On the fence about taking mom to ER.
Mom is 80 and has some form of dementia. We have a follow up appointment with Neruo Dr in August hopefully then we can get a diagnosis and have my POA invoked. She is refusing to move to AL.
Mom currently lives alone and is not cooperative when it comes to her care. She refuses to shower most of the time along with the usual not wanted to take meds, short term memory loss etc. So, I hired an CNA to come help with meal prep, companionship, make sure she showers, and light housekeeping. Mom is also against this idea and has told her brother that if we try to bring in help or move her she's better off dead and will probably resort to taking pills or throwing herself down the basement stairs. We do have cameras placed on the outside of the house and in her TV room, kitchen and hallway. My siblings and I monitor this way for now on days we cannot visit.
I am trying to keep mom in her house because that is her wish, she has a clingy untrained dog ( I know AL will not allow this), and because of the 5 year financial look back. The house was transferred to me and my siblings 2.5 years ago. Right now I think I have enough saved ( her money) to pay for 2 years of AL.
A RN from the agency came this morning to evaluate mom and I told her all the issues mom has including what she told her brother last week. Mom was nice to the RN but still wouldn't change her clothes or shower but she was able to answer most of the questions that were asked. BP, HR and Oxygen levels were all good except her body temp was 96.6. As the RN was leaving she said to keep an eye on body temp and advised me on the signs of sepsis ( mom is showing no other symptoms) and leaves with no advice of the suicide threats. I know many elderly use this manipulation tactic.
Should I just keep monitoring mom or are we better off calling an ambulance to the ER for evaluation and use that as a way to get her help and out of the house? She will not let me take her voluntarily in my car. Moving mom in with me is not an option because of her dog and my comfort level in giving her what she needs.
What would you guys do?
BTW she was checked for a UTI 2 weeks ago and was negative. Unless something has changed now?
It is my considered opinion that you now call an ambulance and have your mother transported to hospital. At the point she is being SEEN and is in care, leave the premises with your phone number. WHEN THEY CALL tell them she has not been safe at home prior to this illness and will not be safe to return home, that she has refused to give POA and is likely too demented to confer it on someone. That you do not wish to be guardian for someone uncooperative and living in great danger to herself. That she requires placement and guardianship of the state and you cannot help with her.
Short of this, call APS today and discuss options with them.
I am so sorry. I understand that this is difficult. Your mother may wish to die in her own home, may prefer that. Are you ready then to say "Pretend that this is the 17th century and let her die in her home?" It doesn't sound to me as though you would want to live with that decision.
Thank you for replying and the advice, I greatly appreciate it. No, I don't want to live with that decision because I already lost a sibling to suicide 11 years ago. I'm torn because she didn't say the threat to me directly.
This is all so hard.
Here is the perfect place to 'burden' the forum. You'll find a lot of like minded souls here. We've heard it all.
Getting support and ideas about how to proceed are the basis of this site. Use us.
AS far as your mom--my mom used the suicide threat my entire life when she was upset or angry. It was very damaging to me, to have her say "if you don't do this or that, I'll just kill myself' and then I would have panic attacks about her doing just that. I was 30 years old before I realized she wasn't going to do ANYTHING to harm herself. It was manipulation.
I wouldn't worry about the body temp. I run cold--97.0 always. I have a fever if I am 98.6--I'd be far more concerned about her mental state.
Good Luck. This is hard!
I know she's manipulating me and it's extra cruel because we already lost a brother to suicide years ago.
She's already on anti depressants, that do work some days, just not every.
Yes, so hard.
You might let your mother know that if you hear from her or from others that she's threatening suicide, then you will be "beholden" legally to call for an ambulance to take her to hospital. There they will do a 5150 or 72 hour "hold" and she will be tested whether she likes it or not. If her testing shows her to be unsafe at home alone she will be given a court appointed guardian and she will be placed in safe care.
This, lovingly said to her, will perhaps stop the threats. And if not, then call the ambulance and "let it all begin".
I was a homecare worker for 25 years and now am in the business of it. I can tell you that I've heard the suicide threat many times from many manipulative, elderly clients whose stubbornness wasn't being catered to or were not getting their own way on something.
In 25 years, I never knew a single one that actually followed through with it though. I've known a few family caregivers who were nearly driven to an act of desperation by an aging "loved one" (myself included). A friend of mine who was the sole caregiver to her MIL almost succeeded. She recovered. So, don't worry so much about her threats. No one ever made it to 80 years because they truly have suicidal tendencies.
It's time for you and your siblings to make it very plain to your mother that she has TWO choices here, Yes, TWO and no more. Here they are.
Choice #1) Live-in caregivers move in (it's always best to split the week, or one does weekdays, one weekends). Also, she cooperates with care and this is how she stays living in her own home.
Choice #2) Continue the resistance to care, the stubbornness, the manipulation, guilt-trip attempts, and being a senior-brat. Keep it up then go directly into a nursing home. If the stubbornness gets to the point where the situation becomes dangerous because of it, the State will put her in a "home". Against her wishes and will and that of her family as well.
I have seen this happen many times too.
So you and the family sit down with her and explain it in these plain terms. Then you do what you have to. If that means placement, then placement it is.
You also do not have to wait for her to say it to you directly to call 911 after hearing that she made a suicide threat. Honestly, if they take her in, this may be the start of the end of the frustration for you.