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92 yo bedbound mother, chronic UTI, CHF, on daily nitro patch, recently began having erratic HR (26/39/56/87/110) in a rapid and sporadic manner, once or twice a day... this morning had pain in chest; gave two sublingual nitros and it resolved (not first time, but been months since last episode). Yesterday noticed bruises on the bottom of one of her feet. Looked like true bruising - not speckled mottling? Noticed another bruise on outside of her calf tonight... Bruises are confusing to me as they are not speckled and mottled...Just trying to prepare. She has given me soooo many false alarms, I feel a bit numb. (false alarms due to my lack of experience - not any kind of manipulation on her part!)
She is still alert, talking, eating, drinking, pooping and peeing...
Also she doesn't seem to know she is drawing close?? I am a bit lost about how to or whether to talk to her about this? In the past when I thought she was about to go, we had talked about it and she had joked about "finding the button and pushing it" or "having Scotty beam her up" and more recently, that she didn't know "how to go"....
But hasn't been any conversations like this of late.... She is such a private person.... I am reluctant to bring it up...and don't know how to proceed. She has always said she wants to be alone when she goes...
Advise?

Is she still taking food and fluids? Is she sleeping more than being awake?
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I would have her reassessed for hospice. Not everyone's bodies align with what is shown in medical textbooks so her bruising, although not "mottled" in appearance seems logically caused by the CHF. Are her feet and lower legs cool or cold?

People may say they want to be alone, but I don't know if that's really true. My 105-yr old Aunt was having CHF symptoms and then she suddenly had a massive stroke that paralyzed her right side. Although she could no longer talk, I could tell she was still "in there" so I made sure to hold her hand through that first night even after she was given the "twilight" meds (morphine and Ativan). After she was moved to in-home hospice she passed 4 days later but was never alone. I would never want to second guess leaving her alone in such a profound moment. You don't have to talk to her, just your presence and physical touch. Maybe talk to clergy if you need guidance or reassurance or spiritual support.

May you receive peace in your heart on this journey.
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Laineyisat 17 hours ago
Thank you for your reply, Geaton777,

Actually her feet - though swollen are warm.

She has been showing her sense of humor more lately... which is surprising and delightful. She is sleeping more and eating less - unless it is sweets.

She keeps asking why her heart rate is being so erratic because after all she is just lying there! I told her I think her heart is getting tired. And she asked why it doesn't take a nap and get rested up. I told her there is no rest for the heart - only between beats. That it is a big strong muscle that needs lots of oxygen - then she agrees to wear the oxygen....

She has just enough dementia (which she covers very well!) that I'm always a bit off guard to what she really understands... But I don't want to belabor it.

I'm reluctant to call Hospice back... She is such a private person. She didn't like them coming and poking and prodding and being in her space. The nurse seemed to think it was her job to make Mom laugh. And if Mom did laugh it was out of embarrassment. It seems easier without them - at least mostly.

Ah... I'm rambling.
Thank you again for caring enough to reply. I understand and appreciate you not leaving your Auntie alone.

: ))
Lainey
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I don’t see any point in discussing death with mom, she’s proven she’s reluctant to talk about it, clearly she knows it’s coming as it does for us all, just leave her in peace. As for “preparing” there’s really no such thing. Death comes when it wants and always takes us by a bit of surprise even when we know it’s coming. Our hospice nurse told us with my dad to look for 3 signs: stopping eating, stopping communication, and sleeping a deeper than normal sleep. All proved true and were present in his last 2-3 days. Nothing is set in stone, but it’s a good guide. Please don’t concern yourself with being there for the moment, it really doesn’t matter as mom will not be aware. Death is truly a solo experience. I wish you and mom both peace
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Laineyisat May 6, 2026
Dear Daughterof 1930,
Thank you for sharing your words of wisdom. Good to know the 3 signs....
I appreciate you taking the time to reply.
Lainey
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Thank you, Cwillie. She "graduated" out of hospice the end of February - "no longer in decline". She does have a tiny bit of dementia - which I guess is why I am questioning that issue. When I explain to her that her heart rate is being very erratic, she says "well I am just lying here - why is it doing that?" To which I reply, "I think it is just tired." I have considered calling hospice and asking for a re-evaluation, but she really didn't like them coming. She is a very private person. It didn't help that the Hospice Nurse felt like it was her job to make Mom laugh... it just wasn't a good mix. (!)
I appreciate the counsel to give her some alone time.... It is a delicate balance. I want to be there to give her the nitros - which stop the pain...
Thank you again for speaking up. Sorry you have regrets with your mother. This dying business is certainly not easy. God bless you!
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If you have already had this conversation I don't think you need to bring it up again, you are both as prepared as is possible and there's no benefit in shattering her well being if she chooses the comfort of denial. So many recommend that you need to "give them permission to go" and forcing that issue with my mother is one of my many regrets.
As for the rest, are you not getting any guidance from hospice? If you are unsure you shouldn't hesitate to call them, that's what they are supposed to be there for. I do believe that we have some ability to choose out exit time so don't sit in constant vigil, allow her some time alone too.
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Yesterdayanurse 14 hours ago
And maybe call a different hospice company. The last one obviously wasn’t in her best interest.
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