No sex or intimacy in a 7 1/2 yr marriage. How do people make it work?

My suggestion is PT/rehab for him (in a facility if possible), marriage counselling for both of you, and then some counselling just for you to help you heal from your past and identify your future goals.

It sounds as though this marriage isn't working for you, and as though you have made a mistake. There is no shame in admitting that. The fact that your husband is disabled is making you feel "guilt" instead of the correct G word which is grief. I suggest you begin now to see a GOOD therapist, and working out what you want for your life. Be as honest as you are able to be. It sounds as though you are functioning from pity, not love and admiration and a quality life that makes for a strong marriage. Had you been married to this man for decades with a rich and loving history behind you I would be advising you differently, but to be frank there were warning signs flashing long before the marriage and because of all you have been you weren't able to read them. I am so sorry.

I echo what cwillie has suggested.
But add in OT as well as PT.
If he refuses the OT and or PT you need to have a serious discussion with him.
The idea of therapy for both of you is a sound one.
I would suggest separate sessions as well as joint ones.
I realize this might be 20/20 hindsight but this is one reason that major decisions should not be made for at least 1 year after a major event in your life. Major event would be a divorce, death of a spouse to name just 2. And you had both.

Before long, you are going to get comments from people reminding you of your Marriage Vows: In sickness & in health and yada yada. So before that happens, I'd like to remind you that we all make mistakes because we are Human. That's why the divorce rates are where they're at these days: due to making mistakes.

It sounds like your husband was in need of a caregiver instead of a wife when you got married. Which is understandable. And it sounds like you were in a vulnerable & confused state of mind when you said I Do. Which is understandable.

I can relate. Because I married my first husband more out of a need to escape my mother's home than anything else. I loved him, yes, but I knew he wasn't really the right choice for a mate. I knew that he needed a nurse more so than a wife, because he had mental illness issues that only worsened throughout our 22 year marriage. We had 2 kids together, but things continued to go downhill and the last 10 years of the marriage were in name only. Things were bad. So I finally filed for divorce and moved on with my life. He continued to decline afterward. But I made the RIGHT decision back in 2002.

I don't think it's a wise decision for you to 'grin and bear it' in a loveless, sexless, no intimacy marriage where you are nothing more than a caregiver to your husband. You can try marriage counseling so you're able to say you tried everything before you filed for divorce; to know that you gave it all you had. But unless your husband is able to rehab and become whole again, YOU are going to continue in the role of his caregiver for life, and you will have to resign yourself to that role and be okay with it, in order to stay married. Only YOU can answer the question if that's 'enough' for you.

What bothers me most about your post is the 'no intimacy' part. Sex is one thing, intimacy is another. If he's unable to perform sexually, that's understandable. The unwillingness to touch you or cuddle with you, the intimacy, what's the reason he's not interested in THAT? THAT is closeness; what makes people bond and feel connected. Without sex AND without intimacy, all that's left is a business arrangement, which is not what you signed up for.

We all deserve a full life, regardless of 'marriage vows' or mistakes or anything. Your DH can hire caregivers to come in daily to help him with whatever he needs help with physically; that's what healthcare agencies do. It's not what a wife is supposed to do as her ONLY function.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult decision

I think you went from one frying pan into another. I guess to some it sounds romantic to want to take care of someone with disabilities before you marry. But, you really need to research and find out where that disability will lead to. People who have the problems your partner has suffer organ failure and incontinence at some time. Muscles get atrophied if not exercised making them dead weight.

I think counselling for yourself. He has it made. Then research what will be available to him once you divorce him. I will not bring up the vow thing. This isn't something that happened after marriage. I think you were blindside and made a bad choice. And you shouldn't pay for that for the rest of ur life.

You said it yourself that you're not in love with him, so what the heck are you still doing there. It's not fair to him to have a wife that doesn't love him, but only stays out of supposed obligation, nor is it fair to you to live your life with a man you don't love and never did.
It's a sad situation all the way around for sure. You made a rash decision by marrying a man you didn't love, and now you're living with the consequences of that bad decision. You need to do right by him and let him know how you're feeling, and get the ball rolling for a divorce. He deserves better as do you.

Now to answer your question about if you can make a sexless marriage work, because of a spouse being disabled, the answer is yes you can, but there has to be love there from both sides. When you truly love the person you married, you do take your vows seriously, and will do whatever it takes to make things work. But because you say you don't love him, and never did, I can tell you honestly that you will never make it work, so it's best to cut your losses now, because again your husband deserves so much better as do you.

I applaud you for your honesty Tracy. Yours is a difficult situation but by no means unusual. Previous posts have asked about lack of sex and intimacy. I think counseling would help. If you have a church, consider making an an appt with your pastor, you may be surprised at his/her advice. Some actually can realize your plight. It's not always “till death do you part”. Advice is just that, you can take it or leave it. A book called Hope for the Caregiver by Peter Rosenberger tells the true story of a husband who cares for his quadriplegic wife. It may not be what your looking for but it may give you some insight. Whatever your decision, I wish you well.

My DH hasn't touched me in any 'intimate way' for 8 years. He won't talk about it and when I have tried to bring it up, he pulls a pillow over his head.

8 years ago he had a major morotcycle wreck which caused a serious head trauma. 3 years ago, he had 2 heart attacks. Both times the drs warned me that impotence could result from either/both accidents.

I finally quit caring. He cannot take ED drugs b/c of his heart.

I know he loves me, just sex was never important to him and so this shouldn't come as a great surprise to me.

We have things we enjoy doing together--and frankly, I sleep a ton better in my own room, as does he.

It’s okay to change your mind. Let it be an opportunity to show your children that sometimes we have to make difficult decisions to change our lives for the better. Start setting aside resources for yourself and work towards what you really want. And, I agree with everyone else- counseling.

I give.
I always want to help my wife.
I cook, clean ( everything ), inside and outside of the home.
I work hard,,, and I provide .
I want her to have a better life.
I try to make everything better.

For the last several years,,,, it has been joint replacements (4)
and melanomas (7).... and several other major medical issues.

She can't play Tennis,,, anymore,,,, and that was a major joy for her ( for decades ). That was her passion.

She has OCD and is abusive.
She is mean and nasty all day long.
This has continued to increase,,,,,, that part.....
,,,,,
and
I continue to give/help/do
,,, with the hope she will improve.
as her fear of mental decline has increased.

I care more about her,,,, than she does for me.

She rarely even touches me.
I rub cream on her feet , legs, knees every night for over an hour.
I am touchy feely,,, she is not.
She has sleep issues,,, which I thought I could fix ( by loving her,,,,,) Ha Ha .
We sleep in separate beds.

Anyway,,, I hate how she treats me,,,
I hate ( even more ) that I continue to stay and give.
I am so empty. Drained. Depressed.

I thought ,,, marriage would be passionate,,,
I thought I would be appreciated for what I do for her.
No
sex,,,
no intimacy .
I never got the intimacy that I thought marriage would be.
2 1/2 years without.... any love....


I feel obligated .
I need to be responsible....
a
good husband.

I try to treat others,,, like I would want to be treated ,,
if I was in their position.

Lately it seems like " crash and burn "
I feel it is wrong for me to bail out of this marriage.
and
I also feel that I have bailed out on myself.

maybe ,,,, I just wish,,,,
I was a person,,,
that just loved myself.

Sacrifice ?
Guilt ?
Acceptance ?
Shame ?

This is the first time I have ever responded to any social media thing.
I read what you wrote.
I understood the " commitment to love "
I wanted to respond,,,," run for your life !! "
Maybe I ( just needed ) wanted to say that to myself ?

Am I strong ,,,, and I stay ?
Am I weak ,,, and I stay ?
Why do I stay ?
Not worthy enough to take care of myself ?

I read this in a meditation book years ago,,,


" Like a leaf in a stream,,
It is too silly,,,
to get too attached....
to any particular
part of the journey "

Am I afraid to change ?
or is it
that I love my wife,
who has
mental and physical issues,,,
and I
just love her to the very end,,,
through her fears and struggles.

Well ,,, maybe sharing the " words "
is what helps
to re-leave the pressure built up inside me.
And,,, reading the " words " / pain
from others helps me realize that I am not alone.


Well ,,,
here
I sit ,,,
in the exact same shit.
I guess ,,
that's it.
A real
Crazy Pit.
There has to be a way,,,
to
climb out,,,?
of it !!!

sorry if anything I wrote was hurtful in any way.

Hi Tracy71,

You brought up the "S" word on here. I did that before and someone cut me off, said she will never read my posts again! Lol Good for you. I'm sorry to hear all you have been through. So much.. Your not a horrible person, just being human. I understand what you mean about doesn't seem to make a effort. I know my husband doesn't have full function on his arms and legs, however feel like he could help me out more by moving himself. He has always been not caring about if I'm happy or not, and it's all about him. You thought you would just need to help him, not have to do everything (even after a broken arm). I know were "good" people to take care of our spouses but what about what we need, huh.
What makes me upset is my husband doesn't seem to care (I have been married to him a long time, I know he dosent) about my life. It's a hard situation were in. It's a tough one Tracy. Your not a horrible person for feeling this way. Your feeling like a lot of us caregivers here. I was probably not much help, because I'm still thinking of what to do. Like I said, it's a hard decision. Your not alone.

If you are absolutely sure that you don’t love him, ending your marriage is the answer. It sort of sounds like this was a rebound situation. Your heart may have been with your first husband. Some people do successfully remarry. I am so sorry that he ended his life. Suicide leaves survivors with so many unanswered questions.

I am sure that you entered your current marriage with the very best intentions and you may regret your decision. I think it is good that you realize how you truly feel. Do you imagine yourself free from the frustration that you are enduring?

What about a trial separation? I have dear friends who were struggling with their relationship. They sought counseling. As a last resort, the therapist advised them to separate from each other for a period of six months. The marriage counselor told them that they would find out if they wanted to remain apart, or get back together at the end of the trial separation.

This couple followed the counselor’s advice. Their situation was different than yours. The wife was extremely outgoing and the husband was quite reserved. They did resume their marriage and are still married today. She no longer requires him to be as social as she is. He is content staying home alone while she goes out with friends.

Some couples don’t get back together after a separation. One or both of them have peace of mind knowing that they absolutely feel that they aren’t suitable for each other. You as the wife. may decide that you would be better off being single again. If your husband still wants to be married and you don’t, it’s sad, but isn’t feasible for the marriage to continue.

Wishing you peace as you navigate your way through this difficult time in your life.

You regret your marriage, which you now feel was impetuous and decided on at a time when you were shaken and vulnerable.

Perhaps you needed to feel needed? Unfortunately, that hasn't gone so well for either of you. You feel you're not in a "real" marriage; and your husband has ceased to make any effort at independence. That, you can do something about.

How long ago exactly was the fall with the broken arm? How did it happen, and how long did it take to mend? The reason I ask is that the fall and the injury will have devastated his confidence, and just at that very moment he then acquired a full-time nurse to lean on - nobody's fault, nobody's plan, it's just a real shame the timing worked like this.

With physical therapy, occupational therapy, and outside caregivers' support he can embark on a rehabilitation program at home aimed at restoring independence. You just need someone to put the program together for you both. Then, if it transforms your marriage, great; and if it doesn't, he'll still have regained his motivation and self-respect and you will have helped him to do it.

How much does your husband know about how you're feeling?

All things aside, if your marriage was exactly the same with a healthy husband would you be ready to leave? It’s not like you have kids. If the marriage is emotionally and physically sterile, then you should leave. I don’t mean to be blunt, but even with his limited mobility there should be ways to have an emotionally and physically satisfactory relationship that meets everyone’s needs. Otherwise you might as well be a 24/7 aide. As you note, that may not be something he can commit to-there may be a big mismatch between his and your definition of what a satisfactory relationship is, and again, this would be a reason to dissolve the marriage. Have you told him you’re unhappy?
Why not get a caregiver in at night and you sleep in another room for now? Is husband not amenable to an aide helping you? Could this be paid for out of his disability? I will point out that consistently interrupted sleep leads to all kinds of poorer health outcomes for you down the road. If you get pushback from him on this then I’d say he’s more about control than caring for you.
If you divorce your husband are you willing to cut all ties with him initially until you feel like you are emotionally ‘untangled’ from his needs, so that you can live independently ( no ‘soft’ divorce)?
Get a counsellor, therapist, pastor…someone in your corner to support your talking this through, making sure you know your own mind, and supporting your decision. This will bring you some peace as you move forward. Having been your husband’s primary caregiver all these years means that this is going to be difficult emotionally. The likelihood that he will try to play on your emotions to get you to stay seems high, and you’ll need some help.

He's probably not happy either, and it is showing with his attitude. What is your relationship with his relatives? If it is good, maybe it is time for a talk with them.

I don't think it CAN work unless both parties are fully on-board with it. My husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer and underwent radiation therapy which rendered him impotent 21 years ago. Even though the doctor explained that impotency "may" occur, I don't think either of us thought it could/would happen to us or, maybe more importantly, realized the toll it would take on our marriage. My husband refused intimacy because he thought I would expect more beyond that (like I wasn't aware of the situation!) I can't honestly say why I stuck it out (although my husband did lay a guilt trip on me because I put so much emphasis on sex) but in hindsight, I wish we had parted ways at least 15 years ago. I was 48 at the time our relations ceased, about the same age as you...far too young for a life of celibacy. My resentments have grown and now that I'm taking care of him, I'm even more resentful. We bicker and argue almost constantly and I know neither of us enjoys the life we are currently living. BUT he's 86 and I'm 68 so for all intents and purposes "till death do us part."

(Bear in mind the marriage vows were written by a man in the 1500's)

I can totally relate to what you are saying. I have not been able to develop any relationships due to my 24/7 care taking of my wife. I am not complaining, just stating a fact. We must continue our care taking and keep looking for that possible other relationship. However there are very few who want to get involved with someone who is caring for their spouse.

I'd be the last person to tell you to remember your wedding vows.
Not many people can or have the ability to relate to what you are saying. After my wife of 30+ years had her stroke and two years of dedicating my life, giving up my career to someone who would rather fight and argue than do even a meaningless task for herself, you described my life exactly.
Interesting watching friends and family scatter like ants to avoid awkward conversations or situations leaving you wondering whats next, or is this it?
I watched my mom in a nursing home for 5 years (medicaid) be drugged into a submissive state of zombie daily and swore I'd never do that to my wife.
All I can suggest is a respite whereby a short-term care provider either comes in 24/7 or inpatient for a period of time to allow you to get your batteries charged.
Ive actually called for lawmakers to reconize the need for us caregivers and legislate some sort of 'medial escort' service dedicated to this need. If they can do it for weed it can be done for a person's physical and mental requirement.
For now I take my frustrations out on a large acreage in Colorado we live on but there is only so much firewood can be split or other jobs.
You mentioned you have kids from previous, are they in any position to come spend time? Of like my son a busy life of his own.
Back to the firewood, best of luck.
Tim

You have a few options.
Sit down and talk to him that you are done doing things for him that he can do himself.
By the way he can learn how to run the washing machine and he can fold laundry. (I will admit that unless you have a front load washer getting the stuff out would be difficult but that is minor) Due to the limited use of arms it might take a while but he will get the hint that if he soils the bedding he can wash it.
Provide a urinal he can use at night or a condom catheter.
If he can dry himself let him do that.
If he still refuses to do what he can for himself....If he says he can't do this or that..as the doctor to approve several sessions of PT and OT so he can learn, or relearn what he was taught after the accident.
The other option...
Divorce him.
If you do not love him, if he does not love you then that is the practical solution.

Wow Tracy71. ...our backgrounds have a lot of similar items. I'm caring for my bedridden spouse. Have been for going on 20 years. I do the same things for her you do for your hubby. Or I sometimes refer to her as my roommate. I know it's very difficult to not feel resentful and guilty and worthless all at the same time. I do. Sometimes I'm ready to walk out the door, not look back, and start all over again. I fantasize about being intimate with a desirable woman. To touch another human being that doesn't expect and demand and complain constantly. To snuggle, cuddle, fondle are distant memories. To even lay nude in bed with my arms around a woman is an exotic dream I have. I wish I knew what and how to do something about my situation. But I'm clueless. I feel like a turd circling the toilet bowl. I guess to know that others have similar circumstances helps to a degree. But it doesn't solve the problem. Try to stay strong. I try, but don't always succeed. You have my sympathy and all the good vibes I can muster for you.

Wow Tracy71. ...our backgrounds have a lot of similarity. I'm caring for my bedridden spouse. Have been for going on 20 years. I do the same things for her you do for your hubby. Or I sometimes refer to her as my roommate. I know it's very difficult to not feel resentful, guilty and worthless all at the same time. I do. Sometimes I'm ready to walk out the door, not look back, and start all over again. I fantasize about being intimate with a desirable woman. To touch another human being that doesn't expect and demand and complain constantly. To snuggle, cuddle, fondle are distant memories. To even lay nude in bed with my arms around a woman is an exotic dream I have. I wish I knew what and how to do something about my situation. But I'm clueless. I feel like I'm circling the toilet bowl. I guess to know that others have similar circumstances helps to a degree. But it doesn't solve the problem. Try to stay strong. I try, but don't always succeed. You have my sympathy and all the good vibes I can muster for you.