No more sex ever for me??

My husband has diabetes and is extremely overweight. We haven't had marital relations in a very long time - I'd say around 10 years. He doesn't snuggle, it makes him hot. He's almost a foot taller than I am. It seems we are more like siblings than married, but I love him with all my heart. We do smooch and hold hands and hug sometimes, especially hugs lately because we just had to put a much loved dog asleep.

It was hard for me to accept celibacy in the beginning, but once I got over my resentment and accepted it, it became a lot easier.

Best of luck to you.

Hi, I fully understand you're situation as I'm a 67 year old male, very lonely and would love a cuddle. My wife has vascular dementia and is in a nursing home. I must admit I feel very guilty about being very frustrated. I wonder at some point if like minded people could join a whatsapp group together to offer each other support?
Ah well, another day ahead!!

I hate to sound like an old fuddy duddy but marriage vows are spoken for a reason. I'm sure that many a marriage has suffered and ended cause of a husband or a wife thinking they are entitled to sex outside of the marriage because of any number of reasons, physical problems, mental abuse etc. I was in a relationship once upon a time where the guy I was with used to insult me all the time and therefore I wasn't interested in sex anymore. He said to me "once the sex goes, I go" I said you think insulting me all the time is conducive to me wanting to have sex with you? Don't let the door hit your a** on the way out the door.

I think it's a slippery slope. What if you had a friend with benefits and suddenly it became more than a friendship? It's happened. They write books and do movies about it all the time. I know this is an old thread but if the OP is still reading I would suggest counseling and if this is something you feel you really can't live with end the marriage but don't go outside the marriage for gratification. Just my opinion.

WorriedCA,

I was never asked to meet anyone here for adult activities..

Right leolonnie1,

No problem, Lol

Thank you!

May I ask why your husband is bedridden? Is he ill or was he injured and became so?
It could very well be that your husband no longer sees himself as a man because of his condition. Very likely he's sad and depressed because he may think you no longer see him as a man and a husband. It's hard for a man who isn't elderly to have his wife do things like wipe his a**, empty a bedpan, give a bed bath, or change a diaper. So, he's turned off all affection towards you and that's his defense mechanism for coping with the situation you are both in. Is it possible for you to bring in some outside hired caregivers to help with some of the hands-on care? Your husband's lack of affection towards you would probably improve if someone else was taking care of some of it.
The two of you could benefit greatly from on-line couples' sex therapy. I'm not saying this to be funny because it's a real thing. Many couples in your situation who have a disabled partner are still able to enjoy a sexual relationship by learning different ways to have one.
Maybe your husband will be open minded to trying therapy.
If he is not, then you should not suffer. You could discreetly take a lover without your husband ever having to know. There's no need to hurt someone's feelings. Good luck to you both.

When my husband was diagnosed with prostrate cancer the doctor and his nurse told me what would happen to my husband sexually. I am 11 years younger and they wouldn't do surgery without my consent first. I understand how you feel and I have been dealing with this going on 20 years. Memories are wonderful. I still hug him, kiss him, snuggle him and am satisfied. He recovered from prostate cancer and have been beside him the last 10 year with alzheimer's. I'm okay, but I have been advised by our health care professionals their are products on the market to utilize to satisfy your own needs. No, you're not the only one and I trust that you will continue to be a loving caring spouse. You certainly have lots of advice. Take care.

There have been 91 answers. It’s been covered. If you want to find a partner or whatever do it! If your husband was interested he would get involved.

Jacobsonbob,

I know some people don't like this subject. We should be able to talk about anything here going through what we go through, as long as it's respectful .

This post is 4 months old. Clickbait

Dear Unitetogether,
I write from the perspective of the patient who has a little different opinion than many on this subject. I was diagnosed with Early Onset ALZ coming up on 5 yrs ago. I stopped driving 11 mos ago. I am 61, my DW is 53. I've made it clear to her that when I am institutionalized and no longer able to be a companion, husband, and lover, go on and find another man you are interested in dating and developing a relationship with. I want her to enjoy her best years with someone that is able to engage her intellectually, enjoy traveling like we have, be a good companion and enjoy life.
I have told our adult children, when mom decides she wants company with another man, let her do so without giving her any grief. Let her build a new life with someone else that is as great as our life was before, I was place in LTC.
We've done all that needs to be done securing her financial needs. We've done all we need to do with most of the legal affairs, we expect them to be tidied up in the next 6 mos or so. I sleep well knowing we've talked things over and taken action to put everything we've acquired in a Trust in her name, paid off the house, have almost no debt, and she is financially secure.
I know I've moved on down the line in terms of my status with ALZ, I'm having another Neuro-Psych Exam in a couple of weeks, to define where I am at. We've practiced our faith together since we started dating and I wouldn't change a thing. I wish you the best Unitetogether. Don't be afraid to look out for your happiness when you are ready to.
God Bless you.

Oh dear. This is not Tinder folks.

I know exactly how you're feeling. My wife has Parkinson's with dementia and her dementia causes her to see different versions of me. Her doctor diagnosed her with Capgras syndrome which, in short, means that she doesn't know her main caregiver or sees that person as other people / strangers. We used to have a very active sex life but that has disappeared the last 2 years and her doctor said she won't ever get better. We really enjoyed our sex life and we kept ourselves in great shape running and exercising. I've tried to get her to participate but she politely declines saying she would feel guilty for cheating on her husband (she thinks I'm living elsewhere and will come back for her sometime soon). Her doctor says she probably won't ever "see" me again. I miss sex and the closeness of it. We are in our mid 60's but, as I said, we used to really enjoy our bodies. The last 2 years have been extremely difficult in that area. I know this isn't an answer for you but I just wanted you to know that there is someone who shares your frustration.

It sounds like you are asking permission to enjoy yourself and your body.
What do you want to do?

Unite you wrote in a response to someone: "...he won't even try. That is my husband I know. And I don't want to be his mommy. I have great parents already. I want to be on my own I know. Deep inside I know this..." You have answered your own question. And what struck me was how simply and honestly you wrote: "I want to be on my own I know. Deep inside I know this." Go with your gut instinct.

Don't hesitate to trust yourself. Leaving a dysfunctional relationship takes a lot of courage. Also, time is precious. It's going to take time to extricate yourself from your current situation and then start building the life *you* want for yourself.

I don't get what Alzspouse is saying about caregiver "standards". What standards? Who set them? I don't think society sees caregivers that way. The standard for caregiving is set by the caregiver. They set the boundaries. They need to be aware of their caregiving limits. They decide when to "give up". There are a lot of sacrifices in caregiving, intimacy being one of them. We all want happiness and your feelings are neither good nor bad, they just are. So the caregiver is in a catch 22 sometimes. Stay the course and continue to feel the loneliness, or find a friend and possibly live with the guilt of deception. I don't have the answer. The decision comes when we are totally honest with ourselves and choose a course we can live with. Forget societies' standards. You set your standards. Good luck.

From what I see in life and in the media, society pretty much accepts anybody having relationships and sex with anybody nowadays. But not if you're a caregiver. Then you're supposed to be this completely selfless creature and never ask for anything for yourself. How dare you think about your own needs, when your spouse is sick? How could we be so selfish? So what if you're lonely or heartbroken or have a body that still remembers what it is missing. Too bad. This is now your role in life. You're not a real person any more. You're just a caregiver.
 
How many people do you know personally who have divorced over something not half as difficult as what we are going through? They took vows, too. Did everyone condemn them? No, because that would be "judging". But when we are caregivers, there is an entirely different standard. 
 
No, I haven't had an affair or any other sort of relationship outside of my marriage. Don't plan to. But I'm just a little tired of the standards that caregivers are held to, while the rest of the world goes out and does pretty much anything they want.

Okay, anyone want to give a shout out for Tony Randall? He married his second wife when she was 25 and he was 75! He had his first child at 77!

Wow!!! Some men at an older age have lots of desire!

Please remember that I am just thinking out loud and being funny. I am not comparing it to the OP’s situation.

There is humor in a lot of situations. Sometimes a person either laughs or cries or both.

I do feel that they were an interesting couple. Many assumed she just wanted money but she is nothing like Anna Nicole Smith. She and Tony had acting in theaters in common. She has used the inheritance to support the theater.

She had an open mind and accepted love from an older man. They had certain generational differences. She liked rock. He liked the opera. But they seemed to adore one another. She hasn’t remarried. Who knows how love will show up in people’s lives?

She didn’t have ‘daddy’ issues or was a gold digger. He saw an opportunity and obviously went for it. He did not have children with his first wife and wanted that. He appeared to be madly in love with her and his children.

Maybe I shouldn’t post this but I think you will agree it’s fascinating.

Stephen Hawking had a strong interest in sex! Indeed, he had a brilliant mind but his ‘needs’ and appetite for sex were most definitely there in spite of his many physical issues.

He had an extremely strong will. He lived so much longer than the doctors predicted. He had two wives and later a girlfriend.

I remember his first wife found it very labor intensive to have sex with him. He fathered children. He was an amazing man in many ways. Nothing stopped him from living his life. He had a wicked sense of humor.

His wife had an affair so she could be loved physically like she desired. Ahhhh, life can become complicated.

So, this is a highly individual matter. Some such as Hawking don’t lose desire until the very end.

Others who are capable physically are just not interested.

'reply' isn't an option on my reading of Elaine's posts--and this is an earnest, respectful question to Elaine: I truly don't know what / can't decipher what your 'hahaha' responses mean. I, for myself, would appreciate a more articulate post of your thoughts on the subject. Are you mocking, or supporting? I really do follow the responses with close interest, so hahahaha sort of frustrates me!

Thats a good Question...Has your husband had a physical?..to rule out low T.? Or any other physical or emotional problems...You say he's "bedridden"..by what medical problem?...Is he able to make decisions for himself?...or are you his POA?......What are your moral/spiritual beliefs?...I'd suggest counseling for you...did you both take a vow of " for better or worse for all time"?...Best to You...Hope you find the answer.

I read your response and am crying. I'm so sorry for your loss. Bless you and you keep holding your head up high. You are a special, special lady. :)

elainesc

I would like to send you a message. If you are ok with it, can you send me a private message with contact info? Thank you so much.

This is a thought on the subject of how things like this topic become so controversial. We are an evolving society.

Years ago people stayed in rotten marriages because it simply wasn’t acceptable to divorce but even then people made their own personal changes in the relationship. For instance my husband’s grandmother was a mean woman.

There isn’t any other way to describe her. If her husband tried to show any affection she would shun him. I saw this many times over the years.

He would try to put his arm around her and she would slap it off. If he went to kiss her she turned her head and he got a cold cheek.

So, naturally he finally gave up. They slept in separate bedrooms for decades. In other words, they lived together separately. He died a broken man which broke my heart because he was so sweet.

Everyone loved him. No one thought much of her. All she did was demoralize him in front of everyone. She criticized everyone. She had no friends. He had many friends.

My mother in law took after her dad. She was kind. She was an only child. The joke was that her mom came home from a party tipsy and that is how their daughter was conceived.

My mother in law would cry in her room as a child wishing they would get a divorce so her father could be happy. As an adult she prayed that her mom would die first so he could live happily for a few years. He died first.

He worked until his late 70’s to escape her cruelty. He took the streetcar to his office every single day. My mother in law was devastated.

Fortunately, they had plenty of money. She refused to leave her big house uptown so they hired two live in caregivers. God bless those caregivers! They were angels to put up with her crap.

She still had her housekeeper coming three days a week that were ordered to polish the silver and wash the crystal every week! She was a hateful woman.

Thank God. nowadays couples go to counseling and sometimes they are able to reconcile. If not they can divorce and end the misery. It is acceptable to divorce without the stigma it once held.

Same with the OP’s case. Some people see it as an evolutionary change in our society. Others cannot wrap their heads around it and therefore choose not to accept a person wanting a possible relationship with another person to feel the human touch again. To each his/her own.

I often think of John Lennon’s song, Imagine. Some think he was an atheist because of the lines,

Imagine there’s no heaven
It’s easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people living for today

He wasn’t an atheist. He was spiritual, just not in a traditional sense. He was a searcher, a deep thinker, a philosopher of sorts. He was being honest about his feelings and simply asking the world to Imagine along with him. He didn’t like that religion was being used to hurt and control others.

When you get to a certain point, you may ask, do I owe him the rest of my life as a constant caregiver. I know there are people who will be appalled at this attitude, but we only live once. Most of us would have had 2nd thoughts when we took our vows if we knew we were agreeing to a life of caregiving for the last half our life! My wife has stage 1 or 2 alzheimers for past 10 years and it doesn't worsen but never better. My Golden years have tarnished terribly. I recommend you lay it out to family that you are going on extended leave and he is their responsibility. When someone else takes over your duties a few weeks, he will no longer miss you, and you can reclaim what is left of your life. I wish I had done this 20 years ago when our marriage was already dead!

Unitetogether, I have the opposite problem. I had a hysterectomy 3 years ago, and there is no "sparkle" for me any more. Part of it may be stress and grief, as in that time I lost my job, became caregiver to my husband while he died of throat cancer, also became caregiver to my friend Richard who has just been placed on Hospice....I was seeing a therapist for bit, and she mentioned that the "caregiver role" brings us into the "Mommy" role, and both the carer and the recipient have a hard time getting around that image of the loving Mommy who is wholesome and pure and sweet...as the recipient of your care, your husband may be stuck in that mental role of "Mom is untouchable". He may have a hard time seeing you as the sexy, vibrant, loving woman he married, especially if he is having any cognitive issues.

Men can have disinterest in intimacy if they feel stressed or have a low testosterone level I am not sure why your husband is bedridden but I have know plenty of older patients (I am an RN) that had no problem being suggestive and playful towards me (never encouraged this behavior or cooperated either). I suggest you talk to your husband's doctor for help determining a cause for his disinterest. If it is psychological, you may consider couples therapy with a licensed psychiatrist.

i can thouroughly sympathize with your situation unitetogether, my guy is a vet with ptsd and sex is the last thing on his mind, dont know if this will help u but a friend of mine made a suggestion and so far its ok, think back to the days when u were all ok, and just play with yourself to relieve the "in the mood" .my sisters hubby had brain cancer and all the complications that go with it, mini strokes etc and resigned herself to taking care of him for 15 years, 2 years ago he passed and she had 2 years to herself b4 this corona virus took her out and on her way out she said, the universe just wants me to b with him, i understand the "numbing" feeling, dad passed in 1998, mom passed 2016 and brother with all his medical issues going on could go any time then there will b only my brother left. my brother is his other brothers cartaker and u can see the toll its taking on his health, thinning him out. i got lucky financially and can help him out, the universe works in strange ways.

Unitetogether....
I am sure you have seen answers from both sides of the fence. Some say..Suck it up kid, this is the way it is going to be if you are going to honor your vows....
Some say...you are young there is nothing wrong in finding someone to fulfill the wants, needs, desires that you (we all want and need)..
So with all this advice you are firmly sitting on the edge of the fence. Teeter one way and one camp is going to find fault, teeter the other way and the other camp will find fault.
As you can see this is a no win situation for everyone but you.
You do what you feel is right for you at the time. Do not let anyone else make you feel guilty and for that reason I suggest that you discuss this with no one (other than your doctor) No one can "make" you feel guilty that is an emotion that comes from within.

This must be difficult for the both of you. In the late 1970s, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and the doctors did a radical masectomy. I have nothing left up there. I did not want my husband to touch me. It was not him, it was me and my feelings of being not sufficient or desireable. The more and more he tried, the more and more I pushed him away. Only crazy people I knew seen a therapist so I did not go to one. My husband ended up getting a mistress and we divorced. If I could go back, I think I may have went to a therapist.