Hi, all. Thank goodness for this forum, it has helped me through a lot. This is the first time I'm asking a question. Two years ago, my Mom, now 88, had a devastating stroke. I've been by her side, from the moment she had the stroke, through attempts at therapy, and finally here to hospice. I have considered it my joy to honor my mother, to be with her to keep our spirits up through thick and thin. and escort her out of this world. I've been told, no less than 3 times since the stroke that she only has a week to live, and now without notice from a medical personal, I sense that she is letting me know that it's time. She has stopped eating, long stares, and circulation is bad. I will be with Mother every moment until she passes to make sure she knows I'm with her. Having said all that, and having been the main caregiver, I dread going to the funeral. There will be relatives there that made my journey as a caregiver living hell at times. I also believe that once the soul leaves the body that the person is truly gone (or all around us.) Is it disrespectful to not attend the funeral? I will, no doubt, be inconsolable when Mom dies, but the thought of being around the very relatives that offered more bullying than advice or help during the difficult times is something I don't think I can put myself through. Thoughts? Thanks.
You don't have to have an obituary in a paper or online. Don't give them any notice - they don't have a right to continue their poor treatment of you now, and unless they're heirs, probably don't even need to know.
You've done well by your mother; you don't need to extend that courtesy to uncooperative and/or critical relatives.
There is one person who's been a thorn in the side of one side of the family. I cut off relations with her years ago, sent a cease and desist e-mail notice to her and have no intention whatsoever of informing her when my father dies. And I feel good about it b/c she would only disrupt what should be a respectful event.
We had a big funeral for my Dad, and then a small celebration of life for people we were close to at the house afterwards. Maybe you could do that, and just be there for the smaller gathering. Or you could walk into the funeral JUST before it starts and leave immediately afterwards, so you don't have to talk to those problematic people. The pastor, or funeral director, should be able to guide you on how to do that.
In fact you might want to meet soon, before your mother dies, with whoever you think would have the funeral and do some pre-planning. I bet they've run into this type of problem before and might have ideas. If you do the pre-planning there will be many fewer decisions after your Mom dies, and you might find having a plan will decrease your over-all stress.
Or just don't have a funeral. They are not required. Or don't go at all, as dogperson said.
I am sorry to hear about your Mom. She is lucky to have had such a caring child up to the end.
I agree with the others.... funerals are to comfort the living. It sounds like you should do whatever is going to comfort YOU the most during that difficult time. I for one could not stomach a funeral for my parents as my entire family has turned their back on them while living... so I would not want to see them carrying on and crying when they are gone.
Who is putting the funeral on?
Funerals can be just awful---and you do not have to have one.
If you have one, and go, you'll be chewed out by "family" right?
If you have one and DON'T go, you'll be chewed out by family, right?
If you don't have one, you'll get chewed out by family, right?
Kind of a no-win. You'll have to search your soul for the answer that is right. Of course you want your mother's life "marked".
Funerals are for the living. The dead don't care. It's a tradition that we have made into an obligation. I agree with Katie--do what makes YOU feel best.
I am not having a funeral for me. My kids are asked to put in a granite bench with my favorite poem inscribed in it near the crematory niches. It's in a beautiful hillside cemetery in a small town where my hubby's ancestors all are.
I believe in an afterlife--and that the ones we love are still among us.
{{Hugs}}
Liz
Disrespectful, to whom?
To your mother, no, not at all. The time you spend with her while she is alive is infinitely more meaningful. Honouring her memory you will do for the rest of your life. Funerals are for the living, not the dead.
To the general public, mmmm, yes and no. There are social conventions. Among them is that a person's children would normally attend her funeral, and if they're not there it says something about the family. *What* it says, exactly, is a different question. But, yes, you will be raising questions in the public mind. Do you care? Are there people outside the family you wouldn't wish to puzzle or unsettle?
To the rest of your family, yes. So? What about them do you feel respect for?
I'm writing as someone who no longer has any contact with my three siblings. I did go to my mother's funeral, though. I spoke to friends and other, more distant family members, I refrained from telling anyone what I thought of them, and I left - I had a legitimate excuse - immediately after the service.
But take it from me. If you don't want to go to your mother's funeral, don't go. It is FINE not to go, and nobody else's dam' business.
Also, you can have your own memorial service later on with people who supported you and her during her life.
I'm planning a combination wake/tribute to my LO in my home to last from noon-4:00 on first Saturday after her death with food, beverages, candles, photos, flowers, so we can celebrate her life and talk of all our memories. With no other family members or friends who contributed any time or interest in her at all since she got dementia, it seems fitting to me, as I expect just my parents, siblings and MC staff to attend.
Your Mom is 88. How many friends and family are left. You can do whatever you want that you r comfortable with.
Do what is good for you. As others have said - You have been there for her all along and that is what is important. (((((((hugs))))))
If we were sitting having coffee....my advice to you would be....have a private viewing with your Mom before the funeral, sign the book, tell the funeral director to tell your holier than thou siblings you were there......Take yourself out to a nice lunch, go sit under a tree....go home and take a nap.
You are serving your Mother well now. Well done.
What would your mother want you to do?
Think it over and make the decision one you can live with.
Again, sorry your mother is so ill. Glad you are together!
My 93 year old aunt asked me what I was going to do when my mother (95) passes. I responded she would be cremated, nothing else. She asked about a memorial but I didn't understand why. There are only 4 siblings left (all elderly) and me. One is in Texas, the other 3 in Northern California. None of them are able to travel. Mom's in Tijuana, Mexico where I live.
Why would I bring her ashes up to Northern Cal just to say a few words? I'll be busy doing other things.
I don't feel bad that she won't have a service. She's suffered with dementia for 7 years and has outlived most everyone she knew.
I told her to pull out some old pictures of them both and remember the good times.
Please do what's best for YOU. My beliefs are your mom will be in Heaven and I'm sure she doesn't care if there is a funeral or not. She knows you love her.
I don't know what I'm going to do about it. Have had relatives pass away and just tried to stay the heck away from siblings, at the service, and leave as soon as possible. It's already weighing on me with anticipatory grief and depression and this just makes it worse. Do whatever makes you feel the best - if you have been her caregiver, that's the greatest love anyone could have shown. You deserve peace and quiet and to look after yourself for a change.
If this is not an option, feel free to do what feels right for you when the day comes.
When I ask myself this question, the right answer is immediately clear. Could you regret you had skipped the funeral, or could you regret you had attended the funeral? There's no guilt to whichever you answer as long as it's right for you.
My dad was Jewish and as such had to be 'in the ground' within 24 hours. There would be no time for anything other than getting him to the cemetery. It was the easiest funeral ever! Some family came - most did not. I didn't care. I honored his wishes and my DH has given me permission to do the same for him when his time comes. It is an option for you if you're the one in charge of the funeral. More and more people are bypassing the Funeral Parlors.
I was in the same boat a year and a half ago when my mom passed. It was a Catholic funeral. My sibs never even told me about the funeral as we were estranged through some ugly happenings. I found out from her friends. I decided to make my presence and go only to the mass. Fortunately, I asked 5 friends to attend with me, and they all accepted. I was surrounded by their love and support. I would never have gone alone. I needed them and the anxiety meds my doctor gave me. I would like to have gone to the reception if things were different, but they weren't. The sibs turned both aunts families against me but her friends and neighbors knew that I was the caregiver. The sib showed up when her health declined, but did very little otherwise. I was with my mom until the end and I think she knew it. That I can feel good about.
I decided to go to the funeral, so I would have no regrets later. As a friend said, it is part of the closure. I know many who have not gone due to the same reasons of dysfunction and had no regrets. If you can find support somewhere then maybe you can decide. I wish you the best. You have done your work and your mother knows it. Bless you.
You are already grieving for your Mom (most caretakers do before their loved one dies). So, little by little, you are already saying your goodbye to her as you take care of her. Therefore, the funeral will be for the living to say goodbye and to honor her, which you are doing now. You can also go to the funeral home at a private time, one just for you, to have one final time with her if you so desire.
Remember, funerals are something we humans invented but are NOT necessary. Please don't let family or anyone else make you feel guilty if you decide not to attend the funeral service. You have been there for your Mom when it counted the most for her
Micky C