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I have been an unpaid family caregiver for 10 years. I have been subject to continuous gaslighting and abuse. I have been threatened with imprisonment, intimidated, manipulated and intentionally kept poor as a means of control.


I cared for my mother with cancer and dementia for 8 years until she passed. I had also been caring for my father at the same time through his insistance. When mom passed 2 years ago I said no more, I won't take care of dad, it's my rich nurse sister's turn. I went from working full time AND caring for 2 people, to working part time and finally now disabled and not working. My dad is very demanding of me and not of anyone else. I have lost everything, absolutely everything yet he says he wants to kill himself anytime I want to break free. I got him a therapist, I call hotlines when it's bad, I intervene to try to find help for him. Last week same song and dance. I said, dad, you aren't the only one who wants to die. He didn't miss a beat, he said don't, don't do it until after I die.


This explains also why he doesn't care about my ability to survive in my old age. He figures I won't have one. My narcissistic sister is VERY abusive. She was to my mother as well, even with dementia she would call and verbally abuse her. My father did nothing to stop this. He has said he doesn't want to piss her off because if everyones money is gone he will need her.


This is not the first time he has shown he doesn't care not even a little for my well being.


We had a hurricane a while back, I told him to go with my sister as she is 45-50 miles further inland from the coast. When the hurricane was hitting I called to check on him. I got through. He was fine, he asked about my house, I said it's pitch black outside and the water is starting to come in the house. He said ok, call you later. He waited over 5 days to call, and had a list of things for me to do for him once we spoke. People drowned and were electrocuted not far from me. Yet he couldn't be bothered. He said he was snacking and watching old movies when tv went out. He never gave me a second thought.


Tomorrow I call Dept if Aging and tell them, I have been an unpaid caregiver for 10 years. I have been abused for 10 years and I won't do this anymore.


Are there any pitfalls I am not thinking of involving the Dept. of Aging?

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I don't know what state you live
in. In NJ, I called The Office on Aging and all I got was sympathy. My situation is simalar,except it's my husband who I am caring for. He has become worse,meaning verbally abusive and emotionally manipulative,.along with our. 31 yr. old son who drinks. I am on disability also. I just posted a ? under Family Caregiver. My state doesn't have any solution, so far. I feel for you. If I get any answers, I will pass the information along. It's sad on this day n age to be stuck in a situation like this
I will keep trying until I get an answer. Don't give up. There HAS to be help for people like us !!
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Tough, the OP has not been back since June 21st.
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I also want to say that your Dad is doing a classic domestic violence brain job on you. That's what abusive people do when they are about to lose control of another person's soul. They throw tantrums, threaten suicide, make false reports to APS, tell everyone lies about you, etc. I agree with the writer who says to call 911 if he threatens suicide. You have to treat every threat as real. Eventually this will sink in, that's it is not worth being locked up every time he does it and being evaluated.

Lastly, you do no service by continuing to be a victim for these two very unkind people. I suspect the sister and dad have always been a bit like this. She chose to be like Dad, you chose to be loving like mom. So you are continuing with each other what was likely an abusive relationship between mom and dad.

If you allow these two to do this to you, know that you do not help them grow. They will only grow if they are forced to, at this point. It is called the law of emotional inertia. A Narcissist at rest will remain at rest unless life rears up and kicks them (hard) in the tail. Even then, they will resist forward movement until they have no other choice. Be that spur towards forward movement by stepping away and letting them find themselves without a victim. You have no family obligation if your family does not act out obligation towards you.

I hope that no recent responses from you does not mean that you have relented. Declare your independence. Take your next disability check, point to a spot on the map, get on a Greyhound and go. Do not leave a forwarding address except to those who are kind to you, and instruct them not to share. The rest of your life belongs to YOU.
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It looks like its been a month since you posted this. Let me tell you a few things as someone who regularly works with caregivers. I hope it is helpful.
1. Any social worker who tries to guilt you or manipulate you into staying in this situation is trying to get you to do their job. Block their phone numbers.
2. Unless you are your father's legal guardian, you are not required to take care of him. If he is as independent as he claims, he is fine. If he is not, he will quickly learn this. If APS is not in there, they soon will be.
3. Abused adult children (and you are a classic case of one) if they do not step away from abusive parents often 'snap' and end up saying or doing something abusive back. Is it worth going to prison for? It sounds like you are already in a prison of your own making. Set yourself free.
4. I agree about cutting off contact with your sister. She knows that she can put all this on you and you will do her bidding. If your father's condition gets bad enough, you can call the police anonymously for a welfare check, or call an anonymous tip into the APS hotline. If he refuses help to the point that he seriously loses his faculties or gets hurt, that's the consequences of his actions, not yours. People reap what they sow. I think its really time to 'divorce' dad, too. It doesn't make you a 'bad' person. It makes you a person practicing good mental hygiene.
5. If APS and VA are involved, take at least a six month mental health break if nothing else. Go to the park, read a few library books, learn to paint. During this time, if you make contact, you do it after informing both sister and dad in writing that you are DONE and that any negativity or shaming (call it that) will result in instant hanging up without explanation, blocking on all media. If sister or Dad show up at your house, you will have to be prepared to call the police. They are used to manipulating you, and will likely not give up unless you show them that they have something to lose.
6. People (some) won't get it. I have had elderly friends try to guilt me or manipulate me in other ways. With one, about the 30th time she tried, I told her that if it continued, I would shut down with her. It continued, I shut down. Her husband died, with whom I was close, she chose not to tell me, someone else had to do that. She now chooses not to speak to me. It bothered me, but this says much more about her than it does about me. She used to say I was like a daughter to her. Her behavior has cost her a daughter at a time when she needs friends. I grieved my loss and have moved on. You do not deserve manipulation or gas lighting.
7. Another elderly friend is very aggressive and tries to 'help' and gets mad if you tell her now. I have to strongly tell her no, and then let her sulk for a while and try to make me feel bad. When she does that, I physically (and socially) distance myself. If the relationship is important, distance makes a person consider what they might be doing to cause the distance. If the person is incapable of this, you are better off without them.
NOT easy, but you have given up 10 years of your life to ungrateful, abusive people. If you are going to have any sort of life now, it has to be because you insist on it. Start taking care of yourself today!! Let us know how things have turned out, and please stand tough. You deserve your freedom. It is well deserved. Write a declaration of independence from both parties, and walk away.
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Walk and never look back. You are an incredible caring and compassionate human being. TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE.
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I haven't read all the comments but have you thought about trying to get him into a VA run hospital? My father and Uncle are both in a VA run facility and they are getting excellent care. Message me if you have any questions or support, I will do everything I can.
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Tell the VA that what ever they provide is it. You can no longer be his caregiver. Say it as many times as it takes for someone to hear you.

Don't let anyone bully you into staying around to be his and sisters scratching post.

As far as the check, what does the memo line say? This can be for past expenses being reimbursed, so doesn't obligate you to future services.

My parents don't know how to spell my name either, it's hateful behavior.
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How are you doing?

Are you taking care of you as you navigate the exit?

Remember, no matter what sister or dad say, their abuse negates any thing they have to say.

You matter, you are important and you deserve to be treated kindly!

Hugs!
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dadisavet Jun 2019
Thank you. Your comment means a lot. The VA is working on getting him home help even though they seem to want to "make it a (little) better" and for me to continue. Dad also gave me a small check, "for expenses" that I haven't cashed. I won't cash it if it means I have to go on. I returned his first check the day before, he had not spelled my name right. I have every intention of making an appointment with my primary and asking for a referral to a therapist. If not the anger and sadness will ruin whatever time I have left. Thanks again, it's good to know kindness still exists somewhere "out there".
🙂
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Dear human being - Get yourself out ot this situation as fast as you can! You CANNOT nor SHOULD NOT continue on as it is. RUN!!!!!!!!!
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What state are you in? Definitely talk to a social worker in your area, and NEVER quit, until you get help. I know that with all you have been through, it would be hard to hear that anyone has endured what you have. I know what you are going through. I nearly got arrested. There was a period of mandatory respite for me where there were strangers going through the house. My husband helped me financially to struggle through many years of mom's dementia. I was stuck in California for the last 6, and before that I spent 3 years where I was flying back and forth. We had been through Katrina too. No sympathy from mom or anyone in CA. We had to pay her bills. I finally got food stamps. The health care system expects a member of the family to be there for all decisions made. They don't care whether we are paid or not. You have to speak up for yourself! You will find that there are a lot of secrets in the way. You have to make sure your father has a Directive to begin with. Then later, you will need a POA. You can get paid for caring for your Dad in some states, or they can give you training to get paid by the state. My mom passed when I was 65. My life is trashed. I will always be dependent on someone.
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Myownlife Jun 2019
I disagree. If she waits to get help, she may never get out of there.
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Your Dad is a Veteran correct? If so call the VA and they may be able to help out quite a bit. If this does not work out then you are under no obligation to care for him.
I would inform him as well as your sister that you are "quitting" your unpaid job.
As I read other posts you have already contacted the VA. I am glad they are helping out.
Best wishes...
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I agree with mmcmahon12000, It will help you tremendously to see a therapist as you walk away from this abuse. Start calling different agencies, The Office of Ageing would be a good place to start. There is help out there. You may have to call around and try several therapists before you find the right one for you and one you can afford. I have had 3 that walked me through different phases of my life. One was an intern, they need practice before they get their license. They are cheaper too. Don't give up.

The next time your father says he will commmit suicide, take him seriously and call 911. Tell them he is threatening suicide. That is the proper thing to do. Call them every time, he will stop that form of control and abuse if he has to go in to a 72 hour lockdown very many times. Then on the other hand, if he means it, you will have done the right thing to get him some help. Helping a true suicidal person is beyond your pay grade.

Don't call your sister. You don't need people in your life who push you down and are unkind. Don't answer the phone if you know it is her, if you inadverently talk to her. As soon as she starts in on you, say. "Oh, sissy, I have to go, love you, bye" and hang up.

Don't give your father any more money.

(((HUGS))) you have a lot of people in your corner.
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Nope. Your good! But please go see a therapist when you walk away from your family. It sounds like you need to. Also please call APS and let them know what's going on with your father and sister. Then let them take it from there. Good luck.
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When you move, get a new phone number. Close your social media accounts, and when you get new ones, use a different name. Get a different email. You don't need any of these people. Also get some help for you. You've been through a LOT! Take the time and space you need to heal. Good luck.
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I think that BarbBrooklyn's answer was excellent. No, with this level of anger and manipulation, it is time to move on. You say that you have your own home. That is excellent and it is now time to concentrate on unraveling the financial and keeping your own money for fixing your own home so that it is habitable, and time to concentrate on what kind of services you yourself can get through your disabled status to do that. Nowhere that I can see do you state that your father is deep in dementia, or I missed it completely. Even if he is, it is time to leave. I would simply notify both him and the Department of Aging, leave Dad with the appropriate numbers to call in an emergency. Whatever your sister decides about moving him nearer her is on her and Dad. The one thing I would NOT do is get into any family discussion, Dad, Sister, You and any others WITHOUT a mediator from Social Services. The relationships are now frayed to the extent that will do no good, people will use the same manipulations they always used to get you to stay, and with this level of anger and frustration staying is simply not a good idea. Whatever your father's decision is, knowing that you are leaving, and it is not up for discussion, will allow him to address his needs. Or not. But it is important you seek your own support for counseling, and staying away will be more difficult than you imagine. This level of fraught family interaction becomes almost addictive, and that can become dangerous. It will be better for you to leave now and take care of your own life, which will be difficult enough. Wishing you the very best of luck and please contact resources now for YOURSELF to help you move on.
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It sounds like you are already up on the VA thing, but just to clarify for others, the VA Aid and Attendance can provide home care for both the vet AND the spouse. There are income guidelines, but I have had a couple of clients who have used this service. And if more is needed and medicaid is in the picture, then they can use both services, depending on their level of physical/mental care needs.
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My heart was sinking and then I read:

"dadisavet
14 hours ago
Thank you very much. I followed through yesterday with APS, took him to VA and threatened to leave him there, now a social worker is finally assigned. I needed to hear your post.
F"

💐🍾🍾🍾💐

WELL DONE!!! Please keep in touch and let us know how you're doing.
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anonymous912123 Jun 2019
Good News! Keep your resolve.
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You have allowed yourself to be controlled by others who have a different agenda than you do. You alone can stop it.
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dadisavet Jun 2019
You aren't wrong. I was always the woman commenting on why an abused wife doesn't just leave.
Life is kinda ironic some times. They loved making my life hell while I cared for my mom for 8 years. This I did willingly, I wanted/needed help but I would NEVER walk away, my mom was my everything. So I took it.
But these last 2 years I guess I was lost, grieving and depressed from mom dying that I didn't walk away. So I took it.
I am still grieving but I am no longer lost.
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Stop thinking about your difficult sister and father. Start thinking about yourself – in particular how to get the finances and/or contacts to move away. If you own your house, how do you fix it up to be saleable for the best price? Where can you move that is affordable and enjoyable? You are bogged down in an impossible situation that seems just too much. Cut off everything except the bits that stop you from getting out of it. And then get out of it!
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That you don't live with him is a good thing, it shows he doesn't need 24/7 care.

Get the assessment and tell them and repeat frequently that you can no longer provide any care, in any way shape or form. Give them your sister's contact information and forget you have a dad or a sister.

No matter what, nobody has the right to abuse you. You have every right to be done with them two. Go have a life of your own.
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dadisavet Jun 2019
Thank you very much. I followed through yesterday with APS, took him to VA and threatened to leave him there, now a social worker is finally assigned. I needed to hear your post.
F
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So sorry your good nature has been taken advantage of. Your story is heartbreaking. Hugs, Hugs and more Hugs. I wish I could have the magic answer.
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APS and the local Area Agency on Aging are separate entities.
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Where I live, United Way provides financial assistance to an agency that babysits people like your father so that the caregiver can either work, or just get away from the person they are caring for.  They open at 6:30 a.m. and close at 6:00 p.m.  I don't know where you are other than a coastal region, but I am wondering if there could be a similar agency in your area that could help you.  Also, you might consider hiring a caregiver to give you relief (respite care).  Have you contacted DHS to see what they have?  Have you contacted DHS about the abuse?  Do you have access to a social worker?  Is there a chance of VA benefits for your father?  How about contacting your father's PCP and seeing what that office can suggest?
I have my mom in a facility because I could not work and leave her alone.  I finally had to go to part-time, to early retirement because of the stress.  I am now in a support group that meets twice monthly, I am attending a class that is giving me a 3" binder of materials on mental illness and how to give care effectively, and I just attended a day-long conference last week about care giving and how to deal with the ugliness of it.  All of these things came about through my church, or other related churches.  We also have Areawide Aging Agency in my state that has a boatload of materials, Ombudsman, assistance for caregivers and Seniors.  Please consider all of these things I have mentioned and check them out in your area.  Wishing you the best!
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dadisavet Jun 2019
Thank you! Yes, we have been trying to get VA benefits for 5 years. It doesn't help that dad says he is completely independent still through stubborn pride when he needs help with EVERYTHING. The VA seems like they find one reason, not even true to deny and they will. I will keep trying. After 10 years I think I need more than a respite. If I am I'll they throw me some antibiotics and tell me to keep going. I have had NO more than 4 hours rest in a decade. I will try DHS. Though the last time I did they gave me $15 a month for food snap benefits and said it is hard to qualify for more without children in Texas.
I will go one by one on your advice and pray someone helps. But more than anything I want out. I gave up everything for so long because I ADORED my sainted mother. A wonderful human being. But my father and my sister are not wonderful in any way. They thrive on cruelty and abuse and deserve no more of my sacrifice.
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If the hurricane was declared a natural disaster, did you contact FEMA for help with your own house?
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dadisavet Jun 2019
I sure did. They were willing to give me a loan for 35k but it came with a short pay back period so the monthly payment was over $450 a month plus the $1500 yearly insurance they require while paying it back.
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I think its a good thing to call APS. Like Barb says approach it that with ur health, you cannot and will not be able to care for Dad. That you would like an assessment done to determine how much help he will need and what services are available. You may find Dad is more capable than u and he think. Stick by ur guns. Tell the caseworker that there r others

When all is said and done, you may ant to find out what services are out there for you. See if there is a grant where you can get ur house fixed up.

What is ur disability? Maybe if you get away from the stress u will feel better and can pick up a small job. Are u on SS? Maybe moving away would help. Here where I live are nice Senior apts. Rent is 30% of total income. Electric and TV would be ur responsibility. You could sell the house "as is".
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dadisavet Jun 2019
Yes, I think I need to move away. My narcissistic sister has terrorized many and I am sure she will continue. I have asked dad to respect my no contact with her and not to give her any information about me for YEARS but he respects no boundaries. I will probably sell the house as is and be done with it. I had called APS before, years ago, at that time the only thing they did was make sure I was not abusing my father and that he was safe. When they determined I was not and he was relatively ok they closed the case. I will have them do a needs assessment and stick to my guns this time. I have been very ill for months lately so telling them I can't would be no exageration. Thanks for the advice.
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Kudos to you for finding the strength and courage to move on with your life.  If possible, I would also consult with an elder attorney to make sure you've covered all bases.  It's past time for you to remove yourself from this situation!   You have sacrificed so much and instead of love and gratitude, you are taken for granted and mistreated.  Don't look back!  Take care of yourself and please check in with us to let us know how you're doing.  Bless you.
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Are you living in dad's house, or he with you?

It's more complicated, I believe, if you are living in the dame domicile and leave.

I think perhaps what you want to do is call the local Area Agency on Aging and ask for a needs assessment. You want to tell them that you will be ( moving/ are ill) and are no longer able to provide assistance for dad. You are seeking their input on what level of care he needs, you want them to examine his ability to access/qualify/ pay for care so he is not left without what he needs.

I understand the fact that you are fed up with what sounds like entitled, narcissistic, demanding behavior. I agree with your decision to walk away. You just want to do it in such a way that doesn't cause the AAA to push back.

If they tell you that you have a legal obligation to provide hands on care, ask them to show you where that is written in statute.
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dadisavet Jun 2019
Yes, thank you. No we do not live in the same house. My house is actually pretty uninhabitable. Bad plumbing, sometimes I have to wash dishes with a garden hose in the front yard. Windows broken, exterior doors don't lock, electrical is from 1940's and causing fires but my sister said I should be grateful. Tells everyone who wants to help me not to help as I steal the money she gives dad. She rarely gives money to dad. Normally about 500-1,000 a year. Even though her 401k alone is mid 6 figures. I have never ever stolen from them. It took 5 years before dad started to speak up and say that wasn't true, that I never stole anything. Meantime I wasn't welcome for Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays etc. I was to do my "familial obligation" and not be seen so no one would know the extent of the abuse. I was told to move in to this, my parents, former rental house which needed so much repair they wouldn't be able to rent it out. I needed a place to stay after I moved back to this state to care for them. Together as a family I thought. Boy, what a dope. My parents figured that without paying rent meant I spend the rent money on my elderly parents and do some repairs myself. Before she died my mom made sure this house was put in my name. Even with dementia she never lost gratitude for all the years of caring for her. She would take my hand and lovingly say, "Thank you! I wish you were my daughter, I love you!" I would say that's ok mom, I am your daughter! She would laugh and say "good, good."

Dad is a covert narcissist and sister a malignant overt narcissist whose own daughter has not communicated with her since she was 17.

Dad makes sure all my money goes to his needs so I have nothing left for repairs. The flooding from hurricane rotted all the wood floors. They crumble beneath your feet. But as long as he is ok, that all my "dad" cares about.
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Hi. In regard to the pitfalls of calling Dept. of Aging, I am sure others will be able to provide insight. I just wanted to reply to say I believe you stepping away from the situation is quite alright, and likely a healthy step forward for you emotionally and physically. You did not ask for anyone's opinion on that, but sometimes it is good to hear anyway. Even if there are pitfalls of making that call, it might still be better off. Ten years with abuse as you describe is more than enough. You deserve to put your own wellbeing first in your life. Personal sacrifices for others who do not respect our thoughts, feelings, and life priorities takes a toll we sometimes willingly pay hoping for the love and approval of those who will never give it and likely keep laying the hammer down upon us. Let the caregiving role go. Time for you to take of yourself now.
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Lostinva Jun 2019
Amen! Thankyou!!!
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