What should we do about a man (90) seeing 2 younger women and giving his money away?

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My father is healthy and up to a couple of months ago when his car broke down he was driving. My sister and I know about the 2 younger women and have discussed the fact that he was giving his money away but because he seemed to be in his right mind we left it alone. Before his care broke down his soc and retirement checks were gone by the middle of the month. Again it is his money. He lives with my sister who charges him nothing so he should have money. A few weeks ago my sister called me because one of the women had picked him up and when he was dropped back off his face was bruised, swollen and bleeding. She took to.the hospital. The police were called. Because he could not or would not say what happened there was nothing the police could do. We are pretty sure he did not fall because his clothing was not wet or dirty and we live where there is lots of snow right now. The police involved have told us that this women is not a good person and they are looking for her because of other charges against her. My father gets very upset with my sister and I because we have made a decision not to take him to the area this women lives in. Both women live close to each other. My sister and I don't want or need his money but we don't like seeing him taken advantage of. When we try to get him involved with activities with people his age he calls them old. Wondering at his age should we do what we think is right to keep him safe or should we let him do what makes him happy. A promise was made to my mom that we would take care of him after she died. I don't know what the right decision is. How in control should we be of his life when he seems to be in his right mind.

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My heart goes out to you because I know how difficult this is. When my Dad was in his 80s he started giving money to young women. It was anything from wiring hundreds of dollars at a time to someone in another country to paying for the repairs on the car of a woman who bagged his groceries. It made him feel good to think he was helping people. I fussed with him about it a bit, but like you allowed this to go on because he had sufficient money to take care of himself. However, there was a point it went too far.

There are resources who can help you. In each State, there are elder advocates. When a person we had hired to be a companion to Dad was having him pay for things that were not appropriate (e.g. clothes and manicure /pedicures), I took him to meet with an advocate. She told him that her responsibility was to him, not to me or anyone else. That was good because she made it clear she was not there to support what I wanted. She then told him an example of someone who had signed away his vehicle to a young woman who he thought cared for him.

My sister and I then met with the caregiver at a public location and requested that she stay away from Dad. He was very angry with me and told me I was trying to ruin his life. It was horrible because we were close and I wanted him to be happy. The now former caregiver then contacted him secretly and since he was living alone we were unaware of what was happening. We learned that she was back in the picture when we hired someone to live with him to help around the house and with cooking, and to be a companion and go do fun activities. He fired her and threw her out of the house because the former caregiver had been staying there some of the time. What was most insidious about the situation is the former caregiver was clearly coaching him to hide what was happening. If there was one thing that put me into super protective mode it was to try to get between me and my Dad. In the end, we did what you have done and removed him from the situation where this person could get easy access.

Because of this, I would encourage you to keep your Dad living with your sister. He can be active and get out and do things, and if he gives his money away, he'll still be safe and cared for. If he is living in independent or assisted living, you have no idea where he goes or with whom. At the same time, I would try to find activities that he can do on his own so he has some autonomy. Once in his 90s, Dad enjoyed going on weekly excursions with a local group that plans activities for people with disabilities. They qualified him because he was "unsteady" on his feet. Though most were older, they did things like going canoeing, to the rodeo, to the movies, and camping. It was not just playing bingo. He made friends and enjoyed himself.

I hope something in all of that is helpful.
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🏦💒 liamalove(or whatever you call youself) do not be so judgmental until you have walked a mile in that persons shoes
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Hard to judge...he might just be starved for companionship and making poor choices...giving these women money or treating them makes him feel like the big man on campus or the virulent provider he once was or wishes to see himself as.

Sit him down and try to have logical but frank discussion on how dating has changed and can be dangerous. Next tell him if he lives with you and continues down this road and puts YOUR family at risk (maybe one of these women will come to your house and steal, get your personal info etc) that he will have to move elsewhere or agree to have him contribute to expenses and you safe keep that money....give him an allowance.
Not sure any of this will work, but threatening that he will need to move may straighten him up or he may really move. Get him involved at senior center, bluebird trips, church, etc where he can meet others and occupy his time, maybe meet a more appropriate female companion that you can welcome in your home.
Good luck.
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He is not in his right mind!
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I am with CM on the senior activities. iItoo will take the red hot needles to the eyeballs.
Of course Dad still wants a bit of hanky panky whether he is capable or not but I won't get into what the younger generation thinks is appropriate for us elders. It is well known that men who have affairs and are financially abused are too ashamed to take action against the perpetrator and do their best to hide their transgressions. As I posted earlier it is just possible that Dad learned his lesson this time. there is certainly something he does not want the daughters to find out.
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The point is you don't know what's going on, and the part you do know is worrisome. Yes, be respectful of his autonomy, but HELLO, THAT RESPECT GOES BOTH WAYS. This is something I often see missing in the dilemmas that caregivers talk about here, namely, there is a relationship here, between the daughters and the dad. On the one hand we caregivers reasonably want to (and in fact must) respect the elder's autonomy -- but that doesn't mean standing by without a word while dangerous things happen and it certainly doesn't mean helping to make dangerous things happen. In the other direction, the elder wants to retain as much control of his life as possible -- but that doesn't mean failing to communicate with people who love him and are trying to help. It's funny to notice this, but we caregivers often put ourselves in a position where we have to act like the adult, but we still think it's ok to be treated like children. Where is the peer-to-peer discussion? Ok, fine, our elders may not automatically treat us like peers, but that doesn't mean it isn't time for everybody to grow into that kind of interaction. Bottom line, if an elder is still capable of making decisions he's ALSO capable of an adult interaction where decisions are explained if not taken collaboratively. And if he's not capable of an adult interaction then he's likely headed toward not being capable of making decisions on his own. The piece missing right now is sane, grown-up conversations between adults of two generations.
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Well it could be - or he could have slipped and fallen on virtually any indoor surface and been too embarrassed and annoyed to say so. No one likes to make a fool of himself in front of his bit on the side. My mother had a small fall onto a carpeted floor and looked like someone had taken a sledgehammer to her - it really doesn't take much to make a terrifying-looking mess of elderly skin.
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Leakey its not about cutting the mustard or enjoying sex and companionship these women are known by the police and are taking his money and bringing him home with injuries. He may or may not have dementia but he is making poor choices for himself with safety in mind.
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Bruised, swollen, bleeding face? Papa's now into S & M, especially the M? That sounds like a dangerous and exploitative situation.
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"Dad, I'm not taking you anywhere until I hear a sensible explanation of how you came to be so bashed up. If there was no harm in it, why won't you tell us what happened?" Then your sister folds her arms and hides her car keys.

If either of those two ladies is worthwhile, they'd be on the phone making concerned enquiries about how he's doing - and IF that happens you can always relent later. If not, good riddance to them. Sort him out some lively company with broad-minded ladies who are as lonely as he is, there's no shortage; but don't insult him with "age appropriate" activities. Remember that one day you and I will have those inflicted on us, and frankly I'd rather stick red hot needles in my eyeballs than sing along to badly played show tunes.

Meanwhile, your sister should keep a weather eye on him for any other changes in personality or behaviour, which need reporting to his PCP a.s.a.p. I'm delighted that he hasn't lost his taste for a rip-roaring time, but unless he was always like that it should ring alarm bells.
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