Last month I spent 400 hours with mom. One sibling lives away and comes in at least one weekend a month to give me a break. The other sibling reluctantly spends one night a week but thinks it is unnecessary. How can I help them see the truth?
You really can't. You can't change others. You can consider placement. Otherwise you will be yet another victim of Beatty's adage about "There will be no solutions as long as you are all of the solutions". I wish you the best moving forward. I hope you will consider yourself moving forward.
Agreeing with BarbBrooklyn. It's past time for an assessment and a new strategy for your mom's care.
Your profile says you're caring for your Mom who has dementia/Alzheimer's. You cannot continue such work at the level you're doing. You risk health issues for YOU.
I encourage you to talk with your mom and your sisters about the next step such as hiring in-home care if you can afford it or a long-term care facility.
I'm sorry you and your mom are dealing with this. Best wishes to you both.
What I see here is 2 against 1. Doesn't the weekend one see what you do? I agree, get an assessment done. If you feel there is Dementia of some sort, get Mom to a neurologist. You and sisters need to be aware that Dementia does not get any better. My Moms decline was monthly.
When I worked, as a secretary, for a Visiting Nurse Assoc., we had a client, with Dementia, who was doing well on her own until one day she wasn't. It literally happened overnight. One of the Nurses called me and told me to get hold of the woman's niece. Seems the woman wouldn't let the Nurse in and kept saying that she was not at home she had gone shopping. The head nurse called it an episode. The woman was placed in a NH which she adapted to very well. Actually thought she was in a hotel and the staff were very good to her.
If you are putting in this many hours a month, you Mom needs 24/7 care.
You can't make your siblings see that mom needs more help because they already know she needs more. You cannot make them start helping out more either. My friend, if you're spending 400 hours a month doing for mom you've become the designated caregiver. The convenient choice, if you will and your siblings likely will not lift a finger to help. Why would they? Both of them know that mom is being well looked after and probably for free by you already. They don't want to do it and because you've had it put on you, they don't have to. Hire outside help to come and relieve some of the burden that's on you. Pay for it out of your mother's income. If your siblings have a problem with it then tell them they're more than welcome to take over.
If you are being the solution to the issue that they won't recognize, you can just about forget about bringing them on board. Some siblings just don't help out, others refuse to see what is in plain sight because it is frightening or it just interrupts their lifestyles.
400 hours per month is a "killer" routine and you are the one being killed. You could point out that is a lot more time that you would spend on a job even at 60 hours per week!! I agree with the other posters that to prove you point going forward you need to have a new evaluation of Mom from her PCP and perhaps a neurologist as to what level of care she needs. Make sure you get their determination in writing and then present it to the family. That way you can decide what care is best for Mom and the family. Of course, care has costs associated with it and all expenses for Mom's care should be paid out of her resources. I hope you or someone has DPOA and Medical Proxy for Mom.
So sorry you and your family are going through this. Hugs
I completely agree - you can't make them help - you are going to have to make a decision. Are you at the point where YOU are ready to look at the full picture of your mom's needs and how to holistically address them. 400 hours a month of your time? Is that something YOU can continue to sustain indefinitely? It doesn't sound like it. It certainly sounds like your mother's needs are not something she is able to maintain independently - and it is only because you are intervening that she is able to continue living the way she is accustomed. If that is the case - getting that needs assessment is important. If she needs 24/7 care - unless you are willing - and I'm not advising this - to step in and provide that on your own, it may be time to look into your other options. Typically the needs are going to increase, not decrease. Your long distance sibling is not likely going to be able to increase their visits to match the increased need. Your less involved sibling has already expressed that they don't wish to be involved. So that increase is going to fall on your shoulders.
You need to consider your other options. We are at this point now. My BIL and SIL moved in with FIL temporarily and his needs increased exponentially at a rapid and alarming rate. He believes they should be able to provide for all of his needs and it is just impossible. We are now looking into skilled nursing options because his care is more than even the combined forces of all of the siblings could handle if that was even an option. Sometimes the most caring option may not feel like it. Sometimes the option that is best for everyone may cause some pain in the interim.
You can ask for copies of her medical records that detail her problems and the "help" she needs. However, you can't make anybody help more than he or she is willing. Better option is to enlarge the caregiving support team. Ask other family members, friends, members of your faith community and paid help to "fill in gaps" or help in any way that the person is comfortable with.
Imho, you cannot, nor will not be able to change the mindset of even a relative to provide care for your mother. Just know that YOU are a wonderful caregiver.
What IS that truth? *That Mom needs 24hr care* OK.
Some will not want to see/unable to see due to denial. Some are just clueless no matter what is before their eyes. I'd save my time. They are adults & have brains & eyes in their heads.
To add to the truth.. + that 24hr care is too much for any ONE person + that if regular reliable care is required - occassional care provided by partially willing adult children around their own families, work & busy lives will not be enough.
"How can I get them to help more?" Short answer is you can't.
Guilt, anger, pleading will probably just lead to frustrations on both sides - not any real, regular help (which is what you need). So skip all that.
Redirect your energy to the real cause: A new care plan for Mom that meets her needs.
PS sorry if I sound harsh 🤗. I am still trying not to get resentful over my own sibs (seemingly unable to use their eyes) 😤
You say mom is living at home and has dementia. Is she living in her home or your home? If she is living in her home she needs someone there 24/7 given the diagnosis of dementia. Is is possible to find a Memory Care facility for her? other option... Hire a caregiver to take some of the work load off you. Mom pays for the caregiver, use whatever funds she has. If the one that comes 1 night a week has a problem with that then that sibling can come a bit more often and save the expense of the caregiver for that time. If funds are low begin the process of Medicaid application. If she is in her own home consider the possibility of selling and using those funds for care.
Be aware that your siblings are under no obligation to provide hands on care for mom.
Sometimes siblings are reluctant to provide care because they feel that they are propping up an insupportable situation.
Your profile says you're caring for your Mom who has dementia/Alzheimer's. You cannot continue such work at the level you're doing. You risk health issues for YOU.
I encourage you to talk with your mom and your sisters about the next step such as hiring in-home care if you can afford it or a long-term care facility.
I'm sorry you and your mom are dealing with this. Best wishes to you both.
When I worked, as a secretary, for a Visiting Nurse Assoc., we had a client, with Dementia, who was doing well on her own until one day she wasn't. It literally happened overnight. One of the Nurses called me and told me to get hold of the woman's niece. Seems the woman wouldn't let the Nurse in and kept saying that she was not at home she had gone shopping. The head nurse called it an episode. The woman was placed in a NH which she adapted to very well. Actually thought she was in a hotel and the staff were very good to her.
If you are putting in this many hours a month, you Mom needs 24/7 care.
My friend, if you're spending 400 hours a month doing for mom you've become the designated caregiver. The convenient choice, if you will and your siblings likely will not lift a finger to help. Why would they? Both of them know that mom is being well looked after and probably for free by you already. They don't want to do it and because you've had it put on you, they don't have to.
Hire outside help to come and relieve some of the burden that's on you. Pay for it out of your mother's income. If your siblings have a problem with it then tell them they're more than welcome to take over.
400 hours per month is a "killer" routine and you are the one being killed. You could point out that is a lot more time that you would spend on a job even at 60 hours per week!! I agree with the other posters that to prove you point going forward you need to have a new evaluation of Mom from her PCP and perhaps a neurologist as to what level of care she needs. Make sure you get their determination in writing and then present it to the family. That way you can decide what care is best for Mom and the family. Of course, care has costs associated with it and all expenses for Mom's care should be paid out of her resources. I hope you or someone has DPOA and Medical Proxy for Mom.
So sorry you and your family are going through this. Hugs
If the shoe was on the other foot they would see things differently.
My brother did nothing but criticize.
Mom started it all by stirring the pot, then turning my brothers against me.
I told him that if I was doing everything so wrong, that he could take over. I packed mom’s room up and off she went.
After quite some time, he apologized to me. So did mom.
She’s in a hospice house now with Parkinson’s disease.
My brothers who rarely came to see her at my home are there all of the time.
Who knows why things are the way they are?
I stopped trying to figure people out. I focus on myself.
If caregiving becomes too much and it definitely sounds like it has, then do everything you can to place her in a facility.
I could be mean and say, to accidentally come up with some sort of ‘sickness’ and tell them that they must take over for awhile.
I guarantee that once they do it for a substantial amount of time they will know how difficult it truly is to be a primary caregiver.
I hope you find a suitable solution very soon.
Take care.
You need to consider your other options. We are at this point now. My BIL and SIL moved in with FIL temporarily and his needs increased exponentially at a rapid and alarming rate. He believes they should be able to provide for all of his needs and it is just impossible. We are now looking into skilled nursing options because his care is more than even the combined forces of all of the siblings could handle if that was even an option. Sometimes the most caring option may not feel like it. Sometimes the option that is best for everyone may cause some pain in the interim.
What IS that truth?
*That Mom needs 24hr care* OK.
Some will not want to see/unable to see due to denial. Some are just clueless no matter what is before their eyes. I'd save my time. They are adults & have brains & eyes in their heads.
To add to the truth..
+ that 24hr care is too much for any ONE person
+ that if regular reliable care is required - occassional care provided by partially willing adult children around their own families, work & busy lives will not be enough.
"How can I get them to help more?"
Short answer is you can't.
Guilt, anger, pleading will probably just lead to frustrations on both sides - not any real, regular help (which is what you need). So skip all that.
Redirect your energy to the real cause:
A new care plan for Mom that meets her needs.
PS sorry if I sound harsh 🤗. I am still trying not to get resentful over my own sibs (seemingly unable to use their eyes) 😤
Is she living in her home or your home?
If she is living in her home she needs someone there 24/7 given the diagnosis of dementia.
Is is possible to find a Memory Care facility for her?
other option...
Hire a caregiver to take some of the work load off you.
Mom pays for the caregiver, use whatever funds she has.
If the one that comes 1 night a week has a problem with that then that sibling can come a bit more often and save the expense of the caregiver for that time.
If funds are low begin the process of Medicaid application. If she is in her own home consider the possibility of selling and using those funds for care.