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Mom lives with me is housebound but not bed bound, COPD/oxygen 24/7, anxiety/paranoia, and arthritis/muscular-skeletal pain. She needs help with carrying laundry basket up and downstairs, and a little with meal prep when she has a bad day. Every time I talk about taking a trip with my husband, she says, "Oh, I can manage perfectly well for a couple of days". Problem is, I would like to go for a week or 10 days, or it's kinda not worth going considering what the travel costs. I have offered to find someone to come in a few times for a few hours, and she starts fussing about things that need done before I go anywhere. She tells me to go, and says just plan it, but then lays all of her anxiety on me via small insignificant things and sarcasm. She says we don't need to pay money for someone to come in (she doesn't want to spend, and I even offered to pay it) and she doesn't want to be bothered with someone coming in, worries they'll bug her to death or come when she wants to be napping so it would be a waste). A million reasons why not to. Then she tells me she doesn't want to talk about it anymore and claims I'm making her out to be the bad guy when I want to address her concerns logically. I usually try to leave the room at that point rather than argue with her, or she will say something passive aggressive and go back upstairs. She can't take anti-depressants, and the counselor that was coming to see her didn't help much so she discontinued the services. We have not had home care before, and truthfully I'm a little anxious about having a stranger in our home, but willing to take a chance and give it a try to keep my own sanity and get my batteries recharged. I know I shouldn't feel guilty for needing space and time of my own and to keep our marriage on track, but I feel like if I leave, she will make me "pay" for it. Anybody have a reasonable solution/suggestion?

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I am all for a vacation. Are there not neighbors, other relatives, friends that could pop in a couple of times a day while you are gone? MIL sounds like she can reasonably take care of herself with a little supervision. She probably knows you well enough to figure out with enough guilt and fear you may cancel the trip...and that is what MIL is hoping for, my dear.

Plan the trip, don't fuss about in home health; in fact, just stay quiet about MIL care for a few days to get her response. You can talk about the trip and your plans just leave "her being cared for " out of the conversation.

Have a great time!
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Plan the trip and go have fun. Make arrangements for someone to check on MIL daily. We did it with my mother several times, and she survived without any problems. I bought TV dinners to heat up in the microwave. Wrote the timing instructions in big print, and what the dinner was. You need to establish boundaries.
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You could also start out with day trips, then 2 day trips, then longer. Let her get used to your absence gradually. Maybe after a few days absense she'll feel more comfortable having someone in.

But do take precautions beforehand. If she doesn't have a medical alert, get one, plus a lockbox to be installed on the exterior of the house for emergency personnel. Try to find a neighbor to keep an eye on her. Help her get the laundry done before you leave so she doesn't have to go up and down the stairs by herself. In other words, address everything you can and put back-up systems in place.
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Maybe take mom in law and newly retired lady out to lunch a few times before this vacation just so she won't seem like a stranger.
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I agree.. Maybe someone she already knows.. You can pay them also..
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My advice GO! get her whatever help you can someone popping in everyday to make sure shes ok whether she likes it or not she hasnt got dementia so GO now while you still can. I know how you feel as mum is passive aggressive BUT i have to say in all fairness to mum she wants me to go on holiday but my sister will be here to look after her anyway but mum dosnt ever stop me going away she encourages it which is strange as she hates me going to town on my own? Obviously dementia is different and we cant trust them to be alone but as you say shes sharp so she will be fine just get someone nice and jolly to look in on her and dont bring it up again.
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The recently retired neighbour sounds exactly what you're looking for - someone who's near but not in the house, can call in easily and check everything is ok, stop for a cup of coffee, and call for help if, God forbid, any help needs to be called for. Plus you could offer her a modest-but-grateful fee (and bring her a tasteful souvenir). Plus mother might make a new friend! Win win win.
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The elderly are experts at putting guilt on you. Just pretend you're Teflon and don't let it stick! I'm with Kazzaa...GO! Hire the newly retired lady to come in check on her once a day and have her on speed dial in case your mom calls you with some type of problem. Then go and have a good time!
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We hired caregivers via an agency called Brightstar that provides sitters for my 87- year-old mother whenever we need them. The contract we signed with them at the beginning was just to ensure that we did not hire their employees away as our own private sitters. They do not require any certain number of hours or days and will work with you to provide whatever help you need when you need it. My brother often gives them just a day or two warning of when we need someone to stay with mom. (Their business is providing extra staffing at daycare centers, assisted living facilities, even hospitals I think, as well as in home caregivers). It is not inexpensive but is worth the sanity it provided for me and my brother who were near the ends of our ropes caring for a physically able but crafty, paranoid, complaining, often verbally abusive mother. Brightstar is a franchise and I know there are other brands out there also. I just don't know their names. They provide whatever form of help you need; naturally the more she needs them to do, the more it costs. Google caregivers for elderly and see what you come up with. Be prepared to spend. Your health, your mental stability, and the value of your marriage are worth the cost of this very necessary recharge, even if it means cutting costs somewhere else. Best wishes and take care of you!
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I would go. As far as finding someone. I am a private home health care provider (licensed), and I advertise on care.com. Go to that sight, type in your zip code, and then write what you need. It is a nominal fee to place the advertisement, but what you do get is to pay the entire amount to the person, not 1/3 to an agency. Many people have different ways of doing it. I am licensed and bonded, and provide my own back up, so I am probably well set up for it, as many individuals are. Check it out. There are many people that would love to do something like that. Depending on where you live is how much you would pay per hour. I would type in a range $15.00 - $20.00 hour D.O.E. They are well versed in medication management, and organizing meals, and go to the grocery store, etc. It is like having a housecleaner, a
CNA, and a Household Manager in one. I know I have been invaluable to some people wanting to leave for vacations. Just look it up.

Hope that helps.

PS All of their caregivers are Background Checked through all 50 States.
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