Is it okay to hate your family?

Well, I have been up all night, again, due to the added stress my sister puts on me, so YES! I HATE that bitch!

proportion is such a difficult concept. you dont want to be a pushover but somewhere in my 55 yrs on earth ive learned to ignore someone who is trying to disturb me. end of life care is rough on all involved. i dont particularily like my two sisters. everything they say has to be reconfigured to align with the facts but were still family and may someday need each other.
my 25 yr old son works with me and drives me nuts but im trying to work on being more patient with him all the while holding back and letting lifes lessons introduce themselves to him in his own time. so yea, proportion is so difficult. im going to go cut wood in the wet snow today because he has sold his share of the wood cutting for pot money. hes imperfect but only a maniac would have stuck with me for this many years.

chrissie - I understand and have been looking at the end of my tether a few times this past week. The thing is, you can't stop them from being who they are. Hate is a strong word, and my take on hate is that it does more harm to the hater than the hatee, and I don't want to do that to myself. On the other hand, I do have some strong feelings and need to protect myself, as much as possible from the stress, they, in my case my sis, causes me. That is not easy, but, I am the one who has to look after me, no matter what others do or say. Is your anger or mine justifiable, probably.

boni ((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))) boy, it is tough! I am working on lowering stress - it is what I can do.

cap - in my case, honestly, if the time came when I needed family, my sis would not help. I have had ample experience of that in the past . Would I help her ?Probably, because that is my nature. I hear you about your son. Three of my children are/were addicts. One is dead, one has achieved a complete recovery, and one is sober, but hard to get along with. I hung in there with them, did what I could, but the one who is still toxic is becoming more and more peripheral to my life. That's tough love, too. When you get to my age, survival becomes a bigger issue.

I don't really hate them just pissed

figured that - me too ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) and work on decreasing your stress. These situations are very difficult

The most painful anger is that which involves belief that the other person(s) SHOULD be different than they are -- think differently, behave differently, whatever.

We don't have the power to change others or anything else in the world. All we can control is our reaction to what is.

What makes these family issues particularly difficult is that under it all we love the other people, whether we want to admit it or not. And that's okay. Of course we love our family. Although in some cases it's best to love from afar. Right?

Blessings to you for the freedom that comes with letting things BE.

I don't hate my family... that would be more about me than about them... but I have chosen to 'divorce' myself from the toxic drama.... I have worked too hard to become 'healthy', and when I used to leave from being around them for any length of time I always felt 'shredded'.....so for me, hating takes too much energy, that has a never ending loop....I try to put that energy into letting go and letting them be who they are.... it's not up to me... it's up to them.... but no one has the power to keep me from getting on with my life....that to me is freedom.

CaptianChrissie, I didn't think you really hated them! I say this because when I've so damn hurt at whatever injustice I've said I hate...... But really I'm just so dame tired and hurt deeply wounded at begin left with all of this mess to clean up from my parents self centered mistakes, they are very ill, mentally and otherwise. Still doesn't mean I don't get sick of dealing with it, but I try to look at this as a character building experience, seems like the only way to survive it these days. Apparently you're the only one who will take charge you're the strongest, with the most integrity honor, the brave one. It's normal to feel angry don't stuff the anger it will make you sick, so what if you get pissed off say things out of anger it happens. I've had the help of strangers, professionals to deal with my parents, as my fathers sisters are useless. I call them the Killer Ants, their like Fire Ants they swing in town screw things up and leave, yep they piss me off. Hate is a strong word I used it when my ex boyfriend walked out on my in the middle of all of this, but I was deeply wounded, I'm glad he's gone. Take care of yourself, it's alright to feel hurt and angry, it's what you do with that anger, I really hate to have to say I'm sorry after I've blown up, but to "err is human to forgive is divine" Alexander Pope . Forgive yourself!

I don't hate either. But the family drama and the additional stress of siblings that do no understand because they do nothing to help is their problem. There is nothing I can do about it. I have been know to leave the phone and e-mails unanswered. It is more stress waiting, hoping that they will change. They are in their own worlds, I in mine, and they are completely different.

We are all products of our environments. We can control ourselves and our feelings, but nobody else's.

Thanks , yeh just got the phone call I was dreading , and I am calm .
Thanks for your insights
I don't hate my family just there actions

Well in honor of Mandela or Mandiba, to paraphrase...anger or resentment towards another is like drinking poison and expecting them to die.

Yes , so true.
I am getting better

Your brothers have been conditioned not to bark at the alpha dog (dad). Daughters are ten times more likely to nurture, sometimes to the point of obsession. Somewhere in the middle of all this is dad, who enjoys both the submission of the sons and the fawning attention from his daughter. So who is dividing and conquering? Dad. Think about it, sort it out, and come up with a strategy that works better than fighting amongst yourselves. It won't be easy.

Mums the alpha , than 3 brothers and I am at the bottom .

Dad is a sweetie . Any way , I am not getting involved with there decision , I will just keep on loving dad and spending time with him.
My brothers have made there own bed

Just a thought on the Alpha piece. Two rams are butting heads, as a female is watching, the ram who wins is the alpha male, but wait out of the woods comes an omega male and he mates with the female while the other two ram each other, sorry, just something about the alpha thing brought this up, LOL. Better to be an omega in my opinion.

i had to attend 13 weeks of anger mgmt several years ago during my divorce. hell yea i was angry. good teacher. i asked him how do you deal with someone who is passive aggressive and knows how to push your various buttons. he replied that those buttons belong to me and i should control them.
i also learned that he who angers you controls you.
its an ongoing process tho.
so me and the bastard kid went and cut him a load of wood today. i was kind and showed much restraint. it was good quality time and i know he understood the concept. sometimes i roar but then give him space and time to think. kind of like a dam hog. you give a 300 lb hog time to think or he'll bust both your legs and your spine. lol. jake would make 3 of me. have to choose my battles..

@Cap'n, was the 300 lb hog a teaching tool used in anger management class?

I love you so much Captain.... you are the brother I always wanted..... I said 'brother' because I didn't want you to think I'm a cyberstalker!!!!

Well my brother "won" , he is the alpha.
Dad is still in the home that isn't great and mum is still complaining to me about it. My brother claims it was her decision not to move dad !!!
I think that is poppycock

Captianchrissie, Well just when I give you advise I should listen to myself! But like I said the hurt is so deep it feels like HATE, so right now I hate my dads selfish sisters the Killer Ant! Hate them, got the news they are both DPOA MOA you name it. They've done nothing to help my parents they left town didn't even bring my parents closes to where. The nursing home is treating me like I'm invisible, I'm my parents only child, the Killer Ant's now have the power to stop me from even seeing my parents or calling them. Yes I hate them right now I'm that hurt. I reached out to them saying we as a family could do better than this. It's not about how we feel about each other, but mom and dads end of life issue no reply. Can't stand them! My father said he had no idea they were his dpoa, I've contacted yet another attorney my heart is torn up. I read earlier today that caregiver have a 30% rate of death over the persons they are caring for due to stress! Sorry but I'm pissed the Killer Ants have done nothing to help my parents!!!!!

Zoo-
When looking for an attorney you might want to make sure you retain a litigator. There are many elder law attorneys that are good for estate planning and such, but in situations like mine and maybe yours, an attorney with significant court room experience is needed.

I just feel so hopeless tonight I want it all over one way or another I don't want to live life on this roller coaster any longer but thank you glanimhere

HUGS Zoolife, that's awful! I was wondering how you are doing. So the Killer A(u)nts have all the authority but have basically abandoned your father in the nursing home? If they are totally uninvolved maybe the state would revoke their DPOA and assign a guardian, perhaps you, instead?

I ended up in a crazy lock down ward last night because I was so distraught and couldn't tell the familly why.

Luckily they realised me knowing i was just heart broken and not crazy

Chrissie-
This morning I am with you. May be my turn tonight.

Hello Bermuda, good to hear from you! Yes I use the Killer Ants their like the red ants they stink the like fire, disrespectfully. In some way it gives me pleasure you would have to know them. I pray I've found an attorney to help she is newer to one of the largest firms in Virginia her fees are not outrageous. She seems compassionate to these issues, has worked with the attorney who started this mess and states they she and the other attorney have very different personalities. The newest attorney is going to speak to the trust attorney in Texas and that other she devil attorney in who started this later today. God I hope this goes well. I have so much to do that never Killer Ant could figure out! Thanks for your support!

How are you getting on Chrissie? xxx

I am willing to bet that everyone in this website has experienced what you are felling at one point or another. I have found myself waiting for my dad's funeral and imagining yelling at my brother for any possible tear I would see. To answer your question, yes, it is very understandable. I have found a support group that has been very helpful in understanding all the frustrations I go through. I have a place where I can vent and also get advice. Just know that there are experts everywhere, especially those who don't know anything about your situation or have ever experienced caretaking. B est to you.

I dislike my family. I've spent many, many years helping my parents. All of them were off in their own little worlds. When my father became ill, I stepped up. Now that my mom can't live on her own, she is living with us.
When something doesn't go my siblings way, the shit hits the fan. If I ask for help, I am attacking them. If I call them on something, I am picking on them. If I ask for help in paying for something, they are all broke.
I stopped asking. I dislike them immensely. I don't hate them but sometimes I get so angry that I feel like I do.
I do not like my drama filled family and will change my phone number once my mom passes and all her things are distributed. MY life is better without them.
If I ever needed help from them, for any reason, I would not get it. Would I help them in the future? If they can't contact me I will never know.
Sounds cold? In my heart I have no feelings for them.

I think most of us can understand exactly how you feel, PinkLA x