No one really cares. Any thoughts?

She definitely needs to go back to the NH. But before she does, I'd read up on how to handle bullies and be assertive, and practice on her! I ignored my mom when she spoke to me like that--didn't make eye contact, and didn't react. The more they see they're getting to you, the worse they get, and they'll be as bad as they can get away with, as you know. Anyway, it should help heal some old wounds and you'll feel better. And then back to the NH she goes.

I think, for your own sanity, you need to bring mom back to the NH and give yourself time to grieve for you dad.

I know exactly how you feel! You and I have a lot in common like many other caregivers. My problem is dealing with everything. You are not alone in this at all. I have watched my mom deteriorate in 3 years. Now, she is in Depends 24/7 which has added more work for me. She can walk with assistance (holding my hand), still able to eat (cut up food like for a 1-year-old), I crush her pills (put in cranberry juice), I wash more laundry (daily) than I ever have in my life, I have to dress her daily, she still can talk but by the end of day she mumbles, many times I do not understand what she is talking about I just tell her “Okay".  I worry about when the day comes, she can no longer walk! So, I am trying to learn how to handle all the important things like having her put in Memory Care facility, planning for her death, how to pay for all this? Believe me if you can put your mom in a facility with no issues you should do it especially since she is being ugly to you and disrespectful. My mom tells me thank you for everything I do, and I mean every little thing too! I take it day by day and do the best I can for her. My husband has been a life savior for me. He steps in when he notices me getting tired. Yep, I get really tired of it all, but I try to make the best of it. I started riding my bike in the morning daily while mom is still sleeping. The bike rides have really helped me. You must find something to help yourself relieve some of the stress. I am no expert at all but doing something for yourself will help you. My dad passed away in the nursing home in January after 10.5 years! My mom does not even remember Papa at all. I feel sorry for my mom, but this is what dementia/Alzheimer does to people’s brain. My only advice is put your mother back in the facility if she has the money. My dad spent well over a million dollars plus to live in a nursing home. My dad was lucky he had 2 pensions, monthly social security check, and savings too. My mom only gets a social security check which increased once my dad passed away. I have been saving my mom’s money for almost 3 years! Three years of her social security pays about 4 months of memory care! I believe no matter how much I save it is never going to be enough! Put your mom back in the facility instead of putting up with your moms mental & emotional abuse. Lastly, Remember we all care!

Why would you think no one here cares? This is a support group for people who are or have been caregivers to an elderly family member. Everyone here knows exactly where you're coming from and can relate to your situation because we've all pretty much been there or are currently there. This group has been a God send for me. I've learned a good many things from the people over here because many have had the same experience as me and they help. Sometimes a person just needs to tell it to people who get it. Everyone gets it here.
What you're saying about how your mother reacts to your father passing away is pretty common. She sounds like a martyr. A person who craves sympathy and attention from other people and wants to be pitied. I'm willing to bet she was one long before your father passed away and before she became elderly. If you take a minute to think about it, she was probably bossy, nosy, critical of you, and selfish your whole life.
Here's the whole of it. She lives in YOUR house. She is dependent on YOU. Not the other way around.
You are not a child anymore that she can make demands on or browbeat when she's having a bad day because she needs someone to take her anger and frustration out on. You're an adult and you do not have to tolerate her disrespect and abuse.
It may very well be that she is too old and too set in her ways to make any significant and lasting changes in how she behaves towards you. That being said, send her back to the nursing home if she's unable to treat you with the same basic respect and curtesy she'd show a stranger asking for the time of day. You don't have to have your life ruined by trying to be her caregiver. She needs more than you have to give. You can't fix her life.
Put her back in the nursing home you took her out. Let them do the job they're paid to do and let that be the end of it.

Why wait a month? Neither of you are happy now. You know that you’ll both be better off when you have the time to grieve your father and she has the time to comp,ai. To people who are paid to listen to her.

Good care giving is a balance.

Your mother's grief -- or lack thereof -- is not for you to judge or concern yourself with. My parents were happily married for 66 years, and my mother forgot my dad within two months of his death and "married" an imaginary husband and The Perfect Man. It made me furious at first, but then I realized it was her way of protecting herself from a loss she couldn't quite comprehend. I showed her a photo of my dad from their college yearbook the other day and she just shrugged her shoulders indifferently and said, "Huh." Her brain is broken, so I don't worry about it and neither should you.

You are understandably depressed and overwhelmed, so it's time to do something about it. Mom moves back to the nursing home. You get help for your own mental state and let the nursing home folks do their jobs without you having to worry about overseeing them.

Take things one step at a time, but the first step is moving Mom.

My condolences on the loss of your father. For what it's worth, my parents were also married for 68 years when my father died. My mother never grieved for him either; in fact, today is the 6th anniversary of his passing & she NEVER speaks of him. Never. I won't even bother mentioning to her that today is June 23rd b/c she won't care. She's glad he's gone, and makes it a point to only talk about him to her nieces when it make her sound like a good aunt. No photos of him in her room at the Memory Care at all, nothing. So I feel your pain. It's not 'odd' they're acting this way, our mothers, it's more a sign of their narcissistic personalities that the world revolves around THEM THEM THEM and nothing else matters.

I would have lost my mind long ago if I had taken my mother in to live with me. I don't know how on earth you're doing it, but you should consider getting her back to the nursing home in an effort to take your own life back. ASAP. These women are miserable no matter WHERE they live or WHO'S taking care of them, so why ruin OUR lives trying to achieve the impossible?

Wishing you the best of luck. And know that there are a bunch of strangers here that DO care b/c we can feel your pain. Most of us are in the same boat or have been there/done that and know the pain of where you're at right now. Sending you a big HUG today!

This is more than one person can handle. Please look into placing her back into the nursing home immediately

I’m sorry for your loss, I lost my dad last summer and know the pain and sadness. You’re in what sure seems like an impossible situation with your mother, nothing you do will be okay, and there’s no fixing it. I hope you’ll find a better living option for her soon, and gain peace for yourself

My thought is that if you do not know why your Mom is not openly grieving, it would be unlikely that we do. That is one long marriage. One can really never assess the marriage of another, but you were witness to this marriage for many years. You may know what the relationship had come to toward the end. In other generations people often stayed together for reasons other than great love. Perhaps companionship, perhaps habit. Your Mom sounds, from your own description (and of course we only hear your side) a bit of a narcissistic personality. There are more than a few in our world. I doubt this is new for her.
And yet you decided--without being certain why--to take Mom into your home. Knowing, more or less, "who she is".
It was perhaps a mistake? Only you can do that assessment. If it was a mistake you will need to discuss that with your Mom. You say that the marriage was of 68 years duration. This would mean that Mom is perhaps in her late 80s at the least. She may require care, so it may be ALF or Nursing Home for her. My bro was in ALF and you would find some like your Mom who delight in her type of behavior bossing around and criticizing other members of what my bro and I used to call a "60s commune advanced in age". She would likely be happy there, or as unhappy as she is ordinarily. And for certain you would be happy yourself.
I see that you have more than a few responses of others, and I hope they will help you. But do know that Forum is not for everyone. You have, in your life, learned a lot to share with others. And if you handle this situation you will again have a lot to pass on to others that may help them, or that may not help them at all. Hope you will reconsider. I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad, and sorry that living with Mom is so difficult. I do know my limitations. Never a day on earth that I thought I could do that. Hard enough to live with the man I love like crazy!
Good luck.

First, I am sorry that your dad died. It sounds like you're not only grieving, but are also suffering from depression as well. I hope you are being treated for that.
And then on top of all that, you chose to bring your mom into your home, who requires 24/7 care. WOW! I can only guess that your grief interfered with your thinking on that decision.
But thankfully, you already know that she really doesn't belong in your home, but back in the nursing home, where she will have the care she needs, and you can get back to just being her daughter. I certainly wouldn't give it another month, but would get the ball rolling now to get her back where she belongs.
I'm sorry that you're feeling that no one cares on this forum. I've been on it for I guess over a year already, and I've never gotten that impression. In fact it's been the opposite for me. I have found that there a many, many caring people on here who do truly care, and are just trying to make it through another day with the one(s) they're caring for, or trying their best to share with others things that have worked for them in their caregiving journey.
And also I have never seen a post/question go unanswered on here. Sometimes it may take a little while, but that is only because not everyone on here knows the answers to all the posts. I myself, only respond to the ones that I feel I can give a helpful reply, so please don't write us off yet. There are many on here that care.(we wouldn't be here if we didn't)
Please take care of yourself, get some therapy for your grief and your depression, get mom out of your house, and know that God loves you.

Last1standing - I care. I am a caregiver for my mother. I understand your struggle.

Perhaps, your previous posts were lost among many and not a lot of posters got a chance to see them. Sorry you didn't get many responses.

I read your previous posts where you said you didn't like the 2 nursing homes your dad and mom were in. That was the reason you took your mom back home after your dad passed away. Sorry for your loss.

Having your mom at home has proved to be an impossible position to be in, too. With your mom condition, she has to be in a nursing home. Put in camera to ensure better treatment as you said in your other posts. I hope you will find a better nursing home for your mother.

I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. Sorry that you are having difficulty with your mom. Maybe she is having a very hard time and she doesn’t know how to handle her emotions at the moment.

Did she ask you to bring her home? How old is your mom?

Do you want to place her back in the nursing home? That might be the best thing. Again. I am so very sorry that you are struggling with this.

Take care.

Sorry for the loss of your Dad.

If you need some kindness around that (& who wouldn't!) can you spend more time with some understanding friends? Less time with Mom?

Maybe you thought being with Mom would ease the grief? Help you both?

Unfortunately not to be.

So cut your loses & return her to NH care.

Being a visitor & not her 'staff' may really improve your relationship.

Put her back in the nursing home where she belongs. No one person can be expected to give 24/7 care to someone with your mother's level of needs.

I'm so sorry for the recent loss of your dad!

It sounds as though working to get mom back in to the nursing home might be the best idea all around.