One year after my mom’s passing, I still feel guilty over the DNR and DNI orders.
My dear mom passed away almost one year ago at the age of 94. This happened after her suffering a mini stroke, then had to stay in 3 different assisted living homes during a 9 month period. At her last assisted living she was happy and making friends. I had taken over as her POA, and the assisted living home before the final one had insisted I select DNR on her records. I did not feel comfortable about it but they convinced me it was the best course of action given her advanced age. At her last (and best) assisted living, she suffered aUTI in early December 2023, recovered; then contracted Covid mid December 2023, but also recovered. Everything seemed well until 4-3-2024, when she suffered another mini stroke. The ER doctor was not as concerned about that as he was another UTI that she had with septic shock. Her heart was erratic and she was airlifted to a hospital 69 miles away. The ICU there treated her on the 3rd and on the 4th they asked whether she had a DNI since they saw the DNR on her records. I didn’t even know what this was but they explained it and insisted that I should put it on her records. I told them I wasn’t sure but they insisted and I allowed it. Then on the 5th, she improved and was moved upstairs to a regular patient room. I was very happy about that. However by 4-7 she was struggling and I was asked if they could put her on a respirator. I said yes and they did. It basically kept her alive but her organs were all failing. By the 10th they had me fill out Hospice paperwork and by the 13th it was suggested the respirator be removed. I agreed and she passed a few moments after with her family by her side. I rationally know that I did not cause her death but I can’t shake this horrible feeling that I was somehow at least partially responsible. It’s a horrible thing to have to make these type of decisions for someone you love. Has anyone else had this happen.
The most recent updating of the DSM-5 includes "complicated grieving" as a diagnosis, and really it is. It becomes a sort of habitual turning over and over and questions and so on, rather than being able to walk into grief, and get though it the only way it can be got through, with acceptance, and with memories of good times. You will be greatly helped by a good cognitive grief counselor in helping you to change the pathways you are walking and wearing down through your mind.
As an RN I will leave you with this. In a 50 year period I never ONCE witnessed a 94 year old who survived CPR. I think it a cruelty to do to a 94 year old, and I have had to do it when families could not accept the natural losses that occur in our lives. I will tell you what happens when you do chest compressions on a 94 year old chest. You feel that chest shatter beneath your hands. You literally are forced to kill someone who has already passed peacefully, by trying to bring them back by crushing your chest. You never get over the feeling of it, which feels like a "sound". Difficult to explain. You should be very happy you never had to witness such a thing for one you loved, imho.
Annie Dillard says that "we live our lives as though hundred of thousands had not lived before us, and as though there will not be hundreds of thousands yet to come" and she is so right. We are but a blip in time. But for YOU that loving mom was so much more. Do her now the honor of peacefully letting her go. I can promise you, if you live to 100 she will be with you. I am 83 and likely facing down my own life's end; it would shatter me completely to think my daughter would be in pain when I am gone.
My heart goes out to you. Think on it. Your mom isn't gone. And when you stop GRIEVING her she won't be gone either. A part of me thinks that you think the only way to KEEP her with you is to mourn her. But the truth is she won't ever not be with you, and by the way, that works for better and worse. Many whose mother's limitations meant they had little to give in love to their children, aren't gone either. Mom's will just bug you FOREVER! Let yourself smile a second about that one, Desert Rose!
My M-I-L was 98 with heart failure. Both my husband and sister in law said DNR when she was admitted to hospital and she went peacefully. There was a newly qualified junior doctor on the ward and he was horrified with the DNR until my s-i-l (who was a hospital chaplain) pointed out CPR would most likely have broken her ribs.
The bible refers to "three score year and 10" (70 years) and my husband has reached that. He sees every day as a "bonus" now. My first husband died at 46 from cancer, he was in a hospice and died painlessly. I grieved for a long time then let go, in the knowledge that when my number is called I will meet him again. Ironically he will still be 46 and I will be at least 20 years older 😂😂.
OP, you made the right call. The grief will pass, look forward to the time you will meet in the next world, whatever that may be.
The 1st everything is terribly hard when losing someone we love.
You did great by and for your mom, she was blessed to have you, don't let the static of everything that happened in the end cause you to forget that.
You made hard decisions and I think we would all be very blessed to have someone that loves us making those decisions.
It's so hard to watch our loved ones declining. It's natural for us to want to keep them with us as long as we can. But that isn't always what's best for them.
This isn't about your causing her death; you didn't. You were her loving advocate until the end. You did your best. Mom's body had worn out and was no longer capable of sustaining her. If you hadn't allowed her to die naturally, she would have been trapped with those machines and suffering a long drawn-out death. That's not really living, and she would have died very soon anyway. It was her time.
Because you had the courage to allow the respirator to be removed, you saved mom from that awful ordeal. I hope that my daughter, when my time comes, will do for me what you did for your mom. It is the ultimate kindness that a child can do for a parent.
Yes It is very hard to make tough decisions for those we love. ((Hugs)).
As far as I am concerned, DNR orders should be automatic, and people should have to sign a form to opt out. When the body is ready to shut down, hooking them up to 10 machines is generally not the best idea.
Mom was 94 and had a long life in which she was surrounded by loving family and friends old and new.
I still have sadness about some of the decisions I had to make at Mom's end of life.
My condolences on the loss of your mom. You both went through so much. With her continuing issues, it seems it was just her time.
Are you a member or regular attender of a church, synagogue, mosque, or temple? If so, talk to a clergy member there. She/he may also know about a grief support group. The hospice that assisted her should also have provided grief counseling or a grief support group. Grief counseling is also available via GriefShare (do an Internet search for a GriefShare group near you). While they usually meet in a house of worship or its fellowship hall, you don't have to be religious to participate in their groups.
I suggest you get some grief therapy because what you're allowing yourself to go thru isn't fair or just. You deserve peace.
You can’t tell me you would have felt better if she suffered another year or two.
Grief isn’t rational. Death comes for all of us and it’s ok for a dying 94 year old to die. There are worse things than dying and suffering at the end of a long life is one of them.
Her journey on earth was done.
Last year I had to remove my 57 year old brother from life support. He had cardiogenic shock (alcoholism a contributing factor). He was literally trying to die while on life support.
I have no guilt or grief about this. Although we had not discussed it, I don’t think anyone would want to live in a vegetative state, suffering, trying to die.
His journey was over and there was nothing any of us could do about that so I freed him from his dying earth body.
Your mother had a lot of health issues going on and what a blessing that she got to leave this world for the next with her family by her side.
So yes, while the decisions you made for your mother were difficult, they were done with her best interests in mind and if she was here, she would say a big thank you for everything you did for her.
And I believe she would also tell you to let this go as she is now at peace and wants you to have peace as well.
God bless you.