My dad is 86. Lives with my brother who does the minimum to help him. My dad at times doesn't recognize Christopher. Thinks others are in the house, like me or my sister. He often sits weeping for my sister. Who doesn't visit much or care. I started visiting more often but he became defensive. He passed his driving test again and uncharacteristically drove thru a red light narrowly missing an off duty cop. The cop said "u could have killed us' but let him go. My brother was sworn to secrecy. But told me. I told his doctor on the phone in confidence. Dad has fallen asleep while cooking didn't hear the smoke detector and wasn't bothered by the smoke. My brother was alerted and came downstairs. This happened twice. Dad falls often. But gets back up. Doesn't want any help. Or any attention paid to these falls. Became confused about wills and living wills. His lawyer alerted me to this. And we rectified things before any damage done. Dad wants to be left alone. And asks me not to visit. I am of a mind to respect this. What do others think?

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Well, he's not safe at home. Falling often, almost setting the house ablaze several times...a recipe for disaster.

I am the medical power of attorney, financial power of attorney and executor for an old cantankerous family friend. He's 86 years old; moderate good health; some dementia; but nothing effecting his own safety; although he, too, has fallen a couple of times. He lives alone.

He relies on me to help with his financial life and routine decision-making, get repairs done around the house (walk him through who to call, etc.), balance his bank statements. In trying to look out after his best interests, he rarely listens to anything I tell him -- especially if it involves spending $50. (He's probably worth $750K.) He's a crabby, miserable old man.

If he asked me to stay away from him, it would be my pleasure.

But he's not a loved one. (It's a long story.)

If you don't care if you rarely, if ever, see him -- if he doesn't care -- if you are comfortable with not intervening in his life to get him into assisted living -- if getting "the phone call" that he's fallen down the stairs and, either died, or broken his hip and making an emergency out of providing on-going care for him -- then stay away.

It's just a matter of how much you care, I guess. If you don't care if you see him, get on-going reports from your brother.

Understand I'm not judging you. Life is too short to be forced into interacting with with someone who makes us miserable.

Perhaps if you stay away a while, he's change his mind. No decision has to be forever. Make the decision for two weeks and see what happens, ;)
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Do NOT let him drive. Take the keys away NOW. Look for Assisted Living for him ASAP, he is NOT safe with your brother. If he is a wartime vet, call the VA.
Steal the car if you have to .
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Thanks guys. Yes one day at a time is how I will take it. He is still pretty independent. Insists on doing all the housework and laundry even when I visit. And although he falls a lot if there is an issue like bleeding he let's me know so I can get the plasters. He wants to be treated like he is fine. And do not talk about it. He goes to the doctor and dentist and physiotherapist. Swims and socialists. He is doing his level best. I try to do what he wants. While at the same time ensuring the safety of him and all who encounter him.
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