No more sex ever for me??

Girlfriend My husband has been dead for years now Go to Walmart and buy yourself a LONG HANDLED massager.
I got one call it BOB 👉MY BATTERY OPERATED BOYFRIEND. Satisfy yourself and go about your day. My only worrie Doors locked would be the kids finding me dead with BOB🤣.Emotionally you don’t need anyone else complicating your life now but you need to be complete in self. The relief from the back massager will do you good. Have fun smile again.
use it on hubby’s legs.

Considering he is bedridden he may have some other things on his mind... you think? No one wants to have sex if they don’t feel sexy... does he feel sexy, you think? Don't give up on him... ask him for hugs and compliment him... give him confidence and it may happen... in the interim invest in toys :) sickness and in health... we say it for a reason. Dont be like the stereotypical man and find sex somewhere else because you are losing patience... we are better than that. It’s all about integrity in this life... and if you need it that badly... leave him and spare him more humiliation unless he agrees to you finding it somewhere else.

This is a very difficult problem.

From what you said in your lead off post, it sounds to me that hubby has a sound mind, despite depression.

Perhaps if you sit close to him and take his hand in yours and tell him yet again about your keenly-felt need for affection, he might be willing to allow you to snuggle with him every morning after breakfast and also at night before bed. (You could initiate the physical affection if he is willing to participate. Of course, he may not be willing to engage in it some days.)

If you have a fairly good singing voice you could play some nice romantic music and sing along. Songs such as "Someone to watch over me" come to mind.

You might also want to talk about good times had in the past with family and friends, as for that special vacation to "Vermont" in the eighties or some other specific place that was "slap" wonderful,

If he responds or not, I would not suggest talking about you maybe having a friend on the side, even if only for platonic companionship. Not knowing more about your situation than what you said, it is my opinion that, whatever you do, it would be cruel to divorce him, as some responders have suggested.

With or without telling him about a possible outside friend, having such a friend would constitute abandoning your marriage vows. Having said that, I do not believe in "situational" ethics. I also do not say that judgmentally.

But the world tugs one way, and heaven tugs another. The bible says the Lord directs our steps, and if that is so, then to act out based on our own thinking is not (in my opinion) the proper way to live.

In my own case, my wife of 61 years had a massive stroke in 2005 and I cared for her at home for two years, with two breaks weekly for four hours each day. Following that, she was in the nursing home for ten more years before she passed away in 2017. I was at her bedside for breakfast and for lunch every single day. I also hired nice ladies to be with her from 4 to 6 PM daily to help her eat and to provide companionship. (Her symptoms included having no ability to speak except yes and no; being paralyzed on the right side of her body; and that was her dominant side, having severe dizziness during all waking moments; having a number of superficial skin cancer lesions; experiencing 24 or so Urinary Tract Infections over the ten years of residence in the nursing home; and more ailments more minor in nature...) She could not stand up.

Through all of those symptoms, she remained extremely cheerful. Those 12 years of caregiving on my part were the most rewarding of my life. Every day I would tease her about "flirting" with the men who went by her doorway on wheelchairs, and I'd say things like "if it weren't for our terrific sex life, I would stop coming to see you." She would laugh hilariously when I'd say things like that. Of course there was no sex at all. However, I did give her squeezies.

At breakfast and lunch, I'd put food on a fork or spoon and move it toward her mouth and when I'd get close and she opened her mouth to receive it, I would pull it back and she'd get a good laugh. Sometimes I would sing her a love song or a hymn.

We had been high school sweethearts and married at age 19. She bore us four nice kids.

So it was very satisfying to be her loyal caregiver.. I will not comment on whether I was totally faithful or not, but I was definitely loyal.

May God provide you with peace of mind as you face each new day with courage and innovative thinking and acting.

Grace + Peace,

Old Bob

The reply to your complaints is wise in pointing out to you that you should lovingly encourage your ill husband to engage in sexually motivated intimacies without the necessity of his performing as he once did.It is very possible you could work out a very inyimate sexual relationship that would satisy you both. Please try for that. please encourage him in a truly affectionate and undemanding way.Also, note that God in his Holy Word very repeatedly nd in very detailed specific ways condems all sexual activity of which he dissaproves. he never condems masturbation.Obviously, a frequent and obsessive such practice might be selfish and or wrong. However, in certain situations and for unselfish reasons, it seems right. If God strictly forbids it, he would have made that very clear in the Bible. Love to all and especially to caregivers.

I believe that for most people including myself , normal healthy sexual hunger does not diminish with age. We can, with God's help, do without sex without suffering, however. I have tried hard for more than 40 years to find a good and Godly Christian man to marry.I have remained single, celibate, and happy. Sexual orgasm is natural and wonderful. it is not necessary to a happy life.With God's help, we can live happy productive lives without it.Some are trapped in a situation without sexual satisfaction. Some, like myself, choose celibacy rather than marriage with someone not compatible.May God comfort , bless , and protect us all especially caregivers.Caregiving must be incredibly difficult. Love to all

Unitetogether:

You say in your post that, "I want more than just kisses and snuggling however don't even get that."

Perhaps your husband is not offering kisses and snuggles because he senses that it is not enough for you, and he does not want to tease you into thinking sexual activity will follow.

By your own words you admit the kisses, hugs, and snuggles will NOT be enough. I am quite certain any reasonably intelligent human can pick up on that feeling emanating from you.

I agree with those who asked what about honoring marital vows? The phrase, "in sickness and in health" was put in the vows for a reason.

Also, reverse the rolls in your mind. How would you feel if you were seriously ill, and your husband found someone else to engage with sexually?

I am quite certain you would be more than heartbroken, you would feel even more worthless than the worthless feeling of being bedridden and seriously ill.

If you google it you will see that milennials are actually having less sex, not more.

Why?

Fear of STDs, preferring masturbation to the complications of a relationship with someone just for sex.

Perhaps if you assured your husband that you were actually interested in only hugs and snuggles to satisfy your "skin hunger" than perhaps he would be more inclined to engage.

So based on the milennials lack of interest in sex, despite raging hormones, people can and do live without engaging in sex with another person.

The world is a sad place, these days, IMO. Everyone is so "me" focused.

An affair will expose you to STDs and heartbreak, and if the other man is married, too, the affair may put your life in danger.

Many men may be interested in having an affair with you.

However, IMO, few good single men will be interested in a serious relationship with someone who is married to a sick man and his cheating on him.

I feel your pain! My husband was unable to have sex with me for a long time before he died. But he did enjoy being with me while I used my vibrator. Your husband may enjoy your getting that satisfaction while you are together. I am 19 months away from his death and met someone online that is very interested in sex. I'm 68 and he's 69. Your husband may be afraid that if you are affectionate, it may be upsetting to one of you. Have you offered to manipulate and give him pleasure. Not judging, just know how discouraging it is to be in your shoes. Don't give up hope. Talk to him about your desires. He may be ashamed of his situation and avoiding the whole scenario. He may feel undesirable.

I'm not sure why I'm posting this for you (my father died last year so I'm not caregiving anymore). I find people complaining about lack of love, hugs, kiss, sex, etc. so ridiculous. I'm 48 years old and ugly, and I have never even been asked on a date. I will die without EVER having received a romantic kiss or sex. So, you do NOT need it! My late mother couldn't live without it though when she was married to my father (they never divorced) who didn't want it so she had multiple affairs, a miscarriage from one of those men, herpes, etc. There is not a man on this planet who would choose being with me over death. So, consider yourself lucky that you used to have love.

Did you not marry for better or worse...sickness and in health? You could cheat and betray him, which would make you an immoral person and you could end up with a sexually transmitted disease. You can even catch gonorrhea and syphilis, and you can also end up divorced and losing his disability check. Most men are unemployed these days and will want you to support them and their kids. You are probably around his age, and most guys want to use older women.

I've been married for years and we never have sex. Does not matter. I married for love and I won't cheat on him. Besides he's financial security so I have no interest in anybody else. I make my own money, but if I lose my job I won't have to worry. I would never divorced him. I'm very happy with my marriage.

Unite Together

I feel your pain❤️ I can’t speak wholeheartedly to how a man thinks but I can say I empathize. I think in a mans mind if they can’t perform they feel so guilty that they just do nothing. I have been where you are and it’s sad and maddening. It’s like they think if they can’t give you a steak dinner you don’t want the crumbs...we are starving for crying out loud, give us crumbs!

I cried out that statement for some time but it didn’t seem to register or registered and the guilt of not being able preform like he wanted to was too much.

If you haven’t talk with him. I would also suggest telling him how much you love and desire him.

Compliment him, tell him he’s sexy, initiate intimacy. Lay a big fat sloppy kiss on him and see how he reacts. Sit and hold his hand and tell him how good it feels.

A person who is wholly dependent upon another and dealing with issues that make them feel like only a shell of a man (not my words but husbands) really has trouble getting past it.

I am so sorry. Being in a sexless marriage is so hard and I know the struggle. I grieve that loss quite often and I know it can be consuming. You clearly love your husband and I am so sorry for your struggle.

If you don’t have a counselor May I suggest getting one for yourself. Also, masturbation is thought of as taboo to talk about but you have needs and that may be one way to meet a need partially.

God bless you and sustain you through this❤️

Do you think the fact that your husband is bedridden might be causing him to feel repulsed with himself as well as inadequate "as a man" and that he can't imagine that you would really want a physical relationship with him?

What is your husband's life expectancy? Maybe you are too young to rule out ever being loved that way by a man again. I've had the joy of seeing a number of friends get a second chance at love after their spouse had died.

Hire a caregiver for 8 hours and get out of the house. If you can't afford 8 hours, do it for 4.

Find a man to have sex with. A younger man would be great.
Think of me what you will.. skin hunger is real and exists.
Your husband is too sick to respond.
You are his CG now and he doesn't thinl that way anymore.

Get a companion.

I see all kinds of answers on here... Please reread that he is bedridden !! Imagine how HE must feel not being able to do anything like he used to.. bedridden means he has to to depend on someone to do most everything for him.
He probably has some depression, and feels more like a patient then a husband at this point...
I doubt there is much you can do at this point, either accept the facts or look for affection outside , but I bet you would feel guilty if you did that..
Good luck either way....

Wow.

You are not alone. I am 50 and I have not had intimacy with my husband for 5 yrs. He has Alz and cannot perform anymore. But I love him and decide to stay celibate. That’s my personal decision, not trying to tell you anything. Driving me nuts, though.

Let's face it, lots and lots of people are trying to survive in loveless marriages, for multiple reasons...kids, financial, fear of change... and with and without spousal caretaking responsibilities. It comes down to whether or not you are willing to continue with this present situation. Be strong and courageous with your decisions, and take care of yourself first. DIVORCE is there for us for a reason. Difficult as it is for anyone to do, sometimes it really is the only option.

I agree depression could be his cause. Also, blood pressure medication can cause problems. For men, not being able to perform is #1. A "cuddle" might satisfy you but it may make him feel bad because he can't do his thing.

So sorry. My DH and I have been dealing with prostrate problems for years. It took him 3 yrs to finally do something about it.

Something someone has not mentioned here.
How was your marriage before your husband became bedridden?
I was in an a physical, verbal and emotional abusive situation from my husband for 40 years. Then he wondered why I wasn't interested in sex! I have a narcisstic friend who is now a caregiver to her husband. All she does is complain to him and about what she has to do to care for him, while she gets nothing out of it. No wonder he doesn't want sex!!
It's not always the person's fault who doesn't want sex. Don't know your situation but am just saying....

I debated in commenting on this post, but what the heck! In 2001 I had a radical prostatectomy. I chose not to have an implant and prescription drugs didn’t help. So until my wife’s death in 2018, we were celibate. She didn’t look for a surrogate hubby, but I’m sure she missed the intimacy. When she developed AD, I didn’t look for another relationship (platonic, of course). Hugs, kisses, holding hands and snuggling reflected our love for each other. Even in her final stages I knew my love was important to her. I lost her after 52 years of marriage and it’s those simple signs of affection that I miss dearly. I’m sorry your husband is so devoid of affection. I’m not giving you any advice, just relating a story.

Symptoms of depression for men can be loss of interest in sex, fatigue, apathy. Men tend to be withdrawn and irritable. If he’s on anti-depressants, those, too, can have similar consequences. Men tend to deny having problems because they are supposed to be strong. Most men don’t admit to sexual problems. Your husband might be embarrassed by his nonperformance so just denies any problems. It’s not a subject men were taught to express. For men, depression is a stigma that degrades their manhood. I’m not defending your husband’s lack of intimacy, I don’t know him, nor do I agree with him not showing you any affection.  So you decide, but “friends with benefits”, in my mind, is a “pseudo” divorce. Satisfying one’s libido may result in feelings of guilt and regret.

So get some counseling and then decide. It’s tough. I wish you well.

To answer you Elaine (only based on two couples I know) where he 'closed up shop' - both woman eventually took their business elsewhere. Strangely enough, one man reopened for business elsewhere very very quickly & the other had business elsewhere (but hadn't disclosed). Those men had left the relationship, just hadn't said so.

I think that situation is quite different to the OP's situation, due to the health issues. What about stroke, Parkinson's, dementia, cancer, MS - so many awful things that rob us of our health.

I do not know the answer.

Elaine, you need to chuckle about your views on telling/ not telling OP what she should do. If she wants to work on the marriage, she’ll find a marriage counselor who does house calls.

If hubby is bedridden he won’t be able to go to marriage counseling and talk about it. Go by yourself. Do what’s right for you, not what everyone else wants you to do.

I have to ask what you are giving and getting from this marriage. You are working as caregiver to someone who is bed-bound. It seems that you are not getting much affection, as well as no sex and no cuddles. To be honest, it sounds as though financial stability is the only plus.

Your husband may feel very badly about being impotent, but he ought to be open to talk about it. You are already feeling resentful about this, and it won’t improve unless you can work things out between you – he should be willing and able to make you physically happy in bed without full-on sex. His lack of concern for you is at least as important as the sex.

Your marriage really is at risk, and ‘friends with benefits’ are not likely to reduce the risk. It really might be worth looking for a marriage counselor before things get worse. That might help him to talk, and to realise that he has a lot to lose.

I think you have valid concerns. As a woman, and as a human, you have needs also. I empathize with your husband's health decline but I don't see why a woman should give up all her needs because one person is not able to fulfill the marital duties. By him not showing any love in ways you say he could then you really should reevaluate your overall situation. It won't get better I'm afraid to say. I know you love him but how much are you willing to give up? That is the real question here. Love and light.

Perhaps try counseling for yourself. Also, try going over to your husband and giving him a hug and a kiss and see what happens. But I would talk to a therapist for yourself.

You know, maybe I'm just "old fashioned", but what ever happened to taking our wedding vows seriously. You know, in sickness and health, forsaking all others, until death do us part?

Those that have suggested having someone else on the side, while still married, is just wrong. I believe the Bible calls that adultery. If you can't live without sex, buy yourself a vibrator.

My husband had a massive stroke at the age of 48, one and a half years after we were married, and we were never able to have "sex" after that.(that was 24 1/2 yrs ago) We initially sought treatment, but when nothing worked, we just decided to make the best of it. It was definitely harder on me than him, but over time I got used to it. Thankfully for me though he would still hold my hand, give me hugs when I needed them, and kiss me, even after he became bedridden in 2018.

My husband died this week, Monday, and I am grateful and honored that I was able to uphold the vows we took 26 years ago.

And maybe instead of asking your husband for what you need, you might just have to initiate things and see where it takes you.

Word of the Day: Palaver

pa·lav·er
/pəˈlavər,pəˈlävər/

INFORMAL
noun
1. 
unnecessarily elaborate or complex procedure.
"there's a lot of palaver involved"
2. 
HISTORICAL
an improvised conference between two groups, typically those without a shared language or culture.


...just in case anyone besides me was wondering.

Beatty, the rule I heard was that once you'd provided your husband with "an heir and a spare" it wasn't the done thing for anyone to enquire too closely into subsequent children's paternity.

I keep thinking of Mrs Patrick Campbell's (?) description of marriage as "the deep, deep peace of the double bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise longue." But then I'm not sorry to have left the whole undignified palaver behind, and clearly for the OP it is a very different story.

Clearly, too, the OP doesn't just want a rumpus. She wants her *husband* to get back to wanting a rumpus. So shouldn't we be helping her work through what's bothering him?

You said he could kiss you if he wanted to, why doesn’t he want to? What are you suppose to do if he never wants to kiss you or hold your hand? It’s been going on for 3 years. When is enough, enough? You say he CAN do these things but that he WONT. I already told you my answer.