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My mom is 71 years old. She had open heart surgery March 10th and didn't wake up until the 14th, and that's when the doctors realized she had a stroke. The stroke paralyzed the right side of her body, so she cannot walk, or use the bathroom on her own. She wears diapers and requires someone to help her eat with some foods. So she needs full extensive care. I am her daughter, I'm 18 years old and I am here with her 24/7. My other sister (who is 19) works from 8-2:30 (sun-thurs). She is with me during the afternoons to help.
So far we have been taking care of our mom for 3 1/2 months, with no help what-so-ever. We have therapist and nurses that come out once a week, that stay for 15-30 minutes at a time. My mom has 2 biological daughters (50 & 51) and neither help us take care of her. They are constantly worrying about "how much money she has" and "don't buy diapers, I found some" (turns out to be a bunch of SMALL diapers when my mom is 200pds and in a large), but they get mad when we do. They also get mad when we buy food with her card, but my sister makes 200$ a week for bills, groceries and that's no where near enough to survive off of. My mom gets a ssi check for $1,300.

My question is, what should I do? I'm tired of struggling to take care myself, and my mom. She cries whenever she is awake and once a week she has a 1 hour span where she is happy and smiling..
I need a break and some help please.. I don't know what to do I have no money for myself or a life, & I just graduated online high school in June.

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I don't know about the VA benefit. We investigated it numerous times for my mom. My dad died young at 50 and mom received the death benefit payout, which covered his funeral expenses. We were told he would have to have been KIA in order for her to receive anything more.
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Please contact your Area of Ageing in your area. Then get Power of Attorney for your mother. Thea AAA will get you some assistance with caring for your mom. This will give you some me time to your self. Also they will evaluate your mother situation and provide diapers and adult care for your mother. Keep me inform if you need any additional information.
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Agree with sandwich.
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My heart bleeds for you, dearest one! Is your Mom eligible for VA benefits through anyone, in anyway - if so, they can help with $ & pay you a small stipend as caregiver. Try the Church. Also, I highly recommend somehow finding the time to attend "caregiver meetings". These can be easily found by contacting your local Center for the Aging (don't know what they might call it where you are -- but you get the gist.) In addition to meeting people who are in the same boat, the facilitator will more than likely have access to information & programs that you would have no idea even existed. Plus, it's really nice to listen to others, share and realize your not alone in this mess. Please private message me if you ever want to talk.
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Congratulations for helping your mom! Do follow the advice given to you...I´m not American, but I imagine that a social worker is of the essence in your situation. Take good care of yourselves too
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I'm 44 with a college degree and I couldn't handle somebody like that in my house. I am so sorry there isn't someone there to guide you and handle a lot of this for you.

There's a very complicated process with lots of paperwork to come, which is why I said to just call a social worker/crisis worker in now. They are a specialist who can help you take all the next steps and deal with the forms and applications. It's very overwhelming. There's a lot of jargon involved.

There will be many other decisions to make later on, but get the county help involved first. One day at a time. One step at a time.

If anything is confusing, please say so. We've all been dealing with this for years.

As far as money goes - there are government funds to cover your mom's care. Your social worker/case worker has to help you (your mom) apply for it.
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Hello ....just read all the suggestions in the forum above...I do not know what state you are in but here in Florida we call 211 for help...you can also call the non-emergency number for your local Police and they can also guide you to the right people...you can also start a Go Fund Me page to raise money to help you out financially; and where are all the other family members? Seems strange that your family left you with all this responsibility as a teenager who is just starting to explore life....your situation is too stressful and you need help now....keep posting in this forum and the other field workers I am sure will give you good suggestions. Glad you wrote in for help. Make those calls as soon as possible...one more thing; you can call the adult diaper companies and they will send you samples; tell them you need XL...again, answer this forum and let us know if your mom or dad are Veterans; that makes a big difference when you need supplies...if you put in your email address then others can contact you directly.
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These are all excellent suggestions. There should be a Community Social Worker or one from the Hospital or Home Health Care Agency that will help you to coordinate services.
If you contact the Adult Protective Services office they will help with the legal paperwork including POA or Guardianship at no cost to you.
There are long term Medicaid Waiver programs in many parts of the country that would have Case Management and Caregivers come in to care for your Mom.
At 18 or 19 years old you both need to have time for school and or jobs. If you do not get the help you need as soon as possible please come back on the forum and ask one of us to help you. Some of us are employed in the Medicaid or Long Term Care Field and can help you figure out where to get help in your area.
Hang in there, Kuddos to you for asking for help!
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I am so sorry you have this responsibility at such a young age! Perhaps you could put her in a group home where professional help will care for her. $1300 doesn't buy much in nursing homes, but try to file for Medicaid and get the professional help she needs. I wish your family the best for helping her!
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I feel your pain. Sounds like you will need more funds to supplement getting your mom more professional and longer care for a period of time. Not sure if this helps, but the Department of Aging, Social Security and the various Home Care companies maybe able to lead you in the right direction. You are doing what you and your sister can and God knows it. Pray for patience, understanding and the help that you need. God hears and sees you and mom's needs.
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mom gets a ssi check for $1,300....

Does she qualify for a frail elder waiver ?
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If your father was a veteran, your mother may be entitled to VA benefits. Some states have VA commissions that will help you with the application process. You will also want to speak to an elder attorney about a Power of Attorney or Guardian ship so that yon can make legal decisions for your mom. That's part of estate planning. I had to pay $2000.00 but it can be deducted from taxes.

Medicaid can help with expenses, but I found it very difficult. My parents didn't need it, as the VA covered the majority of their medical expenses.

You will need someone to talk to on a periodic basis. Care Giving can take its on your health. I can't stress that enough. Some churches have free counselors and some communities have mental health clinics that charge on a sliding scale. Many nursing homes have support groups for caregivers.

A good social worker can provide you with some information. Also see if your community has a counsel on aging. The commission on aging might be the same thing. Keep corresponding here. I will post more if I think of something else. I was so busy with my parents, that I preferred groups like this over other support groups. This was just easier to schedule.
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It sounds like you are a lovely and beautiful young woman. Your mom should be so very proud of what a loving caring person you are. It's sad to me that home health nurse and the therapist have not offered you a social services referral for support. To me this means you must be doing an adequate job at caring for your mom. What you are mentioning is an extremely complicated & difficult situation for a person who is much older with life experience. As an 18 year old this is even more complicated. As others have said a social worker from your local department of aging should be able to help you. I am counselor and an advocate for seniors and the disabled. I am happy to offer some free guidance to you. I will pray for you and your mother. You are a remarkable young women. God Bless you.
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You definitely need a social worker to get involved and coordinate some help. This is not optional. This situation must change immediately. You guys are simply not qualified to handle this, but bless your hearts for hanging in there.

Look online for your county's Department of Human Services. Look for something that sounds like "report a vulnerable adult or senior". You call them, and tell them you are in an immediate crisis with a vulnerable adult who needs 24/7 care right now.

If I had uninvolved family who could not come do care work but had opinions, I wouldn't tell them any more than they absolutely have to know after the fact. You don't need more obstacles.

Help is harder to get in some communities, and I am constantly blown away when I hear about professionals who don't take steps to help a situation that obviously needs it.
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Call the commission on aging for some referrals. Your mom probably needs to be in a nursing home with skilled nursing care. Also tell the visiting nurse you need help, cannot do this any more. She may be able to get a social worker to come see you. You and your sister are too young to bear this responsibilty. You'll get more answeres on this forum. Keep talking to folks here. Many are much more experienced than me.
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