I've been on threads where the person who has been there caring and struggling needs the less-involved family members all over their case and demanding explanations like they need a hole in the head, and some who have planned not to give any more information to those who didn't care to help or be there while the person was alive and would have liked to see them, or worse still had been abusers. Usually you would want them to know and they will eventually find out though.
Re the first part - I was in that position recently. I am not an inconsiderate person, I do not hate anyone, nor am I in denial.
I am the person, as vstephans says, "who has been there caring and struggling and needs the less-involved family members all over their case and demanding explanations like they need a hole in the head."
This whole trip is hard enough without my also mentally ill sister landing on me as she did a couple of months before this happened. As well, as it turned out, it was mother's wish that people not know where she was and what was happening to her.
A few months, later my sis did find out and the hospital social worker agreed to act as a go-between and cleared with mother what she could say to my sister. It is a delicate matter and without knowing more details about family dynamics, it is hard to comment on your situation.
In general, privacy for the patient supersedes the family's need to know in my books, especially when the family member is a troublemaker. I have talked with mother and she does want to see a few people now, (not my sister) so I am carefully filling them in a little as to what to expect, as she has declined and has more delusions. It is a thin line, but I feel I need to do what is best in terms of optimizing her relationships/visits with the people she wants to see and who want to see her. For example, my daughter, mother's grandchild, has two youngish children (9 and 11). The whole family has visited with mother in the past and gone to a restaurant for a meal. I doubt that that is workable now, though my daughter could probably visit her grandmother at the hospital on her own for a while if she wanted to.
As far as the notification in the event of death, my intention is to notify my sister and other family of that, and also of any arrangements that will be made re funerals, burial etc. No one except my sis and her children, and one friend have asked how or where she is, but I feel extended family and friends should be notified upon her death. She has called a few people from her church and the church will be notified, but no one from there is visiting her at present. She has stated that she does not want a service in that church. Her wishes will be honored. Hope this helps. (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
Ilovemom, No matter what has happened in the past with mom and whoever/whatever is the problem, tell them. Once mom has died, whatever is wrong is over anyhow. (hopefully). ♥
In a perfect world, we would think we would all want to be informed when loved ones have medical and/or other health related issues and we would all inform....BUT...our world is far from perfect....for me, this is an emotional issue as well. I never cease to be amazed at how folks pretty much demand to be kept informed if and when something , anything, happens to Mama, BUT they NEVER come to see her or offer to help me in any way...nonetheless, I totally anticipate that when that final sad day arrives, they will ALL be there with bells on...making the grand appearance...and it won't matter one iota to Mama then...or to me....I am trying so hard these days to not allow my angst towards almost everyone associated with us these days not to interfere with doing what is right...but sometimes I wonder just what that is when so many have certainly chosen to openly ignore what would seem to be right where my precious Mama is concerned.... I do know Mama though and I know she would never want me to do anything that made anyone feel awkward so I will try to honor those wishes always...it would be awfully nice if the people to whom she was so loving and nurturing all her active life felt the same now that she is unable to get out and about.
1) I think that would depend on the situation. Some factors that would be relevant would include the nature of the relationship between Mom and family members, Mom's preferences and feelings about privacy, how actively the family members are involved in Mom's life, and past history of consequences of sharing this kind of information. For example, a cousin that Mom likes a lot and who calls 3 times a week to chat with her will need to be told something, although not necessarily the exact details. A family member who calls once a year and hasn't expressed any interest in knowing about Mom may not merit a notification at all. It really is a case-by-case call.
2) I think all family should be notified about a death.
I've been on threads where the person who has been there caring and struggling needs the less-involved family members all over their case and demanding explanations like they need a hole in the head, and some who have planned not to give any more information to those who didn't care to help or be there while the person was alive and would have liked to see them, or worse still had been abusers. Usually you would want them to know and they will eventually find out though.
I am the person, as vstephans says, "who has been there caring and struggling and needs the less-involved family members all over their case and demanding explanations like they need a hole in the head."
This whole trip is hard enough without my also mentally ill sister landing on me as she did a couple of months before this happened. As well, as it turned out, it was mother's wish that people not know where she was and what was happening to her.
A few months, later my sis did find out and the hospital social worker agreed to act as a go-between and cleared with mother what she could say to my sister. It is a delicate matter and without knowing more details about family dynamics, it is hard to comment on your situation.
In general, privacy for the patient supersedes the family's need to know in my books, especially when the family member is a troublemaker. I have talked with mother and she does want to see a few people now, (not my sister) so I am carefully filling them in a little as to what to expect, as she has declined and has more delusions. It is a thin line, but I feel I need to do what is best in terms of optimizing her relationships/visits with the people she wants to see and who want to see her. For example, my daughter, mother's grandchild, has two youngish children (9 and 11). The whole family has visited with mother in the past and gone to a restaurant for a meal. I doubt that that is workable now, though my daughter could probably visit her grandmother at the hospital on her own for a while if she wanted to.
As far as the notification in the event of death, my intention is to notify my sister and other family of that, and also of any arrangements that will be made re funerals, burial etc. No one except my sis and her children, and one friend have asked how or where she is, but I feel extended family and friends should be notified upon her death. She has called a few people from her church and the church will be notified, but no one from there is visiting her at present. She has stated that she does not want a service in that church. Her wishes will be honored.
Hope this helps. (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
2) I think all family should be notified about a death.