My sister and I are close in age. We live the same distance away from my father, but I do 95% of caregiving and interaction. I have accepted it. It is the right thing for me to do.
My sister and I have little contact. I find she only reaches out when she wants something. She has always been the golden child. She also seems to have some kind of disorder I can only call “extreme cheapness.” I shouldn’t say “seems”, she does. She has gotten my parents to pay for many things over the years—education, things for her children, cars, vacations, etc. She can well afford it, but why pay for something yourself when you can get someone else to? I haven’t asked my parents for anything. I can manage on my own.
I manage my father’s financial affairs. Long story short, sister is wanting to retire early and is prying to figure out what type of inheritance she may get while my father is still alive. She pressures me for information; not him (yet).
I’m really tired of this ongoing tension and her fixation on money and what she can get. She is aggressive and can become explosive when she doesn’t get what she wants (hopefully for free).
Dad has saved well and in all likelihood has enough money to last the rest of his life. She will likely inherit something. However, I’m thinking of telling her that she needn’t worry too much about having to save or contribute toward dad’s care, and if she wants to know more than that she can ask dad. This would surely be followed by a tantrum.
I guess it’s one of those cases where I love her as my sister, but I really don’t like her very much.
Thoughts? What shall I say?
Let her have a tantrum, who cares. Don't answer her or make yourself available to be dumped on.
She doesn't get anything while he is living and if you're clever she may not get much when he dies. You are entitled to be paid for all you do, even if you don't want it. At least she won't get if for nothing.
In my area nursing home cost is in the 10-12K a month range. Twelve months 144K!
I am thrilled to hear your Dad has saved so well as to have monies to take care of him for the rest of his life. Memory care, were he to need that, is extremely expensive. The money will hemorrhage out. You do not give his age, but he would need to be a millionaire to have enough for memory care for any amount of time.
I am also so happy to hear you are the POA. I know you understand fully the importance of now keeping filed every single bank statement, every single expenditure and every single asset incoming, so as to be able to put these in front of any enquiring entity. At worst, this sister, could bring you into court with some FAKE and FALSE accusation when her next explosion doesn't get her her way.
Now as to what you sister WANTS TO KNOW. That's tough, frankly. You are POA for your Father. Not only SHOULD YOU NOT, but you are not supposed to share his financial information with your Sister. She will find out what inheritance is coming to her when the Executor of his will or Trustee of his Trust distributes those funds after your father's death. Until then you are to act as he directs you if he is fully competent to do so, or as you believe is in his best interest --HIS best interest--when he is unable. This is not your sister's business. Her unpleasant explosions are her way of getting her own way. As Handel on the Law always likes to say, tell her to "go pound sand".
I am very much against greedy explosive siblings, and I am very relieved that you are the one in charge. Ignore her, and continue to do your best for your Dad. I wish you the best of luck.
Now, having said that, my mom had her POA/executor tell each of us kids how much we would receive in an inheritance should she die at home w/o any special care.
I don't want to hurt her feelings, but it's not much and brother was actually embarrassed to tell us how little it was.
I like ITHRR's comment that you could tell sis she probably should be looking ahead to helping OUT financially. That'll shut her up.
If I were in your position I would have his doctor give him the cognitive exam every few months. You can pass the doc a note discretely requesting this exam. I think a lot of docs do it for the elderly as a matter of course, but not always. A record of his mental state may protect him and his assets from a family predator -- the worst and often most successful kind of financial predator.
For the record, NH care in my area is around $260 per DAY. That does not include medications or any extras. If that becomes something your father needs, there may not be any inheritance to speak of. I was once in someone's will for a $10K inheritance, but there was no money left - no inheritance. Thankfully, I knew not to count on it!
If your sister is wanting Dad to gift her inheritance to her while he's still living, you will need to extremely careful with this and seek legal help before doing so.
My parents babied my brothers their entire lives. It’s sickening but at the end of the day, they will have to look at themselves in the mirror.
Consider yourself lucky, that you won’t see the same thing when you look in the mirror.
Your dad can revoke your POA anytime he wants, and if your sister pressures him enough, she might get him to do it. I wouldn't take any chances with that and get a trust set up instead, if possible. If not, get guardianship for your dad.