sat down with me afterwards for over an hour cause he was more worried about me than Mom. I was in deep emotional burnout and stress and my physical body was suffering too. I lost 10 pounds and still haven't gotten it back. I did not realize how badly burned out and emotionally sick I was until I had outbursts with sis and bro many times and they and the doctor could tell that I was suffering by just looking at my face. Dad passed just this past May and Mom is now in hospice, but that doesn't mean that I am healed. In many ways its worse cause I still mourn for Dad and also have "anticipatory grief" for Mom. I am the youngest and was always the closest to Mom and Dad and I am the one who lost my whole household, not sis or bro. I suffer a lot even though Mom is in hospice. it kills me to see her in that condition, yet I visit every day and bring her her favorite foods. I put on a happy face when outside, but that all changes when I am at home alone. I deeply love my Mother, and wanted to keep her at home till the end. But now I realize that I cannot. She needs 24/7 care and meds and equipment that I cannot provide. I am not the one who made the final decision to place her in hospice, sis did, after she spent the last night here and had to finally realize what I was going through and couldn't beleive that I was going through that for so long. But please remember, its impossible to go it alone, you will kill yourself before Mom passes. Please get help for Mom and for yourself.
Taking care of your parents does not mean they have to live with you and put your health in danger. It is not payback time for all they did for us.
I certainly do not expect my children to feel obligated to change their lifestyle and ruin their own health because I am unable to take care of myself. In home agencies provide a wonderful service and there are many fine assisted living facilities and/or nursing homes available. You will be their advocate, see that they are well cared for, safe and comfortable.
I just keep trying to remember that this is the person I love that I ran to when I knocked in my front teeth, scraped my knees and elbows, and slammed my fingers in doors and windows. (Combo tomboy klutz!)
The person that had to walk around for a week, after working all day, trying to hand out the girl scout cookies I sold, and worry about me when I was wandering around somewhere after dark when I was 4, etc., etc., etc. We won't even mention the teen years! I don't know if she could ever be enough trouble to get even for all the worry and stress I put her through.
contact eldercare or elder options in your area-ask alot of questions-pray alot & get Godly wisdom cause He is our only helper but also can & does use people to Grace & Peace to you
My health went south too the first few years, it was stress. I went to the doctor and didn't know what was going on. Seem to be getting back on track now. My husband has kidney disease, IGa neuropathy. So this hit me all at once.
JohnnieB, if your father is 75, then I assume you are no older than your early 50s. You are too young to lose your health trying to do what will increasingly be almost impossible.
First- JohnnieB. Get your father to a doctor! OneLove. I am also pretty new but the thing I am learning is patience. I never had an overabundance of it to begin with. I never had any children to teach me. I am learning slowly. I am learning that even though my mother might do things that are embarassing to me in public, like tell people off when things aren't the way she wanted them, I can not stop this and it is not my job too. My job is to make sure she gets where she needs to go and make sure nothing happens to her, or that I am there if something does. I can not be her behavior monitor. I was crabby when I realized that my time was now her time but I have learned to get over that and just learn to adjust to my new life. She knocked herself out for the beginning years of my life to take care of me. I find that the more accepting of things that I become, the smoother things go. There is no sense in being stressed out about things being the way they are since they are going to be how they are. We just have to learn to accept it, take it all in, and deal with the now. (And I take one day a week off for a totally "This is me doing nothing!" day, barring any emergency. I sometimes just spend it napping and I don't feel guilty if I don't do anything that day.)
I am an only child too,66. Mom is 92. I've seen a lot of good ideas, but each situation is different. Mom has been with us going on 4 years and it has gotten easier. My life totally changed, but now I have accepted it. She is lost and scared and I do want to be there for her. Would like a few hours a week for myself. Getting her to bathe is not fun. But she takes her own sponge baths. Everything is a production with her. But that is the dementia. Bless you.
Count your blessings!! I often wish (more often than not) that I either didn't have siblings or that they would butt out when dealing with my mom and dad. They do NOTHING to help, only complain and criticize. :( I don't think my plight is very uncommon either. I hear this a lot.... so with that said, having siblings is NOT always a good thing!! Mine only add to my stress.
I joined this forum today and got some frank and direct feedback. Thank. God.
I feel hopeful again that I can find my way.
These are definately some of the most difficult years. It is no easy watching the one who has always been so strong, become weaker and weaker!!
Make sure you are taking care of yourself, if you aren't healthy, you are no good to your parent. Get plenty of rest, exercise, eat healthy, have a group of friends who are a strong support for you~~you need all the support you can get!! Some days WILL be harder than others!!
My father was my mom’s maincaregiver. I took over after I got off from work. Still, with the just the 2 of us, he had a stroke last year. Now, I am the main caregiver for both of my bedridden parents. If I had the means to put one of them in NH, I would do it. But that is wishful thinking. So, I make do with what I can. I will NOT have a stroke from taking care of my bedridden parents. I’m still on the planning stage of getting my life back to me. I have 7 siblings. Before dad’s stroke – no one helped despite our pleas for help. I begged, threatened to leave the parents, and even said I will kill myself if this is the only way to get out of this. No One did anything. I found this website in June and had help from here. THEY were the ones to help me out of my suicidal mission. And they are the ones helping me to stand up and say that I Am Worth Living. That I will no longer be the only child to help with the bedridden parents. One day….that is MY goal.
For all of you, I recommend seeking outside help like several posters mention. Do Not Do It Alone!!! There are other discussions on this site. Jump around, read as much as you can and learn from what others are experiencing. Knowledge is the Key.
Get outside.
Thank some deep breaths now and again.
Get enough sleep.
Take good care of yourself.
Get some exercise when you can.
Keep good records of everything - finances, medications, doctor's visits.
Try to have some fun now and again (as often as possible).
Express gratitude and love when possible - try to create some good moments.
Forgive yourself and your loved ones -- there will be mistakes and recriminations just make it all worse.
Long story short, both my parents got sick within one month of each other. I was/am the PC for two years. With Dad it was physical, with Mom it was cancer and dementia. Last year and this year has been the hardest years of my life. But through the pain and sadness, love/guilt, love/resentment/love irritation, etc... I have learned more about myself [both good and bad], more about God, more about what my parents did for me and how I took them for granted, more about FAMILY, than I ever could without all the painful things I went through. Being a caregiver for parents is the hardest job in the world and you CANNOT do it by yourself. You NEED help, be it other good siblings, hiring CGs, Social Workers, but its absolutlely impossible for you to go it alone.
All great advice before mine and I would try to put them into action. It was so hard on me that when the hospice doctor first came to assess Mom, he sat down with me afterwards for over an hour cause he was more worried about me than Mom. I was in deep emotional burnout and stress and my physical body was suffering too. I lost 10 pounds and still haven't gotten it back. I did not realize how badly burned out and emotionally sick I was until I had outbursts with sis and bro many times and they and the doctor could tell that I was suffering by just looking at my face. Dad passed just this past May and Mom is now in hospice, but that doesn't mean that I am healed. In many ways its worse cause I still mourn for Dad and also have "anticipatory grief" for Mom. I am the youngest and was always the closest to Mom and Dad and I am the one who lost my whole household, not sis or bro. I suffer a lot even though Mom is in hospice. it kills me to see her in that condition, yet I visit every day and bring her her favorite foods. I put on a happy face when outside, but that all changes when I am at home alone. I deeply love my Mother, and wanted to keep her at home till the end. But now I realize that I cannot. She needs 24/7 care and meds and equipment that I cannot provide. I am not the one who made the final decision to place her in hospice, sis did, after she spent the last night here and had to finally realize what I was going through and couldn't beleive that I was going through that for so long. But please remember, its impossible to go it alone, you will kill yourself before Mom passes. Please get help for Mom and for yourself.
I certainly do not expect my children to feel obligated to change their lifestyle and ruin their own health because I am unable to take care of myself. In home agencies provide a wonderful service and there are many fine assisted living facilities and/or nursing homes available. You will be their advocate, see that they are well cared for, safe and comfortable.
The person that had to walk around for a week, after working all day, trying to hand out the girl scout cookies I sold, and worry about me when I was wandering around somewhere after dark when I was 4, etc., etc., etc.
We won't even mention the teen years!
I don't know if she could ever be enough trouble to get even for all the worry and stress I put her through.
to Grace & Peace to you
OneLove. I am also pretty new but the thing I am learning is patience. I never had an overabundance of it to begin with. I never had any children to teach me. I am learning slowly.
I am learning that even though my mother might do things that are embarassing to me in public, like tell people off when things aren't the way she wanted them, I can not stop this and it is not my job too. My job is to make sure she gets where she needs to go and make sure nothing happens to her, or that I am there if something does. I can not be her behavior monitor.
I was crabby when I realized that my time was now her time but I have learned to get over that and just learn to adjust to my new life. She knocked herself out for the beginning years of my life to take care of me.
I find that the more accepting of things that I become, the smoother things go. There is no sense in being stressed out about things being the way they are since they are going to be how they are. We just have to learn to accept it, take it all in, and deal with the now.
(And I take one day a week off for a totally "This is me doing nothing!" day, barring any emergency. I sometimes just spend it napping and I don't feel guilty if I don't do anything that day.)
I've seen a lot of good ideas, but each situation is different.
Mom has been with us going on 4 years and it has gotten easier. My life totally changed, but now I have accepted it. She is lost and scared and I do want to be there for her. Would like a few hours a week for myself. Getting her to bathe is not fun. But she takes her own sponge baths. Everything is a production with her. But that is the dementia. Bless you.