What to do with Mom when no nursing homes will take her?

missmel, this is painful to read. I am so sorry that you are going through this. The only solution that came to mind is to get the state involved. Your mother may need to go into a mental facility. I don't know anything about how this is done, but your county mental health service workers should be able to help you. I wish it could be different and I hope you're able to receive the help you need. Big hugs to you and your family.

Call the police and tell them she is a danger to others and herself..hopefully that will get her into the 'system' and then tell them she needs a court appointed conservator because you are unable, due to your own safety, to care for her any longer. You, precious daughter, have done enough, detach with love and let the system kick in and take care of her.

Missmel, please don't feel alone.

Where exactly is your mother at the moment? And what are your circumstances - are you living alone or with other people, are you working, what else is going on in your life?

I really can imagine how heart-sinking it is to have a parent nobody wants to take in. But remember: your mother may be a very difficult person to look after, she may have very complex needs, BUT SHE IS NOT THE ONLY ONE and I really doubt if she's the worst. After all, just for example, there are big strong men in late middle age whose dementia makes them violent - but one way or another their families get through. It may not be pretty, but there will be a way.

Also remember that you are not responsible for your mother's behaviour. She's your mother, not your child. If other people push her away because she's abusive, remember that you too are a the victim of her abuse, you're not the perpetrator. If you're prepared to help her in spite of her behaviour, so will others be.

There will be a way. Keep asking until someone helps you find it. Can you tell us a little more about what kind of conditions your mother has been diagnosed with? What kind of care she needs?

Has she ever been to geriatric psychward? Maybe they can get her stabilized with medication before she goes to another place.

There are a few things which come to mind (My mother was also kicked out of an Assisted living Memory Care unit). Make sure you have a good psychologist, and make sure your mom takes all the meds s/he prescribes (My mom was eventually able to get on the right meds, she is still living with dad at home for now). Then get in touch with a good Social Worker or Geriatric Case Manager. They know all the ins and outs of the laws in your state, and they will know all the places she could go to. Around here (Upstate NY) we have "locked" geriatric facilities, which are different from "Psycho Wards" for the criminally insane, or other kinds of adult mental disorders. That might be a solution. But the Case Manager will know.

I think the nursing home(s) were/are saying that they are not set-up to handle your mother. I agree with others who have suggested you need to pursue the mental health route, those in that field are organized with facilities, staff and treatments for all kinds of behaviors and issues...especially those that are at an elevated level. In general, nursing homes are not intended or designed for patients or issues which your mother has. There's probably regulations and concerns for the safety of their staffs and other patients/residents. There should be a variety of mental health organizations in your area or an organization that can steer you in the right direction to get you started. You may have to consider placing her in a facility that is miles away and will limit your visiting and involvement, but sounds like you and your mother have reached a crossroads for a major life change, and while different, it shouldn't be looked upon as a bad thing, for either of you.

I salute you for your devotion for and care of your mother. I wish you...peace.

What a terrible hospital not to advise you! Where were the social workers and discharge planners! I am so very sorry! There should never be a dead end when people are in this much trouble.
Please keep us posted. Keeping you in my prayers.

Consult her physician who has the medical history with her including her psychiatrist or neurologist. Have them refer you or her to geriatric psychiatrist.

Also speak with the NH. Typically they can't just discharge your mom without her having a care plan if she is not competent. That said....they will pressure YOU and family to take her. Don't. Refuse their calls and refuse to assume discharge and responsibility.

They can consult with local behavioral center, etc. to find suitable placement. There are limited geriatric psych care facilities and they may not be located near where she lives or near family, but at least they exist and you have choices. I've heared to always visit and get references as some are better than others.

Sorry you and your mom are going thru yet another crisis. You both need help, and mom will get what she needs. If you take charge, the system will continue to dump on you just to get her out of their system...don't take her, is my advice otherwise the entire onus is on you to secure care for her and you need more help at this point.

@ sunflo - that is what I experienced. Only when I was suffering PTSD attacks, was in tears and saying I could not do this any longer did the "system" step in. In our system, the stress of the caregiver is factored in - not too soon, I might add.

@missmel - your mother needs professional mental health care, and a geriatric psychiatrist. As sunflo says, as long as you accept her back the system will continue to dump her on you. Be firm that you can no longer deal with her. I have found that social workers will try to palm things off on you. Don't accept that. My mother never said she loved me either. Due to her disorder, she is incapable of normal love. It is something I have had to accept, and grieve for the mother I needed and never had.
Keep in touch and do something good for you today. ((((((hugs)))))

yet another issue, NH called me yesterday and said come get your mom we can;t help her . Well I was on my way to work and said I can't .I decided to contact my attorney to find out what my rights were for my mom. I found out that by laugh the nh can not kick her out. They have to have written documation that shows the issues and why they cant take or help her. They told me to take her to the state hosp which is three hours away.one way. they said you have to take her not us. So after contacting my attorny I called them back but they refused to talk to me. They also told me that morning that my mom was refusing to eat or take her meds. That was a lie. They have not been giving her meds to her at times if she is asleep they leave them on the table and most times they are gone when she wakes up. I have called and reported them so will see. I lived two hours away so I can;t just pop in but try once a week. My attorney said if I sigh her out that it becomes my problem so that is why the nh is pushing for me to do it so they dont have to. Wow what a bunch of garbage . They are suppose to be helping me and now all it is , is misery on my part. I am afraid now what else I will find out