My name is Kay. This is my first post here. I'm a live in caregiver for my elderly father, he's 87, I'm 46. He's frail, has arthritis and balance issue, so he walks with a cane, occasionally a walker on bad days, and no longer drives, but is otherwise in good health for his age, he just gets a little frustrated and impatient sometimes. He is able to dress and bathe and shave himself without help, prepares his own breakfast and lunch, I do housework, errands, shopping, take him to any appointments, and cook dinner, and I'm here for anything he needs. He is not on any prescription medications so there's no medical regime. We have a very nosy neighbor who is a retired home health aide. She has convinced herself my father needs home health care and she will not leave us alone about it. She has insulted me repeatedly about a different matter, and is just a nosy, bossy person who thinks she knows everything about everything and if we don't keep the door locked will just barge in uninvited. My father wants me to forbid her to come over anymore, to tell her we don't want to be friends with her any longer, she is upsetting both of us, and I want this too. I do not want or need someone like this in my life. I work at home, at night after my father is asleep, and I have a work project that is very important to me, and has a deadline attached, and I am trying to keep things as simple and peaceful as possible. But I'm afraid if I forbid her to visit she might falsely report me to some authority just to turn my life upside down and make it more stressful and since she is a retired home health aide her word might carry more weight than mine or my father's. I just don't know what to do! I am very stressed and worried.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
I can think of a couple of tactics.

1. Invite her to call APS. Tell her you are pretty sure dad is getting all the help he needs but would be happy for a professional outside opinion. HER opinion is not the professional one.

2. Get dad a "needs assessme t" from the local Area Agency on Aging. Again, they will give a dispassionate professional opinion on dad's real needs.

Neither APS nor thr AAA is going to turn your life upside down.
Helpful Answer (14)

I am assuming you live with Dad and since you work from home, he really doesn't need a caregiver. She maybe angling for a job. You are probably going to need to be blunt. Dad no longer wants her popping in and she is disrupted to your work.

Those Ring things look neat. Thinking about buying my own. Keep the door locked. The Ring thing will tape what is said. Next time she comes over tell her that you and Dad would rather she not visit anymore, maybe starting with I am sorry. She upsets Dad and you work from home and you are having a problem getting a project done. If she gets started, tell her you are really not interested because you are Dads Caregiver. If she continues to come over you will consider it harrassment and go from there. You may want to say, too, that if Dad needed a Caregiver you would not be hiring her.
Some people you have to be blunt with, thats the only way u can get thru. Yes, you will upset her or she will get mad. After the initial conversation, do not talk to her again. Just don't answer the door or the phone. If she continues, call the police and see what you can do about her. Maybe an officer talking to her will be enough.

If she calls APS, just allow them to investigate. They will find out that Dad is living in a clean house. He is clean and there is food in the frig and cabinets. And you are there. You explain to them how this woman is. She may need APS. You then have it on record.
Helpful Answer (13)

Thank you to everyone who has replied. It has reassured me somewhat and given me some ideas of how to handle the situation. Just to clarify this lady has only lived in the neighborhood a handful of years, I have always lived here, and there is no history between her and my father, and we have never asked or hired her to do anything and do not want to and my father has never called her. We have disliked her habit of barging in and coming over for lengthy visits for a long time but been too polite to do or say anything except give hints that she has missed or ignored until the situation I posted about started. The words I had with her were directed personally at me and my work, they had nothing to do with my father. She said I have no sense of humor because I take my deadlines seriously (I'm a writer). I politely tried to explain to her that there are real legal and financial consequences involved if I miss a deadline and she said "Boy, you like to complain, don't you?" I was not complaining, I love my work, I was merely trying to explain why it important to me both personally and professionally. My work takes no time away from my father, I only work at night, after he is asleep, there are too many distractions during the day and that's the way my brain is wired and always has been, so my work takes nothing from my father and she knows this. I hope I've answered everyone's follow up questions, if I missed anything my apologies. Thank you again for all your help.
Helpful Answer (13)
againx100 Oct 2021
I would let her go ahead and barge into the house again. Then give her a harsh scolding for being such an obnoxious overbearing idiot! There are a ton of options - "Excuse me! Why in the world do you think it is OK for you to enter this house without permission?? I think you are trespassing and maybe I should call the police!". If this happens again, I WILL call the police and I will get a restraining order. Do NOT, under ANY circumstances, come on my property again.

Do not let her be so pushy. No need to be nice and polite to someone so rude. How would she like it if you barged into her house??

You're only going to have to push back hard one time and it should be taken care of. If not, I seriously would call the police. Not 911, but the non-emergency number. I would also document the date/time of any future interactions with her just in case you need it.

If APS shows up, yes it will be a hassle but so be it. I'd say Oh I see my nosy neighbor finally made good on her threat to report us to you!

I'm kind of a privacy nut so I would not want to let them in but handle that as you see fit.

Why do some people have to be such pains? Aren't you already dealing with enough?

Good luck.
See 1 more reply
The way she has spoken to me clearly shows she does not respect me or what is important to me and I do not want or need someone like this in my life. It's creating stress and worry in both my father and myself on multiple levels. She will not even respect a simple and repeated request made by my father and also by me to be careful opening the door so our beloved cat does not escape. My father no longer wants her to come over and neither do I. My father has decided to tell her this next time she visits so she will not think it's just me and then I'll come in and speak with her if necessary. If that doesn't work we'll consider firmer action.
Helpful Answer (13)
JoAnn29 Oct 2021
I think you are smart to do that. But after that visit, I would keep my doors locked so she can't just walk in. Tell Dad to be very firm on the verge of bluntness. Some people cannot read between the lines. If she tries to visit after Dad speaks to her, just tell her its not a good time. Maybe after a while she will get the hint.

Seems to me she is trying to get to Dad. Maybe she thinks he has money. Please give us an update. We love to know how things work out.
Next time she walks into the house uninvited pick up your phone and call 911 and say that there is an intruder, it is your neighbor but they have trespassed and you need help getting them to leave.
Let her call APS
If you have nothing to worry about the investigation will lead no where.
continue taking care of your dad just as you have.
If there is an investigation welcome them, let them do what they need to do.
Helpful Answer (12)

Hi Kay, my story has nothing to do with the elderly. But, when I moved to a new town once - a local neighbor (a man) acted similarly to me.

He'd walk right in when I was carrying groceries in, etc.
Came over all the time uninvited. Ran after me when I got mail, followed me to the store, etc.

Talked to the police, they said a restraining order was not possible under the circumstances according to the law in that state - so I figured out another way.

My solution: The next time he came to the door - I opened it - then SLAMMED it shut.

When I saw him in public, I turned around and walked away. Even left a shopping cart full of groceries once and left the store.

He got the message - and left me alone. Never bothered me again.

Lesson learned:
Some times you need to be very obnoxious with people and not worry about being polite or neighborly.
We tend to be too nice and that's not always a good thing.
Be firm, and get this behavior stopped by her once and for all.
Helpful Answer (11)

"She has convinced herself my father needs home health care..." does this mean in-home aid other than yourself? What exactly is it *specifically* that she's identified as being the concern? Based on what proof? You don't have to defend yourself if she has no hard proof of anything. Maybe she's angling for a private pay job her herself? Or she is having her own mental health issues?

If you've spoken to her about it already and she still ignores you, this is a problem. But I get the impression from your post that you haven't brought it up to her yet. Tell her exactly what you've told us here and lay out the boundaries in a diplomatic way. Then if she continues to roll over your boundaries you can begin to make the case for a restraining order. Or maybe she'll get the picture and back off. I'm partial to sending people messages in writing so there's proof of what was said and when and how they responded. So, consider asking for her email address. Maybe it's time to install a Ring camera doorbell and some other security measures (which may come in handy for your dad's care as well). He should pay for it.

If you ask her to stop and then she doesn't, then she gets warned by you with what will happen next (a call to the police for trespassing and invasion of privacy, etc). Then you must follow through with the consequences. She may not be just "nosey", but maybe has a mental health issue or is old enough to maybe have some cognitive issues herself. A Ring doorbell will provide all the proof you need. They are affordable and easy to install. Wishing you success!
Helpful Answer (10)
JoAnn29 Oct 2021
I can see a woman I used to work with doing this same thing. She was always telling our clients, in their own homes, what they should be doing. More than one complained and my boss had a talk with her. She didn't see where she did anything wrong.
Lock your dang door!! You say your dad is pretty self sufficent , and it doesn't sound like he has dementia,, so even if she reports you I don;t see where you have anything to worry about. In fact you could turn this around and tell them about HER behavior, how you feel she is over stepping and won;t leave you both alone. Good luck!
Helpful Answer (10)
kaylaP73 Oct 2021
I'm sorry I'm new to this and I should have been more clear about the door. It is always locked when we are inside but my father likes to sit out on the front porch or I step out to get mail or bring in groceries and that is when she barges in. I'll be in the kitchen cooking dinner and my father is on the porch and suddenly she's there making herself a cup of coffee. My father has asked her to knock first so she doesn't startle me, she did this once when I had a pot of boiling water, but she ignores him.
The opinions of a retired caregiver carries no extra weight with anyone. It sounds like Dad is well cared for, plus you're there all the time anyway, so what would home health care accomplish?

If this busybody wants to report you to the authorities, let her. Someone reported my folks to the police for a welfare check, and the police asked to come in the house. They talked to each of my parents and asked to see the inside of their refrigerator to ensure they had adequate food. They also called me and my brother to ask if everything was OK. (I had been there earlier that day and was up there weekly! My brother lived a mile away.)

My father was mortified, and since he was still driving and doing all the grocery shopping, food preparation and laundry, plus attending church and Rotary meetings weekly, the whole thing was absurd, and the police said as much. We never did find out who called, but it was a nonstarter for the nosy person who called.

The only suggestion I'd make is to try to get Dad to go to the walker full-time. A cane is pretty useless over all, and if he starts to fall, he'll pivot and fall sideways. It doesn't help at all. A walker is more stable.
Helpful Answer (9)
JoAnn29 Oct 2021
If APS came into my house right now, they would see very little. We eat out a lot.
See 2 more replies
Makes herself a cup of coffee??

She's aiming to marry him and take over.

I would drop the nice act. I would lay hands on her and push her out the door. Forcefully. You are entitled to peace in your own home.

I might consider calling the non-emergency police line to find out if they can have a chat with her, and also what you are entitled to do in your own home--like give her a swift kick in the pants.

Consider cameras.
Helpful Answer (8)
JoAnn29 Oct 2021
She can't put her hands on her. I did this once to try to get a kid out of a store I worked in and was told by the police to never touch anyone. I had to call them to remove him.
See 3 more replies
See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter