Not sure when to tell the family to come?

From my observation as long as he's eating he's fine, physically at least. If I were you I'd just keep them updated with any setbacks and describe his general physical and cognitive condition and leave it to them to decide whether they need to act on it.

I'd suggest researching the 7 stages of Dementia, so you can identify approximately where your Dad falls on the spectrum, and I'd also suggest looking into the signs of impending death so you can tell when his passing is imminent:

Global Deterioration Scale for Assessment of Primary Degenerative Dementia
https://www.fhca.org/members/qi/clinadmin/global.pdf

Technically, the death process starts when the patient can no longer swallow. They either have to be artificially nourished or allowed to pass as painlessly as possible.

When my mother became truly impaired, I spoke with my children and left it up to them. My young grandchildren did not visit more than once a year and saw her for the last time about 6 months before she passed.

My children (at that time in their early and mid-30’s) wanted to visit Nana; my daughter more than my son. My mother could get really nasty. She also spent 90% of her conversations with me accusing the entire population of the facility of sex orgies. I did not want my kids or especially my grands exposed to that.

Invite them to visit according to their their own schedules and desire to see him. Don’t press them or make them feel guilty for not visiting. My mother was especially nasty to my son on one visit and I told him he was free and clear of visiting her again. Don’t make the visits hours and hours and don’t have everyone pile in at the same time. My mom was stressed out when we all came to see her at Christmas once. She nearly attacked my husband when she thought he was a strange man.

The best you can can do with this disease is play it by ear. There are no hard and fast rules.

Let people know now what is happening. It will give those who live further away the opportunity to plan a trip. With the holiday season approaching, people may have plans to go away and need time to make alternate plans, if they can change plans that include flights and hotels at this late date (many places have a 60 day cancellation policy during Christmas).

Some will want to see him sooner, other may wait until the funeral, but it is important to give people a choice. My Aunt did not come when Granny was dying, she chose to wait and come for the funeral. She knew she could not afford two trips and felt it more important to attend the funeral.

I'm not sure if you are asking family to come to say goodbye while he knows them or before he passes away. I'm no expert, but, I would have all who want to be recognized to come now. Dementia patients can progress rapidly. I recall how startled I was the first time that my LO didn't recognize my mother.....then me....it was tough. So, I'd go while he knows them and can interact. You can visit later, but, he may not know who you are and not be able to really communicate.

Now my LO has lost all verbal skills. I'm so grateful for the visits we had where we talked about the good old days. Even though, her short term memory was gone, she still recalled her teen and childhood years. Then, that's gone. So, I wouldn't delay.

It's a really tricky one, this. The hard balance to find is between making it clear that if they want to see him they'd better get a move on, but without making it sound as though you're ordering them to come.

You shouldn't tell them to come anyway, you know. As long as you've made your father's condition understood, and as long as family members know that they are welcome if they choose to come, you mustn't go further. If they can't or don't want to for their own reasons, they'll resent it.

I think what I'd do is send an email to all containing an update, but save any discussion of visiting to individual phone calls that you might receive after the update. Much easier to play those by ear.

Has your father actually asked to see anyone? That makes a big difference, of course.

Everyone has their time ,mom is 87 almost 88 she can eat normal food not the baby type food but can't feed herself or do anything  for herself she is in a Gerry chair or in bed and doesn't know me, she talks  some but makes no sense this has been going on for a year now.

Perhaps you might want to share with them the gist of your comments here.  You could add that no one knows when he will no longer know anyone and that visits at any time are welcomed.

Grace + Peace,

Bob

From what you describe he is not at EOL (End of Life) but he is declining rapidly.
There will be indications when he is "Actively Dying"
The important thing is and this what you may have intended with your question..When to get family there to see him while he is still aware of himself, his family and surroundings.
With the holidays soon here you might want to arrange something around the holidays. But how well does your Dad do with large groups? I know everyone will want to see everyone else but this might be overwhelming. I would keep visits so a few people. And keep the noise down as that can be frightening. You can all gather for a lunch or dinner later. Or leave it to individuals or individual families to make the visit on their own time, but you might want to stress the decline and let them know if they wait to long he may not recognize them.
(By the way the "making up stories" he is not making up a story, he can not find the word that describes where he is, a type of Aphasia maybe)

And since this is me responding....
Please talk to his Doctor about...
Hospice. It is never to early to begin that discussion.
Decide now if you will use a feeding tube...I strongly discourage that.

Also..
Discuss with the AL facility he is in now will they allow the use of equipment to move him (Hoyer lift, Sit-to-Stand) some will not allow it.

And I have to ask..How is your Mom doing with all this? I do hope she has a lot of support as well.

I set up a group email and on FB messenger. This is how I let relatives know dad’s health status.

Tell them to come. Better they get to see him an extra time. Sometimes the person rallies when family comes so it's a double win-win.

The way I did this was to explain to family members that it was their choice whether to come or not and if they wanted to come, there's a few things to consider in their timing. One was that the timing was very unsure but since Mom was growing weaker, the best chance of having a meaningful interaction with her was to come sooner rather than later. It might not be "saying goodbye" but it might be a chance to say (and hear) other thoughts.

The way it broke down is this: Her brother (my uncle) chose to come sooner, for Mom's birthday which was the 4th of July. Mom was well enough to go out for her birthday, which was the last time she did that with anyone. She went into a serious crisis the day after he left and died two weeks later.

Two sisters came early (on both sides of my uncle) and came back again a few weeks later to be with Mom at the end. My brother was planning to come at the end of July but moved his trip up to see Mom while she could still talk to him. One sister didn't come at all and claimed later than she had no idea Mom was so close to the end and nobody let her know. (Totally untrue, but she was unhappy with her choice not to come and needed someone else to blame). I think everyone else was satisfied with the choices they made and it turned out best for Mom as well.

I had a friend diagnosed with advanced dementia in late June . She went into an assisted living, her condition worsened at warp speed. I visited twice a week, sometimes more. At times she really felt she had no one, had no immediate family left. There were neighbors she lived near all her life, no one visited her. A month ago, hospice was brought in, people would ask " how is she?", " we plan to visit", blah, blah, blah. Again, nobody. She fell Nov.5, hospice said she was ok except for the cut and bruising. I was there on the 6 th, clearly she was worse. Nov. 7 , hospice nurse called me, she had passed. So my advice is you never know if they have a tomorrow, visit when you can, my friend lit up every time I was there even if only for a second.

Here's a suggestion for those who live far away, have jobs & family obligations to juggle, for whom travel would be a financial burden, or when the timing might be in question. My cousin lives on the other coast. When she traveled to my state on a business trip several years ago, I went to see her. She recorded a nice long video message on my phone for my dad, just in case. She talked about the ways he had inspired her career choice, other decisions in her life, and fond memories, among other things. It is a warm, loving, upbeat message. I play it for him from time to time and it's a new blessing for him each time. Messages can be sent in several formats so you should be able to assemble a small video "library" from family members. For those who can't make it in time it will be a comfort to them to know that their loved one was able to see and hear them express their love and gratitude for their presence in their lives.

My kids got to see their great-grandfather in a lovely setting before the rapid decline. It was nice they could still talk with him even though he had no idea who they were but he said to each one "I know you belong to me don't you?" That has stayed with both of them to this day. I got to deal with him in hospice for 24 hours before he died 30 minutes after I left the hospice facility. My last time with him was full of fever and convulsions...... I would have much preferred my kids experience but I wouldn't change holding his hand on his last day.

There are some good suggestions on this thread. I'd also keep in mind that some people find visiting MC facilities very troubling. My parents had to stop going. It just upset them so much. But, our LO, doesn't realize that, anymore.

I do think that often family members don't fully understand what dementia does to a person. They may be thinking that their loved one will just be forgetful, not recall some things from the past or have no short term memory, as their condition progresses. What they don't realize is that the dementia patient often loses touch with their surroundings, is not oriented to place and time, may stare into space without the ability to even know they are being spoken to, etc. They may also make repetitive movements, noises, sounds, and even be agitated for no known reason.

I believe that you should ask them if they would like to come right now to have perhaps their last chance to see their LO, especially if there is, or has been, a close relationship with them.

I found out in late November of 2012 that my youngest brother had terminal, metastatic cancer. I immediately asked for the time from work to go and see him, as it would not mean anything to either of us if he passed and I hadn't seen him before that.

I was there to celebrate what turned out to be his last birthday in early December. He then passed away in early January. I was so grateful to have seen and hugged and given my love to him, before his passing.

Do you have hospice. They will generally know. When they want to give morphine time to call. I've had several family members die with in days of the morphine. One on the first dose.

I believe it’s better to let them all know now while he still recognizes everyone.
We did that with my mother-in-law who is now in her final stages of life ( like a couple of days or maybe hours, only God knows when she’ll be taken home.)

Long story... but you know your Dad, and you know his condition. You're right there is no magic crystal ball to give you a time, but you have your intuition and you have your Dad's PCP help you. You cannot make or force anyone to come, that will be their choice. Don't allow them to make you feel guilty, because some will for the choices they themselves made. Big HUGS to you and your family. It's a daily process, Serenity Prayer helps.

I would send them a copy of the message which started all of this discussion. It provides a clear picture of your knowledge and your concern.

Anytime. Better late than never. No regrets about why didnt i.

I would tell them he won't know you but if you would like to come nows the time. Some people like to remember them as in healthy fun times. It could be upsetting to some relatives memories. Their choice.